Hart felt privileged to play the role and let her fans know about her Red Nose Day appearance via Twitter. ‘Happy RND. Watch beginning to end, don’t blink because you’ll miss my vital role in F&S sketch. And that’s what tonight is really about. Me.’
Her inept director character was chosen to ‘direct’ the film because as her equally incompetent producer (Sue Perkins) put it, ‘She’d done working with actors before and she was the right person to put it in the camera.’
Hart gives a fantastic performance as the nervously fumbling director, desperately trying to muster up enough confidence to actually direct the actors: ‘Can everybody stay where they can see the camera, please? That’s the first rule of filming apparently. And stay in the middle of the photograph and bend down if you’re tall.’
In 2002, Comic Relief and BBC Sport joined forces to create a new fundraising event, Sport Relief. It is staged every other year, alternating with Red Nose Day, so there is now a Comic Relief drive every year. In its time, it has seen some pretty amazing achievements from the public and celebrities alike. Memorable moments have included Bob Mortimer beating Les Dennis in the ring as part of the first-ever Celebrity Boxing, David Walliams swimming the English Channel in 2006 and the Gibraltar Strait in 2008, and Eddie Izzard’s astonishing 43 marathons over 51 days. Until only a week before he set off, Izzard had never run a marathon, but he managed to complete one six days a week for a solid seven weeks, covering 1,166 miles. This phenomenal feat raised over £1,152,510 for Sport Relief.
In 2010, former Channel swimmer David Walliams led a team of celebrities, including Miranda, on an epic bike ride from John O’Groats to Land’s End in what was called The Million Pound Bike Ride. He said that he thought this would be more fun than his solo swim because of the camaraderie and group support. Comedian Jimmy Carr said his biggest concern was ‘falling off the bike and it not being captured on camera’. Also in the team were such luminaries as Davina McCall, Patrick Kielty and the television presenter Fearne Cotton, who in 2009 accompanied another group of celebrities who climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in aid of Comic Relief. Cotton expressed great passion for the work the charity has done over the years: ‘Going out to Africa or visiting charities and organisations in the UK is so fulfilling. There’s no better feeling than seeing how that money’s directly helping people.’ With the cycling marathon, though, came some minor worries about her own welfare: ‘I’ve got concerns that I’ll never have children after doing this, due to what’s going to happen to my lady parts.’
Also joining the team was the fresh-faced stand-up comedian Russell Howard. He said the reason he agreed to do it was that everything would be organised for him. Howard is pretty fit so wasn’t concerned too much about the cycling, but rather scared of potential monsters: ‘I’m a bit of a wuss… You know you read these stories about wild cats that roam? It’ll be just my luck if like this massive panther just took a bite out of me. And I die – dressed in Lycra.’
But what of Miranda Hart’s concerns for the event? She felt nervous, certainly. ‘Since Monday night when we did our night cycle training, I have felt nauseous and I’m told that is being out of shape and I’ve got to push through it, so that makes me nervous.’ It didn’t help her that, while the rest of the team had been training, Miranda had been taking a holiday in Thailand and became ill on her return. She said, ‘Our trainer made the mistake of saying, “Don’t stop eating anything, eat loads of carbs.” It was fine for the others who’d been in training, but I was taking his diet advice without doing the training, so I piled on the pounds and got steadily more unfit.’
By the time the cycling marathon came around, she had only done a full two hours of training on one occasion, which she would have to complete twice a day throughout the challenge. While on holiday, she had posted a picture to Twitter of her sunning herself, with the comment: ‘Whilst @ThisisDavina et al are on bikes training, I am doing this in Thailand. And they’re all fit already. Help!’
On her blog, Fearne described how gruelling the training was: ‘At the weekend myself and David Walliams, team captain of said challenge, headed out to Marlow where our wonderful trainer Greg lives. He took us on a 90 minute cycle of doom around the local hills. I unintentionally dismounted (fell off) twice, and David got four punctures in 90 minutes which I believe is a world record.’
When Hart returned, she tweeted: ‘Back in blighty and not entirely happy about it. Was meant to come back thinner and fitter. Pun coming – fat chance.’ After her first training session she said that she hurt in places she didn’t know existed, and that her throat was still preventing her from exercising properly. On 13 February, she told her Twitter followers, ‘Two weeks tomorrow we go to Scotland for cycle challenge. I only managed 20 mins on bike today. This is proper scary. bring back healthy me. [sic]’
She battled on with the training, determined to succeed. The night ride cycle training was particularly demanding and she ended up crying three times, as ‘every pedal vaguely upward was painful’.
Davina McCall was just as committed, as gruelling as the training was: ‘Even if I’m dying, I will give it everything I’ve got.’
So, on 1 March 2010, the team assembled at John O’Groats to set off. Their trainer, Olympian Greg White, explained what they had ahead of them: ‘This is a really tough challenge. We’ve got a group of unfit celebrities who’ve never ridden a racing bike before who are going to embark on a 1,000 mile trip across the roughest terrain in the UK in the middle of March where we could be down to minus five or ten degrees centigrade. With wind chill, that could be down to minus 15, in the snow.’
The seven riders (minus Jimmy Carr who was on tour) set off and cycled the first 12 miles as a group. Miranda took a tumble immediately. ‘I fell off at the start, when I was standing. It was slightly embarrassing. And because it was embarrassing and there was a lovely crowd, I felt like I couldn’t go, “actually, that really hurts”.’
After the first stretch, they had a continuous relay; if they were to achieve Walliams’ ambitious target of reaching Land’s End in just four days, they would have to go at a sprinting pace. David continued alone, while the others stopped for breakfast and to find their tour bus. It was somewhat smaller than they had anticipated, as Davina observed, ‘Miranda doesn’t fit anywhere on this bus.’
Four miles into his solo ride, David was forced to endure a snowstorm but remained optimistic about the situation: ‘It’s lovely and cooling though, on your face.’
Because of the ambitious time limit, the team were using racing bikes, which aren’t suitable for icy conditions – so there were a lot of ‘unintentional dismounts’. Meanwhile, on the bus, Miranda applied an ice pack to her bloody knee.
Davina took the second shift, talking to the camera as she cycled. ‘After everything I’ve seen on all my amazing trips with Sport Relief and Comic Relief, that if I get asked to do something and I possibly can to raise a bit of wonga, I’ll bloody do it. And that’s that.’
Miranda was getting more and more anxious about her night cycle. Before the ride, all of the team members had been given comprehensive fitness tests. Miranda’s GP did not approve of the ride, giving strict orders that she was only to cycle an hour at a time. So, while Russell Howard took the helm, Miranda shared her anxiety with her Twitter followers: ‘Waiting for my cycle stint. an hour to go. very dark, very cold, very nervous! onwards. [sic]’
Under the pitch-black night sky, Hart so wanted to support her teammates that she defied her doctor and opted to do an extra hour of cycling. But it was a massive struggle – ‘I want to cry, I feel so weak’ – and 15 minutes before her handover she was forced to dismount and walk. David Walliams took over and, back on the bus, Miranda explained how faint she had become. It was totally understandable; she had been riding in icy winds, in the dark, for an hour and 45 minutes. She told Fearne how she was embarrassed about snubbing the crowds: ‘I got in the car, there was a whole mass of lovely people with bagpipes and I just stormed off…
’ Her usual candid self, she posted details of her ordeal on Twitter: ‘Couldnt climb the wall i hit on my stint, had to walk up hill in -6. Had first weep of trip! Dont want to let anyone down but this is HARD. [sic]’
The celebrities were finding it hard to sleep on the bus, what with the noise and cramped conditions. One thing they had, though, was warmth. Riders had to face temperatures as cold as minus 15 Celsius, and, having suffered this for hours on end, the pacemaker had to stop at risk of hypothermia. A real trooper, Davina continued alone, keeping herself company by talking to the camera. The whole team was finding it so hard. Even on the first night, Patrick Kielty said he had got to bed at 6am, but ‘cried until quarter to eight’.
Spirits were raised when they learned that, on the first day alone, they had raised over a quarter of a million pounds. Still, everyone’s mind remained on the job in hand and Miranda was starting to worry about slowing the team down. She shared her view of the experience with a documentary cameraman who was filming their efforts: ‘The joke is on me because, when I got asked to do the ride, I thought it would be fun! There are small pockets of fun in a 24-hour period but it’s predominantly hell on this very earth. But you have to keep going because people sponsor you and the cause is so worth every pedal.’
Having now crossed the border from Scotland into England, the third day found the group tackling the toughest terrain yet – the Lake District. Luckily, it was the day when Jimmy Carr could finally join them to help out. He had been away on a stand-up tour and could only commit to the one day. He hadn’t joined them in any of the training sessions as he said, ‘training is basically cheating’. He found the ride quite a shock: ‘This is hard,’ he told the crew while cycling. ‘I’ve done eight miles so far, which is officially the furthest I’ve ever cycled in my life.’ He ended up getting the slowest time of all. But he brought a fresh perspective to the group and was surprised how well they were coping: ‘Everyone seems in pretty good spirits. I mean David seems pretty tired but Davina seems massively upbeat.’
Miranda was given the morning off. She explained on Twitter: ‘…can’t walk up step let alone pedal. Got to get over this wall for my 2 hours this pm.’ She got a lot of support from her fans on Twitter as well as from her fellow cyclists. ‘Very painful ride as back went ten mins in but just had a shower and looking forward to sleep. @ThisisDavina and @fearnecotton keep me sane. [sic]’
Peter Jones, the extremely tall entrepreneur from Dragons’ Den, came to meet the team and towered over them all, even David Walliams. He had been helping by encouraging businesses across the country to donate to the cause and had the pleasure of telling them how much money they had raised. And by 1pm on the third day they had raised £627,000. This was fantastic news, but the pressure was on to reach the million-pound target by the time they reached Land’s End. Walliams joked, ‘You’re like a lovely uncle giving us lots of money to spend on sweets.’
On the fourth and final day, spirits were high and the end was in sight. David teased Miranda, ‘Do you feel guilty taking some of the glory? Do you feel a little bit ashamed, in a way, that you’ve sort of conned the public?’
She took the joke in good humour, but answered seriously, ‘Well, I would have but I’ve done so much more than I thought I would. And actually I made up time for the team yesterday because I went so fast.’
Throughout the journey, it was Patrick Kielty who was the cyclist with the highest average speed, at one point reaching 45mph on a downhill stretch. Psychologically, though, he was losing his strength: ‘What happens on the trip is our energy levels just go and go and go, so, when you want to cry, you want to cry like there’s a dead dog in your house.’
As the team had started together, so they finished together. They completed the last eight miles as a group; symbolic of the journey they had taken together. As they crossed the line, crowds of supporters cheered and applauded their fantastic achievement. Among those there to greet them were Dawn French and Peter Jones who gave Walliams the final total. He announced to those gathered that, during their 82-hour cycle, they had raised £1,006,509. With the addition of donations after the event, the final amount raised totalled £1,337,099. All their hard work, determination and commitment meant that hundreds around the world could have a better life.
It had been quite a slog. After the event, Miranda told a BBC entertainment reporter that it wasn’t just the cycling that had been a trial: ‘The bus stank, I get travel sick and I couldn’t stand upright in it. Me and David Walliams couldn’t stand up.’ They asked what the bus had smelled of and she replied: ‘Mainly David Walliams. He’s very manly. The only way that he was manly was by odour.’
David Walliams also told the press: ‘It has been an amazing challenge, so much harder and more gruelling than any of us thought it would be. To have raised a million pounds in four days is a fantastic thing – thanks so much for everyone who sponsored us, it kept us going.’
Not everyone had the same attitude, though. Miranda shared a nasty tweet she received, which suggested she only did the ride for self-promotion: ‘Before the cycle ride you were that unknown fat woman of the TV. It has now raised your profile so mission accomplishe. [sic]’
She replied with impressive restraint but with just a little sarcasm: ‘Yeah, sweating up a mountain with no make-up and a cycle helmet, crying is the kind of publicity we court. Twas genuine. Chill. [sic]’
Of course, the majority were totally behind the group, including the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He invited Miranda, Fearne and Jimmy to Downing Street along with Christine Bleakley, who had crossed the Channel on water skis, Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton, who had kayaked 2,000 miles along the Amazon, and Lawrence Dallaglio, who had cycled to every Six Nations stadium during the tournament. The PM said, ‘I am always moved and inspired when I hear about people who have gone to incredible lengths to raise money for important causes. But these celebrities haven’t just inspired me – they have also inspired people across the country to get involved in Sport Relief by raising money and getting active at the same time.’
Miranda reported on Twitter that she had left a signed photo of herself on the PM’s staircase. ‘On a less boring note i dreamt i met Gordon Brown, curtsied then farted a i rose to a stand again. I dream sitcom. [sic]’
Good old Miranda. Yet only one year on from Sport Relief 2010, and her celebrity status would have stratospherically risen. She would play a much more prominent role in Comic Relief 2011.
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DOING SOMETHING FUNNY FOR MONEY
‘It’s safe to say, on the basis of her towering presence in this year’s show, that Miranda Hart is properly, Comic Relief famous.’
– Stephen Armstrong, The Sunday Times.
By 2011, Miranda Hart had come a long way since working as the Comic Relief office temp. Now she was one of the big stars of its special fundraising events. Only the very best and most respected comedy favourites are asked to contribute their very own sketch or insert to Red Nose Day. Even during the 2010 Sport Relief event, Hart had felt strange about returning to the offices of her former day job: ‘Walking down that corridor that I used to work in every day but being on the other side was really weird but very exciting.’ But this Red Nose Day, she was even bigger news, having won numerous awards for her eponymously titled sitcom and becoming one of Britain’s most recognised comedy actresses.
A number of interviews Miranda did promoted the cause. She appeared on ITV’s Daybreak wearing one of the campaign’s T-shirts, designed by Vivienne Westwood. ‘I’m wearing the Miranda T-shirt obviously, another Queen!’ she says, though this was of a different Miranda: Miranda Richardson as Queenie from Blackadder II. In a big fundraising year for the charity, the government joined in, promising to match Comic Relief’s own commitment to spend £10 million on health and education in Africa. Andrew Mitchell, the International Development Secretary, said, ‘Even in these tough economic times, the British public has given an incredible response to Comic Relief’s appe
al, showing yet again their compassion and generosity. The government will come in behind the public’s effort, to support and amplify the choices that British people have made.’
Large corporations became involved, too. Walkers Crisps joined in the fun again in 2011, creating four new flavours named after British comedians: Jimmy con Carrne (Jimmy Carr), Steak and Al Pie (Al Murray), as well as Frank Skinner’s Roast Dinner and Stephen Fry Up. British Airways, too, played their part, setting a new Guinness World Record for the ‘highest stand-up comedy gig in the world’. The night’s acts, Dara O’Briain, Jack Whitehall and Jon Richardson, who performed at 35,000ft on board an A321 aircraft, helped BA raise £800,747 for the charity. BT sponsored the Red Nose Desert Trek, where a group of celebrities including Dermot O’Leary, Ronni Ancona, Scott Mills and Craig David braved the Kaisut Desert for a 100-kilometre walk, in temperatures which reached 38 degrees Celsius.
Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton, who had kayaked the River Amazon in the previous year, walked a tightrope between the two towers of Battersea Power Station. At 200 feet, it became another record for the show, as it was the highest a British woman had ever walked a tightrope. Meanwhile, Famous, Rich and in the Slums was a documentary made for the show in which Comic Relief stalwart Lenny Henry and a group of celebrities lived, worked and experienced the plight of someone living in the slums of Kiber in Kenya.
Comic Relief decided to look into what embarrasses Britons in The Big Red Face Report. The survey showed: ‘The top five most common British embarrassments were farting in public (32 per cent), walking around with flies undone (26 per cent), moaning about a colleague and being overheard (16 per cent), falling asleep, snoring and dribbling on public transport (12 per cent) and calling your partner by the wrong name (12 per cent).’
Miranda Hart Page 21