She attempted to pull herself in a position to where she could face him. He helped her without a word. Looking up in his eyes, Taryn was awed by how much emotion showed on his entire face. She hadn't seen him like this before. She wanted to kiss him, but would he want to stop there? Would she ever feel like a normal woman?
“What's going on in your mind right now?” He brushed his fingers along her jaw. “You're looking at me like you're deep in thought.”
Her breath hitched. “I am. Lost in thought.” She added the second part.
His eyelids lowered briefly. “What kind of thoughts?” Chris' voice came out in a low, husky tone.
“You. Us. This.” She gestured.
“What about me, us, and this?”
“I want to be enough.” Her voice wavered as emotions channeled through her.
“Enough?” Chris drew his brows together. “You're afraid of there being an us.”
She forced out a laugh. “I know. It's crazy. Ridiculous. You wouldn't understand-”
He pressed his lips to hers. “Listen to me. Just because I may not get it in a physical sense doesn't mean I won't understand. On my worst days, I wake up wondering if I will always feel this way. So sluggish, unhappy, and dismal. I don't feel I'm good relationship material.”
“And that's why you did the casual hook up thing?” she questioned. Fair enough. Taryn didn't think of things from his perspective, about how the depression toyed with his thoughts and emotions.
“Yep. That and I never found a woman I was interested enough in to pursue a relationship with. Then again, I probably didn't look hard enough.”
“And then I came around.”
“That you did, and I'm glad you did.” He kissed her lightly. “You're so much more than enough, Taryn.”
She melted against him, so ready to give in. Rubbing one hand along his neck, she moved to pull him closer. Kiss him! Just kiss him. Give in!
Her inner voice was not being kind to her tonight. Pulling her heart in a thousand different directions, she closed her eyes, inched closer, and let it all go. Chris' lips met hers in a deep, engaging, hot kiss.
Whoa.
Mind in a tailspin, Taryn deepened the kiss, ignoring the warning signals her head kept giving her. She'd put her trust in Chris and give in to what she'd been feeling lately.
His lips moved everywhere. Her lips, her face, the slope of her neck.... Taryn shivered, feeling overstimulated and elated, but she was afraid. She wanted him, and there was no doubt he wanted her, but what happened if things didn't work? What if she truly wasn't enough?
Chris trailed a line of kisses down her neck, then gently helped her sit up to tug her shirt off, exposing her even more. Taryn moved to cover herself with the blanket, completely uneasy. She had so many scars on her lower torso. Those scars were a painful reminder of what was and what would never be.
“Don't hide. I want to see all of you.” Chris' eyes bore into hers.
“But I-” Words died in her throat. One hand still clutching the blanket close, she almost couldn't breathe.
“You what? You have scars? I don't doubt it. Me seeing your scars won't change my opinion about you.”
Tears choked her voice. “I'm sorry.”
Chris reached for one of her hands and held it against his chest. Then he gently pulled the blanket away from her, moving it far out of her grasp. “Nothing to be sorry about. You say the word and we'll stop. There is no reason to apologize for your feelings, Taryn.”
At a loss for what to say, she only nodded. Her heart pounded wildly. If this didn't come up now, it would eventually. Well, it already started to, but this time she felt a lot more for Chris than the first time they'd made out in his living room.
His touch was soothing as he ran his hands along her sides. He moved lower and lower until he reached her hips. “Is this about where the feeling stops?”
Inhaling sharply, she nodded. Aside from doctors, physical therapists, or Martin- but she tried to forget about him- no man had ever touched her there.
“Nothing at all?”
“Nothing at all,” Taryn whispered.
Chris stayed silent, then flicked his gaze to her face. Compassion shone in his eyes. He leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “I've seen your scars now. I still think you're beautiful.”
Tears filled her eyes. All this crying and tearing up she'd been doing lately drove her insane, but it couldn't be helped, either.
Chris unhooked her bra, then pulled the straps down until he had full access to her breasts. The first flick of his tongue over her nipple had Taryn gasping. It had been a long time. Way too long. What would this feel like now? Taryn had spent many hours on the Internet, looking at forums about paraplegic women and sex. Each and every experience was different. She had no idea what to expect, what she'd feel, what she wouldn't feel, how much her partner would have to do or what he'd feel, and so much more.
To her dismay, she broke down and cried. Gut-wrenching sobs. This was too much. Her mind wouldn't shut the hell up.
“Taryn?” Chris' voice filled with worry. He immediately stopped and searched her face.
“I-I don't know what's wrong with me!” she stammered, her stomach clenching as she continued to cry. “I'm so sorry.”
“Shh. Hey, it's okay. Taryn, it's okay.” He draped the blanket back over her. The soft feel of the fabric rolled over her skin, sending tingles along the way. Chris wrapped his arms around her, cradling her close to him. “Please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry.” His fingers were in her hair, stroking.
“N-no. You didn't make me cry. I'm all out of whack tonight,” she sobbed. Clutching him tight, Taryn cried against his chest.
He held her, soothed her in silent comfort until Taryn managed to calm down.
“Better?” he asked gently, brushing a kiss against her temple.
“Kind of.” A painful hiccup escaped her, and Taryn took in a series of deep, calming breaths.
“Was this too much tonight? I feel like maybe I pushed too much.”
“You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. It's all me.” Taryn glanced up at him finally. “I am a mess of emotions. I wanted all of this with you. And then- then I panicked.” She sniffled. She was such a fool! “I exposed so much of myself to you tonight, and I feel more vulnerable than I have been. I don't know if I'm meant for this relationship thing.”
“I wish you'd stop saying that, because I think you are. And if it's going to take time to get you to see it, then I'm gonna be waiting a long time.”
She shook her head. “You're crazy.”
Chris shot her a feigned wounded grin. “While that might be a little true, I'm not crazy by the reasons you're claiming I am. Should I go?”
Taryn heaved a sigh. “I don't want you to, but it might be good.”
“What if I stayed? What if we just hold each other all night?”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course I'm serious. Are you insinuating I only want one thing?” His voice was tinged with a slight hint of annoyance.
“No.” Then she retracted her statement. “Maybe. I think it's more my insecurity than anything you are or aren't doing, though. Can you help me to my chair?”
“Sure.” Chris pushed down the recliner and moved her chair closer. “I'll clean up out here.”
He helped transfer her over, and she gestured for her shirt and bra. She'd have to drop it in the hamper and get changed for bed. If Matt came by for some reason, she didn't want her clothes hanging out in the open. Taryn spun around before she wheeled down the hallway, watching him. “Chris?”
He stopped folding the blanket and straightened before turning around. “Yeah?”
“Thank you for...for not running the other way when I got all girly on you.”
“That was you getting girly on me? Duly noted.” He smiled, then turned back around to finish what he was doing.
*****
Taryn half expected her bedroom to be empty when she rolled ou
t of the bathroom, but there Chris was, lying on his side on her bed. He'd changed into a pair of blue shorts. No shirt.
And he looked damn good there.
How was she to survive tonight?
But the thought of him holding her, pressed up against her body all night thrilled her. He eased her loneliness away, even if she had so many insecurities about other aspects of their relationship.
“You look surprised to see me,” Chris commented.
She'd either lost her ability to keep a good poker face, or this man was just that good at understanding her expressions. “You caught me.” Taryn neared the bed, checking to see if she had enough space to transfer and get comfortable without having to ask for his help or have him move.
Chris scooted back, completely flush up against the wall.
“Thanks, but I think you were okay where you were.”
“I locked all the doors and set Kyra's alarm,” he informed her. “And all lights are off out there. Do you leave the bathroom light on normally?” He pointed at the door.
“Yes, but I keep the bathroom door closed mostly. It's just easier so I can make a late night trip if I need to. Will the light bother you?”
He shook his head. “Nope. I was just checking to make sure you didn't forget and needed it off or something.”
Taryn started her nightly routine- transfer to bed, grab her legs, position herself, just to start. She was a little more nervous with Chris there watching, but he'd seen and learned worse things tonight, so this one shouldn't get to her as much. She finally got herself rolled over to face him. Taryn loved that he let her do what she needed to without taking over. Some would have.
“Hi,” he said softly, leaning close to kiss her. Just a quick peck on the cheek. “Do you sleep with that light on, too?”
Taryn drew in a deep breath. “No. I wanted to … I don't know. I guess to look at you one last time for the night.”
Dimples showed when he smiled. “I'm not going anywhere, Taryn.”
She clapped her hands, and the light went out.
“Ahh, one of those, huh? Makes me think of the 'Clap on, clap off' commercials.”
“Oh don't remind me of those.” Taryn groaned. She reached beneath the blanket and situated her body pillow that she kept between her legs, then rested her head on the pillow.
“Night, drummer girl.” Chris pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Sweet dreams.” When he wrapped an arm around her and held on tight, Taryn realized she could get used to this.
One step at a time. Maybe one day, she'd be able to feel normal again without bursting into tears because a man put his hands on her intimately.
“Good night,” she whispered, her thoughts on him.
*****
Chris awoke from a deep, content sleep to the sound of a phone ringing. He decided to ignore it and snuggled up closer to Taryn. He breathed in her scent and closed his eyes again. He didn't want to be anywhere else right now. Taryn was also the first woman he'd stayed in bed with all night without having sex, too.
It suited him fine, because he felt so much more for her.
When the ringing stopped and started again, he figured he'd better answer it. “Damn it,” Chris muttered, careful as he moved over Taryn. She stirred and mumbled as his feet hit the floor. Grabbing his phone, he answered quickly, not even noticing who it was. “H'lo?”
“Chris. It's … Bridgette.”
“Good morning. What can I do for you?” he asked cordially. Chris turned around and stared at Taryn's sleeping form. Was she really still asleep, or did she not want him to be alerted that she was awake yet?
“Did I wake you?”
“You did.” He waited for her to go on.
“Sorry.” She cleared her throat. “We got the results back. Umm. You're a match.”
“Just me?”
“Yes.”
He had no idea what to think or feel. “How soon do you need me to do this?”
“As soon as possible.”
“You know Melody's wedding is in a few weeks.”
“I'm aware.” Her voice stayed neutral.
“What do I do then?”
“Lissy's doctor can talk you through the rest. They'll probably call you on Monday, as the surgeon isn't available this weekend, but I wanted to be the one to tell you that you're a match. I will cover all your airfare and you can stay with me while you're recovering each time.”
“Okay. Then I guess I'll wait for their call.”
“Chris. Thank you.”
“Don't thank me. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for my sister. I won't let out on her how I feel about you.” His tone came out clipped by the end.
Bridgette cried on the other end. “I deserved that.”
He walked out of the room, ready to burst. “I understand depression. I've been living it, too. But there are feelings toward you I'm not sure how to handle. I'm angry at you for leaving, but in a way, I get it. I'm so frickin' torn it's not even funny, and I'm still processing everything.”
“I know. I really do get it, Chris. I came back into your life asking for way too much when you don't owe me or my family a damn thing.”
“Your family. See? Right there. Right there is what bugs me. What about me? What about Melody? We're your family, too. We were your family first! A family that you avoided, then eventually abandoned because you couldn't resolve your feelings about what you'd almost done in a state of depression. And then you got a new one, just like that!” he roared, clenching a fist at his side. “You know what, now isn't the time for this. I'll talk to you later. And no matter what, I won't back out. Don't you worry about that.” Not giving her a chance to respond, Chris hung up. Letting out a deep breath, he clutched his phone, half expecting it to ring again. How was he going to get past all of these feelings?
“Chris? Everything okay?”
He spun around. Taryn rolled out of her room, concern and confusion spread across her face. Damn it, he was hoping to curl right back up against her a little longer. His shoulders sagged. “Turns out I'm a match for my sister. I'm going to do it, but the feelings that come out of me toward Bridgette, well...”
“I heard. Or I should say, I heard how angry you sounded.”
“The way she says things sometimes. I don't know. Anyway, I think I'll have to call a morning redo.” His lips quirked up, eager to change the subject.
“A morning redo?”
Chris moved to kiss her gently. “I was looking forward to you waking up in my arms. That phone call kind of ruined it.”
Taryn reached for his hand. “I'm not sure I could go back to sleep, but I think we could get a partial do-over.”
“Partial is better than none at all.” He'd take it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Mmm. So I want to spend more time with you, but Mel's freaking out over wedding stuff. Jameson wanted to know if I could come help keep her calm. Do you want to come hang out, too? Maybe you can talk her down some.” Chris set his phone back down on Taryn's nightstand after they'd spent a few more hours in her bed just talking and cuddling. “Blaine and Randy are joining in later. They have some morning commitments to deal with first.”
“Sure. I'd like that.”
“Breakfast on the way?” He brushed his fingers along her temple. “My treat.”
“Sounds good.” She worked on sitting up to begin her transfer. Chris' hand covered hers.
“Taryn,” he said quietly. “I want you to know something.”
She froze, completely taken aback by his touch. “What's that?”
“I really care about you. A lot. I know it scares you, but I want you to know I'm not going away. I'm so drawn to you, and it gets stronger the more I'm around you.” He sat up, looking her square in the eye. “I don't think I've ever felt this way. To be honest, it scares me, too.”
“Yeah, but I bet you've never had a girl cry on you because of sex.” If only her mouth would shut up and work with her right now. She had to bring that one up again
why?
He chuckled, then tried to get serious quick. “Maybe not. But if that's your definition of girly. I can handle it. I have a little sister. She was, and still is, the emotional one. I know, not the same as what we were dealing with last night, but you don't have to worry about getting a little weepy on me. We'll work together. You and me.” He held out a hand and shot her a grin. “We'll make some adventures even more adventurous. You in?”
Heart racing, Taryn shook his hand. “Yeah. I'm in.”
Time to start taking chances in life again. Be the Taryn she used to be instead of the vulnerable emotional wreck she'd been lately.
An hour and a half later, Chris and Taryn met up with Melody and Jameson. “I should tell you now that Bridgette called this morning. I'm a match,” Chris said as soon as they were seated around the table in the dining room. Melody and Jameson sat across from them. Chris reached for Taryn's hand under the table and held it.
“I was wondering when we'd hear results,” Melody said softly, her eyes filling with an unreadable emotion.
“I'm going to do it, but I already got into it with her this morning. I promise this won't affect your wedding and any plans we have coming up.”
“I'm not worried about that. As long as you and Lissy will be okay. How soon do you have to go?”
“I don't know. Bridgette said the doctor will call on Monday. I guess she wanted to let me know ahead of time. Probably because she's afraid I'd say no.” Chris shook his head.
“Did you decide whether to invite her to the wedding or not?” Jameson asked Melody.
“I should invite her, though I honestly doubt she'll come. But it would show me trying to move on and let go of the past.” Melody sighed. “Do you want me to take time off and go up there with you?”
“Only if you want to, but my hope is that you enjoy some time before your wedding. I'll stay up there for as little time as possible.” His fingers clamped Taryn's, which told her the whole thing scared him. “She says she'll cover travel and everything. Invite her to the wedding. See what happens. And if she doesn't show, then we already know we don't need her.”
Offbeat (Love and Music In Texas Book 5) Page 22