by R B Hilliard
My heart dropped. “Um, yes it is. Why? Is she okay?”
“I’m sorry to inform you that your aunt passed away at 11:22 this morning.
“What?” I whispered, closing my eyes.
This isn’t happening.
“But…how?”
“Heart failure. She went into cardiac arrest and we could not revive her. I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anyone we can call for you?”
“Please tell me this is a joke.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss, ma’am I really am.”
I hung up. Immediately, I picked it back up and dialed Joss.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Joss?” I barely got out.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?”
“My aunt.”
I heard the phone rustling and then Joss shouting something in the background.
“Hey El, it’s Kurt, what’s wrong?” Ever since Max’s disappearance, Kurt had been my confidant, my brother, my protector. Sometimes I felt as if he was watching over me for Max. Of course, I knew this wasn’t the case. After all, Max left Kurt too, but…. Just hearing his voice made the tears flow.
“The hospital called a few minutes ago. My aunt died of heart failure at eleven this morning.”
“Jesus, Ellie. We just saw her at your graduation! What can we do to help? Do you want us to come get you?”
I need you to bring her back.
“Kurt, I need to go, I feel sick.” My chest was tight and I felt sick to my stomach.
“Okay, but promise you will call us later today.”
“Sure.”
First Max and now my aunt.
Nausea slammed into me and I barely made it to the bathroom before losing my breakfast.
I didn’t call Kurt and Joss back that day. In fact, I turned off my phone, crawled in my bed and relived a lifetime of memories with the only parent I’d ever known. True, not all of them were good, but they were mine.
Three days later I heard my front door open and close.
“You’re going to have to get out of bed and deal with this Ellie,” Kurt announced from my bedroom door.
Why did I ever give them a key?
“Go away,” I moaned in his direction.
“Ellie sugar,” Joss said, crawling in bed beside me. “Plans need to be made and your aunt’s lawyer needs to talk to you. Your aunt arranged everything through her will but they need you to sign off on it.”
“I don’t want to sign off. I don’t want to bury her.”
“I know you don’t,” Kurt said, sitting down on my other side, “but you have to.” They now had me smushed between them, like a very sad sandwich.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” I whispered.
“I know and I’m so sorry,” Joss whispered back.
“I didn’t thank her for adopting me or tell her that I loved her enough.”
“She knew,” said Kurt. “She was so proud of you.”
They consoled me while I cried and reminisced. Then we planned my next step.
~Five years earlier
I read somewhere that there are five stages of grief. The first is denial. I could not believe that Max was gone, especially after everything that we had shared. That he could or would just up and leave me was too much to take. So, I didn’t. I made like an ostrich and buried my head deep in the sand or, in my case, deep in denial. I believed to the bottom of my soul that he was going to show up at any second with a plausible explanation. We would all sigh in relief and life would go on. Hope, however, is a tricky thing. We all knew deep down that Max wasn’t going to be at school, but we were drowning so we grabbed onto anything we could think of. Hope kept me focused and moving forward. It fed my denial and, for a while, I let it.
Our trip up to ASU was pointless. The Registrar’s office wouldn’t tell us anything. Kurt managed to get the name of Max’s dorm and his room number. We visited his roommate who knew nothing except that Max hadn’t shown up.
We were all quiet on the ride back down the mountain.
“So, what now?” Joss asked.
“Listen Ellie, even if Max wanted to leave you, which he didn’t, he wouldn’t have left without talking to me first. He wouldn’t have left Benny without a word. Damn, I really wanted him to be there,” he sighed. “I wanted to see his face and then chew his ass. More than that, I just wanted to know that he was okay.” He ran his hand through his hair.
I stared out the window and let the tears fall. We were all disappointed.
We stopped off at the garage to talk to Benny before heading home. He told us that he had been searching out places where Max’s dad liked to drink.
“Ailene, at the Crispy Catch said that she hadn’t seen Malcolm in well over a week. He’s in the wind, gone underground or dead,” Benny told us.
I wasn’t sure the meaning of the first two but I certainly knew what the last meant. If Malcolm McLellan was dead, then what did that mean for Max and Sarah?
I waited three more agonizing days before breaking down and calling Piper.
“Ellie, you do realize that something is wrong here, don’t you?” she asked after I explained all that had happened over the past two weeks.
“I’m sure he’ll call when he can.”
Yep, I was still knee deep in denial.
“Has Kurt heard from him?”
“No one has.”
“Did you search through his iPod? Maybe he left a clue or something?”
“I looked, Piper.”
I couldn’t get to sleep the night that we got back from ASU. This was nothing new, but I was beyond tired and imagining all kinds of messed up things in my head. I pulled out Max’s iPod, thinking that music, his music, would help. One of his playlists was titled Songs for Ellison. I cried through twenty-five songs that made him think of me. I told all of this to Piper.
“Wow,” she said, “were any of them good?”
“Let’s see, I started crying at Bruce Springsteen’s Secret Garden, thought I was going to throw up by Maroon 5’s She Will be Loved and had to turn it off at All I Want is You.”
“What about the police? What did they have to say?” she asked.
“Kurt doesn’t want me to go to the police because of Sarah.”
“How long are you going to hold out?”
“Not much longer.”
“Ummm, not to change the subject or anything but I broke up with Tom a couple of days ago.”
Thank you Jesus.
“Oh Piper, I am so sorry. We really liked Tom. Are you doing okay?”
I am such a crappy friend.
“Yeah, he was getting to be a bit pretentious.”
Getting to be?
“Well, I’m just glad you are okay.”
Sayonara Chucky or, as Joss would say, don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!
“I’m worried about you, Ellie. This is your senior year. Everything counts now. Remember how we used to sit on my bed and dream about being seniors?”
“I know. It’s just….”
“Juuuuust what?”
Clearing the tears from my throat, I continued, “We made plans. He gave me the keys to his truck. We talked of future dreams….together. I was his game changer and he was my everything. How do I just….go on… without him….not knowing?”
“I can’t answer that. I wish I could and I wish I was there.”
“Me too.”
Before bed that night I called Max’s phone and poured everything I was feeling into my message. I couldn’t help but think that he was out there somewhere listening.
Max, where are you? Please come back.
By mid-September I was no longer in denial. Max hadn’t returned and I knew now that he probably wasn’t going to. I went to school during the day and work directly after. After work I went home, ate dinner with my aunt and studied. She was worried about me but I didn’t have enough energy to pacify her.
Around ten every night I snuck out my window and walk
ed to Max’s house. I crawled through his bedroom window and into his bed where I lay surrounded by his things. I had a part of him back when I was in his house and in his bed. His smell comforted me. This was the time when I allowed the pain to swallow me. Night after night I cried myself to sleep.
Max made me feel beautiful and loved for the first time in my life. He filled me up. I was now empty and questioning everything. Did he choose the songs on my playlist knowing that he was leaving? Did he leave the iPod in his car and want me to discover it? I couldn’t even drive his truck without breaking down, so I gave the keys to Benny and asked him to keep it safe. The one thing that I knew without a doubt was that I belonged to Max McLellan. I always would.
~Five years later
One week after Joss and Kurt came to Greensboro to retrieve me, I said goodbye to my aunt. The week leading up to the funeral seemed never ending.
After packing enough stuff for a week and calling the advertising agency to delay my start date, I rode back to Charlotte with Joss and Kurt. We spent most of the week dealing with funeral arrangements. By the day of the funeral, I felt like I had cried a lifetime of tears. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry like this since…Max.
Who am I kidding? I still cry over Max…just not as often as I used to.
Piper came from Texas with her brothers. I insisted that they all stay in the house with me. I really didn’t want to be alone.
My aunt’s next door neighbor, Mrs. Henry and her niece Polly helped organize a reception at the house after the ceremony. Half the town came to the funeral and the other half brought food to the house after. I had never seen so much food. Saying goodbye to my aunt, the only mother I had ever known, was excruciating. Standing there surrounded by people who knew and cared for her made it bearable.
Piper and I were in the kitchen taking a breather when I glanced into the living room and noticed a man I didn’t recognize but had seen earlier at the grave site.
“Who is that?” I asked Piper.
“Who?”
“The sandy haired man by the mantle. He keeps staring at me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know but I noticed him at the grave site earlier.”
Looking around, all I saw were strange faces. “I feel like I should know all of these people but I don’t.”
“Earth to Ellie, you have been away for the past four years and your aunt knew a lot of people. Quit feeling guilty. Do you want me to find out who he is? Maybe he and old Elizabeth had a hot thing going? Maybe they were playing hide the sausage while you were gone.” She wiggled her eyebrows, trying to make me laugh.
Vintage Piper.
Just thinking about my aunt and sex made me cringe. “Maybe Mrs. Henry knows him. I’ll ask her later.” I lost focus on the man when I felt a hand on my arm.
“Ellie, I haven’t formally introduced you to Polly,” said Joss. “She works with Kurt at the bar and has become a good friend to me.”
Polly Henry was a knock out. Like Joss, she had long curly hair but, whereas Joss’ was natural, Polly’s was not. She had big blue eyes and was about an inch shorter than my five nine.
“Hey there Ellie,” said Polly. “I sure am sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you, Polly. I didn’t realize you worked for Kurt?”
“I just started.”
“Well, thanks for taking care of all of this.”
“Shit, it’s the least we could do. Your aunt was a…kind woman.”
I almost laughed when she said this. My aunt was many things, but kind was not typically one of them.
“I used to stop by my aunt’s on the weekend to check up on her,” she continued. “She and Elizabeth were always up to something or another. She talked about you and your studies a lot. She sure was proud of you.”
I didn’t even know that my aunt knew her next door neighbor.
“Has your aunt lived here long?” I asked.
“A couple of years now.”
“Well, I’m happy to finally meet you Polly and good luck with your new job.”
“Thanks. Hopefully I’ll see you around now that you’re back in Charlotte. Maybe we could hang out sometime?”
“Sure, I’d like that.” I didn’t bother to disavow her of this notion because, well, I really didn’t know what I was going to do. A part of me wanted to come home. Another part of me was afraid. It had taken most of the past five years to start moving forward. Would coming back to Charlotte with all of its memories just be a major setback?
One step at a time, Ellie.
A little while later Benny and I were discussing the merits of frozen casseroles when I noticed the man from earlier. “Hang on a second,” I told him and walked across the room to introduce myself. “Hi, I am Ellie Davis,” I said, holding out my hand. “I don’t believe we’ve met before. Were you close to my aunt?”
“A long time ago, I was,” said the deep voiced stranger. I placed him in his early forties which would be too young to have dated my aunt.
Hmmmm.
“And your name is……?”
“Uh… Samuel. My name is Samuel.”
“Well Samuel, do you have a last name?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
I couldn’t help but notice his nice smile and that he seemed oddly familiar.
“Well?”
“My name is Samuel Davis,” he said holding out his hand. “I am your aunt’s brother which would make me your father.”
Oh My God.
Not expecting this, I choked out, “Excuse me for a minute.”
I found Joss, Piper and Kurt huddled in a corner. Latching on to whomever I could get my hands on, I said, “Come now,” and pulled them out of the room and up the stairs while trying not to freak out.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?” asked Kurt.
“Shit, shit, shit.” I chanted all the way up the stairs and into my bedroom. Closing the door I blurted, “That man downstairs, the one I was just talking to, claims he’s my dad.”
“What?” gasped Joss.
“The one we thought might be doing your aunt?” Piper asked.
“The one you thought,” I corrected.
“What is he doing here? Did he say what he wanted?” Kurt asked.
“No. I went all Xena Warrior Princess on his ass and practically forced him to give me his name. Why now after all this time?” I asked.
“I wanted to say goodbye to my sister. I also wanted the opportunity to see you and to talk to you,” he said from the doorway.
“Shit!” Piper and Joss both screamed.
“Ahhhh!” I shouted.
“Sorry,” he smirked, “didn’t mean to scare you. I just figured that if I didn’t get up here and say my peace pretty quickly that you’d be showing me the door.”
I was standing in the room with my father. This was hard to take in. “But…why now?”
I repeated.
“You got a lot of time? This might take a while.”
I just stood there and stared at him.
My father, the man who didn’t want me to be born, is here.
“El, maybe you should hear him out?” said Kurt.
I couldn’t help but snap when he said this. “Really? Did your father abandon you at birth and leave you for his sister to raise? Did you grow up with no parents? No, Kurt, that was me.”
“That’s fair, but I would at least like the chance to tell my side of things,” Samuel said.
“Your side…of things are irrelevant now. I am a twenty-two year old adult who is well past needing a daddy. Your side of things would have been welcomed, oh let’s say twenty years ago.”
“Look, I get that you are angry and have a shitload of pent up resentment but there are always two sides to a story. I would like the chance to tell you mine.”
“And then?”
“And then nothing… or everything. I’ll let you decide.”
“I have to think about it,” I told him.
“That’s fine. I am staying at the Ma
rriott by the mall, room 405. I leave Thursday. Think about it.” Staring, as if memorizing me, he said, “I’ll let myself out.”
Three days. I had three flipping days to decide if I wanted to talk to my dad or not. Crap…..
~Five years earlier
I had gone through my daily routine of work and school and was crawling through Max’s window when I thought I heard something. Pulling myself over the sill, I shrieked when two hands grabbed me and yanked me inside.
“I knew it!” Kurt shouted. “What the fuck, Ellie?”
“God, you scared the shit out of me!” I shouted back.
“What are you doing here?”
“What I do every night, Kurt,” I sarcastically replied. “What are you doing here?”
“Following your ass.”
“Why?”
“Oh, maybe because Joss and I are worried sick about you, Ellie. Have you looked at yourself lately?”
“Sure,” I lied. I hadn’t looked at myself. I was afraid of what I would see.
“You are lying because if you looked at yourself you would see the dark circles under your eyes and how crazy skinny you’ve become.”
“I can’t eat, Kurt, and when I sleep, all I dream about is Max. The only decent sleep I get is when I am here in his bed.”
“God, Ellie. Every fucking day I think of something and have my phone in my hand dialing Max’s number, when I catch myself. I miss him so damn much but you…you are letting it kill you.”
“I know in my head that he is gone, but I just can’t convince my heart. I can’t make sense of anything right now.”
He wrapped his arms around me and nothing felt better at that moment. “I think it’s time we go to the police,” he said, placing his chin on top of my head. “This is bigger than us and is killing you. It’s time.”
“Are you sure?” I sniffled.
“How about tomorrow after school? Can you go then?”
“Yes, I’m off work tomorrow.”
“Good, meet me at my car and I’ll drive us.”
“Thanks Kurt.”
“I love Joss,” he quietly said, “but she doesn’t understand, not really. I think you are the only one who gets it.”
“I know.” I squeezed him tight and stepped back.