She whispered against his lips. “Shh. Don't say anything. You might make me lose all confidence otherwise.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Taryn gave herself a mental pep talk. Good thing Chris didn't have the ability to read minds, because he'd totally laugh at the crazy back and forth antics going on in her head.
I can do this.
I can't do this.
I'm still normal.
I'll never be normal.
I want him.
I want him, but I don't want the awkward experience of sex for the first time in six years, unsure what I'll feel, what he'll feel...
I should go back to being a recluse.
But I want him!
I'm incredibly stupid arguing with myself over this!
The push and pull of her heart tonight collided, and Taryn decided to go against her fears. Why not? She'd done it before, and for the most part, it got her to better places. So what was wrong with taking a chance and hopefully getting past an awkward situation with Chris? If they ended up fooling around and it sucked, then she'd know. If it didn't suck, she could finally put the damn doubt behind her and give in.
Chris was worth making a fool of herself for, even though she wasn't sure how she'd live it down if that part actually happened- the making a fool of herself, that is. They still had a tour this summer.
Okay, maybe this wasn't a good idea after all.
But they were here, now, in the moment. Sensations overloaded her.
Taryn didn't know if she could feel things the way she used to in terms of orgasms, but she could feel things with her emotions. Those hadn't faded. Really, they'd actually been enhanced over the last few years.
Everything was worth trying for.
No breakdowns this time.
She kissed Chris, full of life, passion, and a need to feel an even deeper bond with him. Screw the lack of confidence. Screw the voices in her head.
She wanted to be with Chris in every single damn way possible. Taryn's pulse raced.
Stop thinking! Feel. Just feel.
Maybe overthinking wasn't a good idea.
Chris brushed her hair back as he kissed her back with just as much feeling. He leaned over her, gently guiding her to lie flat on her back. There was only warmth and affection in his eyes. “I love this feeling, Taryn.”
She nodded, afraid that if she spoke, tears would come again. Right now, Taryn could do without the damn tears.
“What are you feeling?”
So apparently he was going to get her to talk. Damn it!
“Everything. Absolutely everything,” she whispered, reaching up to touch his face. “Well, almost everything.”
He reeled back. “Almost everything?”
“I want … I want to replace my feeling of fear with the feeling of knowing what comes next,” she said seriously.
“What comes next?”
“I've been afraid of pursuing a relationship because of my lack of confidence in terms of what I may or may not be able to do with sex. We've come close to trying a few times, until I panicked. I don't want to panic.” She blew out a breath. There. She'd said it, though Chris probably knew anyway. How could he not with all her flipping out moments?
“Taryn, are you sure?” His voice lowered, concern flashing in his eyes.
“I'm not sure about a lot right now, but I know I want to try. I just hope you'll bear with me and that you won't laugh or get frustrated.” Pain and terror were etched in her tone.
“I won't laugh, and I won't get frustrated,” Chris promised. “I also don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for.”
“But the thing is, I am ready, or more appropriately, I want to be ready. I pushed myself before to get past doubts, so I need to do it again. It's always me holding back, but I feel comfortable with you. I'm learning I can swim, I learned a new form of dancing … I want to feel like a woman again.”
“You definitely feel like a woman,” Chris murmured, sliding a hand along her upper torso, his eyes sparkling with adoration.
“You know what I mean.” Her voice came out hoarse.
“I know. That's me, trying to lighten the mood. You know, the sweet but sarcastic side?” He shrugged, playing coy.
Taryn laughed, but it came out in a squeak. “I should have known you'd do that.”
“Yes you should have.” Chris palmed the side of her face. “You're trembling. We don't have to do this. I hope you aren't feeling pressured because-”
She didn't want to hear this. Taryn kissed him, sucking on his lower lip. “Don't give me a reason to back out. I know we don't have to do this. I want to. Unless you don't-” Did he feel the need to back off now?
“I do, but most of all, I want you comfortable.” His eyes searched her face, flecks of green with a hint of blue cutting deep into her soul. He gently took off the shirt he'd just given her a while ago to sleep in, since staying over had been a last minute decision. Tossing it to the side, Chris bent to kiss her neck. His tongue flicked against the backside of her neck.
She swallowed hard, then a moan escaped her lips.
“I know you said you haven't had sex since the accident, but have you had any kind of sexual stimulation?”
She closed her eyes briefly, avoiding his gaze. “Kinda.” The word came out meek. Embarrassment coursed through her. No, Taryn did not want to talk about this right now. It would kill the mood.
“Look at me,” he directed.
Bracing for what she'd see, Taryn complied.
“I ask because I want to know what will and won't work for you. I've looked up different-”
She groaned, completely cutting him off. “You didn't!”
“Yes, I did. I've been curious ever since the night at Kyra's. Don't groan, and don't hide. If your first time since then is with me, then I'm damn well going to make sure you get the most out of it. Tell me what turned you on before. Is there a smell or song, or a type of music?”
Taryn covered her face. “This is going to be too much work just for-”
Chris pulled her hands away from her face. “Stop it. We're not going down that path tonight. Just feel with your heart. The demons are going down. They don't belong in bed with us. There's only room for two people- you and me.”
Speechless, Taryn let Chris' words soak into her mind, attempting to erase the craze of everything else. She could feel with her heart. Everything else would fall into place.
“Did you ever have an erotic fantasy? It doesn't even have to be erotic. I'm going to make sure you enjoy this. We'll work around things. I promise you, I won't laugh, I won't get upset, and I won't think anything less of you.” Chris trailed a line of kisses from her jaw to her neck and down to her breasts. Reaching around to her back, he unclasped her bra, gently guiding her arms out of the straps. “Your skin is silky soft. I love touching you.” He flicked his tongue against the flesh between her breasts, and Taryn's body reacted. She let out a hiss as Chris swirled his tongue around, slowly moving up the side of one breast. He gave her nipple a slight pinch on the other breast.
“I feel-” she uttered.
“You feel what?”
“I- I don't know how to describe it.”
“Is it a good feeling?”
“Yes.” Taryn closed her eyes, succumbing to this strange new sensation.
“Good, then it means you're getting stimulation. Should I say things about ravishing you? Threaten to tie you up? Feathers? You into whips and chains?”
Taryn made a face. “The only whips I like is whipping your butt at games.”
“How about whipped cream?” He flicked his tongue around her puckered nipple. “All over your body while I rock you hard.”
A shiver rippled through her.
“Does it excite you, Taryn? The thought of me between your legs, making you mine? I'm rock hard thinking about all the things I could do to you. Do you want it?”
“I-” Damn, he was good. Using other ways to get her aroused without the typical w
ays.
“Answer me, baby. Do you want it?” He pinched her nipple again, rubbing, back and forth. Chris raised his head to lick the tip of her earlobe, then whispered in her ear, “I'm hot for you.” He blew against her hair. The feeling excited her, but sent another wave of goosebumps along her arms.
“I want it. I want you,” Taryn moaned, closing her eyes.
“Keep them closed,” Chris ordered, his tone full of deep arousal. “I'm going to move your hands above your head. Don't move.”
“Chris-”
Hot breaths blew against her ear. “Do you trust me, Taryn?”
A lump formed in her throat again as her heart raced. “I trust you.”
“Good. You're safe with me. I'm trying different things to see what the outcome is. You say the word and we'll stop if you get uncomfortable, okay?”
She pursed her lips and nodded in agreement. The muscles in her shoulders and arms relaxed, and Taryn allowed Chris to raise her hands over her head. He pinned them against the bed with a strong, yet loving and gentle grip.
“Don't you open those eyes,” he growled. A weight settled over her. Chris' hard cock rested against her left breast. He trailed his other hand along her side, rubbing, teasing, and arousing her. His mouth came crashing over hers for a slow and steady kiss, until he deepened it. Taryn melted against him. Chris pulled away to mutter against her lips, “Tell me how you like it, baby. Tell me what you feel.” He thrust against her lightly. “I want you, Taryn. I want you as mine.”
“Yes. I- I want that, too.” Her voice cracked. She wanted to open her eyes. Chris still had her hands pinned above her head. Her body and soul anticipated his next move.
“I'm going to let go of your hands, but keep them there,” Chris said as he released her. His weight lifted off her. “Don't open your eyes, either. Trust me, Taryn.”
“Okay.” Damn, damn, damn! What the hell was he doing to her? The sensations were interesting … was this what excitement without lower body feeling felt like?
The sound of something being opened alerted Taryn that Chris opened a condom packet. When would he let her see him?
Soft classical music filled the speakers in the room.
He'd taken over, trying to fulfill her needs, but Taryn hadn't done enough for him. “Wait.”
“What's wrong?” Concern laced his voice.
“I feel like I'm not doing enough,” she answered. “For you, I mean.”
“You are, Taryn. You're letting me work with you and be with you in intimate ways.”
“But-”
His lips on hers cut off her words. “This is about us. I assure you, you're enough. This is exactly the way I want it to be.”
“I'm afraid I'm just here, rigid and cold.”
“Shh, baby. You're anything but. Now, shh. Just relax your mind.”
Tears choking her ability to fully breathe, Taryn simply nodded.
Chris straddled her again. Warm hands landed on her elbows, caressing, touching, and teasing. He moved up, massaging her all the way up to her shoulders. “I want to be inside you.” He kissed her lips again, starting at the corners until he took her mouth again. His tongue slipped inside, exploring. When he pulled away, Taryn responded.
“Inside me,” she pleaded.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes! Please, yes!”
“Then that's exactly what you'll get,” he promised. “Open your eyes, beautiful. I want to see your eyes on me when we come.”
Taryn did, eager to see him. “I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling or what's going on with me, but keep doing it,” she pleaded, her pulse racing.
“Damn right I will.” Chris spread her legs and settled against her thighs.
She couldn't feel him move her, but seeing how gentle he was being and the way he watched her every move, Taryn felt completely safe.
“Ready?”
“I-I'm ready,” she answered, only partially meaning it.
“Taryn-”
“Don't stop. Please. I'm thinking about the way you make me feel. The way you cater to my every need. The way you make me hot with a simple touch. Damn it, Chris, don't-”
Chris silenced her with a kiss as he entered her. He immediately moaned. “Taryn, oh, Taryn.” His eyelids lowered, and sheer pleasure crossed his face. He continued to work her body to full arousal by bending to kiss her, suckling her breasts, and teasing her with his hands. He was learning her hot spots, and to Taryn's surprise, some of them were still working. Some places, like just below the palm of her hands, were new and different.
He'd put a lot of thought into this.
She still didn't know if or how she'd achieve an orgasm, but no doubt this excited her. And maybe, after a few more times, something new would happen.
Taryn wrapped her arms around him, pulling Chris down lower as he ground into her, skin slapping against hers as he did so. His mouth twisted and contorted in all different ways.
“You feel amazing.” Chris's words came out with a moan as he pounded against her. “I'm not gonna-”
“Oh God! I-I f-feel like-! I think I'm gonna-” Taryn cried. Like full blown tears. There was some sort of sensation, something she hadn't felt before when experimenting, stemming from ideas on a discussion forum.
This was real.
Chris grunted and cried out. Taryn couldn't make a sound. She clutched him against her as his body spasmed.
“Did you-?”
“I don't know,” Taryn whispered, still unsure how to describe what happened. “Did you?”
“Yeah. I'm sorry.” He traced lines along her neck with his finger. “I was trying to make it last longer, in case it took more time for you.”
“Yeah, well,” Taryn sniffled, “I still felt like I could have done more. It's like I was the awkward virgin, unsure and shy.”
Chris pulled out and moved off the bed. He tossed the condom in the trash can in the bathroom, then made his way back to Taryn again. “You did exactly what I wanted you to, Taryn. I hope you didn't mind the way I took control or talked to you. I wanted to find ways, aside from touching you in places you can't feel, to excite you. I thought maybe I took it too far.”
“You didn't. I'm just a work in progress.”
Chris kissed her lips before helping Taryn. “You're stunning. Nothing short of amazing.”
*****
“Call me when you land in Kansas,” Taryn pleaded as Chris dropped her off the next morning. Early morning. He'd walked her all the way to her room, both of them making sure they were quiet. He didn't want to leave her. For that matter, he never wanted to get up so early to take Taryn home, because he wanted more time to keep her in his bed, close to him.
Last night had been interesting. He didn't expect things to go the way they did, but he'd been prepared just in case. If she ever wanted to try again- and hopefully she would instead of running from her fears like she seemed to want to do sometimes, he'd find different ways to enhance their intimacy together. Chris had given her much more than he took, and that was okay. For once, he wanted to give something meaningful. Hopefully, he'd achieved that. The rest, they could work on if there came another time.
Taryn McAllister was definitely enough, in more ways than one.
“I will. Hey, Taryn? Last night … I was feeling awkward, too. I've never done things the way I did with you. I thought I was too much or not enough. But you know what? If you ever decide to take a chance on me, then we'll work together so our needs are both met, physical and emotional.” He bent to kiss her gently, brushing her hair away from her face. “But I wouldn't change the experience for anything.” Chris meant every word. “You're one helluva woman, and knowing you has changed everything for me in ways I never thought possible.”
*****
“Are you serious?” Kyra squealed way too loud during Taryn's lunch that afternoon.
After Chris dropped her off early, Kyra had come down to make sure it was Taryn who'd come into the house. She'd been tired an
d wanted a few more hours of sleep, so she promised Kyra they'd talk later.
Apparently, lunch time at work was later. But if Taryn didn't tell her now how last night went, Kyra would bug the hell out of her until she did. Besides, for the moment, they were the only two in the break room. That might change now that Kyra practically screeched at the top of her lungs.
“Will you shut it? I don't need everyone to know. Damn, you're loud,” Taryn grumbled, glancing around the room to make sure no one else had come in.
“I'm sorry!” Kyra tried to whisper. “But the whole night just makes me giddy.”
“Okay, we're grown ups. Why the hell would you get giddy from me getting some?” Taryn smacked her friend's arm.
Kyra giggled. “I'm not giddy because you had sex, you big dope. I'm giddy because of the whole relationship. Come on, Taryn. Forget the sex, even. Chris took you dancing. He put so much thought into it. I love him for this!”
“Should I tell Matt?” she teased. “He'd be interested to know you love Chris for this.”
That warranted an eye roll. “Shut up, you idiot.” They both burst into giggles. What a day. Talking like teenagers about sex, boys, and giggling at calling each other names. Who said you had to grow up? This was just what Taryn needed.
“Some things never change with you girls.” Beth Sanders entered the small room and laughed at the two of them.
Taryn and Kyra's laughter continued at being caught. At least the conversation shifted from sex to calling each other names. Taryn could handle getting caught with this one.
“Sorry, Mom.” Kyra spoke up first.
“I never said I was complaining. I love seeing the two of you like this. Don't let me interrupt. I just came in to grab my drink.” She grabbed something from the fridge, shook the bottle, then left the room again.
Taryn's phone rang, and she picked it up from the table to answer. “Hi, Chris!”
“Hey, drummer girl. Just wanted to check in. I landed, and we're on the way to the hospital already.”
“Thanks for letting me know. Good luck today. Call or text me as soon as you're able once you're in recovery.”
“Promise. I gotta make this short. Don't tell Melody, but I called you first.”
Offbeat (Love and Music In Texas Book 5) Page 27