by Shelly Bell
A warm and sunny day, we met at a bistro that had outside seating. It provided the perfect ambiance for what we needed to discuss.
“Did I miss anything after we left the wedding?” I sipped on my ice tea and fumbled in my purse for my sunglasses. I hadn’t worn them for eight months and they needed to be cleaned, but regardless, I put on my Ray Bans and tipped my face to the sun.
“You missed Jill bitching at Jacob because he got cake on her gown.” We both laughed over Jill’s high maintenance antics.
“How did it go with Caleb last night when you got home?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I couldn’t make this decision by myself. I needed her help.
“He’s a great guy. He’s intelligent, handsome, and caring. He’ll make a great husband and father one day.”
“But?”
“But I’m not overwhelmingly attracted to him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love kissing him. I have a hard time getting into it when he’s touching me. I realized last night it’s not him. It’s me. There’s something wrong with me.” I took a deep breath and settled back into my chair waiting for her to fix everything for me.
Missy frowned and didn’t say a word.
Perhaps she needed me to prompt her for an answer. “What do you think I should do?”
“You want the honest truth?”
“Of course.” Did she think I wanted her to lie to me? Is that what she normally did?
“I think Caleb isn’t right for you.”
Was this a conspiracy? Had she been talking to Goldman?
“Why?”
“Hey, you wanted honesty,” she scolded.
I nodded in acquiescence and commanded myself to calm down.
“Did you ever wonder why you can’t find the right guy?”
Now that seemed like a silly question. Of course I did! If I engaged in self-introspection I blamed it on my weight, my career, my age, my hair, and my religion. Usually, I preferred to lay the blame on societal standards and men in general.
“Yes, I have considered the question a time or two. Why? Do you have the answer I’ve been searching for?”
“Did you ever think maybe you’re not attracted to men because you’re really ...?”
Oh God. Was she about to say what I think she’s going to say? No, please, no.
“... a lesbian?”
She must have been harboring this fantasy of my being a lesbian for a while now. I didn’t want to break her heart. Normally, I’d go to Missy for advice when faced with this type of situation. How did I talk about this without hurting her feelings?
“Missy, I’m not a lesbian. If I were, you would be the first person I’d tell. You’d be perfect for me if you had a penis, but you don’t. I’m sorry.”
Missy started to blink as she forced back the tears that had formed at my vehement denial. “Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault I’m delusional.”
“You’re not delusional.”
“Oh no? Then why did I think someday you’d wake up and realize you and I are meant to be together?” She no longer held back the tears as she began to cry. I’ve never made her cry in all the years we’ve been friends. Sure we’d had disagreements, but we’ve never had a true fight where one of us cried or hung up the phone on the other. We’ve been best friends for almost twenty-five years!
“Missy, I have a question, but I don’t want you to get mad at me.” I paused and when she didn’t refuse, I continued. “What happened between you and Lori in college?”
Missy choked back a sob sounding like someone had punched her in the gut. I guess that someone was me.
“What do you mean?” She inspected her nails, refusing to meet my eyes.
“When we saw her at the movies, I got the feeling you knew more about why she stopped hanging out with us. I didn’t want to make you tell me, but I expected you’d tell me on your own. Now I need to know. What happened between you and Lori?”
I assumed I knew the answer. I expected her to explain they had been secret lovers and when they broke up, Lori could no longer handle being around Missy.
“Lori kissed me one night at a party. She told me she wanted to come out of the closet as a bisexual and date me. I refused.”
“You weren’t attracted to her and she couldn’t handle it.”
She shook her head. “No. When she kissed me, I was plenty attracted to her. I wouldn’t go any further because of you.”
“Why because of me?”
“Because I was waiting for you to realize you were in love with me like I’m in love with you.”
I couldn’t breathe. No way could Missy be in love with me. She must be confused. I started to hyperventilate, but concentrated on taking deep controlled breaths, so I wouldn’t faint. Caleb wasn’t here to catch me this time.
I put on my therapist hat. It was the only way to disassociate myself from this mess.
“Missy, maybe you’ve been using me as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt.”
Yes, that sounded like a logical explanation.
“Hurt from what, Dr. Friedman? Obviously it didn’t work because I’m feeling pretty hurt right now.” Oops, of course she caught on I had switched to psychologist mode.
“Maybe you’re scared of getting into a real relationship with someone. You know you already trust me, because we’ve been friends for so long. It’s much harder to trust someone new. That’s why you’ve never had a relationship with a lover for more than a couple of months.”
“You know what I think? I think you’re making this up so you don’t have to feel guilty. I think you’ve enjoyed having me in love with you all these years. I didn’t come right out and say it, but you knew. You loved how I ran over whenever you called. I’d drop everything to be with you.”
“I never asked you to do any of that for me and you know it,” I argued, now crying. How could Missy say I used her?
“You can’t make a single decision without asking my opinion first! You’re as dependent on me as I am on you!”
She no longer had any composure left. She stood yelling at me, while the patrons of the bistro watched the scene unfold before their eyes.
“I don’t need you! I’ll do fine without you! But let’s see how well you get on without me in your life!”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I don’t think we should be friends anymore.” She bent to grab her purse, then took a five dollar bill out of her wallet and placed the money on the table.
Then, my best friend in the world walked away from me, never once looking back.
CHAPTER 21
JUNE 1, 2012
EDISON, NEW JERSEY
WEIGHT: 183
STATUS: COMMITTED
As the days passed without hearing from Missy, I began to lose hope we’d find a way to get over this. I tried not to think too much about our fight, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried, something always reminded me. A lifetime movie of the week. A Hallmark commercial. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And my client, Dina.
Dina came to our session prepared with her journal, a notebook with Zach Efron on its cover. Missy loves to make fun of Zach Efron, and I love to listen to her make fun of Zach Efron.
I reviewed her journal, hoping for some epiphany as to why Dina couldn’t get over her friend Christine’s betrayal. The journal didn’t give me any new information. In fact, instead of using it to write her thoughts and feelings, she chose to use it as a way to track her food intake, exercise, and weight. Not what I had been expecting at all. I told her that I expected something more for next session and listened yet again to her complain about Christine.
I kept my argument with Missy to myself, not sharing our fallout with Caleb. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. As my boyfriend, he should be the person I went to for comfort, the person to help me figure out what I have to do to make things right between us. It’s just every time I tried to broach the subject of Missy, I chickened out.
&nb
sp; Also, I’m not sure if Caleb would even care about our fight. Not that he was insensitive. He never officially stated he disapproved of homosexuals, but he always remained standoffish with Missy. Whether that was due to her sexual orientation or just her in general, I wasn’t sure. I also didn’t want to find out my potential husband and my best friend didn’t like each other. I guess right now that would be irrelevant since Missy wasn’t speaking to me.
The week actually flew by and before I knew it, Caleb and I were on our way to New Jersey to have dinner with his parents. Other women might be nervous to meet the potential in-laws, but parents always loved me. In fact, sometimes the parents liked me more than my boyfriend did.
We had a short flight from Detroit to Newark. I had warned Caleb of my fear of flying, but I don’t think he actually believed me until I almost broke his hand on takeoff. He grabbed his hand back, told me it would be okay, and fell asleep while I gripped the armrest. When the plane leveled out at thirty-five thousand feet, I relaxed and read my book until landing, when I started hyperventilating again. Caleb stayed asleep until we got to the gate.
Then we rented a car and drove to what Caleb described as the very best pizza joint in the country.
We stepped into the restaurant and a lovely woman dressed all in pink with blond hair worn in a perfect bob pulled Caleb into a hug, squealing with delight. Then she hugged me as if she had known me my entire life. His father stood quietly next to his wife smiling and allowing his wife to convey the excitement for the both of them. He dressed in light blue pants and a white button down shirt and had a head of gray hair I would wager never fell out of place. The two of them were simply the perfect-looking parental unit and the exact opposite of my dark and disheveled parents.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston. Caleb’s told me a lot about you.” Actually, I knew very little about them, but parents love to hear their child talks about them.
“Please, call us Carol and Paul. Caleb has told us a lot about you too,” she gushed.
When the waitress served the food, I picked up my slice ready to eat. Caleb shook his head before he and his parents bowed their head. Carol thanked God for the food in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I can identify the Father and Son, but who is the Holy Ghost? I’d have to ask Caleb about it later.
I have nothing against praying before eating. In fact, I had to do it at summer camp and other Jewish events with food. I’ve just never done it in a restaurant or prayed to Jesus Christ.
We sat at the table enjoying New York style pizza, salad, and red wine, talking with ease as if we had really known each other forever. As much as Caleb raved about New York style pizza, I expected it to taste a lot better than it did. Not that it was bad, mind you, but I liked Michigan pizza just as much. Most people don’t realize it but Little Caesars, Domino’s, Jet’s, and Hungry Howie’s all started in Michigan. The natives of New York and New Jersey may prefer their pizza, but clearly the rest of the country likes the way we Michiganders make it.
Carol informed me I’d meet the rest of the family, which lived in New Jersey, at a barbecue they were throwing at their home tomorrow afternoon. Caleb did not look surprised to hear this news, but I sure was. He hadn’t mentioned a thing about it to me.
“Tomorrow you’ll meet Caleb’s sister, Crystal, and her husband, Tony. They have three children, and she’s pregnant with her fourth, bless her heart. Then, you’ll meet my sister, Nancy, and her husband, Chris. Their kids live out of state, but of course, you’ll meet them at Christmas. And then ...” I didn’t hear another word after 'Christmas'.
It’s one thing to think you may be getting engaged soon. It’s another to get confirmation from your soon—to-be fiancé’s mother. She just assumed I’ll be with them at Christmas. The notion both excited and scared me. After all, I haven’t been dating him for that long and we do have some small issues to work out. I’ve never celebrated Christmas before. How would we deal with the differences in our religion? I put it on my list to discuss with Caleb at some point.
After sitting for a couple hours talking, Caleb stated we should check into our hotel. As much as I enjoyed talking with his parents, I was glad we weren’t staying at their house. I needed some privacy and alone time with Caleb.
We checked into our hotel room and got ready for bed. Honestly, after traveling and the wine, all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I had no inclination to have sex that night. Unfortunately, Caleb had other ideas.
I quickly faked an orgasm, so we could get some sleep. I needed all I could get before meeting the rest of his family tomorrow.
At eight in the morning, Caleb woke me with the temptation of coffee under my nose.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said, kissing me on the forehead. I got you some coffee from downstairs. It’s not a café latte, but I promise it has caffeine,” he teased.
“What time is it?” I asked, still exhausted.
“It’s after eight already.”
“Why are you up so early?” I rolled over and put the pillow over my head, groaning in discontentment.
“I’ve been up since six. While you’ve been sleeping, I worked out in the hotel gym, taken a shower, and gotten us coffee.”
“You’re insane. It’s Saturday. We can sleep in.” I hated to get up before ten in the morning on the weekends.
“They say you should stay on the same schedule during the weekend as you do during the weekdays. I always get up at six,” he informed me.
“You didn’t get up at six when you slept over at my place,” I reminded him.
“I did. I just didn’t get out of bed.” Then he admitted, “I watched you sleep. You’re adorable when you’re asleep.”
“I hope you think I’m adorable when I’m awake, too,” I joked.
His eyes sparkled, and I noticed the erection in his pants, proving to me he found me extremely adorable. First, I had to wake up early and now I had to have sex again. Oh well, practice makes perfect, right?
“Why don’t you take a shower and brush your teeth?”
“Do you want to join me in the shower?”
“No, I already took one, but I’ll be waiting for you to come out.”
Even though I couldn’t get the shower hot enough, I took my time, not eager to return to the bedroom. I shampooed my hair twice and conditioned it, then scrubbed my body from head to toe.
Then, deciding it might be my only alone time for the day, I lay down in the shower and gave myself an orgasm. Now I was ready for Caleb.
Apparently I had taken too much time in the bathroom, because when I came out, Caleb sat in a chair in the corner reading the newspaper completely dressed.
“I just talked to my parents. They said everyone will be over at eleven. We should get to their house around ten to get ready.”
“Get ready?”
“You know, so you and my mom can decorate and get all the food ready for my dad to grill.” He stated it so matter-of-factly, I wondered if I had forgotten he hadn’t told me I had responsibilities at the barbecue. If my parents threw a barbecue for Caleb and me, we wouldn’t be expected to lift a finger unless we volunteered.
“What are you going to do while I’m slaving away in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant?” I asked sarcastically. “I’m going to help my Dad set up the grill.”
Yeah, because that takes two people.
I concluded I wouldn’t mind helping his mother and didn’t say anything to Caleb.
As it turned out, his mother spent most of the time showing off her photo albums, specifically pointing out pictures of Caleb as a baby.
“He was such a wonderful baby. He never cried, and he slept through the night starting at two weeks old. Of course, back in those days we put cereal in the bottle, which I’m sure you know is the secret to getting a baby to sleep for long periods of time.” Actually, I knew practically nothing about babies. I’d have to take her word for it.
Caleb had been an adorable baby with big rou
nd blue eyes and rolls of pudgy baby fat. It was difficult to equate that baby as the lean man Caleb was today.
Until I turned five, my mom had to force me to eat. I had such a small appetite my mom swears my brother and I used to share one hot dog and I still didn’t finish mine. I don’t know what changed, but after I started kindergarten, I began to gain weight, my tummy sticking out in every one of my pictures. Soon, I began to eat two hot dogs for dinner and I never felt full. I thought about food constantly throughout the day, always asking when we would eat. Sweets and bread were my favorite and I’d often hide food in my room.
My mom put me on my first diet at eight years old. I remember losing twelve pounds even though I ate such things as a Taco Bell taco salad. Too bad I don’t have that kind of metabolism now.
Hopefully, if Caleb and I have children, they’ll take after him. Chubby babies that turn into athletic, lean adults.
“What did I miss?” asked the female version of Caleb.
Caleb’s sister who appeared to be about twelve months pregnant waddled into the kitchen wearing a child on her back in something that looked like a backpack with holes for feet. Hmm, I didn’t know kids were in fashion.
“Gamma!” the little boy wailed, holding his arms out to Carol.
“Larry!” Who names their kid Larry these days?
“Thanks, Mom,” Caleb’s sister Crystal said, obviously relieved of having to carry an additional twenty pounds on her already overtaxed pregnant body.
Crystal took off the contraption and groaned in satisfaction.
“Hi, you must be Sara. I’m Crystal, Caleb’s sister. It’s so nice to meet you!” She threw her arms out and tried to hug me, but the basketball under her shirt kept her from being able to completely fulfill the embrace.
I laughed in sympathy and hugged the side of her, patting her back at the same time. “It’s really nice to meet you, too! Why don’t you have a seat? Can I get you something to drink?”