She was in a dark airless room, it was so cold outside, but in this room it was always hot.
“Hot, I’m hot…”
“Where, can you tell me where you are?”
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She replied without hesitating, as though she were reciting, “Hospital Wing C Thirty-three, Hut Forty-two.”
Franks removed the blanket, but she didn’t seem to notice.
She was watching the white gloves lay out the cards, one by one. She could smell him, he was telling her to concentrate on the cards. “Remember the cards, Rebecca, keep on looking at the cards, remember the cards…”
Franks asked Rebecca to listen only to his voice, but she sat up, bolt upright, and her head began to swing from right to left and back again.
Franks asked what she was doing. She didn’t answer. He told her to hear her mother’s voice, to stay calm.
She kept on shaking her head from side to side, a set expression on her face. She saw the white gloves move to the curtain. She wasn’t ready, but the curtain began to move slowly back, and then she saw Ruda, held up by the woman. Ruda gave Rebecca a tiny wave of her hand. She was so thin, her body was covered with sores, and Rebecca had to remember.
Franks became concerned—Vebekka was still sitting upright, tugging and pulling at her clothes.
“Rebecca, listen to me, can you hear me?”
Again she did not answer. She had to get the colors right, she had to get the colors right. The same persuasive voice spoke to her again, “Feed your sister the colors, feed them to her, make her call out the colors and she will have sweets, she will have toys…come along, my pretty one, the curtain will be closing, I am closing the curtain.”
Vebekka lay stiff. Franks checked her pulse, it was very fast. She was not responding to him, she seemed not to hear him.
“Rebecca, listen to me, move forward in time, listen to my voice!”
She spoke in German, still paying no attention to Franks. Her words came out like small rapid bullets: “Red, red, blue, red, green, blue, red, blue, red, red, red, red, red, blue, green…”
Franks pressed his emergency button for Maja to enter. Vebekka continued to call out the colors as Maja moved to his side. She carried an electrode box.
The baron looked to Helen. “Dear God, what is happening in there?”
Helen, though unsure, tried to calm him. “It’s all right, he knows what he is doing.”
“Red, blue, green, red, red, red, green, blue, red, green…”
Vebekka suddenly became quiet, her voice trailing away, her head slumped onto her chest.
“Rebecca, Rebecca, can you hear me?”
She murmured, and he signaled to Maja that he didn’t need the electrode box. He moved close to the sofa, held Vebekka’s hand and spoke softly to her, bringing her back to consciousness. She seemed drugged, her voice slurred. “Yes, I can hear you.”
Franks asked where she was. She remained silent; he asked again, telling her to listen to his voice, her mama’s voice was gone, just to hear his, he wanted her to recall what she had just been telling him, it was important she remember…
They watched her as she slowly came to, and then Dr. Franks held her hand. “Sleep for a little while now, sleep and when you wake up you will feel well, you will be able to discuss everything we have talked about, do you hear me?”
“Yes, I can hear you.”
“Who am I?”
“Dr. Franks.”
“Who are you?”
“My real name is Rebecca, but I call myself Vebekka.”
Franks relaxed; he dabbed his head with his handkerchief. He asked Maja to sit by the sofa, then walked out.
Helen and the baron joined Franks in his office. “Well, now we know…your wife had been hypnotized by her mother to forget something, possibly in an attempt to help her. But the outcome, as you more than anyone else know, has been catastrophic. She will need many sessions, we have just begun.”
Helen could not sit, she started to pace the floor. “As you know, Mengele experimented with tiny children, in particular on identical twins, preferably females, but first he had to establish which twin was most responsive.”
Franks took down a number of books from his shelves. “We will need to study all the records of Mengele’s tests. Rebecca was repeating some kind of code—the colors were spoken not in French or English, but in German! Yet she has maintained she does not speak German.”
The baron was visibly upset, and sat in a state of complete confusion. Not being able to stand it any longer, he blurted out: “I don’t think you have any idea what you are doing. How can you go on with this? Don’t you think she has suffered enough as a child? Now you want to take it a further step. I refuse to allow this, I refuse!”
Franks stopped him gently but firmly. “You cannot wish this, you cannot leave her in limbo. We have brought to the surface some of the horrors inside her and she will need extensive therapy to be able to control them and come to terms with…”
“No, I refuse!”
Franks looked at Helen. “Perhaps you need to discuss this in private.”
Franks walked out of the room. The man needed some time to come to his senses. They had made incredible progress, and he was sure with therapy Rebecca could come to terms with her past.
He walked down the corridor to his study. Vebekka was sitting up, her feet on the ground, but her hair looked tousled, as if she had been deeply asleep.
“How is my sleeping beauty?” he asked gently.
“A bit shaky, but she’s still here.”
He opened his arms and held her. Her voice was muffled. “I want my sister, I want my sister.”
He stroked her hair. “I know… I know, and you’ve hidden her away for all these years, haven’t you? But you know now, you didn’t hurt her, it wasn’t you, Vebekka. It was not you.”
She gave a sad smile, and asked for a glass of water. He went to a side table, and poured some iced water. “Your husband is very afraid for you…he wants to end the sessions.”
She took out a cigarette and he lit it for her; she inhaled deeply. “Do you think this longing I have felt always…is it for Ruda?”
“Of course, she was part of you, she was your twin!”
She sat silently for a while, and then said, “I feel a terrible sense of loss.”
“That is understandable, you have lost your safety net, your trunk, the one with all the chains, the one you were so afraid to open.”
She stubbed out the cigarette. “What did they do to me?”
He crouched down in front of her. “We’ll find out, we’ll find it all out, my dear, and gradually you will understand. But it will be hard going.”
She nodded. “I don’t remember…I don’t remember.”
He smoothed her hair away from her brow—she felt hot. He stood up. Drink up, drink some water.”
“I’m tired.”
“You can sleep in here, no need to go back to the other room.”
Franks tucked the blanket around her and waited as she lay with her eyes open. “Don’t try and remember, just rest. We will take it stage by stage, year by year, until all the pieces are back in place. You have a lot to catch up on, your mama—”
“She wasn’t my real mama, I know that.”
He smiled at her. “I think you will repossess your past, I sincerely believe it, and there will be no more rages, no more violence…You locked Ruda away, but she wouldn’t lie quiet. Now you will be able to give her peace.”
“Peace,” she repeated. Her eyes closed. Franks let himself out, quietly. He asked Maja to remain close by and look after Vebekka.
Maja went to her office exactly opposite the study. She was just about to sit down when Helen called out to her.
“Do you have some aspirin? Baron Marechal is feeling ill.”
Maja went into the medicine cabinet, took out a bottle of aspirin, and got a glass of water.
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The baron was very pale. He thanked her profusely. She smiled kindly and said it must have been a very difficult afternoon for him. She had been gone from her desk no more than five or ten minutes. When she sat down she saw that her purse was missing. She looked around her office, then in the reception area. She was sure she had left her purse by her desk, but went in the vie/, room just in case. It wasn’t there. As she looked through the glass into the study she realized with a shock that Vebekka was gone.
Maja ran back to the office. She called Helen, her voice in a panic. “Is she with you’”
Helen came out to the corridor.
“She’s not in the study Helen ran into the reception. “Has the baroness been through here?
The new young nurse looked up and smiled. “Yes. about five minutes ago.”
“Did she leave the building’”
“Yes, yes, she said her taxi was waiting. Is there something wrong?”
Dr. Franks ran into the reception. “Maja has just told me. Is it true? Vebekka has gone, just walked out and nobody stopped her”’”
Helen said that she could not have gone very far. She had no purse, no money on her. Then Maja explained that her purse was missing.
Louis looked up, his head pounding, as Helen walked in.
“We have to look for her. Vebekka just walked out. Nobody knows where she has gone, she’s taken Maja’s purse. We’ll get a taxi and start searching the streets, Dr. Franks will stay here.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Vebekka got out of the cab at the Grand Hotel. She handed Maja’s purse to the driver. “Would you return this to the clinic—but in about an hour—they’ll pay the fare for the delivery, thank you.”
Vebekka walked to the reception desk and asked for her key. She hurried to their suite, locked the door and ran into her bedroom, took out a purse and then rifled through Louis’ bedside table for some cash. She raced to the lobby where she asked the doorman to call her a taxi.
“Magda’s, Mama Magda’s, quickly please, I am in a great hurry.”
She knew they would be looking for her, she had little time before she would be found, but she had to know why the big fat woman had called her Ruda…She knew Ruda was free now, she had released her, and she felt a strange new sensation. The feeling of loss was disappearing because, she was sure, Ruda was alive.
Chapter 18
Luis had let Ruda sleep, sitting by her at first, almost as if guarding her. He kept an eye on the clock; she had already missed the chance to have a pre-show rehearsal. He had explained her absence by saying she had a migraine. Would she be capable of doing the show that evening? Her first spot was eight-forty-five, and he knew that if she did not feel any better, he would have to withdraw the act.
“Luis? What time is it?” She stood in the doorway, her face very pale. She was shaking badly. He rushed to her and helped her sit down. “You’ve missed the rehearsal, sweetheart, but don’t worry…”
“Oh God!”
She let her head droop as he slipped an arm around her shoulders. “They’ve been fed, and after last night’s workout they won’t need a run today. You just rest, I’ve made you a hot chocolate.”
She closed her eyes, leaning on the bench cushions. He held out the steaming mug. She smiled, and pushed it aside with her finger. “You always burn the milk.”
He crouched down in front of her. “What happened?”
She sipped the chocolate, and gave a wan smile. “Ghosts.”
“You want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. He went and sat opposite her. “Will you be fit enough for the show tonight?”
“Try and stop me!”
He chuckled, but he was very concerned; she seemed to have no energy, her body was listless, her eyes heavy.
“Is it about the box? The tin box? I wasn’t prying, I was looking for my old albums. I found it, I know maybe I shouldn’t have opened it, but to be honest I didn’t think you’d find out.”
“You shouldn’t have opened it, but you did, so that is that.” She put the mug down. “I’d better check on the cats.”
“No, I’ve done it, there’s no need, and the boys are there. You just rest, gather all your strength for the show.”
She nodded. He was disconcerted; it was unlike her to agree to anything he ever suggested. He snatched a look at his watch; there was still time. She stared through him, beyond him, her eyes vacant.
“I found you all curled up in the shower, I carried you in my arms like a baby. Bet you haven’t let anybody do that to you for a long time, huh?” He was trying to make light of it, attempting to draw her out.
“Nobody ever held me when I was a baby, Luis, nobody, only…only my…”
He waited but she bowed her head. “Sister?” he interjected. “You said you wanted your sister. I’ve never even heard you talk about a sister before. I mean, were you dreaming?”
Ruda shuddered, and she clasped her arms around herself, staring at the floor, her voice so soft he had to strain to hear her.
“You know when we went to the Grand Hotel, after we’d been to the morgue? Something happened inside me. I had a feeling…so many years, Luis, I’ve tried, tried to find her, but—she was called Rebecca. We were taken in a train, hours and hours on a big dark train. Rebecca slept, but I kept guard over her, I watched out for her, she…she didn’t talk too well, I used to talk for her.”
She leaned back with her eyes closed, remembering the noise of the iron wheels on the rails. She could hear the rat-tat-tat of the wheels and everyone crying, howling, screaming…they were crushed and pushed and trodden on as the big doors were inched back. Had it been days or hours? She lost count, but at last the rat-tat-tat had stopped.
Rebecca was crying because she had messed her panties, done it in her panties, she cried for Mama, but they had no Mama, she was gone, and then they heard the voices, screaming.
“Women to the left, men to the right, women and children to the left, men to the right. Neither of us knew right from left.”
“Any twins…twins over here, twins here, dwarfs, giants…twins…”
Ruda was picked up and thrown into a group of shrieking women. Rebecca fought and shouted to her sister, and the guard had picked Rebecca up by her hair and tossed her across to another group. The screaming went on and on. Pushed and kicked, they were herded toward a long path, at the end of which were gates, big high gates. Fences, with barbed wire as high as the sky, surrounded hundreds and hundreds of huts.
Ruda dodged between legs, squeezed under the weeping women and screeching children. At the gates she caught up with Rebecca, holding a strange woman’s hand. A guard started shouting orders, Ruda tugged at his sleeve.
“My sister, my sister!”
The guard looked from one to the other, then grabbed them and hauled them into the back of a truck, just inside the perimeter of the gates. “Twins…Twins!”
The truck rumbled and swayed over potholes and ditches, a truck filled with children, boys, girls, all shapes and sizes, identical faces clinging in terror to each other.
Luis sat next to her, he wanted to hold her, comfort her, but she kept leaning back with her eyes closed. He heard only part of what she was saying; she lapsed into silences, and then odd words came out, some in Polish, Russian, Czech, and German. She was seeing with her adult’s eyes what she had seen as a tiny child: the carts of skeletons, the strange eerie women with their shaven heads…the screaming women giving birth on a stone slab, and the babies snatched away, the afterbirth still covering their tiny bodies, thrown onto a seething mass of dying babies…the weeping and wailing never ceased, and the cold icy wind never stopped, the snow and ice freezing the memories like crystals.
They clung to each other, slept together, and played together. They had no mother, no father, no brothers, no religion, no surname; all they knew was that they were sisters, Ruda and Rebecca. Protected by being a pair, they fought as one.
In comparison to the other inmates, the twins were fed well. They were given not only clean clothes but toys, and their childish laughter tore into the tortured minds of the rest of the inmates. Men and women clung to the wire meshing that segregated these special children and screamed abuse at them. They hated them because they were playing. Some mothers clung on in desperation to see the faces of their children, and some crept out into the freezing night, and twisted their rags into ropes to hang themselves with.
But the twins who were old enough to understand knew it would only be a short time before the innocent laughter stopped. They knew what was to come. They had seen the twins carried back to their bunks in the dead of night from the hospital. They had seen the tiny, broken bodies lifted from the stretchers, disoriented by the drugs and chemicals that had been pumped into their young veins. Those who knew wept in silence, because they knew that one day it would be their turn.
Gradually even the new inmates, the fresh arrivals, the ones as young as Ruda and Rebecca, began to understand. When the nurse called out the numbers to go to the experiment wing, they trembled in fear.
Papa Mengele had a particular liking for the two tiny girls; he singled them out regularly, to the jealousy of the other children. They had sweets, occasionally even chocolate.
Mengele was fascinated by the way they interacted. Rebecca, slow to talk, began a sentence and Ruda completed it. They often spoke and moved in unison. Their closeness absorbed him, and for many weeks he simply watched them play together.
Ruda reached out and held Luis’s hand, clenching it tightly, as the words and sentences were dragged painfully from her memory. At times her voice was so low he had to bend over to hear her.
“She was always smiling. He even let her play with his precious white gloves; she would sit on his knee and hug and kiss him, and he said she could call him ‘Papa.’ But his eyes, Luis, his eyes were like the Devil’s, and he would stare at me…I was afraid of him, I tried to warn her, I didn’t trust him, and he knew it, too. I was always afraid of him, but Rebecca had no fear, and then, one day, he said he was going to show her something pretty. I tried to stop her, and she slapped me, said to leave her alone, she was going with her papa to see something nice, and she held his hand, and left me…”
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