“Thank you,” I say, and finally drink my coffee. I actually like the idea. And maybe Mom is right, maybe I do need just a few hours to actually slow down a bit and do something nice.
I am still feeling a bit shaken, after all.
Chapter 18
Linus
IT’S FRIDAY.
This is not unexpected. I learned the days of the week quite a while ago, thank you! And yet I am so entirely unprepared, it’s not even funny. I am not even remotely ready and at the same time I am really, really looking forward to it.
You don’t have to tell me that I am entirely and completely overreacting and probably making it a hundred million times worse by building it up in my head like this. But seriously, try being in my head for a bit. I can’t really help it.
I have changed my clothes three times this morning and in the end I have at least stuck with the shirt Meg suggested I should wear. It’s a good shirt. But I’ve changed pretty much everything else and I haven’t done that thing with my hair that she suggested. If I show up looking too radically different, he might notice and realize that I am noticing him and it might all get terribly, terribly awkward and weird and I don’t want that.
In fact, now that the initial shock has worn off, it occurs to me that if I just act normal and don’t do anything weird like making a move on him, whatever that would even entail, we could even maybe become friends. Maybe. It’s not completely impossible. He just seems really nice and maybe if I can manage to not be too awkward …
In any case, even if it’s just tutoring, I’m pretty sure that this could be a lot of fun.
I enjoy tutoring. I like explaining things and helping others understand them; it makes me feel useful and needed and I guess I just like helping people.
And also, I just like people.
People sometimes seem to assume that just because you like learning about things, you don’t like being around people. But you can like books and people at the same time! You can like as many things as you want! You’re even allowed to be good at sports and good at math, if you’re so inclined! You can be a great oboist and an excellent car mechanic! You can love cartoons and Shakespeare! You can even like all of the old Star Trek series and the reboot, and I will totally judge you for it. But that’s just my taste and you can feel free to disagree with me. We don’t all have to like the same things.
The day flies by, which is both good and unnerving. Good because this way I can’t drive myself insane with worry. Not so good because suddenly it’s the end of last period and I can’t put it off any longer. I’m going to meet up with Danny, the cutest guy in this entire school.
“Do you want me to wait for you after school so we can go have coffee, or do you just want to come over once you’re done here?” Meg asks, suddenly showing up next to my locker.
I look up at her, startled out of my thoughts. “You don’t have to wait,” I tell her. “I’ll just take the bus over after tutoring and you better have the coffee ready when I get there! I’ll probably need it!”
She salutes, grins at me. “No problem. You’ll even get a cookie. Text me when you leave here?”
“Sure.”
“Well, then.” She pats my shoulder, looks almost as excited as I feel. “Go be charming. You can do this! I believe in you!”
“I know I can do this,” I point out. “I’ve tutored math before.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Not what I meant!”
“Go home,” I say, and playfully nudge her shoulder. “I’ve got this.”
“I know you do,” she says, and turns to go.
And I take a deep breath and close my locker and turn for the library.
I can do this. No big deal. It’s just tutoring.
Chapter 19
Meg
I WISH I COULD SNEAK into the library and spy on Linus and Danny, but I’m not creepy, so I don’t do that. It might distract me from my weird mood, though.
All day long, I haven’t been able to pull myself out of this funk I am in. I’m sad and irritable and a little miffed that Linus didn’t really seem to need me at all today—I could have accepted Mom’s offer of taking the day off and going shopping instead.
And now I am being unfair. Linus didn’t ask me to come to school today. That was my decision. And also, I do know that he was probably a lot more nervous than he let on.
I drive myself home and let myself into the silent, empty house. I think I’ll have at least an hour until Linus comes over. Probably longer.
Maybe he won’t come over at all. Maybe I was right all along and they’ll hit it off right away. Danny will fall madly in love with Linus and they’ll extend the tutoring session into a date and really all I ask is that I can be best woman at the wedding. Maybe that will put me in a better mood. Because right now, I’m just lonely and bored.
Coming home from school is pretty much the same routine every day: I walk in the door, take off my shoes, and put them on the shoe rack. I put my book bag down by the stairs that lead up to the second floor and walk through into the kitchen, to start a fresh pot of coffee and put away the remaining dishes from breakfast. Mom and I are usually in a bit of a hurry in the morning and only manage to put the milk and anything else that is perishable back in the fridge.
Only today when I enter the usually empty kitchen, Mom is already in it and just closing the dishwasher, turning around when she hears me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“And a good afternoon to you, too, my favorite daughter,” she says.
“Did you make coffee?” I ask a little greedily at the sight of the full pot still in the machine.
“Yeah, I needed a jolt of caffeine before getting back to work. The renovations on the second floor at the museum got so loud I couldn’t hear myself think in there,” Mom says. “So I brought the rest of my work home with me.”
“I really am so jealous that you can just do that,” I tell her, and walk over to the cupboard to get a mug and treat myself to my first afternoon coffee of the day.
I own a variety of mugs for my afternoon coffee: I have a TARDIS mug, two different Star Trek mugs, a Yoda mug, one with Shakespeare quotes, and a Firefly mug. Today, I choose Shakespeare.
“Quiche for dinner?” Mom asks.
I nod. “Linus might be here, too.”
“No problem.”
Usually, Mom and I make dinner together and then pick something to watch that Mom ends up ignoring a lot of the time because she’s busy reading over some things she brought home from the museum.
It doesn’t bother me because it means she doesn’t complain when I put on The Mummy for the third time in a week. Which she shouldn’t be doing anyway, because it started out as her favorite movie. Even though she denies it and, in her capacity as resident archaeologist, dutifully complains about its many historical inaccuracies, I know she still secretly loves it.
It’s not unusual for me to watch a movie three times a week. I have this thing where I need to watch a movie that I enjoyed over and over again. A lot of people find that annoying. Linus makes fun of me for it, in that kind way that he has for making fun of people that means you can never be mad at him for it. Sophia used to tease me about it, too, but then she’d sit down and watch Pirates of the Caribbean for the fifth time with me anyway, despite her complaint that she already knows the entire dialogue by heart. That’s love for you! Or … at least it was love.
But remembering these things makes me sad, so I’m not going to dwell on them.
I don’t know, I guess I just always thought that if you found someone who’s willing to put up with all your crazy just to make you happy, it must be the real thing.
But I’m starting to dwell on it now, so I should go do something else.
“I have homework,” I tell Mom. Time for some distraction by some indisputable facts about ionic compounds, courtesy of Mr. Mahoney’s chemistry assignment.
“Don’t forget your coffee,” she says. “I should get back to wor
k, too.”
I have a few more assignments to get through after chem and I only have an hour today, after all, because after that Linus will come over and we will analyze his “date” with Danny.
I know, I know. He insists that it isn’t a date. And maybe it’s not. In fact, he’s probably right and this is really just a tutoring appointment. But at least one of us should be happy, so I’ll make sure those two crazy lovebirds will get it together eventually.
I know Linus gets lonely. Even if he never ever complains about it. Linus rarely ever complains about anything.
When Sophia and I were together, we made sure to include him as often as possible. Still, he must have felt like a third wheel so many times. I mean, I feel like I’m having abandonment issues today and he is, as he keeps insisting, not even on a date.
I take my coffee and my bag upstairs and sit down at my desk, where I continue to sit for minutes and just stare moodily down at my chem homework. Honestly, I usually enjoy this. I like studying, it’s interesting, and chemistry has always held a certain appeal for me. Today, however, it just doesn’t do anything for me at all, no matter how much I try to focus and be excited about it.
I have actually considered chemistry as a major for college. But I have considered twenty other things as well. History is fascinating. But would I want to focus on languages? Or maybe archaeology, like Mom? I also love math, though, and lately I have been really into astrophysics. But I’d also like to help people directly, and being a doctor sounds like something that I might really, really want to be doing with my life. On the other hand, imagine working in a museum and getting to translate ancient scrolls that no one has looked at in sometimes thousands of years? Isn’t that just the coolest thing ever? Even if—or maybe because—in real life, mummies don’t come back to life. But then imagine working in a lab and getting to work on the future instead of studying the past!
I wish I knew what to do with my life. I sometimes really envy the people who do.
Like Sophia. And I am not saying that getting there was easy for her; she put a lot of thought into it as well. Entire nights we stayed up on the phone together, talking it over and over and over and over.…
But, I don’t know, the moment she finally settled on music therapy, it just seemed right. To both of us: to her, who chose a path for her life, and to me, who loved her and wanted her to be happy and fulfilled.
She could have been anything she wanted to be. But the thought of her actively working with and helping people and making their lives better by using something she loved so much—I just know that she is going to be amazing.
And I am thinking about her again and what the hell, why can’t I stop? This just isn’t fair. My homework is still lying abandoned before me and this is clearly not the best possible use of my afternoon.
I wonder when all of this will finally stop hurting so much.
With a sigh, I turn back to my chem assignment. If I can just shut off this tiny, annoying part of my mind for thirty minutes, maybe something grounded in fact will help me take my mind off all this pointless moping.
Chapter 20
Linus
WE HAVE AGREED TO STUDY together in the library but, it occurs to me as I walk down the hall, we forgot to specify exactly where we would meet.
So I am faced with a rather interesting dilemma all of a sudden: Do I go in and wait for him there, or is it politer to wait out here for him?
Usually when I’m tutoring people I just start on my own homework in the library until they feel it’s time to show up. But. Is Danny going to be late? I don’t know!
This is absolutely not a big deal and it’s not a complicated decision to make, but it suddenly seems like one. Which means I remain standing outside the glass doors to the library like an idiot, clutching the strap of my book bag and shifting my weight from one foot to the other before I think: What if he is in there already? I am, after all, only five minutes early. And I don’t know how he feels about punctuality; he may be in there right now sitting at a table already and waiting for me to show up.
But, I continue my speculation, let’s say he really is already in there. Would it seem overeager to walk in five minutes early, or would it just seem professional, or would it seem like maybe I am just five minutes early because I didn’t keep waiting out in the hall like a moron until it was exactly the right second to walk in?
While I am still pondering this and trying to make up my mind, a voice speaks up right behind me.
“Oh, good, you’re here already!”
Dignified as I usually am, I let out a squeak and jump approximately five feet high before landing back on my feet, face burning and one hand pressed over my pounding heart.
“Danny! Hi! I—um. Didn’t see you there! Um.” Well, I think, wincing, good thing I keep my eloquence even after nearly leaving my own body with fright.
He cringes, lowers his head a little, rubs the back of his neck with one hand. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay,” I assure him quickly. “I only almost died. No harm done!”
“Good,” he says.
“Uh,” I continue, trying desperately to avoid any awkward silences. “So. Ready to, uh. Make sense of some numbers?”
He nods and gestures for me to go ahead through the large glass doors. “Yeah, sure!” he says. “Looking forward to it!”
So, I know he is totally exaggerating, but it still makes me blush that he’s being so nice to me. I turn away quickly to hide my face and in my rush to escape almost miss the door handle and narrowly avoid an embarrassing collision between the glass door and my face. I really need to get a grip on myself and I know it, but something about him just seems to deactivate all the clumsiness inhibitors in my system. And I don’t have too many of those on a good day.
We find a table near a window and I drop into my chair, a little surprised when he immediately sits down next to me instead of across.
Sitting next to each other makes tutoring a lot easier since we don’t have to read our notes and textbooks upside down. However, I have found that most people like the table as a barrier between us. Don’t sit too close to the gay nerd—people might see!
Danny does not seem to have any of those concerns as he pulls up his chair and drops his bag under the seat, props his head up on his hand, one elbow on the table, and looks at me with a small grin. Well, he is new. He probably doesn’t know that I’m gay and that people might judge him for wanting to sit near me.
I grin back because I don’t know what else to do right now.
“Okay, then,” Danny says. “Here we are! Teach me, oh wise one!”
That makes me laugh, loud enough it immediately makes me look around for the librarian. I like Ms. Carter and I don’t want her to be angry with me.
“I’ll do my best,” I promise him. “So, is there anything in particular you need help with? Or just like, you know … homework?” I wave my hands in a wide circle around the last word to encompass the vast universe that is math.
He shrugs, looks away, and blushes a little. “It is—pretty much everything, yeah. I—I think it’s just that we didn’t cover any of this at my old school, you know? I just need to catch up and math is not—it’s just not my favorite. My grades are good, but this stuff just gives me a headache. I mean, what even is a secant line? You know.” He looks almost apologetic, as if insulting math is going to be insulting to me personally. “I just look at all this and it’s like my brain just sort of rejects it? It’s really frustrating and it doesn’t help my GPA.”
I nod and try not to swoon visibly and of course he has good grades, of course; he is, after all, just ridiculously perfect in every way.
“It’s from Latin, secare,” I say, “which means ‘to cut.’ It’s a straight line between two points on a curve.”
He blinks at me. “Excuse me?”
“A, um. A secant line. Your question.”
He laughs. “Right. Thank you! I assume it’s all good for som
ething?”
“I promise you that it is.”
“I guess I have no choice but to believe you.”
“Maybe just show me what you’ve been having trouble with in class and we’ll start there?” I suggest.
“Sounds good,” he agrees, and bends down to dig through his bag.
I only stare at the elegant curve of his back for a few seconds, until I realize what I’m doing. Then I quickly avert my eyes because I am not a creep. But from what I can tell, he does indeed have a very nice back. Not as broad and wide-shouldered as those Sports Jerseys. Just nicely shaped and as lovely as the entire rest of him.
I get a pen and notepad from my own bag and hope he couldn’t, like, feel me looking.
“So, you kind of like math, then, huh?” Danny asks, still busy searching through his bag.
It’s my turn to shrug. “Kind of, yes. I find it interesting. And sort of soothing sometimes.”
He sits back up, puts his things down on the table, and lifts an eyebrow at me. “Soothing? Really? How so?”
I think about it for a moment, trying to find the right words. “I guess,” I try to explain, “it’s the satisfaction of seeing individual things coming together in a way that makes sense. Like, having a set problem in front of you and arranging it all into a clean and definite solution. It’s like making sense of things, you know? Bringing a sense of order into something that otherwise seems chaotic.” I blush, lowering my head. “And now I’m babbling. I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head quickly. “No, no, you’re not babbling at all. I totally get it!” He bounces in his seat a little. “I mean, not about the numbers obviously; they still scare me. But I kind of feel that way about words, so…”
“Oh, yes, you’re in drama club, right?” I ask, then realize that it might be weird to know this much about him and quickly add: “Uh, I just saw you talking to some of the drama club people the other day when I was thinking about signing up myself.”
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