“No, don’t apologize. You’re right. I’ve been battling with myself for months now. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with the bad decisions I made and how close I came to going over the edge. I won’t lie, Brooklyn. I’ve thought about leaving here and heading back to New York to Ray.”
“What? No. No, you can’t do that,” she stated firmly.
“I know that. I do. I’m just being honest with you so you can understand my way of thinking from when I first came here and to where I am now, emotionally. Hell, I’m still scared. I’m still unwilling to let people close. I know Ray was wrong for me. I know he took advantage of me, and he used me. I’ve got the scars to show for my stupidity.”
“Aw, honey, it wasn’t your fault. Men can be manipulative and conniving, especially when they get their claws in and start those psychological games with your head where you don’t know which way is up or down.”
“Unless they tell you,” Antonia added, and Brooklyn nodded her head. She understood. She’d been involved with Kevin, and he’d nearly destroyed Brooklyn’s entire life. Brooklyn was strong willed, a fighter. Antonia was just downright scared and hollow inside.
“I wish I had your strength Brooklyn. I wish I had a dream, a desire to achieve something great, something to put all my energy into.”
“You’re stronger than you think, Antonia. Besides that, you have the Filling Station. It’s our success, our future, and income.”
“It’s yours. I’m just helping out.”
“It’s ours. You’re my family, my sister, and I love you. It’s yours, too.”
Antonia smiled at her, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She hugged her sister tightly.
“Move in with your men. You finally have everything you’ve ever wanted and then some. Don’t make me feel like I’m holding you back. Do it. Please.” Even as she said the words and wanted them to be authentic, she felt her gut clench with the fear of being alone. Alone in this house, alone with her thoughts, and alone with the weakness and insecurities Ray had used to manipulate her completely.
* * * *
“I love it, but it’s so not me,” Carina said as she twirled around in the very snug-fitting red dress. They had been shopping in the strip mall and having a great time.
“What do you mean it’s not you? You look incredible. Usually you’re hiding your figure, except in the uniform for the Filling Station.
“What do you mean? It’s a T-shirt and shorts or blue jeans,” Carina stated and then looked at herself in the mirror again and smoothed her hands along her hips.
“You still look good. You have a great body.”
“I’m so petite. I wish I was like five-foot-seven.”
Antonia chuckled. “I used to wish the same thing, but not anymore. Five-four and proud of it.”
Carina smiled. “We’re so much alike. I think that’s why we get along so well.” Carina pushed her long blonde hair back over her shoulder and headed into the changing room. A few minutes later she emerged with just two tops and a skirt. She and Antonia had already hit the lingerie department, grabbing much-needed new bras and panties.
They paid for their items and headed out of the store. As they were walking down the sidewalk, they saw some older cowboys were standing by the front of the restaurant where they had planned to grab an early dinner. They were looking at Antonia and Carina as they tried to pass by. One of the guys got in their way.
“Good afternoon, ladies. I don’t think we’ve seen you around here before. New to town?”
They walked right past the men as they whistled about their attitudes and made comments about how hot they were. Antonia was immediately worried, and one look at Carina and she could tell she was, too. Carina grabbed onto her arm.
“They’re just flirting and being jerks.”
“I can’t stand that,” Antonia admitted.
“Me either. It gets old fast. It’s also why I don’t go out much. Just to work and the supermarket in town.”
“Me either.”
They exchanged a look that made Antonia think that Carina may understand her fears all too well. A waitress showed them to a table, and Antonia spotted a table in the back room with some men in uniform and a few in plain clothes. She turned to sit down, and Carina sat, facing her.
“You’re shy like I am. I think that’s why we get along so well. Working at the Filling Station has made me a little more social but not much.”
“Why is that?” Antonia asked as she glanced at the menu, deciding what to have.
“I guess life lessons and stuff.”
Antonia looked up at Carina, noticing her eyes darting around the place and then landing on the officers in the back. She suddenly looked sad, and maybe a little nervous.
“What’s wrong?” Antonia asked.
“Nothing.” She looked at the menu, but her eyes would go from the menu to the guys in the back.
“If something is making you uncomfortable here, we could leave.”
Carina looked at her and gave a small smile. “It’s better if we stay. The last several months I’ve been trying to get control of my fears, to face bad memories of things that happened. Sometimes it’s a lot tougher than others.”
Antonia’s gut clenched. She had a suspicion that Carina had a past. Maybe it had to do with a man doing her wrong or hurting her just like Antonia had.
“I know exactly what you mean. I nearly cancelled this shopping trip out of Repose about a dozen times.”
That got Carina’s attention immediately. She lowered the menu and looked at her. “No way. Me, too.”
Antonia smirked. “I have the feeling that you and I may have more in common than we thought.”
Carina chuckled just as the waitress came over to take their drink and food orders. “So, what happened to you in New York? What made you move out here with your sister?”
She swallowed hard.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to be so blunt. I would react the same way if you asked me why I came to Repose. I guess I figured since it isn’t a secret that you had to visit Dr. Cortland when you first arrived that you might share it with me.”
“I don’t really like to talk about it. It’s like, if I give it thought and remember everything, it gives the bad memories power.”
“Ahh, nightmares. I can so relate. The lack of sleep, always feeling on edge and scared, untrusting to a big extent. Yep, I’m with ya, girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get a good night’s sleep again or ever feel safe.”
“Really?” Antonia asked, feeling shocked.
Carina glanced at the crowd of officers behind them in the back. “I dated a cop, back in Missouri.”
“What happened?”
Her eyes filled up with tears. Antonia saw it right away.
“Small town, a lot of corruption and stuff.” She played with her fingers and took a few unsteady breaths. “He had some close friends. Good buddies that shared everything. Steven worked a lot of hours. We talked about getting engaged and getting married, starting a family and stuff.” She rubbed her arms and, by the way her eyes darted back to the police officers and then around the restaurant, she seemed to be getting upset.
“His friend Collin was always showing up at the house. I would go to Steven’s to do my laundry because the apartment I rented was always having problems with the machines in the basement and Steven was worried about me being down there late at night. So a lot of times when he was working I would come in and do my laundry at his place.”
“That makes sense. Why didn’t you just move in with him?”
“We were talking about it. I think he was looking at rings and getting ready to propose. His friend Collin showed up a few times looking for Steven. He knew he wasn’t home. I know he knew I was there alone, and he would come inside, grab a beer, and say that Steven let him do it. That he was his best friend.”
“Oh, shit. He tried something with you?”
Carina looked up with tears in her eyes. “I was scared
of Collin. I told Steven what he had done and how he was flirting with me and coming on strong. Steven got pissed, and it was like things suddenly changed between us. He was drinking more on his days off and hanging with Collin. Like he was taking his side over mine and I meant nothing.”
“That’s crazy. What did you do?”
“It got bad, Antonia. Like I mentioned, it was a small town and people talk, and I was stupid to not know that, when men are so close like they were, they do things and have experiences that someone like me, who is not worldly at all, would ever think would happen.”
“I don’t understand.”
“They would have these men’s weekends and nights out with all these local men. They all grew up together, and I heard stories but didn’t believe them. I didn’t believe that Steven, or other community people, would be involved, but they were. They were having these parties where women came in and serviced them.”
Antonia’s eyes widened.
“They had this big one during hunting season. It was deer meat and female meat on display on tables, all they could want.”
“That’s sick.”
“That was part of their good ol’ boy ways.”
“So you left?”
She nodded. “I loved Steven. He was my first and only lover.”
“What got you to leave?”
“Well, the friends I had were on my case about obeying Steven. Listening to whatever he said and doing it. I’d seen how some of these women were treated, and I didn’t think Steven capable of such things, but considering they were all friends and all seemed to have this understanding between them, I knew that he could turn out like them. We were at a party, and it was late. Collin had been taking every opportunity to touch me, move my hair from my shoulder, caress my cheek, or flirt, even in front of Steven, who didn’t seem to react. Until Steven kissed me and Collin decided to join in.”
“No.”
She nodded and took an unsteady breath. She took a sip from her iced tea, and Antonia felt the tears in her eyes. Her story was similar but involved even more. Drugs and an orgy, men and women forced on her to take her body because her own boyfriend got turned on by it. She shivered from the memory.
“What happened?”
“I freaked out when Collin pressed up against me then ran his hand under my skirt and Steven didn’t stop him. Steven held me tight. Kissed me deeply, not letting me pull away, and let Collin touch me.”
“Jesus.” Antonia reached out to cover Carina’s hand. “How did you get away?”
“When Steven released my lips, I was crying, telling him I didn’t want this. Collin gripped my inner thigh so tight as he whispered next to my ear that it wasn’t my decision, that Steven owned me and could share me with whomever he wanted and that it was going to be him. Steven just stared at me with a straight face, appearing angry, like I’d asked for it.”
“My God, you must have been so hurt.”
“I was heartbroken, but then Steven got a phone call from work. One of the guys was sick with a stomach virus and couldn’t come in, so we had to leave. Collin stayed, and I thought I was safe.”
“So you left town the next day?”
Carina just stared at her, eyes filled with tears.
“I was attacked in my apartment that night.”
“Oh, God no,” Antonia said, covering her mouth and then feeling the tears roll down her cheeks. She wiped them away quickly and looked around to be sure no one had seen her.
“It was Collin?”
A tear rolled down Carina’s cheek. She, too, quickly wiped it away. “And Steven, who showed up in uniform and watched.”
“Bastard.”
Carina closed her eyes and took a deep breath then released it.
“Well, now you know.”
“So that’s why you avoid the Cortland men, Jack and Jesse especially, but also Milton and Nevin.”
Carina widened her eyes, looked away and then back at Antonia.
“Probably, and just like you try to avoid the chief of police and his brothers.”
Antonia felt her cheeks heat, and she went to open her mouth to speak and then decided not to lie. Carina had been honest with her and shared her story. It was only right she shared hers.
The waitress placed their food down, and Antonia looked at Carina. “Are you afraid that Steven and Collin could come looking for you?”
“I’ll live with that fear every day of my life, but I won’t let it run my life, either.”
“I wish I could get to that point, but it’s all so new. My boyfriend was everything to me. I never expected to be betrayed the way he did or to be used like an object and possession,” Antonia said.
“What did he do?”
“Well, without getting into all the details—because I’ve been avoiding even thinking about it for the last few months—he basically wanted me to take drugs so I wouldn’t be fully conscious of the fact that he planned on sharing my body with a large group of friends, both male and female, in some sort of orgy.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yup.”
Carina took a bite of a french fry, chewed, then swallowed.
“You mentioned drugs. How did you avoid it all if he tried to drug you?”
“I pretended to take his little pill that would make me feel so good, like I was floating on air. So when he thought I was high, though I was pretending to be, his intentions became clear. He allowed another man to kiss me, to touch me, and undress me while Ray watched but then sucked face with another woman right in front of me.”
“Oh, my God. It sounds so much like what happened to me.”
Antonia looked away and then swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat.
“Except my defiance to what Ray wanted and what his friend wanted cost me a beating and a scar from a knife blade that will be a constant reminder of the night I had to fight for my life.”
“That’s why you needed to see Nevin. Oh, God, Antonia, how did you get free from them?”
“I fought back, and they were high on whatever it was they’d tried to get me to take. I ran from the room screaming, and Ray came after me, struck me several times, and then finally gave up on me. He told me if I wasn’t giving anything up tonight that he was going elsewhere and that tomorrow I was going to be punished for embarrassing him and for not coming through on a deal he’d made with three men who wanted to share me.
I got the hell out of there once I stopped crying and fighting the idea that I was nothing without Ray. That I couldn’t function and that no man would ever want me because I had only been with Ray and he’d cut me, purposely scarring me so no other man would want me. I called Brooklyn, and she got me to come to Repose.”
This time Carina covered Antonia’s hand and squeezed it.
“It was a smart move. The new beginning for you and a way to put Ray and the past behind you and move on. No wonder we’ve gotten along so well. You understand my fears, my anxieties about men, about trust and dealing with the battle wounds. In fact, I was thinking that it’s time to start feeling stronger and working to achieve more self-confidence and strength. I heard about a dojo one town over from Repose. I was thinking about taking their self-defense and kickboxing course. They have a bunch of flexible hours. Want to do them with me?”
Antonia thought about it a moment, and she wasn’t so sure.
“Come on. We can get through it together.”
Antonia smiled. “Why the hell not?”
They smiled and raised their iced teas, clinking glasses. Antonia had a positive feeling about this, and she was going to pursue it, thanks to Carina.
Chapter 3
Fox gripped the wooden railing and tried to catch his breath. It was late, and the moon shone bright across the wooded area surrounding their home. He felt the cool air against his damp chest and embraced the chill that immediately encased his body. Anything to take away the nightmares, the feelings of desperation and pain. He lowered his head, staring at the thick and ugly scars
along his chest. Fox squeezed the railing so tight as he remembered that night and the many days that followed while he hid from the enemy that tried to kill him and Gino.
Gino. His scars were worse. Long gashes along his back, permanent marks from the whips and strikes as they tortured the two of them. Fuck! Why had Chino set them up? Was it really about money and power? The crazy fucking traitor was now a hunted criminal, one of dozens on a government list indicating instant kill. Identify, prove identity, and take action to remove permanently. God damn, he couldn’t wait to find Chino and send him to his fucking grave.
He slammed his hand down on the railing and clenched his teeth. Fourteen months of dead-end leads, dirty, shit-ass countries where they could have been knocked off by locals and even terrorists who shot first without question. Look how many good men had died.
“Fuck.” He ran his hand over his face as he stepped back from the balcony to head back inside. A glance at the clock and he saw it was only five a.m. He was restless, unable to even think about going back to bed. He needed to shower and get ready for the day. He wanted to go online, log into his government account, and see if anything new had appeared. Chino was smart, but he would screw up. And when he did, Fox and Gino would be there.
He’d headed toward the bathroom when he saw Gino was up, too.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked him.
Gino shook his head and ran his hand along the back of his neck. He turned around to close the bedroom door, and Fox took in the sight of those damn scars. He wished he could have saved him from the pain and the permanent reminders of that mission. He’d have taken all the hits, the pain, the misery to see his brother be freed. Chino hadn’t wanted it that way. He wanted them to suffer, and it had been damn fucking personal.
“You showering first?” he asked him.
“Already did. I’ve been up for an hour,” Gino told him.
Fox squinted his eyes. “Are you having trouble sleeping again?” he asked, concerned.
“Just like you? Yeah, but don’t worry. I woke up before I screamed the house down this time.” He was trying to be funny, but it wasn’t humorous at all. Gino’s nightmares had been horrific, and when he’d first gotten home, he relived those strikes to his back over and over again.
The Battlefield Series 2: Scars Run Deep (Siren Publishing Ménage Everlasting) Page 3