“Oh no, we’ll definitely get you up onstage,” he interrupts, grinning widely at me. “Trust me. It’s fun! And I’ll help you. You know, if you need help at all. But—just—you can count on me.”
“Thank you,” I say. He’s so nice.
“So, listen,” he continues, hiking his bag higher up on his shoulder. “I’m actually really glad I ran into you, because I have a question for you. Or—it’s, um, more like a favor, I guess. And you can absolutely say no, I just—”
“Danny,” I cut him off, and I cannot contain a grin; he is adorable when he starts rambling. “What is it?”
“Right, um.” He laughs, rubs the back of his neck. “I was just wondering—I know we’re supposed to meet up Wednesday this week, but I have—I have had a look at the parts of my homework we didn’t get to on Friday and it’s all just—” He sighs. “It still all just looks like a jumble of letters and numbers to me. I just think I need a lot of help. With math. You know. So I guess I was just wondering if maybe you happen to have a few minutes for me today? I know this is really short notice and you probably already have plans, but I—”
“I have a debate team thing this afternoon,” I say, and his face falls.
“No, sure, of course,” he says. “It was a long shot to begin with, I—”
“If it’s not too late for you, um, we can meet up after that,” I quickly tell him. Because I really do need to meet with the debate team; it’s our first meeting of the school year. But I’m not going to pass up an opportunity to spend more time with Danny! Plus, I feel really bad that we spent so much time talking about other things on Friday. I don’t usually let myself get distracted like that. It was really unprofessional of me. I should have spent more time helping him study.
He bounces a little on the heels of his feet, looking very pleased. “Really? I don’t want to keep you from anything. Are you sure?”
I have no idea how cool he thinks I am that I couldn’t clear my schedule several hours in advance. But I just shake my head and try to look reassuring instead of hopelessly ecstatic at the prospect of hanging out with him again so soon. “You are not keeping me from anything. Believe me. It’s not a problem!”
“That’s so nice of you,” he says. “Thank you so much. I really appreciate it!”
“The library will be closing, though, once I get out of here,” I say. “We should probably meet somewhere else.”
“The coffee shop down the block?” he suggests. “You know, where I work. We could meet there. I’ll save us a table and get started on some other homework while I wait for you.”
I tilt my head at him. “Are you sure you’re okay with hanging out in your workplace on a day off?”
He nods. “Sure. It’s perfect, actually. I get my employee discount, and also at least there I’m sure that the machines are clean.” He laughs. “You like coffee, right?” he asks.
“I’m definitely a coffee guy,” I tell him.
“We make this really amazing caramel macchiato,” he says. “But I guess you know that since that’s what you’ve been drinking all summer.”
“You remember that?” I say, a little confused.
“Yeah, of course. You ordered that all the time.” He grins.
“Oh.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “I just … really like that caramel macchiato, I guess.”
“Well, it is delicious.”
I lower my eyes, not sure what to say. After all, yes, I like that drink, but it wasn’t the reason I kept coming back. I can’t exactly tell him that. “You’re sure you don’t mind waiting?”
He shakes his head. “Not at all! I’m just grateful you are willing to meet up with me again so soon!”
“Of course I am,” I say much too quickly, and promptly blush tomato red.
He keeps looking at me and it’s making me a little nervous. So I clear my throat and take a step back. I have to get to class anyway if I don’t want to be late.
“Okay, I guess I’ve kept you long enough. I don’t want you to be late for class,” he says.
I blush darker and stare at my feet. “I’ll see you later,” I mumble, and hurry away before my face has a chance of actually bursting into flames.
I also really wish that Meg were here right now. Even if all of this doesn’t mean anything and I know I’m way overreacting, I still really do want to talk about it.
At least I manage to get to class two minutes early and I do something I have never in my life actually dared to do before: I get out my phone and send a text to my best friend with the teacher already in the classroom.
I just really need to talk about all of this.
Chapter 23
Meg
WE’RE JUST FINISHING UP ON our late breakfast when my phone vibrates on the table. I pick it up to check my messages. It’s Linus.
For a second, I’m confused—Linus never texts in class and class should begin any second now—but then I check what he’s written.
Danny found me and asked if we could meet today already! o_O
I can barely contain my triumphant grin; I knew it! He likes him! Danny likes Linus! I was right all along!
I hope you were smart enough to say yes to that! I write back.
He starts typing out a response immediately and I watch the small dots at the top of the screen while I wait. The fact that he is risking this when the teacher could come in any minute tells me everything I need to know about his emotional state concerning Danny. Not that I hadn’t already been pretty certain of his feelings for him prior to this.
Of course I said yes! He needs my help. I just have debate this afternoon!
Skip it! I text immediately.
I’m meeting him afterward, Linus replies.
Oh, okay. Even better!
At the coffee shop.
I smile. How romantic!:)
Stop it! I’m just excited because I’m silly like that and I needed to tell you.
Have fun! I tell him. And any details you want to discuss later … You know how to contact me!:P
Need to go! Class! he writes, and I put my phone down.
“Who was that?” Mom asks, looking up from her toast.
I just give her a look in return. “One of the five hundred other friends I have besides Linus.”
She sighs exasperatedly. “Well, excuse me for asking!”
“He was texting in class! I’m so proud of him! He’s turning into a regular little rebel in his old age.”
She snorts. “As if you’re so dangerous. Remember how I had to talk you into skipping today?”
“Hey, one of us has to live on the edge,” I inform her. “And I’m really glad it doesn’t have to be me. And it can’t be Sophia anymore since she’s no longer one of us, apparently.”
She frowns. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember Sophia as being particularly dangerous, either.”
“Oh no, you’re mistaken.” I grin. “That one time we went to the movies, she brought in a whole bag of gummy worms and we ate them during the movie instead of buying the expensive stuff there.”
“How rebellious,” Mom says proudly, and I nod. I remember that afternoon well; most of all how my palms had sweated, heart hammering hard in my chest. I’d missed almost the entire first half of the movie because I’d been so scared someone would catch us and throw us out for smuggling in our own food. Clearly, I am not well suited for a life of crime. But then, Sophia hadn’t been doing much better.
It’s a nice memory, until I remember everything else, like the fact that there won’t ever be any new memories like that with Sophia. She’s going to be doing all of this with someone else now. Maybe she’s even doing something like this with some other girl right now, I think, and I get sad.
This isn’t fair. I don’t want to have to remember all this good stuff if all it does is remind me how much I miss her. All I want is for her to be here with me and love me, and that is never going to happen. And maybe, I think, I would have preferred it if none of it had ever
happened because you can’t miss what you never had.
“Hey,” Mom says. “You’re thinking of her again, aren’t you?”
I sigh. “Sorry. It just—happens.”
“Well, that’s why we’re having this day in the first place,” she reminds me. “If you want to forget about shopping and instead just stay in and look at photo albums and listen to sad music, we can do that, too. I’ll make cookie dough!”
I straighten my shoulders and shake my head. “No. I don’t want that.”
The thing is, I am still a little dubious about this whole concept of wallowing in the first place. I don’t know if going shopping can really qualify as wallowing, but it’s honestly as far as I’m willing to go at this point, and I’m doing it for Mom more than for me, to be perfectly honest. She seems so proud of the idea.
As for the rest, the memories and all that … Well, I’m already sad. I don’t understand how allowing myself to be super extra sad for a day is going to help matters. I don’t believe that there is a certain amount of sadness that I have to go through, and that if I take a day to use up a large portion of it, there will be less of it left for later.
Books and movies and songs promise that eventually, I won’t feel it as much. But honestly, I am in no particular rush to get there. The sadness is the last thing I have left of her.
“Okay, fine. We’ll go shopping,” Mom says. “I actually do need a new jacket.”
“I need a new pair of jeans,” I decide. “There’s this one pair I’ve been meaning to get rid of for a while.”
“Absolutely,” she says cheerfully. “Finish your coffee. I’ll buy you another one at that coffee place you like later.”
Maybe this day won’t be so bad after all, I think.
Chapter 24
Linus
I TEXT MY MOM THAT she doesn’t need to pick me up after school before I make my way to the debate team gathering. Technically, Meg is on the team, too, but since she’s not here today I’ll have to fill her in on the details of the meeting later.
Once we’re done I make my way on foot to the coffee shop down the block where Danny said he’d be waiting for me. I’ll have to figure out how to get home later because I’ll miss the bus and I still have homework. But I’ll worry about that when the time comes. Right now, I’m still working on keeping my face as neutral as possible in order to not show my excitement too obviously. I don’t want to freak him out by seeming hopelessly overeager.
I can already see him through the large front window as I approach. He’s secured us a table near the front, which is another nice thing to do—most people I tutored previously would probably have preferred to be hiding in the back because being seen with me does not earn you any status points. I kind of like that Danny doesn’t seem concerned about that.
He has a book and a notepad on the tabletop in front of him and it looks like he’s working on some other homework assignment.
He looks up as I enter and smiles at me; I don’t even have to make a conscious decision to smile back. It just sort of happens to my face.
“Hi,” I greet him, walking over to the table.
He closes his book and shoves it aside, gestures toward the empty chair on the other side of the table. “Hey! Sit! You’re earlier than I expected. Do you want something to drink? I was gonna get myself another cup anyway just now.”
I sit, dropping my bag next to my chair. “Oh, I’m fine, thank you, I’ll just—”
“You’re in luck,” he says. “Joan is working today. She makes the best macchiato.”
I glance over to the counter, where a tall girl with blue streaks in her hair is just refilling the water tank on the giant coffeemaker. “Oh. Cool.”
“So.” He pushes his chair back. “Do you want one of those again? Or something else?”
I am seriously so lost right now. Is he offering to buy me a drink? Because that’s not necessary—he’s already paying me for the tutoring. “Just a regular coffee,” I say, reaching for my bag to get my wallet.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Okay.” Before I can say anything else, he’s already jumped up, gesturing for me to stay where I am. “Coming right up! My treat. You know. As a thank you for you making time for me today.”
I barely even have the time to nod to acknowledge that I heard him before he’s already walked off in the direction of the counter. Since I feel weird just sitting here waiting for a boy to bring me coffee, I start getting my notes from the last session out of my bag and quickly look them over to refamiliarize myself with what we were working on. Also, focusing on my notes is less creepy than watching the adorable back of Danny’s head as he leans across the counter to chat with Joan and the older half-bald guy who is working with her.
“Here you go,” Danny says a moment later, putting a large mug full of steaming-hot coffee on the table in front of me.
I look up at him. “You didn’t have to get me the large one.”
He shrugs. “No big deal.”
“Let me pay you back,” I offer, going for my wallet again, but he reaches out as he’s sitting down, putting a hand on my arm.
“It’s on me! I told you. Don’t worry about it. Besides, I still get a discount here because I work a few afternoons a week.”
I open and close my mouth and can’t feel much besides his hand on my arm. “Uh, but—” I start, and don’t know how to continue.
“Linus,” he says.
“Huh?”
“Let me pay for your coffee? Please?”
I hesitate, don’t quite understand, and I can’t help but glance down at his fingers still touching my sleeve. He lowers his eyes, withdraws his hand far too quickly, and clears his throat.
“Sorry,” he says.
“No, no, it’s—um.” I laugh, a little too shrill probably. I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we’re here in public together and he remembers me from the summer and he just brought me coffee. “It’s fine. Uh. Thank you. I—thank you.” And then, to let him know that I get how friendship works and I don’t just expect this to be a favor, I add, “But I get to pay for you next time!”
He looks delighted, far more than I would have expected over the promise of a free cup of coffee that is strictly speaking not even free since he already paid today.
“Yes, okay,” he says. “You have a deal!”
“Wonderful!” I make sure to smile back at him. Fortunately, smiling at him is really not a difficult thing to do at all. “So, do you want to get started? Sorry you had to wait for me—”
“No, this was good.” He bends down to put away his book and get his math supplies from his bag, continuing to speak to me from under the table. “It gave me time to get started on my preliminary notes on The Misanthrope.”
“Molière!”
“Yes.” He sits back up, puts his math book down on the table. “You’ve read it?”
“I have. I liked it.”
“So—you’re into books, too? Or just the science stuff?”
I shrug. “I’m into studying, I guess? Learning stuff. You know. I like to read all kinds of things.”
“Oh, okay. That’s really cool.”
I lower my eyes and bite my lip, fingers playing with the pencil resting on my open textbook. He says the kindest things sometimes. “Thank you!”
“Well.” He lets out a short laugh. “Shall we get started?”
I look up and nod, relieved. “Yes. Yes, we shall.”
Despite the less-than-ideal setting—a library is much better suited for studying than a noisy coffee shop—we do succeed in getting quite a lot of work done over the course of the afternoon.
Danny is a fast learner and not really bad at math at all. Just a little behind because his last school must have used different lesson plans. Which means I can already predict that our sessions will come to an end, which makes me a little sad. On the other hand, helping someone is a good feeling, and helping him is the entire poin
t of this particular exercise and the only reason we are here at all. So I guess we’re doing well, all things considered.
I walk out with him once we’re done and he keeps talking to me, about school and drama club, and I don’t really have anything to add to the conversation. I’m mostly just grateful that I have survived this day so far without embarrassing myself. But I’m more than willing to listen to whatever he has to say. I like his voice a lot.
“Where’s your car?” he asks once we’re in the parking lot, looking around.
“I don’t have one,” I tell him. “My dad dropped me off this morning.”
He frowns. “How are you going to get home, then?” He looks seriously worried about this.
I wave my hand to indicate it’s not a big deal. “I’m going to call my mom and see if she can pick me up. And if she can’t, I’ll walk; it’s only, like, half an hour on foot from here.”
He looks guilty. “You missed your lift home because of me, didn’t you?”
“It’s seriously not a problem. I don’t mind walking.”
“I can drop you off,” he offers.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine getting home by myself.”
“My car is right over there,” he insists. “And it’s not a big deal. I’d be happy to do it. It’s my fault anyway that you’re stranded here.”
I hesitate. The truth is, I mean it that I don’t mind walking, but I do still have homework. And if he does drop me off, I get to spend a few more minutes with him. When it really comes down to it, I’m too weak to resist the prospect of more time with him.
“Fine,” I say, and he beams at me.
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