But he’d give her everything else. His name. His home. His children. And one day, he’d confess his love and she’d believe him. She’d trust him to not hurt her again as he had before.
He had to have her. Hell, he couldn’t draw a breath inside that house without taking the essence of her into his soul. It had always been that way between them. Seven years ago, he’d just been too young to appreciate what he had when he had it. Now he was going to set things right.
Clutching his hat in one fist, he started for the porch. Time to get this done. He’d walk right in there and tell her they were getting married. Amanda was a logical sort of woman. She’d see it was the best plan right off. They’d have a small wedding, here on the ranch. Nathan took the front steps two at a time, a smile on his face.
The front door flew open just as he approached it and Amanda was standing there, staring at him through wide, wonder-filled eyes.
“Amanda?” He stopped dead. “Are you okay?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Eleven
Okay, Amanda thought, she’d had that planned a lot better in her mind. She hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that, but on the other hand, even if she had taken ten or fifteen minutes to tell him, the result would’ve be the same.
She looked up at him and waited what felt like forever for his reaction. Would he be as happy as she was? Would he be upset? Say something!
He scrubbed one hand across his face. “You’re what?”
“Pregnant.” It felt so good to say. What felt like champagne bubbles were swimming through her system, making her nearly giddy.
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” She laughed a little as she’d been doing all afternoon since taking that wonderful little test that Terri had picked up for her. “At least, that’s what the test said. Positive.”
He shook his head. “How?”
“Really?”
He laughed. “That’s not what I meant. We used condoms.”
“They don’t always work, you know.” She paused and added, “They didn’t work seven years ago, either.”
“I remember.” He reached out and skimmed his fingers along her cheek.
Memories swirled around them, thickening the air with the haunting ghosts of shattered dreams and broken promises. They’d made an agreement to leave the past behind, but could it ever really be forgotten? Weren’t you supposed to not dismiss your past, but learn from it?
Well, Amanda had. She’d lived through the pain, built a life, grown and changed. But the dreams of her heart were still there. Nathan. A family. She caught his hand in hers and held tight. Amanda had had a couple of hours to get used to this news and she figured it would take Nathan at least a few minutes to do the same. She wanted him to be happy about it, but the honest truth was, even if he didn’t want the baby, she did.
Seven years ago, she’d been young and scared and too unsure about her own future to feel capable of raising a child on her own. But she was different now.
She had a home. A job. A place in this town. And if she had to, she would gladly raise this baby as a single mom. It was as if she’d been given a second chance to have all of the dreams she’d been denied so many years ago.
“This is…” He drew her into the house and closed the door. Tossing his hat onto the nearest chair, he laughed again. “This is great.”
Relief and joy swept through Amanda on a tide so high and wide, she could barely breathe through the richness of it. “You’re happy about the baby?”
“Happy?” Nathan laughed, reached out, grabbed her and swung her in a circle before finally setting her on her feet and pulling her in close. “Amanda, it’s like we’ve got a second chance, here.”
“That’s just what I was thinking,” she agreed, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding on. She leaned her head on his chest and listened to his galloping heartbeat.
“We can get married here at the ranch,” he said. “Actually, I was planning for us to be married, anyway.”
She went still, then drew her head back and looked up at him. “I’m sorry. You were planning for us to be married?”
“Yeah. I was going to tell you about it tonight.” He grinned at her. “But your news kind of threw my plan off.”
“Your plan.” A trickle of cold began to seep through the happy glow she’d been carrying inside.
He gave her a hard hug. “I figured we could get married here at the ranch.”
“Did you?” The cold went a bit deeper now, but she steeled herself against it.
The past seemed suddenly so much closer. She was reliving it all. His announcement that they would be married. The baby she carried. Would she also relive the shattered dreams?
Nathan frowned a little. “We don’t have to hold the ceremony at the ranch, but I thought it’d be easier. Terri will help you set everything up. I’ll help when I can, but I’m still looking for Alex and—”
He had it all worked out. And with every word he spoke, her heart sank a little bit more. The buzz of excitement and joy she’d felt earlier was quickly being swamped by feelings of disappointment and, okay, yes, irritation. She couldn’t believe this. Although, it was so typical of Nathan, she really should have expected it. Seven years ago, he’d done the same and she’d allowed it because she had wanted him badly enough to hope that one day he might tell her he loved her. Now, though, she wouldn’t settle. Slipping out of his arms, she took a step away from him, folded her arms over her chest and stared at the man who had held her heart since she was a kid.
How could she be so dispirited and so in love with him at the same time? Had to be a sort of cosmic joke on her that the one man who could drive her to distraction was the only man she’d ever wanted.
“So you’ve got everything figured out, have you?” Amanda asked, her voice soft and cool.
“Not completely,” he admitted. “But between the two of us it shouldn’t take long.”
“You’re right about that,” Amanda said, shaking her head as she looked up at him. “Won’t take long at all, since I’m not going to marry you.”
“Of course we’re getting married.”
“Nothing’s changed, has it?” she asked, not really expecting a response. “Seven years ago, you decided we’d get married and I went along.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued quickly. “But I’m not a kid anymore, Nathan. I make my own choices. My own decisions. I won’t let you push me into a marriage you don’t really want.”
“What’re you talking about?” He looked as astonished as he sounded.
“What I’m saying is, this is just like before. You’re offering marriage because I’m pregnant. Because it’s the right thing to do.” She turned abruptly and walked away from him, into the living room. He was right behind her.
The huge room boasted views of the ranch from every window. Across the drive, the main ranch house was brilliantly lit and Amanda knew that inside, Terri and her family were cozy and happy. Envy curled inside her and twisted around her heart like tangled ribbons. She’d like that for herself. For her child. But she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes she’d made seven years ago. She wouldn’t be a duty. She wouldn’t be a problem that Nathan felt honor bound to clean up.
“It’s the right thing to do because we belong together,” Nathan argued.
“Do we?” She didn’t know anymore. She’d always believed it, but she’d been shot down before and now, if she went along with Nathan’s plan she’d only be setting herself up for a possible repeat of history.
“I think we should talk this through,” he said.
She shook her head, never taking her gaze from the scene sprawling outside the window. She would miss it here, but it was definitely time to leave. Glancing over her shoulder at him, she said, “I don’t think so, Nath
an.”
He was looking at her as if she’d sprouted another head. She could almost smile about that. Nathan was so used to being obeyed, he didn’t know what to do when someone simply said no.
So she took a breath and tried to explain. “Nathan, I know this is just instinct to you. To do the right thing. The honorable thing.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Of course it’s not bad,” she countered, and gave him a sad smile. “But it’s no reason to get married. I went along with your demands last time because, frankly, I was too scared to have a baby on my own. But I’ve changed, Nathan. And I’m not going to be just another duty to a man with too much honor. I want to be loved Nathan, or I’m not going to get married at all.”
He threw up his hands. “But I do love you.”
Pain sliced at her. If he’d led with that, maybe things would be different right now. But he hadn’t mentioned anything about love until he absolutely had to, so how could she trust it? How could she believe anything but that Nathan would use whatever he had to to win.
“I wish I could believe that,” she said after a long moment. “I really do.”
“Why the hell can’t you?” he argued. “Is it so impossible to believe?”
“Yeah, it is,” she said and moved farther away. God, she couldn’t stay here. Couldn’t be this close to him, knowing that she couldn’t have him. She needed to be home. Back in the tiny, hot box of an apartment over the diner. She needed to think.
“Amanda,” he said, stepping closer, keeping his gaze locked with hers. “You can believe me. I do love you.”
“No, you don’t,” she said, shaking her head as she backed up toward the chair where she’d dropped her purse earlier. “You just want me to fall in line and you know this is the way to manage it. No. It’s just a little too convenient, don’t you think? I say I won’t get married without love and boom. Suddenly you love me? I don’t think so.”
“It’s not suddenly,” he argued. “I’ve loved you most of my life.”
That stopped her for a second as his words ricocheted around inside her, tearing at her heart. She wanted to believe, she really did, for both her own sake and the baby’s. But how could she? And if she took a chance—trusted him with her heart—and was wrong…then it wasn’t only she who would pay the price. She had her child to think about now.
“Why is it, then, that you’ve never mentioned it before now, Nathan?” she asked quietly, sadly.
“I don’t know,” he muttered, shoving one hand through his hair.
She picked up her purse and rummaged one hand inside for her car keys. When she found them, she curled her fingers around them and said, “Until you know the answer to that, Nathan, there’s nothing else to talk about. Now, I’m going home.”
“You are home, Amanda.”
That little arrow scored a direct hit on her heart. She had hoped this would be home. Had imagined it. But she couldn’t have what she wanted—without first having what she needed. Amanda needed to be loved by the very man standing there giving her all the right words without the meaning.
“No, I’m really not.” She shook her head and walked past him. He stopped her with a hand on her arm.
“Don’t go.”
She looked down at his hand then shifted her gaze to his eyes. “I have to.”
He released her then and Amanda felt the loss of his touch all the way to her bones. It took everything she had to walk out the door and down the front steps. Before she reached her car, she looked back over her shoulder and Nathan was standing there, in the open doorway, watching her.
“This isn’t over,” he said, his deep voice carrying on the warm summer air.
Amanda knew that all too well. What she felt for Nathan would never be over.
* * *
“Anyway,” Pam said later that evening. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry.”
What a day this had been, Amanda thought, staring at her sister in dumbfounded shock. A surprise pregnancy, a surprise proposal and now…a sister who had hated her enough to try and ruin her life. Her heart hurt at the realization that Pam had been behind the rumors that had torn Amanda and Nathan apart so long ago. But a voice in her mind whispered that Nathan shouldn’t have believed those rumors. He should have loved her enough to know they weren’t true.
And he hadn’t.
“You’re sorry.” Amanda whispered the words and watched Pam flinch. “For all the rumors or for the diner?”
“Both.” Pam dropped into a chair beside the sofa where Amanda was curled up.
The diner apartment was too warm, the air conditioner wasn’t working again. Amanda reached for her glass of iced tea and took a long drink as she studied her sister. Pam looked awful. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her hair was in a tangle as if she’d forgotten to brush it and misery pumped off of her in waves.
Right now, Amanda told herself, she should be furious. Should be raging at her sister for all the damage Pam had done over the years. But the bottom line was, Amanda’s heart was already too broken to break again. And fury seemed to require more effort than she had the energy for at the moment.
“God,” Pam said softly, “I was always so jealous of you.”
“Why?” Amanda shook her head and stared at her. “You’re my big sister, Pam. I always looked up to you.”
Pam winced. “And I resented you. You were always the favorite. With Mom and Dad, with our teachers at school. With Nathan.”
“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say to that,” Amanda said quietly. “Mom and Dad loved us both and you know it.”
“Of course they did, and I’m an idiot for clinging to all that junk from when we were kids and letting it chew on me until I lost it.”
“Pam…”
“There’s nothing you have to say. It was all me, Mandy,” Pam whispered, unconsciously using the name Amanda hadn’t heard since she was a little girl. “I got so twisted up inside, I couldn’t see anything but my jealousy of you. And even if you don’t believe me, I am really sorry.”
“I do believe you.” Funny. She could accept Pam’s apology but she couldn’t trust Nathan’s proclamation of love. A very weird day.
Pam looked at her from where she was sprawled in the overstuffed, faded chair. “You do?”
“Yeah.” She shook her head tiredly. “Not that it’s okay with me, what you did. And we’re going to have to talk about this more, figure out where we go from here, but you’re still my sister….” Heck, Amanda understood better than anyone what it was to be so crazy about Nathan that you could lose yourself in the emotional pool. And, there was the fact that Amanda was going to need her sister in the coming months. She could raise a child alone, but she wanted her baby to have a family. An aunt to love him or her.
Pam drew a deep breath and let it out on a relieved sigh. Her lips curved in a tired smile that looked quivery at the edges. “I didn’t expect you to forgive me so easily.”
Amanda tried to find a return smile, but couldn’t. “I didn’t say it would be easy. You’re paying for the damage to the diner.”
“Agreed,” Pam said.
“And,” Amanda continued, since she had her sister at a disadvantage at the moment, “you’re taking over the paperwork again.”
Pam nodded. “I only dumped it on you because you hate it. I actually sort of like it. I was always good with numbers.”
“I know, I used to envy that,” Amanda mused, realizing that for the first time in years, she and her sister were having a real conversation. “Maybe you should think about going back to school. Getting an accounting degree.”
Pam thought about that for a second and then smiled. “Maybe I will.” She pushed her hair back behind her ears. “Gotta say, Amanda, you’ve been a lot nicer to me about this than I deserve.”
>
“You know,” Amanda said thoughtfully, “you’re lucky you picked today to dump all of this on me.”
“Why?”
Amanda frowned and tapped her fingernails against the glass she held. “Because I’m too tired from dealing with Nathan at the moment to work up any real rage for you.”
“I’m so sorry, Amanda,” Pam said again. “I know you and Nathan were having a hard time and I didn’t make it any easier. But he made it clear today that you two were getting married and—”
Amanda went still as stone. “He what?”
Pam shrugged. “He said you would be marrying him as soon as he told you his plan and—”
“He told you he was going to marry me even before he bothered to mention it to me?”
“Yeah, apparently.”
There was a part of Amanda that was excited to hear it. After all, he’d seen Pam before he knew about the baby. So he had planned to propose anyway—that was something. It didn’t change the fact that he’d mentioned nothing about love, though, until he was forced to by the situation.
“Well,” she murmured, “it doesn’t change anything. I already told him I’m not going to marry him just because he decrees it to be so.”
“You said no?” Incredulous, Pam’s voice went high.
“Of course I said no. I’m not going to agree to marry him just because I’m pregnant again.”
“You’re pregnant?”
Amanda wrapped her arms around her middle as if giving her unborn child a comforting hug. “I am, and I can raise my baby all by myself. The baby will have a mom and an aunt, right?”
Smiling, Pam said, “Absolutely. Aunt Pam.”
Amanda nodded. “I can do this and I can do it without Nathan Battle if I have to.”
“If he lets you,” Pam muttered.
“Lets me?” Amanda repeated, staring at her sister. “Did you just say if he lets me?”
Pam lifted both hands. “You know Nathan. He doesn’t usually hear the word ‘no.’”
“Well, he’ll have to hear it this time. I’m going to live my life my way. I’m not going to be told what to do and where to go and who to love.” She walked over to the window and stared down at Royal. It was dark and streetlights created puddles of gold up and down the street. Overhead, the moon hung like a lopsided teeter-totter and the stars winked down on the world.
Rumor Has It Page 15