Laura and Hal might be able to forgive him for that—at least he hoped they could!—but he doubted if they were going to be quite so understanding when he admitted to being Holly’s father! He wasn’t quite sure he forgave himself for that, knowing it had endangered Leonie.
‘Hal’s getting the first plane here,’ Laura told him glowingly. ‘He should arrive some time tomorrow.’
Time enough then for him to admit to being Holly’s father. He might as well make his confession a sweeping one!
‘Laura,’ he began slowly, ‘what’s wrong with Leonie?’ He studied her with narrowed eyes.
‘I told you she’s been ill—’
‘It’s more than that,’ he interrupted harshly. Steady, he cautioned himself impatiently, you’re letting your emotions take over again! ‘She doesn’t seem as—attached to the baby as she could be.’ Again he watched Laura closely for her reaction, this time noticing a shadowing of her eyes. Something was wrong.
‘She cares for Holly very much—’
‘But?’ he prompted impatiently.
Laura gave a pained frown. ‘There’s a barrier there,’ she admitted. ‘As if she daren’t care. I suppose it’s only natural after last time, but—’
‘Last time?’ Hawk echoed sharply, his heart beating an erratic tattoo against his chest.
‘Mr Sinclair, I really don’t think—’
‘Hawk, damn it,’ he rasped. ‘And I want to know why your sister daren’t let herself love her own baby!’
Laura glared at him. ‘Because her son died only hours after he was born!’
He couldn’t have felt the blow any more if someone had taken a fist and slammed it into his stomach. Leonie had had a son?
‘Michael didn’t want the child,’ Laura continued with a hard glitter in her eyes for the man who had caused her sister so much unhappiness. ‘He refused to accept the doctor’s advice that Leonie should be treated with extreme caution during her pregnancy, continuing to exercise his conjugal rights, as he put it,’ she said harshly. ‘Leonie went into labour too early again, even earlier than she did with Holly. They did everything they could to save little Daniel, but he died three hours after he was born. Leonie never left his side.’
Hawk felt the prick of tears behind his lids. Leonie—oh God, his poor Leonie! She had suffered so much for one so young.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ he said gruffly. ‘I had no idea.’
Laura shook her head, sighing deeply. ‘Why should you have? But I’m sure Leonie does love Holly, she’s just afraid that she’ll be taken from her too.’
By him. Leonie had known that he would one day come back into their lives, her faith in Laura’s and Hal’s love for each other was complete, and she had also known that he would recognise Holly as his daughter. And after her experience with Spencer she was prepared to give Holly up rather than marry again.
Then he wouldn’t demand marriage of her. Not yet anyway. And he wouldn’t take Holly away from her either. Holly was perhaps the only one who could break through the barriers Leonie had built about her heart. He accepted that Leonie wouldn’t allow herself to love Holly because of the son she had already lost. But finally, eventually, Holly would break through all those barriers, and when she did he intended going through them with her, both of them nestling in Leonie’s heart, where they belonged.
Marriage had been the last thing on his mind when he arrived here earlier today, just knowing, once the problem of Hal’s and Laura’s future together was out of the way, that he wanted to spend time with Leonie, make love with her again, as often as she would let him, until this obsession he had for her had burnt itself out. One look at her as she lay so still and fragile on that lounger and he had realised he wanted much more than that!
He had come here to claim Leonie, now he found she wouldn’t be claimed—for any price. She had his daughter, but he refused to take Holly from her. Which only left him with one course open, as far as he could see.
‘Laura, would you mind if I moved in here for a few days?’ he requested bluntly.
His father had always told him that if you asked a question you had to expect a negative answer as well as a positive one; at that moment he had the feeling Laura would very much like to turn him down!
‘Of course,’ she accepted stiffly. ‘I’m sure you and Hal will have a—lot of catching up to do.’ She gave a tremulous smile.
She thought he was staying on to spend time with Hal! His son had wished him many places in the last nine months, and none of them had been in the same residence as himself!
‘I have no intention of intruding on you and Hal,’ he drawled. ‘I’d just—welcome the break here.’ Tomorrow was soon enough for this young woman to learn why it had to be here. Also for her to realise, when he brought Jake and Sarah down to join him, that this would have to be a working vacation!
‘Of course,’ Laura’s smile brightened. ‘It is very restful here. I’ll just go and ask June to make up a room for you.’
He was going to want more than a room. He intended moving into this house, and Leonie’s life, completely, taking over, if necessary!
* * *
Leonie had come to love—and dread!—this time of night.
The house was all quiet; Laura and June were asleep in their rooms, the cats likewise in the room downstairs that they occupied at night, even the birds that sang outside so merrily in the daytime were silenced by the darkness.
The only sound was the sucking enjoyment of Holly’s lips against the bottle her rosebud mouth pulled on so avidly.
When she had first come home from the hospital with the baby Leonie hadn’t been strong enough to wake for these night-time feeds, but already Holly was down to one bottle between ten o’clock at night and eight o’clock the next morning, and so she had taken over from Laura a week ago, allowing her sister her much-needed rest.
Three o’clock in the morning was a strange time to be awake, she had discovered; all her defences were down. Not the perfect time to be holding this sweet-smelling bundle. Holly’s hair was golden in the soft lamplight, her skin taking on a peachy tone. One of the tiny hands clutched at Leonie’s finger, the other moving spasmodically against her own chest as she drew sustenance from the bottle.
Leonie hadn’t deliberately planned not to feed Holly herself; she had just been too ill to do so at first, and by the time she was strong enough her milk had all but disappeared. Now she thanked God she had been too ill to feed Holly herself. She was sure the pain of giving her up would be all the stronger if she had established such a bond.
As it was, her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces of crystal at the thought of saying goodbye to her daughter. But she had already said goodbye to so much that mattered in her life, so much she loved, that she knew it was better to give up that love before it destroyed you. And she had no doubt that Hawk would love Holly, that she would know the same caring and protection from her father that Hal had always had. It wasn’t even as if she would never see Holly again, she told herself at times like this. Hawk would be a part of her family once Laura and Hal were married.
She should have known Hawk would offer marriage. He might live in a different world from her, a world where sex—and anything else he desired—was readily available to him, but even so he had developed a moral code of his own, a code that said he couldn’t give a woman his child without marrying her.
He had been stunned when she offered to give Holly up, she had seen that clearly. But she had known from the first, during the difficult months of her pregnancy, the trauma of Holly’s birth, the month of physical weakness since, that she was only caring for Holly until her father came to claim her. Of course she loved Holly, but in a distant way that allowed all women to care for a tiny defenceless human being. To allow herself to feel any more than that would be to open herself up to all sorts of pain, like the pain she had known from Holly’s father when she realised that night that she did want him, that she could more than love him if he were
patient with her. Men like Hawk didn’t want a woman’s love.
It was only during these night-time hours, with Holly snuggled so trustingly against her, that her defences crumbled a little.
‘I thought I heard her cry a little while ago.’
Leonie’s head snapped back as she looked up at Hawk with wary eyes. Laura had told her of his request to stay on at the house, and the way he looked he had obviously just left his own bed, his hair tousled over his brow, grey eyes lacking some of their usual alertness, a knee-length robe he had borrowed from Laura—and which would have been ankle-length on her!—covering his nakedness.
‘I’m sorry if we woke you,’ she bit out abruptly.
‘I’m not.’ He closed the door behind him, part of the intimacy of the room now. ‘It’s a long time since I watched a woman feeding my child at her breast,’ he added softly.
Leonie’s mouth twisted at his effort to disconcert her. ‘I’m only giving her a bottle, Hawk,’ she drawled. ‘Even you could do it!’
He crossed the room to stand looking down at her with darkened eyes, reaching out a hand to gently touch Holly’s downy temple.
‘Shall I help you?’
She turned away. ‘If you doubt my ability to care for Holly—’
‘I don’t,’ he reproved lightly. ‘I don’t want to help in that way. Come with me,’ he invited huskily, pulling her gently to her feet so that the movement wouldn’t disturb Holly as she remained rapt on her bottle.
‘What are you doing?’ Leonie asked as Hawk took her through to her bedroom next door.
‘Trust me,’ he encouraged softly as he deftly removed her robe and threw it across the foot of the bed.
‘Trust you? But—Hawk—’
‘Relax,’ he soothed, placing the pillows up against the headboard of her bed before propping her back against them. ‘Now we can get comfortable.’
With Holly held firmly in her right arm she was completely defenceless as Hawk manoeuvred himself, lying across her body, resting the baby’s padded bottom against his chest.
It was the oddest, most intimate sensation she had ever experienced. Hawk wasn’t trying to arouse her, he was intent only on holding her, while their child fed.
But the intimacy was so much more than that, binding not just her and Holly but the three of them. And there lay danger.
She shifted uncomfortably. ‘Hawk, that’s enough—’
He released her slowly, looking up at her between sensually narrowed lids. He seemed to know a great deal about caring for a baby. Because he had been through all this with his wife!
No doubt he and his wife had shared every detail of Hal’s life; Hawk was the sort of man who would want to know everything about his child and the way it was being brought up. No doubt he had shared moments just like these with his wife!
‘Holly has fallen asleep,’ she told him harshly, her sharp movement dislodging him. ‘I’m sure you and your wife enjoyed these little games,’ she scorned, ‘but I find it distasteful!’ She tried to move, but his weight held her down.
He looked up at her consideringly. ‘Would you like to hear about my life with Amy?’
Hear how he had been one of the lucky ones, how for six years he and Amy had lived in heaven! ‘I’m not interested,’ she muttered, pulling the folds of her nightgown together as a compromise to getting up completely as his weight across her prevented her doing. ‘Holly has to go back into her cot.’
Hawk straightened, looking down at his daughter with softened eyes. ‘Let me.’ He gently lifted the baby into his arms, holding his daughter to gaze down at her. ‘She’s beautiful, Leonie,’ he breathed softly.
She didn’t even glance at the baby. ‘Perhaps you’d like to take her back to her room on your way to your own?’
‘Look at us, Leonie.’
She gave a startled jump at the harshness of Hawk’s voice, but did as he instructed, paling slightly as she saw how small Holly looked in his arms, so small and beautiful. A part of him.
‘I sat in her room just watching her most of the evening,’ he began to talk softly. ‘I wanted to hold her so much, ached with wanting to hold her when Laura fed her at ten o’clock—’
‘Did you tell her?’ she sighed, knowing—and accepting—how shocked her sister was going to be when she learnt the truth of Holly’s conception. She had allowed Laura to go on believing Michael was Holly’s father because she just hadn’t known how to tell her the truth, and couldn’t begin to guess how her sister and Hal were going to react to the news that Hawk was the father!
‘Once Hal has arrived I’ll tell them both,’ Hawk bit out. ‘Their reaction to the news is up to the two of them. I’m proud to have Holly as my daughter, and I’m not going to apologise for her birth. To anyone,’ he added firmly.
Not even to her, she read the unspoken message.
‘I apologise for hurting you,’ he continued gruffly. ‘But not for creating this beautiful baby I’m holding in my arms for the first time. Oh yes, Leonie, I waited,’ he confirmed at her stunned look. ‘I wanted us to be together when I held our daughter for the first time, so that you could see how right we all look together.’
She recoiled from the tentacles of closeness he persisted in trying to wrap about her. ‘I’ve told you to take Holly with you when you go,’ she snapped.
‘When we leave here—if we leave here; this seems a pretty good place to bring up a child,’ he shrugged. ‘Then we’ll all go together, all three of us,’ he added firmly.
‘No—’
‘We’re your family now, Leonie,’ he told her determinedly. ‘Holly and I.’
She swallowed hard. ‘Once Laura is married to Hal I won’t have a family,’ she stated flatly. ‘There’ll just be the cats and me.’
His mouth twisted. ‘I finally figured out this attraction you have for cats,’ he rasped.
Her head went back in challenge. ‘Oh yes?’ she scorned.
‘They don’t demand anything from you, not love or attention. They need food, somewhere dry and warm to sleep, but ultimately they’re independent creatures, needing no one but themselves.’ He shook his head. ‘No matter how hard you try, Leonie, you can’t be like them. I’m going to make sure you never are!’ he added grimly.
She couldn’t seem to stop trembling once he had gone to take Holly back to her room.
CHAPTER FOUR
HAWK HADN’T meant to push so hard that Leonie kept to her bedroom the next day.
He had heard the baby cry in the night, and had known Leonie wouldn’t welcome his presence when he heard her talking softly to the baby in the nursery. But in the end the temptation to be with them both had been too much.
She had looked like a Madonna as she sat with Holly in the nursery-chair. She had never been more beautiful to him, her hair a red cloud about her shoulders, green eyes almost luminous in the lamp’s glow, a small dusting of freckles across her nose and the paleness of her cheeks. The neckline of her nightgown gaped open slightly, and he could see the tender curve of her breasts, breasts that had no doubt ached to feed her child and she had been too ill to do anything about it. His wife had claimed that feeding Hal herself was the most satisfying experience she had ever known. And even though Leonie held herself distanced from Holly he didn’t doubt, especially after she had lost her son so tragically, that she would have fed the baby herself too if she had been able.
‘What are we doing here, Hawk?’ sighed Jake, interrupting his thoughts.
His assistant and secretary had arrived shortly after lunch, and if Sarah thought there was anything strange about the three of them moving down here she gave no sign, but was her usual efficient self in organising the study Laura had told them they could take over as she and Leonie weren’t using it at the moment. He should have known Jake wouldn’t be so easily satisfied.
Hawk shrugged. ‘My son is getting married, why shouldn’t I want to spend time at his fiancée’s home?’ he evaded with an arrogant lift of his brows.
�
��His fiancée’s home?’ Jake echoed softly. ‘I know we haven’t seen her yet, but doesn’t Mrs Leonie Spencer live here too?’
‘Drop it, Jake,’ scowled Hawk. ‘She’s been ill—she’s vulnerable.’
Blond brows rose. ‘She must be special.’
‘Not that it’s any of your business,’ he rasped. ‘But yes, she is.’
‘You haven’t seen her for months,’ the other man derided. ‘And I’m damn sure you weren’t thinking of her last month when Maggie Soames propositioned you—What the hell—?’ He frowned his surprise as Hawk grabbed hold of him by his shirt-front. ‘Hawk?’ he queried uncertainly.
Hawk’s eyes glittered angrily at the other man, all his frustration centred in the anger he let control him. ‘For your information, Maggie was a very disappointed lady at the end of that conversation. Not that that’s any of your damned business, anyway,’ he added harshly. ‘And in future when you talk about Leonie I’d like to hear a little respect in your voice. Understand?’ He shook the other man slightly.
Jake shook his head, completely undaunted. ‘Are you in love with her?’
Jake had asked the very same question that had been plaguing Hawk since he had seen Leonie again. He wanted to take care of her, she was the mother of his child, he desired her to the point of madness, but was all that love?
He had loved Amy, had loved her as a boy and then as a man. But it was nothing like the emotions Leonie raised in him. Amy was totally self-reliant, had been brought up to believe in her own worth, never accepting second-best in anything. They had shared love; she certainly hadn’t needed his protection the way Leonie did. He and Amy had been two people who happened to love each other who had shared life; Leonie made him feel protective, jealous of any life she had known before him, violent towards her marriage and the man she had loved. And he couldn’t even claim he felt that way because of Holly, because he had felt all those emotions before he knew their one night together had produced a child. But was it love?
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