by Ana Leigh
Her heart seemed to stop when she saw the tall figure walking toward the house with her father.
From the moment she had realized she was in love with Colt Fraser, she’d known that the moment would come when she would have to say good-bye to him. Yet her heart had held out the hope that the dreaded moment would never come—that some divine intervention would keep it from happening. But now that could never be.
Having lain in his arms and known the wonderment of his touch, having basked in the warmth of his eyes and the sound of his laughter, how could she ever hope to find it with any other man? How could she deceive a man as fine as Ted into believing she had found it with him?
The Reverend MacKenzie had often preached the danger of retribution for the sins one commits. Why hadn’t she heeded that warning?
God forgive her, she still wanted to run to Colt, to beg him to take her to California with him, to plea for his help in escaping from this web she had woven for herself.
But what one sows, one reaps, and the time had come to pay the piper.
Her gaze lingered on Colt as he and her father exchanged a few words. Then Colt laughed and patted Jethro on the shoulder before moving on.
Chapter 24
Most of the town’s residents turned out for the return of their favorite son, Colt observed.
McBride appeared to have adjusted very well to functioning without a left arm, and the loss wouldn’t interfere with resuming his teaching career.
Cassie seemed to be merely going through the motions at his side. She didn’t have her usual vibrance as the couple was bombarded with questions about the wedding.
Jethro was certainly right about one thing; neither one of them appeared excited about it.
As Colt perused the crowd, he spied Cathy helping serve the refreshments.
When the reception line finally thinned, Colt went up to Cassie and Ted, and she introduced Colt to her future husband. It was the first time Colt had talked to her since the brief encounter the previous morning, and he could tell she was uncomfortable. Colt welcomed McBride home, then extended his regrets that he’d be leaving town and would miss their wedding.
McBride was polite and thanked Colt for filling in as deputy while Jethro was recovering. Colt had to give the man a high score for tact and diplomacy, but there was a nervous reserve about McBride that Colt sensed immediately. He appeared uncomfortable and avoided eye contact with Colt as much as possible. Was it a self-consciousness due to the loss of his arm, or had Cassie told her future husband about the previous relationship between her and the town deputy? All in all, Colt was glad to move on.
He walked over to where Cathy was pouring coffee and dispensing desserts. “Good afternoon, Miz Cathy. Thought I’d get it straight from the chef’s mouth. Which dessert should I try?”
“I think a growing boy like you should try them all. But knowing how you like apple pie, I recommend the apple pandowdy.”
Even though her tone was cheerful, her eyes were swollen, as if she’d been crying.
“Jethro tells me there’s so much excitement at your house that he’s tempted to bunk in the jail.”
The sound of her giggle was delightful. “Did he really?”
Colt chuckled. “Not really. He did say that he’s coming back to work tomorrow. Do you think he’s well enough?”
“Dr. Williams said he was, and the old darling’s chomping at the bit to get back.” Her face shifted into a soft smile. “But that means we’ll be losing you, Colt.”
“It’s just as well. I’ve enjoyed my stay here, but it’s time to move on. And I bet it’ll be different for you when Cassie gets married.”
Once again, he saw a glint of sadness in her eyes. “Yes, it won’t be the same. I thought I might travel East. I’ve heard so much about cities like St. Louis, Chicago, and New York, and I’ve never seen them. What about you, Colt? Do you intend to remain in California or return to your home in Virginia?”
“I expect to go back home again. There would have to be something extraordinary to keep me from doing so.”
“Or someone,” she said.
He raised the cup he held in acknowledgment. “True. Would someone special keep you from ever returning to Arena Roja?”
“I would like to believe so.” She glanced over to where Cassie and Ted were talking to Dr. Williams. “But I doubt it.”
The three sprouts came up to Colt, and Bowie said, “Is it true you’re leaving on the stage next Thursday?”
“News travels fast.”
“Well, are you?” Sam asked.
“Reckon so, Belle.”
“Boy, you leaving Thursday and Cassie getting married next Saturday—this town won’t be the same.”
“Oh, you’ll still have Jeff to fight with, and Cassie’s just getting married, she’s not leaving town.”
“Well, pretty soon she’ll have a passel of babies and won’t have no time for us.”
“By that time, you might not have any time for her. And that’s the very time she’ll need you the most.”
“Hmmm,” Sam contemplated, “maybe you’re right.”
“Belle, I’m speechless. You mean you actually agree with me?”
“Ain’t agreeing for sure, but I suspect you could be right.”
“I suspect so, too,” Bowie agreed.
Colt glanced down at Petey, who was grinning up at him. “What about you, pal?”
“Yeah, I ’spec so, too.”
Colt winked and walked away. Those kids had really grown on him. How could the people in a town come to mean so much to him in such a short time?
After three failed attempts to slip away, Colt finally decided to stick it out to the end. As he sat at a table with Jethro and Dr. Williams his eyes swept the room, seeking Cassie. He saw her talking with several women.
She appeared more animated now than when she had stood with a forced smile beside McBride greeting well-wishers. He couldn’t keep putting off talking to her, so he excused himself. As he started to walk over to her, his attention was drawn to the open door.
McBride and Cathy were outside, engaged in a conversation. Their expressions were serious, and when McBride swiftly walked away, Cathy dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief.
What had McBride said to bring her to tears? Though it was none of Colt’s business, he hated to see her so unhappy.
McBride joined Cassie and her frozen smile returned, along with another missed opportunity to speak to her. Colt turned to see if he could offer some consolation to Cathy, but she had disappeared.
Some kind of undercurrent was going on here, and he intended to get to the bottom of it. Since Cathy’s motives were the only ones he trusted at this time, he stepped outside to find her.
Cassie had to speak to Colt. She needed to have a long talk with Ted, too. Other than that brief reunion when he’d arrived, they hadn’t been alone. And there were so many questions that remained unanswered: the biggest one being why he had stayed away as long as he had. This man was almost a stranger to her. Whatever he’d endured during the war had created a wall around him, and she didn’t know how to penetrate it.
Perhaps it would have been wiser not to rush into getting married, but she knew the longer she delayed, the greater the temptation to return to Colt’s arms.
When she had finally accepted the belief that Ted wasn’t returning, her betrayal of him had been done in innocence. But Ted had come back to her bearing the scars that the war had wrought on him, and she would never betray that love and trust again, no matter how she felt about Colt.
Cassie glanced longingly at him. How she yearned for Colt’s touch, to feel his arms around her just one more time. Four more days and he’d be gone forever. She would never see him again. Four more days—then maybe she would be able to put that temptation behind her.
She watched Colt go outside, and then, with a deep sigh, she turned to the man who loved and needed her.
Colt saw no sign of Cathy, but Jethro came outside, tired from the
festivities, so Colt walked him home.
On the way, Colt allowed Jethro to convince him to stay for dinner. Colt needed to satisfy his curiosity, and this would be a good way to do so, since Cassie and Ted would arrive soon as well.
By the time they reached the house, Cathy had dinner almost ready, which was clearly why she’d disappeared earlier. The atmosphere around the dinner table wasn’t much better than it had been at the reception other than Jeff, who appeared oblivious to what was going on around him. The positive change in him was as evident as the gloomy one in the rest of them.
But Colt was able to make some observations, and it soon became obvious to him what the problem was. He couldn’t believe no one else had realized it.
When McBride went outside to smoke a cigar, Colt followed him.
“I have the impression you don’t like me, Mr. Fraser,” McBride said.
The last thing Colt had expected was for McBride to go on the offensive. “What gave you that idea?”
“You’ve been scowling at me all through dinner. Have I offended you in some way?”
“That’s nonsense; I barely know you.”
“I realize I’m not very good company. I haven’t been for a long time.”
“For God’s sake, McBride, don’t apologize for being alive.”
“I suppose the loss of my arm has contributed to making me bitter.”
“Is that what it is, or is it guilt?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your real reason for staying away all this time. I don’t mean to denigrate the tragedy of losing your arm, McBride, but many men return from war missing limbs, and I don’t believe that’s what kept you away. But I have been watching you—and Cathy. When did you realize you were engaged to the wrong woman? That you were in love with Cathy?”
McBride started to deny the accusation, then paused and said softly, “I stayed away because I couldn’t bear to hurt Cassie.”
“And you think marrying her, when you’re in love with her sister, isn’t going to hurt her when she finds out the truth?”
Ted flared angrily, “She won’t find out if you don’t tell her.”
“So you’re going to martyr yourself and marry the devoted little fool you think loves you because you can’t bear to hurt her? Bullshit! What about Cathy, the woman who truly loves you? The woman you really love? Can you bear to hurt her?”
“For God’s sake, Fraser, why do you think I stayed away? When I realized it was Cathy I loved, I made up my mind not to come back to Arena Roja.”
“Have you told Cathy this?”
“Of course not. I love them both and didn’t want to hurt either of them. I thought if I stayed away long enough, Cathy would be married by now, and I hoped that Cassie would be, too.”
“Then why did you come back?”
“Because I was too weak to stay away. Have you ever tried to stay away from the woman you love? I had to know.”
“That’s the only intelligent thing you’ve said. So face it like a man now, and tell Cassie the truth.”
“And break her heart.”
“You aren’t going to break her heart. You’re going to relieve her of her burden of guilt.”
“Guilt?”
“She’s not in love with you, McBride. I doubt if she ever was. There’s a big difference between love and hero worship. She was infatuated with her schoolteacher, but she’s had five years to grow out of it. She’s no longer that dewy-eyed girl you said goodbye to. She’s a woman now and deserves a damn sight better than marriage to a man who’s in love with her sister.”
“If that’s true, then she should be the one to admit she doesn’t love me,” Ted said.
Colt looked at him in disgust. “Are you so wrapped up in your own self-pity that you can’t figure it out? After five years, you’ve finally come home from the war with a serious injury. Believing you love her, Cassie’s too tenderhearted to tell you the truth. If she suspected for a moment that she was standing in the way of your and Cathy’s happiness, she wouldn’t hesitate to tell you.”
“So you’re implying that if I’d come home uninjured, she would have told me her true feelings at once?”
“You’re damn right. You have no idea of her depth of character, do you, McBride? Even if she’d still been in love with you, she would have stepped aside if you were truthful about you and Cathy.”
“Why should this matter to you, Fraser? You said yourself that you’ll be leaving town in a few days.”
“You’re right. I really don’t have a dog in this hunt. Matter of fact, my stomach can’t take any more of this Greek tragedy.”
Colt spun on his heel and departed.
Later that night, unable to sleep, Ted paced the floor and finally went outside in fear of disturbing the household. Since his talk with Fraser, he had thought deeply about what the deputy had said about Cassie not loving him. If it was true, there was no purpose in marrying her; it would only make both of them miserable. The situation was hopeless. The best thing he could do was leave Arena Roja once and for all. Perhaps then they could all get on with their lives. As hard as it would be, he would tell them tomorrow that he was leaving.
He turned to go back into the house and discovered Cathy standing in the doorway.
“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”
“No, I couldn’t sleep.” She stepped outside.
“I couldn’t either,” Ted replied.
“We all seem to be a little on edge. I guess none of us will relax until after the wedding.”
“About the wedding—I had a rather unusual talk with Deputy Fraser earlier.”
“Is that what’s disturbing you?”
“Yes. You know, plans often don’t work out like people hoped they would. I think Fraser was right; I should have been honest with Cassie when I returned.”
“Honest about what?” Cathy asked.
“About my feelings for her. I love her dearly and she’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but I’m not in love with her, Cathy. I realized that during the war. And that’s what kept me away—not the loss of my arm.”
Cathy paled. “Are you in love with somebody else?”
“Very much so,” he said softly.
“Then why didn’t you tell Cassie? Why let her continue to plan a wedding?”
“I didn’t want to hurt her. I thought I could go through with it, but I can’t.”
“How can you do this to her? She loves you.”
“If I’m to believe Fraser, she doesn’t.”
“I don’t believe it. She and I never keep secrets from each other.”
“Why would he lie?”
“I don’t think he would, but perhaps he misinterpreted something she might have said. Maybe she was momentarily attracted to him—he’s charming and handsome, and she had waited five years for you. Naturally she was flattered by Colt’s attention, but you’re the man she’s always loved.”
“A schoolgirl crush, Cathy. You can’t build a marriage on that. I’m telling her tomorrow, and then I intend to leave.”
“Why? Arena Roja is your home. Your work is here and the children need a teacher like you.”
“Can’t you guess, Cathy? I couldn’t remain here knowing I could never have the woman I really love.”
“Why not? Isn’t she willing to come here and live?”
He sighed deeply. “Cathy, my dear, beloved Cathy. Don’t you realize you’re that woman? I love you, Cathy. I’ve loved you for years.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “I don’t understand. Then why did you tell Cassie…Why did you promise to marry her?”
“I was blinded by her vivaciousness, by the boundless energy that makes everything around her seem more exciting. It wasn’t until I went away that I realized I wasn’t in love with her—that it was the affection a teacher feels for a prized student, a personal pride in her accomplishments.
“That’s why I was never shocked by her prancing around in boy’s trousers and her daring reck
lessness. Underneath all that bravado, I saw the mind of the girl, the student every educator dreams of encountering. Her thirst for knowledge opened to everything I fed it like a sponge, as if it were water.”
His voice lowered in remorse as he dredged the words from the depths of his conscience.
“As her teacher, I thrived on that energy. I misled myself—and her—into believing I was in love with her, when it was the student I actually loved, not the woman.”
Ted gently cupped Cathy’s chin in his hand. Her eyes were misting as she looked into his.
“But in war, a man has time to think, Cathy. In war, the face he envisions in his daydreams is that of the woman he loves. That face was always yours, beloved. The warm smile in my darkest hours and the soft voice soothing my worst moments were always yours. The gentle hand soothing my fevered brow was yours. Never Cassie’s.”
He smiled tenderly at her. “Gentle, sweet Cathy. You’d always been there standing in Cassie’s shadow, and I never recognized it. I love you.”
Tears streaked her cheeks. “And I love you, Ted. I’ve always loved you. I used to watch you and Cassie together, and wish it were I. I lived with the guilt of coveting the man my sister loved.”
He pulled her to his chest. “Oh, my darling, if only you had told me. I might have realized the truth about myself sooner.”
She stepped back. “But now it’s too late, Ted. I would never do anything to hurt Cassie.”
“What if Fraser is right, Cathy? What if Cassie doesn’t love me? If she’s perpetuating a myth out of loyalty and sympathy? Should we deny our love for one another to sustain that pretense? Darling, listen to me. We can leave here. Start a new life somewhere else.”
“No, I’d never betray Cassie like that, no matter how much I love you. Don’t you see? We’d both be plagued with guilt. We can’t buy our happiness at the expense of hurting the people we love.”
“And what of our love? Doesn’t that matter?”
“It appears we’ve both learned to live with that heartache.”