My lip quivered.
“So don’t compare yourself to her. Don’t assume that Nate is going to make you go insane. He already does that, and you’re fine. The more you worry about what you’ll turn out to be in the future, the quicker you’ll get to making yourself crazy. That isn’t worth it, believe me.”
A tear fell down my cheek. “What if—”
“Those are two words that you can never say again,” she informed me, pinching my lips closed.
That wasn’t going to stop me.
“I’m going to let go, and you’re going to remain quiet. Deal? Wipe those tears off, you’re less pretty when you cry, and I don’t do the whole emotional thing very well.”
That made me laugh. She was horrible when it came to dealing with emotional people. If she was around somebody who cried, she got awkward and made weird jokes to try helping. They never helped once, although she thought they did. Everybody was laughing at her awkwardness rather than the jokes she made, but nobody ever told her.
She let go of my lips.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked.
No. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. You can go to bed now.”
“I don’t believe you,” she stated. “But I’m so damn tired. I’m going to have to pretend like you’re not bullshitting me so I’m not dying of exhaustion during class tomorrow.”
I stayed quiet.
She nodded once. “Okay, well I’m going to check on you tomorrow before your fake date so I know you’re not a total wreck. Sound good?”
I bit my lip and nodded once.
“You’ll be okay,” she promised. “Tara filled me in earlier. Everything that needs to be said will be done tomorrow. The worst that can happen is somebody’s feelings will be hurt. They’re adults, they can handle it.”
Have you met my brother? I wanted to ask.
“Right,” I agreed doubtfully.
She stood up and finished her water. “Don’t fall apart now, girl. Everything happens for a reason. It may be cheesy, but I think it’s true.”
I watched her go back to bed and stayed up the rest of the night wondering if my brother would ever talk to me again after tomorrow night.
“Geez do your friends ever clean this place?” Josh asked, examining the bras laying loose on the floor of the apartment.
“Be nice,” I warned. “They’re letting me stay here for free, so don’t screw that up for me.”
He held up his hands in defeat. “I could have mentioned how horrible you look today. Did you get any sleep last night?”
I eyed him. I knew he was going to say something.
“No, I didn’t. I can’t be calm like you.”
“You’re just lucky that I’m still going out with you,” he informed me, sitting on the couch. “I’m usually much pickier when it comes to dates.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re the one who roped us into this, so you’re not allowed to back out, no matter how ugly I look. It’s your fault I look like this anyway.”
“Excuse me, bitch, but I don’t recall keeping you up all night. Don’t blame your bad sleeping habits on me. Just throw on some makeup, a cute dress and put on a smile.”
I sat down on the other side of the couch. “You’re so bossy,” I complained.
“And you’re a train wreck,” he retorted.
We sat in silence for a moment.
“So…” He looked around the room, then at the clock on the wall. “When are you going to make yourself pretty?”
I sighed. “You don’t give up do you?”
“It’s not for me,” he reminded me. “Do you really want to go to this dinner looking like somebody just died? That Nate guy needs to see what he’s missing. If he sees you like this, he’ll take the waitress home instead of you.”
“He’s seen me in worse than this,” I argued.
He gave me a once over. “Maybe this guy is worth it if he’s accepted you this far.”
Why am I becoming friends with him again?
“Is this how you treat all of your friends?” I doubted, crossing my arms over my ratty t-shirt that I wore.
He smirked. “Only the ones that I really like. Believe me, girl. If I was nice to you, it means that I don’t like you.”
My parents used to be the same way.
My father always told people that asked him why he teased everybody all of the time that it meant our family liked them. If he was quiet or sweet when he did talk, it meant that he didn’t like somebody. I was the same way, so I couldn’t argue with Josh over it.
“Well…you could still be a little nicer,” I muttered, sinking into my chair.
“You’re no fun,” he replied.
I just shrugged.
What was no fun was feeling like my whole body was shutting down. I knew that tonight was a big deal, and apparently so did my body. If I knew what limp noodles felt like, it was probably this.
Josh got up from the couch. “You know what?” he said, holding out his hand. “I’m going to make you look all shiny and new.”
I groaned. “The last time I got a makeover I looked like a ten cent hooker. I think I’ll pass. Plus, we still have another two hours before we have to leave. Can’t we watch television or something?”
“Or something,” he answered. “The difference between me and whoever did your last makeover, is that I actually have class. You’re going to look sophisticated and sexy. Those are two things no guys can resist.”
“Sophistication is the last thing guys look for.”
He put his hands on his hips, and looked at me like I just said the stupidest thing he’d ever heard.
“How do you know what a man looks for? Do you have the proper appendage to make that assumption? Are you trans? I need to know these things, Blair. If I’m going to give you a makeover. I’m going to need to know what to cover up.”
“I’m not a dude.”
“Then let me explain these thing called fantasies to you,” he began, kneeling down in front of me. “Guys like to think that their wildest fantasies come true, and a very popular fantasy is called the sexy librarian. What are librarians? Sophisticated and shit. So guess what we’re going to make you?”
“A librarian?”
He snorted. “Well, we can. I was thinking more sophisticated. If you want to dress up like a sexy librarian, than go for it. I’m sure you’ll get your man’s attention that way.”
What if Nate didn’t show up? It would make my night so much less stressful if he just bailed on plans. He always did that, so what made a difference now? Maybe he would be held up at work.
The only thing that holds him up at work is women.
Maybe he should come to dinner. I wanted to trust Nate, because without trust there was no foundation to anything more than a civil friendship. It was just hard to overlook his past knowing how many girls he’d been with. It made me look like a virgin, and I’d done some pretty stupid stuff in my day.
Josh cleared his throat. “Are you done creating your own fantasies? We have work to do if we’re going out tonight. I won’t have my date look like a hobo.”
“Hey!”
“Is for horses,” he said nonchalantly. “You are a human being who eats delicious human food. Now get up so I can make you look pretty.”
I glared at him.
“Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to make faces or they would freeze that way?” he questioned.
My mother told me a lot of things, but none of it was ever helpful. I wasn’t going to tell him that though. He didn’t need to know my past. He just needed to know that making me beautiful on the outside wasn’t going to reflect just how empty I was on the inside.
I followed him to the bathroom where Ash kept her makeup and let him do whatever he wanted. I was at the point where my mind was everywhere but worrying about my appearance. If he thought sophistication would get me through tonight, maybe it would work enough to ease the tension tonight.
My phone buzzed.
We need to t
alk.
I stared at Nate’s name. That didn’t sound like a friendly text, which made me even more nervous than I was before.
“Ohhh, is that your man?”
“He’s not mine,” I told Josh, picking up my phone.
“Well not with that attitude,” he agreed, taking a brush through my hair. “Is he sexting you?”
I ignored him.
We’ll see each other later.
Hopefully that would hold him until later.
My phone dinged.
I’m not a fan of audiences.
I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. “He wants to talk to me.”
Josh’s eyes lit up. “Call him!”
“What if it’s bad?”
“You won’t know unless you call.”
I stared at my phone, then looked at Josh through the reflection of the mirror. “I can’t talk to him while you’re in here.”
He snorted. “What if you get tongue tied?”
“Just go in the other room, okay?”
He put down the brush and walked toward the door. He stopped at the doorway and looked back at me. “If I were you, I’d get everything off of my chest now before you walk into something later.”
With that, he walked out of the room.
I dialed Nate, and he picked up on the first ring.
“What game are you playing?” he demanded.
That wasn’t a good way to start a conversation.
“Hello to you too,” I mumbled under my breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t play games.”
“So Aaron telling me that you have a boyfriend is just a lie then?”
Shit.
Aaron couldn’t wait to tell him about Josh, could he? Why did my brother have to be so annoying? If he had a girlfriend it was no big deal, but the moment I have a guy in my life the damn world ends! Why should it matter?
He grumbled. “Clearly your silence is enough of an answer for me. I asked for time, Blair. You should have told me that you didn’t want to wait for me. You should have said something if—”
Blood boiled inside of me. “How is this my fault? You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, Nate. Am I tired of waiting? Sure I am. If you want me enough you should take risks to get me. Instead you ask for time like I’m made of it. You’re not willing to take risks for some stupid ass reason, so you pretend like you’re thinking about us. You’re the one who is playing games. Do you know how upsetting that is to me? I’ve been thinking about what it would be like if we just accepted that we liked each other and told everybody, but it’s you who is too chicken to do it.
“And another thing,” I added, standing up and pacing around the room. “I’m not dating anybody. Once you meet Josh you’ll know that we’re not together. So next time you go bat shit crazy, get you’re facts straight first.”
He was silent for a long moment.
“Your brother must really hate me still.”
“My brother hates the idea of me making my own decisions behind his back,” I corrected him. “My whole life he’s been the one to choose what we do. Every time I make a bad decision, he feels the need to shield me from the next one. You both did that, which is why things are worse now. Nobody can picture me making my own choices because I was never given the chance before. Now that I found somebody that I’m willing to risk things for, he’s refusing to allow it.”
“We only did that because of everything you went through,” he argued.
“Look where that led me though?”
“What’s so bad about now?” he doubted.
He was a complete idiot. “Beside the fact that the guy I’m in love with is considered off limits because of my brother’s disproval?”
I officially told him I loved him.
My stomach twisted. “He’s afraid that you’re going to treat me like shit like Zach did. I know that you think you’re not that different from him, but you are. And there is one thing you and I have in common that would make things so much easier if I could just tell you. I can’t though. It hurts too much to say…to remember.”
“You know you can tell me anything.”
“Do I?” I asked quietly. “I know that I can tell the man I’m dating anything, but I don’t have one of those. You need to make up your mind, because I’m going insane trying to tell myself to wait it out. Sooner or later, I’m going to give up on you, and there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do about it to get me back.”
My voice cracked at the last sentence.
I looked over at the doorway to see Josh standing quietly watching me. He looked proud, but I could tell by the softness of his eyes that he felt bad for me. I was ready to cry, because giving up on Nate was the last thing I wanted to do. Sometimes we had to accept that the things we wanted weren’t worth the pain of fighting for. It was what we needed that was important, and I wasn’t sure that I needed Nate.
“Blair, I…” I could hear the struggle weaved in his words. “Can we talk face to face? We need to clear the air if we’re going to move forward. Talking at dinner won’t be the same if we’re tense.”
“What else is there to say, Nate? You have had so many opportunities to tell me whatever you want, but instead you choose to hold off. Can’t you just tell me now? If you don’t want to be with me because you’re afraid of something bad happening, end it. Tell me that you don’t want us to be together. Give me a chance to move on if that’s what you really want. You know how I feel. You know that I love you.”
Josh came over and wrapped me in a hug.
“We need to discuss this face to face.”
“So you can rip my heart out?” I cried into the phone.
I pulled away from Josh.
“That’s not the reason—”
“Then tell me the real reason you want to talk in person. We’re talking now, so why not just tell me what you have to say before you make excuses again? That’s what you do every single time.”
“Unlock your door,” he told me.
I froze in place.
Josh whispered, “What is it?”
I mouthed, “He’s here.”
Josh grinned. “I’ll get the door!”
I grabbed his arm and shook my head.
“Blair?” he said softly. “Please?”
I put the phone against my chest so the sound would be blocked out.
“You need to hide,” I told Josh.
He looked around. “Where am I supposed to do that? I’m pretty sure the bathroom at work is bigger than this apartment.”
“Just…” I shoved him toward the closet.
He stopped me. “Why am I even hiding? You act like we’re fuck buddies trying to hide from your husband.”
I blushed. “I don’t know.”
He rolled his eyes. “Well how about you answer the door and let me meet the guy. If you want me to leave then I will.”
“It’s not about what I want.”
There was a knock on the door.
I looked at Josh. “Fine. You can meet him, but he’ll probably give you the death glare until you leave.”
He waved his hand in dismissal. “I’ve been through worse than that. One time I was seeing this guy who hadn’t come out to his parents, and his father walked in on us—”
“I don’t want to picture that,” I said cutting him off.
He just smiled and winked.
I walked over to the door with Josh hot on my tail. I hesitated turning the door handle, but when I did my heart melted. Nate was standing behind the door with a single white carnation in his hand, and the phone in the other.
Nate’s eyes weren’t on me though. They were staring at Josh, who stood eagerly behind me staring right back at him.
“Nate,” I said quietly. “This is Josh.”
Josh quickly put his hand out. “Blair has told me so much about you. She failed to mention just how hot you were though.”
Nate looked at me. “Aaron actually believed that he wa
s your boyfriend? The dude is wearing a purple shirt and a freaking bow tie. No offense.”
Josh laughed. “None taken.”
“I think Aaron just wanted to believe I was dating anybody but you. Gay guys aren’t exactly into me, so…guess he was hoping.”
Josh put his arm around my shoulders. “If I were straight, I still wouldn’t go for you, but only because this guy looks like he’d kill anybody who tried.”
Nate ignored Josh. “I thought maybe we could talk privately…”
Josh still had his arm around me. It took him a moment to understand what Nate said.
“Oh.” He pulled his arm away. “I guess this means that I have to leave. So…are we still on for dinner, because I already canceled my plans.”
I rolled my eyes. “You had no plans.”
He sighed. “Sadly, you’re right.”
“I have to meet Sam at the restaurant anyway,” I told him quietly. “And my brother and Katie are probably going to be waiting for us, so we’ll have to go. Meet me back here in like twenty minutes?”
Nate looked at Josh. “Make that an hour.”
Josh’s eyes lit up. “This must be one deep, long conversation.”
My face heated up. “Just go,” I hissed under my breath.
“Just remember,” he said, patting my hand. “Make sure he wears protection. Your life is complicated enough. A baby would make it worse.”
A deep pain formed in my stomach.
Josh walked past Nate, leaving us alone in the apartment. He didn’t notice the frozen state I was in as he left, but Nate did based on his worried expression. As soon as the door was closed behind Josh, Nate grabbed my hand.
“What is it?”
I fought back the tears that welled in my eyes as the pain grew twice as bad in my stomach. It was like I was fifteen again, laying on the table at the doctors. I could remember every single pain that rippled through my body as they began the procedure.
Nate wiped away the few fallen tears. “Blair, what’s wrong?”
It suddenly felt like I was suffocating.
“I remember it,” I whispered, clenching my stomach, and looking at his blurry image.
He led me to the couch. “What do you remember? What did he say that made you so upset? I swear, Blair, if he did something—”
I shook my head. “It’s…” I dropped my head down and stared at the floor.
A Safe Place to Fall (Places Book 1) Page 13