by Bonnie Leon
Paul suddenly felt defensive. “Not everyone’s meant to have a family.”
Patrick continued, as if Paul hadn’t spoken. “Those boys are hard workers. Don’t know what I’d do without them. And Lily . . . well, she’s a treasure. Couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.” He glanced at Paul. “She’s a fine cook and a help to Sassa and me.”
Paul’s stomach tightened.
“Did you know that once she stood her ground against a grizzly? Brought it down with one shot, then skinned it out and put up the meat.” He rocked his whole upper body in a nod. “Not many women in the world can do that.”
“No, don’t imagine there are.”
Patrick took a deep breath and blew it out. “She’d make a fine wife.”
“She would.” Paul was used to Sassa playing matchmaker, but never Patrick. He wondered if Sassa had put him up to it.
Patrick turned serious eyes on Paul. “It would please me and Sassa if Lily were to marry a man . . . like you, Paul.”
“Me? I’m still green, a cheechako.” Trying to make light of the conversation, he grinned, but inside he felt sick and wished he could change the subject.
“All the more reason for the two of you to match up. You need her. She could teach you a lot.”
Paul pushed to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Are you asking me to marry your daughter?”
“You’d be a good match. And I’d be proud to have you as part of the family.”
Paul stared at the creek. It flowed quietly, barely moving, a picture of serenity. Inside Paul felt a drone of misery. Measuring his words carefully, he said, “I’m honored you feel that way. You and your family are like my own.” He turned and looked at Patrick. How could he explain? “Lily’s a fine person, but I don’t plan to marry.”
Patrick stood. “A man needs a woman, someone to share his life.”
“I had a wife once.” A tomb of silence fell between the men. “I’m better off alone.”
Patrick furrowed his brow. “I didn’t know you’d been married before.”
“It was a long time ago.” Paul took a step toward the stream and steered the conversation back to Patrick’s proposal. “And Lily’s still a girl.”
“Seventeen’s not that young. If you two get married, you can live on the crick. You both love it here. And she’d be close to her family, to Sassa.” He studied the otters. “And being married before doesn’t mean you can’t get married again.”
This was going to be more difficult than Paul had anticipated. Would it take the truth to stop Patrick? “What about love?” Paul broke off the top of a reed. “Lily doesn’t love me.”
“How do you know that? Have you ever asked her?”
Paul thought back over their exchanges. She had, at times, seemed interested in him. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t fit to be a husband.
“She’s pretty, smart, and hardworking. She’ll give you children.”
“Patrick. Stop.” Paul’s gut tightened. He knew what he needed to say. “You don’t want me for a son-in-law. I wouldn’t be a good husband.”
“What do you mean—”
“I killed my first wife.”
Patrick stared at him. “What do you mean? I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it. It’s true. She’d be alive today if not for me.” Memories pummeled Paul. “I thought I knew everything— me, the young and gifted doctor.” His voice dripped with derision. “I knew she wasn’t feeling well. She was nearly due to deliver our son and she wasn’t feeling well. She was retaining water and she’d had a seizure. I decided that bed rest would be enough.”
“What more could you do?” Patrick’s voice was filled with compassion.
“I should have put her in the hospital, delivered the baby . . . something.” Memories ripped through Paul. He’d found her in the hallway, facedown. She’d died of heart failure three days later.
Patrick put a hand on Paul’s shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I was supposed to know. I was a doctor.” The strength seeped from Paul’s legs. He sat on the log and put his face in his hands. “She trusted me. I should have known.”
Patrick sat beside him and placed an arm over his shoulder. “I didn’t know you were a doctor. Go easy on yourself. Even doctors make mistakes.”
Paul gazed at Patrick through a blur of tears. “She was my wife.” He sucked in a ragged breath. “She and my son counted on me.” He swiped away tears and tried to focus on Patrick. “So, you see I can’t marry Lily or anyone else.”
“All I see is a man carrying a load of guilt . . . unnecessarily. God doesn’t hold you accountable for a mistake. You did your best. And your wife wouldn’t want you to throw away your life.”
“My best wasn’t good enough.” Paul shook his head. “And I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. Where was he for Susan and our little boy?” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, holding back tears.
“Some questions in this life have no answers. But God knows.”
“I’m done with him and with marriage,” Paul nearly shouted and then stalked up the trail toward his cabin. Fresh anger and anguish swelled inside. He felt as if he’d been skinned. Would it never get better?
As he approached the cabin, he spotted Lily sitting on his porch steps. Before he could turn around, she saw him. Why was she there? Was she going to plead her case for marriage? He hoped not. He forced down his emotions, slowed his stride, and walked up to the porch.
She stood as he approached, but only glanced at him.
“Hello, Lily. Nice to see you.” He tried to keep his tone light. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“Didn’t figure you would.” She gripped the railing. “We should talk.”
“Sure.” Paul sat on the bottom step and motioned for her to sit.
She settled on the top step. “I know my dad talked to you tonight . . . about us getting married.”
“He did.”
“I can’t be silent.”
Paul steeled himself against what she had to say. He didn’t want to break her heart.
“I admire you, Paul, and I think you would make a fine husband.”
He groaned inwardly.
Lily looked out into the forest, then back at him. “I love my father and mother, and I want to make them happy, but . . . I can’t marry you.”
It took a moment for her words to penetrate his mind. They weren’t what he’d expected to hear.
“You’re a good man, but I want to get away from here. I want to see other places and meet new people. I’ve never been anywhere.”
Paul let out a relieved breath. “I don’t think your parents know how you feel.”
“They know. But they think I’m too young to make my own decisions.” She clasped her hands. “If I stay here and marry you, I could be happy—we would have a fine life, but I want more than fine. I want adventure. I want to be like Kate.”
“You want to be a pilot?”
“No. I want to be like her. She had a dream and she went after it. She’s so brave.” Lily looked at Paul, her brown eyes gentle. “I don’t think you want to marry me, either.”
“It’s not you, Lily. It’s just that I don’t want to marry anyone.” Jasper flew in and landed on his perch. “If you want to see the world, then I think you should.”
“There’s so much out there I want to experience.” Her voice trembled with excitement. “All I’ve seen are pictures of places. I want to see them for myself.”
“There’s lots of beauty in the world, but there’s evil out there too. And greedy people who could hurt you. You’ve got to be careful.”
“I know. But people like that live right here in the territory.” “True.” He studied Jasper who was preening. “Going away won’t necessarily make you happy. Happiness is something you possess, no matter where you live.”
Lily was quiet for a long moment, then asked, “But isn’t that why you came here? To find happiness?�
��
What could he say? Is that why he’d come? Finally he said, “I wasn’t looking for happiness exactly.”
“So, have you found what you came for?”
“Not yet.”
24
Humming “I’m in the Mood for Love,” Kate headed down Third Street. She’d heard the song on the radio that morning and it stuck. She pulled her coupe to the side of the road in front of Paul’s hotel. He was already waiting on the sidewalk and ambled toward the car.
“Good morning,” Kate said as he slid onto the front seat.
“Morning.”
“Great day for a fair.” She put the car in gear.
“Perfect.” He rolled down his window. “Lucky for me that I stopped by the store yesterday.”
“Yeah. I’m glad you could join us. It should be fun—the more the merrier.” Kate pulled onto the street. “Is it true, Lily left for the states?”
“Yep. That’s why I was in town. I came in with the Warrens. Lily’s ship sailed yesterday.”
“Where’s she heading?”
“Seattle first. After that, I don’t know. She’s pretty excited, though.”
“How do Patrick and Sassa feel about her leaving?”
“Sassa was in tears. They’re both worried, but that’s normal. Lily’s never been out of Alaska.”
Kate nodded. “I’m happy for her.” She rolled down the car window. “Warm for September.”
“Enjoy it while you can.” Paul settled back into his seat.
“I’ve got to go by Mike’s to pick him up. Frank and Sidney are at the airfield. Frank had a run to Fairbanks last night, but he’s supposed to be back.”
When Kate pulled up at Mike’s, he was sitting on the porch steps. He strolled toward the car, his arms swinging freely at his sides. Opening the back door, he climbed in behind Kate. “You’re late,” he said, leaning forward and dropping a kiss on her cheek.
Kate glanced at Paul. She wasn’t certain he knew about her and Mike. “I’m not late.”
Mike clapped a hand on Paul’s shoulder. “Good to see you.”
“It’s been a while,” Paul said, his tone brittle.
Mike sat back, a smile on his face. “This should be a doozey of a fair. Heard there’s going to be speeches, a rodeo—all kinds of excitement. Folks are wound up over this being the colonists’ first crop.”
Kate caught a wink from him in her rearview mirror. “When we get there, what do you want to do first?” she asked.
“I’d kind of like to see the giant cabbages. The paper said there’s one that weighs twenty-five pounds.” Mike shook his head. “Can’t imagine a twenty-five-pound cabbage.”
Paul glanced over his shoulder at Mike. “Wouldn’t mind seeing that myself.”
“Who cares about cabbages?” The wind blew Kate’s hair into her eyes. “I want to ride the Ferris wheel. One was brought in just for the fair.”
When they pulled into the airfield, Mike leaned out the window, giving the field a good look. “I thought Frank was coming with us. Don’t see his plane.”
“Probably got held up somewhere.” Kate shut off the engine. “Sidney’ll know. Hope he can come. He was really excited about going.”
Mike hurried out of the car and opened Kate’s door for her. “He’s been having trouble with his plane. Wonder if he was forced to put down somewhere.”
“He might be stuck in Fairbanks making repairs,” Kate said, trying to quiet the alarm going off inside.
The three headed for the shop. Mike opened the door and held it for Kate and Paul before following them inside. Sidney was at his desk, going over a map.
“Where’s Frank?” Mike asked. “Thought he was going with us to the fair.”
“He never made it back.” Sidney’s tone was grave.
“Did he leave Fairbanks?” Kate asked.
“Yeah. He called in and told me he was on his way. Should have gotten in hours ago.”
“What time did he call?” Mike’s voice was sharp.
“’Bout five o’clock.” Sidney looked at a map in front of him. “Figure he set down somewhere’s around here.” He ran a finger along the map. “He always follows the Nenana River.” Sidney glanced out the window. “Kenny and Jack are already out looking for him.” He lifted his hat and scratched his head. “Wish he’d put a radio in that plane of his. Every one of you ought to have one.” Sidney sounded angry.
“If they didn’t cost an arm and a leg, we would.” Mike’s voice prickled with irritation.
Sidney stared at him. “I’ll bet right about now Frank’s kicking himself for not spending that arm and a leg.”
Mike ignored the comment and headed for the door. “I’ll get up in the air and have a look.”
Sidney resettled his hat on his head. “A couple of pilots from Merrill Field are searching too. One more pilot wouldn’t hurt, though. Most likely someone’s already found him, and they’ll be back in time to join you at the fair.” His tone was cheerful, but worry lay behind his eyes.
Mike turned to Kate. “You and Paul go ahead. We’ll join you later.”
“I’m not going while Frank’s missing.” Kate folded her arms over her chest. “I want to help.”
Mike pulled a pack of gum out of his shirt pocket. “Frank really wanted to go to the fair.” He unwrapped a piece and stuck it in his mouth. “He wouldn’t want all of us to miss out. It’s the biggest fair in Alaska, for crying out loud.” He chewed. “He’d want you to go. We’ll meet you there. I promise.”
Kate wasn’t convinced. “Another searcher will help.”
“What, you going to follow me?” Mike chewed furiously. “We know his flight path. Shouldn’t be too tough to locate him.” He threw the gum wrapper in the trash. “You know him, steady, dependable. He always takes the same route.”
Kate was torn. Mike was probably right. “Okay, but if you guys don’t show up soon, I’m joining the search.”
“You got a deal.” Mike smiled. “Don’t worry. We’ll find him.”
He headed for his plane. Sidney walked Kate and Paul to the car. Kate stood beside the coupe and watched while Mike readied his Fairchild. I ought to be helping.
As if reading her thoughts, Sidney said, “Go and have a good time. I’ll let you know if I need you.”
“Okay, but I won’t have a good time, not until I know Frank’s safe.” She opened the door and slid behind the wheel.
Paul climbed in the other side and closed the door. “So, Frank’s a good pilot?”
“Yeah. He’s one of the best.” Kate turned the key, pushed in the clutch, and put the car in reverse. “He’s probably fine.” Her mind envisioned Frank, calmly sitting on a stump somewhere beside his plane, drinking a Coke while waiting to be rescued. She couldn’t imagine anything terrible happening to him.
The fairgrounds parking area was jammed with cars and trucks. Kate ended up sandwiched between an old sedan and a farm truck with manure piled in the bed.
She wrinkled her nose at the smell. “Looks like whoever owns that rig decided to come at the last minute.”
Paul and Kate walked side by side across pastureland. Shouts from barkers, excited squeals, and laughter carried over the open field.
Kate watched a Ferris wheel rise above the exhibits and booths and tried to put Frank out of her mind. “That’s where I’m headed.” She picked up her pace.
Once in the midst of the activities, excitement caught hold of Kate. There were vendors selling hot dogs and candy. Carneys called to people, luring them to spend money on games. Kate had to admit she loved the games and planned to drop a little cash in some of the booths before heading home.
Paul had his eye on the Ferris wheel, which rose high above the fairgrounds. “You ready?”
“You bet.”
Paul and Kate stepped into line with several others waiting their turn on the main attraction. A little girl in front of them gripped the hand of a boy who looked only slightly older than her. Kate figured it must be her bro
ther. The girl’s eyes were wide as she watched the wheel go round and round. She looked frightened.
Kate knelt beside her. “No reason to be afraid. It’s great fun.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“I’ve ridden lots of times. It’s almost like flying.”
The girl didn’t look reassured, but moved forward with her brother. She climbed onto a seat and clung to the boy’s arm as the bar was locked in place in front of them.
Kate glanced toward the parking lot, hoping to see Frank and Mike walking across the field. There was no sign of them.
When it was their turn, Paul gave Kate a hand onto the rocking bench and climbed in beside her. They were pressed together, his broad shoulders taking up a good deal of space. Kate didn’t mind. Paul’s eyes were bright with anticipation, and she realized she’d rarely seen him look excited or happy. She wondered, again, what kind of sorrow he carried.
When the Ferris wheel started turning, enthusiastic shouts resonated from other riders. When they crested the top, Kate couldn’t hold in a laugh. “This is my favorite part.” She gazed across the grounds to the fields and forests at the feet of nearby mountains.
Paul smiled broadly. “It’s impressive.”
Kate looked down at the people below. “Everyone seems so small.”
“Guess you could say we have a bird’s-eye view.” He chuckled.
Kate studied the carnival activity. Remembering Frank, she searched for him and Mike. Still no sign of them.
Paul rested an arm across the back of the bench. It was almost like having his arm around her. Kate liked how it felt being close to him. Her mind went to Mike. He wouldn’t like it. Kate leaned slightly away from Paul.
“Have a look at that,” he said, pointing at a corral with people crowding the fence. A chute opened and a calf broke free. It leaped and twisted, doing its best to unseat a boy clinging to its back.
“Boys . . . they always love a challenge.”
“And girls don’t?” Paul smiled. “Especially ones like you?”
“Okay. Some do.” Kate smiled, enjoying the camaraderie between her and Paul. “I almost forgot how much fun carnivals can be. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one.”