by Chris Fabry
If you try to force grapes to grow faster, Rose says, you’ll get bad grapes. How does this apply to people and relationships? How do you think it might apply to Jed and Rose’s relationship going forward?
WEEK 1
DEEPENING DESIRE
DAY 1
I Want to Know What Love Is
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:1-3
Where do we go if we want to know what love is? What are the trusted sources to help us understand romantic love? There is certainly no shortage of voices on the subject. The books we read, the music we listen to, and the movies we watch often revolve around the subject of love. Not long ago I was waiting for a prescription to be filled at a local drugstore and decided to kill time in the magazine aisle. The dominant headlines promised answers to all of our questions about love, sex, and relationships. I jotted down some of the headlines:
What’s Love Got to Do with It? (I’m not positive what It is, but It is probably what you think It is.)
How to Make Her Jealous
15 Ways to Get Over a Breakup (#13: cry)
Why You Must Date a Guy with a Cat (I’ll withhold the comments I want to add in an effort to not alienate cat lovers.)
How to Heat Things Up Fast
60 Tips for Sizzling Sex
5 Things You Can Tell about Her in 5 Seconds
10 Ways You Know He’s Lying
I had too much pride to run the risk of being seen reading any of these magazines. In fact, as I stood in the aisle I pretended to be reading Sports Illustrated in case someone happened to walk by and see me looking at a women’s magazine. (That sounds like something a guy who owns a cat would do.) My point is that tons of advice is out there when it comes to our love lives. But if you really want to know what love is and how you can experience it to the fullest, the best source is God’s Word. After all, these things were his idea. He is the architect and the creator of love, sex, and marriage, and he knows how it works best.
Specifically we will be looking at a book in the Old Testament called Song of Solomon. It may be thousands of years old but its insights about love are up-to-date. It’s a book of poetic literature that I pray will do more than just inform you as a husband and wife but inspire you to see the passion and purpose God wants for your marriage relationship.
Song of Solomon as a book of poetry can be romantic and even quite erotic. At times as you are reading Song of Solomon you may find yourself saying, “Wait. What? Who put this into the Bible?” The truth is that the ancient Hebrews didn’t label and separate ideas as we do. They didn’t have one box for “spiritual stuff” and another for “love stuff,” for example. Everything was a spiritual issue, including the mysteries between men and women. We tend to compartmentalize different areas of our lives and we often keep our love lives in a completely separate door from our spiritual lives. We don’t often talk about subjects like love, sex, and intimacy in church. But this approach tends to be more of a modern-day, Western-culture phenomenon. The people of Solomon’s day believed and understood a basic reality: all truth is God’s truth. This is where we must begin, with an understanding that God not only has helpful wisdom for our love lives but that these areas fall under his authority. There is no way to know what love is and to experience it fully apart from God.
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:2-3
Our definition of love can sound a lot like a Hallmark card, but the poetry in Song of Solomon takes us to a different level. The first three verses make it pretty clear that somebody’s in love. Though there are some different opinions and interpretations about who says what and to whom throughout this book, these words are thought to be written by Solomon’s fiancée; in later verses, the king himself would speak. These words are passionate, but look a little closer and you’ll find that she spoke of his “name.” That’s a reference to his character, his reputation. When she heard people speak the name of Solomon, it delighted her because of the kind of person people knew him to be.
The focus of most of those magazines in the drugstore was on physical appearance. And while that is certainly part of attraction (when I first met my wife, I didn’t think to myself, Look at the character on that girl), if you really want to know what love is, learn to value and admire a person’s name. Love should move quickly toward an interest in the true nature of the person.
The Bridge
Today, reflect on the growth of your love during the time you’ve been together. Where did it really begin for each of you? It may have begun with physical attraction, but when did you first feel that their name was “like perfume poured out”?
When my wife, DesiRae, and I first started dating, I took her to the nursing home to meet my great-grandmother who, at age ninety-four, could be a bit cantankerous at times. I sometimes took my dates there to see how they responded in that environment. Before leaving my great-grandmother’s room, I asked her if I could pray for her, and during my prayer I opened my eyes and saw DesiRae holding the hand of my great-grandmother. She suddenly seemed even more beautiful to me (DesiRae, not my great-grandmother . . . not that she wasn’t beautiful). Take a few minutes to remember some moments when you were attracted to each other’s name.
Here’s a cheesy but practical exercise that can help you identify how you are attracted to the “name” of your spouse: Take each letter from your spouse’s first name and come up with a character quality you find attractive in them and then share a moment when they demonstrated that quality.
Here’s what DesiRae came up with for my name:
Kind
Y
Loyal
Encouraging
Apparently the Y was more difficult. I suggested “Yummy” based on Song of Solomon 1:1-3, but she decided to “leave it blank for now.” Anyway, have some fun with this. Ask God to deepen your desire for one another by helping you look at each other through this lens.
Next Verse: Proverbs 22:1
DAY 2
That’s What Makes You Beautiful
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:5-6
As the story goes, a few years ago a wife answered the door, and a man asked, “Is this the home of Robert ‘Rusty’ Stevens, who played Larry Mondello on Leave It to Beaver? We’re trying to locate him because we’re making a reunion show for the Disney Channel.”
She looked at the man as if he were crazy. “This is Robert’s home, but I’m afraid he’s never been a TV star.” Disappointed, the man went away. She was familiar with Beaver’s pudgy best buddy, who always had an apple in his back pocket. But her husband, Robert? Come on.
“Who was it?” asked Robert. She laughed and told him. “Oh, he had the right house,” he said. “I played Larry in sixty-seven episodes of Leave It to Beaver.” “What? And you never saw fit to mention something like that to me?” Her husband shrugged; no word on whether he pulled a fresh apple out of his pocket and took a bite.
It’s probably unlikely that you unknowingly married Topanga or Urkel, but ask yourself how well you really know your spouse. Have you recently taken the time to genuinely ask questions and attentively listen? Some of the best marriage advice I ever received was to become a student of my wife, to intentionally spend my life studying and understanding her. It takes time and effort, but to deepen your desire for your spouse, you need to deepen your understanding.
In Song of Solomon 1:5-6, we find Solomon’s fiancée not feeling very desirable. Though he may have considered her beautiful, she didn’t feel that way about herself. But she felt safe enough to be vulnerable and tell him some things about her that maybe he didn’t know.
Dark am I, yet lovely, daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my ow
n vineyard I had to neglect.
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:5-6
In these verses, Solomon’s beloved offered a kind of disclaimer. Today it would be, “Please forgive my appearance! I came straight from work.” In fact, she was explaining that she was a bit too tanned for the day’s standards of glamour. She had been working in the field; she had been serving her family to the neglect of her own needs.
How would that strike you? I would think, Here is a girl who has no sense of entitlement, no pampering. She gets things done and she’s willing to break a nail or two doing it. And frankly, I’d find that attractive. It’s one of the things I really love about my wife. I remember the first time I held hands with her. We were at the theater watching The Lion King. She had placed her hand on her leg closest to mine giving me the green light to grab it. I interlocked my fingers with hers and noticed right away that her hands were much rougher than mine. I married a farmer’s daughter who grew up raising pigs and driving combines. She may have been self-conscious, but I loved these things about her. The more we are genuinely interested in getting to know our spouse, the deeper our desire for them will be. Some of the vulnerability and insecurity that your spouse may be reluctant to share has the power to draw in your heart.
The Bridge
As we’ve discussed, romantic love may begin with a little eye candy, and that’s natural. We’re human, and God made us to admire and appreciate beauty. But what are some surprising things you have learned about your spouse along the way that have deepened your desire? What are some of your spouse’s insecurities where a few words of encouragement from you might go a long way to make them feel desired? Instead of paying them the same compliments as usual, think through what affirming words they need to hear.
Solomon grew up as the privileged son of a king. His experiences and background were very different from the girl he loved. What are some of the ways God has made you different from your significant other? Instead of assuming that your spouse needs to be more like you, take a few minutes to affirm and value what makes you different.
Next Verse: Proverbs 31:16–18
DAY 3
I’ll Be There for You
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:7
What’s your favorite genre of movies to watch? I read an article that explained the reason we often choose to go to a certain kind of movie is more than just about entertainment. It may be on a subconscious level, but apparently we are drawn to movies that allow us to experience an alternative reality. So if your life is boring and mundane, chances are you love a good action-adventure movie. If your life is safe and comfortable, you may be drawn to a scary movie. If your life is predictable and certain, you may love a good mystery. And if you feel lonely or disconnected, you may love a romantic tearjerker or a romantic comedy. (Don’t get defensive. I’m not saying these are exclusively the reason you would enjoy a certain kind of movie. Yet there must be some truth to it because I read it on the Internet.)
One of the primary reasons your desire for your spouse diminishes instead of deepens is that you just accept your current reality. You just accept that things are the way they are, and the passionate kisses, the long walks hand in hand, and the uncontained laughter are just for the movies. In Song of Solomon we consistently witness the husband and wife pursuing each other and making time together a priority.
Here’s an example:
Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?
SONG OF SOLOMON 1:7
In today’s verse, the fiancée made a simple request: Give me your work address. She wanted to know where he hung out during the day, and of course the right question for that was “Where do you graze your flock?”
The point here is not too complicated—she wants to go where he goes.
When two people are very much in love, they have no trouble figuring out ways to spend time together. As a matter of fact, time becomes their canvas for creative expressions of love. They try new restaurants or maybe they consistently visit the same one where they order the same thing. They find time and a place to run or take walks. The point is that time together is a priority. The question for you and your spouse may not be “Where do you graze your flocks?” Instead the questions might sound more like this:
Do you want to start blocking off Tuesday nights for dinner?
Do you mind if I run to the grocery store with you?
Are you free to join me on the porch for a few minutes?
What if we started going for bike rides in the evening together?
Do you want to run over and spend some time with your mother?
In struggling marriages, which crumbles first, quality time together or romantic feeling? The answer is yes! Those two things are tightly enmeshed. Time builds love and love makes time. It may come easy when you’re head over heels, but in a great marriage it will take a little work. It has to be an intentional priority. You’re going to pursue spending time with your spouse because your relationship is worth it. Sometimes we think romantic desire shouldn’t require effort, that it should come naturally. But that’s not true. Deepening any desire requires time and energy. You make pursuing time with your spouse more of a priority and your feelings of desire will start to catch up with your intentional actions.
Sometimes it’s the small stuff that pays the big dividends. He’s not really into Downton Abbey, but she likes it—so he sits down and watches with her, sparing the snarky comments. She’s not really into watching basketball, but she loves his passion for it. So they watch together (and only talk during the time-outs).
We feel most attracted to people when we see them at their best. I’m impressed with this woman that Solomon loved. She was willing to meet him in the pasture. Not a super romantic place, last time I checked. Sheep do not make for an interesting evening, but she wanted to be where he was.
The Bridge
It’s trite to say it, but let’s be trite: Love takes time. It takes patience and the willingness to go somewhere—literally or figuratively. For today, let me suggest doing something together out of the normal routine. Find ways to “go” somewhere new, to be together under new circumstances. I’m not so sure about Red Lobster and bowling, but whatever it takes, be there for each other.
Now that our four kids are a bit older, here’s how we try to spend time together:
Daily: We take time to talk and pray together without interruptions.
Weekly: We go on a date. We try to go out one evening a week, but sometimes it’s just connecting for a short lunch.
Quarterly: We leave town for a two-night romantic getaway (full disclosure: sometimes she comes with me on a work trip).
Annually: Just the two of us go somewhere for a week and have as much fun as possible.
It may look different for you, but I know this doesn’t happen by accident. Pull out the calendar and agree together about some times and places where you can connect.
Next Verse: Ruth 1:16-17
DAY 4
Shout It Out Loud
SONG OF SOLOMON 2:4
I read a story in the news about a billboard off I-95 in North Fort Lauderdale that simply read, “Brad Loves Melissa.” Brad had noticed that a jewelry company had a prominent billboard that his wife passed by every day on her commute to work. Over the years Brad has found different ways to publicly declare his love for his wife. He has put the message “Brad Loves Melissa” on everything from a side of a building to a giant inflatable advertising balloon. Brad contacted the jewelry company who owned the billboard and asked for their help in making his declaration of love. Sean Dunn from the jewelry company said, “It was a no-brainer for us, as we are in the business that is all about creating things that show people you love them; 99 percent of the time it is a stunning piece of designer jewelry, but this time it is a billboard.”
Can I be honest with you? I don’t really like Brad. I don’t actually know Brad, but I know
enough. He makes the rest of us guys look bad. Can’t he just go by the Hallmark store on the night of February 13 like the rest of us? He’s like the kid in school who studies for the test and sets the curve high. He’s like the neighbor who has a perfect lawn and uses some sort of dark magic to create a checked pattern in his grass. He’s making it difficult for the rest of us. The truth is that when it comes to declaring our love for our spouses, most of us aren’t too proactive or creative.
Solomon and the girl he loves are not shy about their feelings for one another. Like passionate sports fans they want the world to know of their love. There is something about declaring our love that deepens our desire. It’s a way of choosing sides and stepping over a line. Solomon’s bride-to-be knows how Solomon feels about her, and so does everyone else.
Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.
SONG OF SOLOMON 2:4
Solomon’s fiancée spoke of him leading her to the banquet hall. So she likes eating out? Well, that’s probably true, but what counts is he’s showing her off in public. He takes her hand and says, “I want you to meet the guys.” What message does that send? It says, I love you and I want everyone to know it. And she feels special. She says, “Let his banner over me be love.” That’s what flags are for, right? We wave them to show our allegiance.
Then there’s the opposite: that sad situation when people disparage their spouses in public. Both men and women do this, dragging their banner in the mud. Wives dish the dirt about their husbands. Men belittle their wives. And it’s all passed off as something light, just joking. “Take my wife—please, take her!”