by Leslie Gould
As she followed him out to the buggy a wave of guilt swept over her. Reuben was so trusting. So kind. So good to her. He’d made it possible for her to take care of her grandmother.
And here she was hiding an e-mail from another man. But Zane was her friend. That was all. “Please e-mail me back when you can.”
It wasn’t wrong to receive an e-mail. And it wasn’t as if she’d e-mailed him back.
When they arrived at the farm, Beth was headed up the back stairs with a cardboard box in her hands. She smiled and called out, “Welcome home!”
Lila waved, pleased to see her.
“Do you want to come in?” Lila asked Reuben.
“I’ll carry your things,” he said. “But then I’ll go help your Dat with the milking so Rose doesn’t have to.”
By the time Lila and Reuben came through the back door, Beth had her box unpacked and was slipping a casserole into the oven. A loaf of bread, a salad, and a sheet cake sat on the counter. After Reuben told Beth hello, he turned to Lila and said, “I’ll pick you up for the singing tomorrow.”
“Won’t you stay for supper?” Beth asked.
He shook his head. “After the milking I need to finish cutting an order at the lumberyard.”
“Denki,” Lila said. She wanted to tell him to go on home and leave the milking to Rose, but she was afraid she’d sound bossy in front of Beth.
Reuben told both women good-bye, and then Lila carried her suitcase, book bag, fabric, and sewing basket to her bedroom. Rose was sprawled out on the double bed she shared with Trudy, staring at the ceiling.
“What are you doing?” Lila asked.
Rose turned her head slightly and said, “Oh, you’re back.”
“Where’s Trudy?”
“Playing with Adam. Shani came and got her.” Rose still didn’t move.
“Are you all right?” Lila asked her sister.
“Jah, why do you ask?”
“Because Dat’s getting ready to do the milking, and you’re on your bed.”
Rose sat up on the edge of her bed. “I didn’t realize it was that time already. Can’t you do it? You haven’t for so long.”
Lila frowned and shook her head. “You’re off the hook anyway. Reuben is helping.”
“Oh,” Rose said, her face brightening. “He’s here?”
“He brought me home.” Lila swung her suitcase onto her bed. “Beth’s here too.”
“Jah.” Rose yawned. “I knew she was coming.”
“Why did she bring supper?”
“She wanted to,” Rose answered.
“Because you were complaining about all the work you have to do?” Lila took the e-mail from her book bag and slipped it into her apron pocket.
“Stop,” Rose said. “You didn’t even say hello. You just rushed in here and started criticizing me when you’ve spent the past month resting with Mammi at her house.”
Lila shook her head. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”
Rose sighed. “I’m not made for this.”
“For what?”
“Work.”
Lila rolled her eyes.
“Not work in general,” Rose continued. “But all the milking and cooking and taking care of Trudy. I don’t even have time to think!” Rose bounced on the edge of the bed. “What am I going to do when you marry Reuben and move away? He won’t come anymore to help after that.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“No,” Rose said. “At least not how to make it all work here. I’m going to look for a mother’s helper job. Anything to get away from here.”
Lila bit her tongue from saying that a mother’s helper’s job wouldn’t be any easier than what Rose had been doing, and besides, Trudy needed one of them here as long as possible. Instead she said, “It’s not as if Reuben and I are getting married right away.”
She couldn’t imagine they’d get married before next fall, not even if she joined the church by June. Summer was such a busy time for Dat.
“You’re crazy for stringing him along,” Rose said. “If Reuben was interested in me, I’d join the church and get married as soon as I could. And I’d never have to milk another cow in my life.”
“Do I need to remind you that you’re sixteen?” Lila said. “You’re too young to marry.” Let alone Reuben.
“I happen to be mature for my age,” Rose responded.
Lila almost burst out laughing but then realized her sister was serious. She smiled instead.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Lila said. Obviously Rose had no idea of just how immature she was. It made Lila wonder what she was oblivious to in herself. She remembered a quote by Richard Wright from Native Son, that Zane read in his junior English class, saying that people could “. . . starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread.”
Rose flounced to her feet and then said, dramatically, “Guess I’ll go see if I can help Beth.”
“Has she been coming over much?”
Rose shrugged. “About once a week. Sometimes Dat goes over to her place.”
That was more than Lila had anticipated. “When is Trudy coming home?”
“How about if I go get her and you help Beth?”
“Sure,” Lila responded, sighing as she put her nightgown into her bureau. Sometimes she could understand what Rose was saying. She wasn’t entirely certain she was cut out for this either.
An hour later Reuben came back into the house. Rose hadn’t returned with Trudy yet.
“Your Dat is finishing up.” He smiled. “I just wanted to tell you good-bye again.”
Lila smiled back. “Denki for everything you’ve done today,” she said. “And for doing the milking so I could be with Mammi.”
Reuben nodded. “See you tomorrow.”
After he left, Beth stopped setting the table for a moment to look straight at Lila. “He seems like such a nice young man.”
“Jah,” Lila answered. “He is.”
“Your father certainly respects him,” Beth said.
“Jah . . .”
“Your Dat says the two of you will marry soon.”
Lila felt her face grow warm. She didn’t know Beth well enough to talk about personal matters. “Jah . . .” Lila said again.
“You don’t sound very sure,” Beth commented as she put the last fork in place. She turned her gaze back on Lila, her hazel eyes full of concern.
“I’m tired, that’s all,” Lila answered.
“Well,” Beth said, “I remember being your age and courting a young man that everyone thought I should marry.”
Lila smiled a little. Beth seemed to have a story for every occasion. “What happened?”
“We married.”
Lila met Beth’s gaze. No one had said anything about Beth being a widow. “How did he die?”
“He didn’t. He left me.”
Lila gasped. That was unheard of among the Amish.
Beth nodded. “We’d only been married a couple of months. At first I had no idea where he went, but finally word came through a cousin of mine that he’d moved to the Chicago area and was living Englisch. After about five years he filed for divorce so he could remarry.”
“Did you give it to him?”
Beth wrinkled her nose. “I didn’t have a choice.”
Lila lowered her voice. “Does Dat know?”
Beth smiled as she stepped to the fridge and took out a jar of pickles. “Jah. I told him soon after we met.”
Lila’s face grew even warmer. She couldn’t imagine the conversation Beth had with Dat—but obviously it had gone differently than Lila would have predicted.
After a long pause, Lila asked, “Is your ex-husband still alive?”
Beth nodded.
“Oh,” Lila responded, thinking it wasn’t like Dat to do something as unconventional as striking up a relationship with a divorced woman. Lila certainly didn’t know of anyone who was divorced in their district, and certainly not anyone wh
o was divorced and who had remarried. It wasn’t allowed.
Then again, maybe that was what Dat wanted—companionship but not marriage.
Lila wasn’t sure why Beth had shared her story. Surely it wasn’t because she thought Reuben might leave Lila. She couldn’t think of a more ludicrous situation than that. “Did you love your husband?” Lila asked.
Beth placed the jar on the table and then faced Lila again, her arms crossed. “I thought I would come to love him. That’s what my parents told me. And I’m guessing that’s what his family told him—if he even asked. We were taught to make a commitment. To respect each other. All of that.”
Lila nodded.
“I never would have left him,” Beth said. “Ever. Even if I never felt an ounce of love along with all that commitment. But he had a different level of tolerance than I did. In retrospect, I wish our parents would have advised us to wait another year. Until we were a little older. Until we’d spent more time together. We never really connected, not in an emotional way.”
Lila’s face grew warm. “Reuben and I have known each other since we were children,” Lila said. And then she added, wanting to change the subject, “I’m surprised your district allowed you to teach.”
“Well, they didn’t. But several years later I moved to an aunt and uncle’s district, with a more sympathetic bishop.” She hesitated a moment and then said, “I had a few bad years—I can tell you that. But after a time I was thankful for what happened to me. It taught me compassion.”
Lila pursed her lips together, wondering if Beth realized that Dat was short on that particular virtue. As she turned to the stove to pull her thoughts together, Trudy burst through the door. “I got to see Zane!”
Lila’s hand flew through her throat, but when she realized Beth was watching her she reached for Trudy’s hand. “On Skype?”
Trudy nodded. “He was wearing his uniform. The camouflage one.”
Rose stepped into the kitchen. “He has a beard,” she said and then grinned. “He looks great. All tanned. His hair has these gold tints. So does his beard.” She laughed. “It’s so funny. He doesn’t have a mustache though. It looks like an Amish beard.”
“Why does he have a beard at all?” Lila asked. It didn’t seem right for a soldier.
“Joel said it’s because he’s on a special assignment. They want them to have beards because the Afghan men do.”
Bewildered, Lila continued with her questions. “Did Shani know they were going to Skype?” Lila couldn’t imagine Shani setting it up while Trudy was visiting.
“No,” Trudy said. “Zane called on his phone as he was trying to get through on the computer. Shani opened up her laptop, clicked on something, and there he was.”
“He was only on base for a few hours,” Rose explained. “He was headed back to the mountains.”
“How did he seem?”
“Gut. Excited about what he’s doing.”
Lila was glad he was satisfied with his work, but for someone who had once considered pacifism it seemed to be a strange shift for him to be enjoying his time in the Army. She sighed. But maybe that had all changed. She patted the e-mail in her pocket. Maybe he changed even since he’d written to her.
“It’s not like they’re shooting people,” Rose said. “Joel said they’re helping families, whole tribes. Getting them clean water and safer cookstoves. Working with the women so they can take better care of their families.”
Relief rushed through Lila. No wonder Zane was excited about his work. It was perfect for him.
Lila had forgotten all about Beth being in the kitchen, but now she glanced at the woman, self-conscious. Beth was watching her. “Zane is our Englisch neighbors’ son,” Lila explained. “We grew up together.”
Beth nodded, a little too knowingly. “Your father mentioned him.” The woman turned to the refrigerator and took out a pitcher of rhubarb punch.
“Go wash up,” Lila said to Trudy. “Dat should be in soon.”
Rose followed her sister down the hall.
“Zane must be a good friend,” Beth said as she stirred the punch.
Lila shook her head. “He was a good friend.”
Beth smiled. “You can’t end a friendshoft—not if you still care.”
Lila didn’t answer. She did still care. But one had to communicate to have a friendship. She patted her pocket again. Zane had reached out to her. But what purpose would it serve to return his e-mail? Knowing he was doing well—and in relatively little danger—helped her resolve not to communicate with him. Maybe she wasn’t in love with Reuben per se, but they did respect each other. And they were committed to each other. They were nothing like Beth and her husband. Although Beth’s comment about not connecting emotionally did nag at Lila. . . .
She shifted her thoughts. Zane was all right. Maybe he was lonely and needed a friend, but he was fine.
And she would be too, with time.
Two weeks later Lila worked in the shop while Shani and Eve stitched Zane’s quilt in the back room. Mammi was doing well enough to help a little. Lila listened to their murmurs between waiting on customers. Today she’d work all day, and tomorrow she had church and then her membership class. She yawned, tired from working the night before at the Plain Buffet and then getting up early to help with the milking. As she covered her mouth, the front bell rang. Lila turned toward the door.
Beth appeared, taking off her black bonnet. “Hallo,” she said and then smiled. “Your Dat said you’d be working today.”
“Hi,” Lila said, surprised to see her. “What brings you this way?”
“I’m working on a quilt and needed more batting.”
Lila pointed at the far wall and started toward it. “I’ll show you what we have.”
“I also wanted to speak with you,” Beth said.
“Oh?” That was the last thing Lila wanted. More serious talk with a woman she didn’t even know, especially when three women she knew very well were in the next room.
“I’m afraid I shared too much when we spoke about my brief marriage.”
“It was fine,” Lila said.
“I certainly didn’t mean to insinuate that there are any similarities between our lives.”
“No, I didn’t gather that at all,” Lila answered.
“And your father said again, later that night”—the two of them had visited in the living room while the girls retreated to their room—“how pleased he is that you and Reuben are courting.”
Lila nodded.
“I didn’t tell your father this, but I couldn’t help but notice the expression on your face when your sisters mentioned the neighbor boy.”
Lila inhaled sharply. “His mother is here today. Along with my grandmother and Aenti.” She took Beth’s arm, determined to stop the conversation about Zane. “I’d like to introduce you to them.”
As they entered the room she made eye contact with her grandmother. “Mammi, I’d like you to meet Trudy’s teacher.”
“Oh, goodness,” Mammi said, standing. “The famous Beth.”
The woman laughed. “Perhaps infamous.”
“Trudy has told me so much about you,” Mammi said, shaking her hand. “It’s a privilege to get to meet you. What a wonderful surprise.”
“And this is my Aenti.” Lila pointed toward Eve. “And Shani, our neighbor.”
“I’m so pleased to meet everyone,” Beth said. “Trudy has told me about all of you—not to make you uncomfortable or anything.”
Eve laughed. “I’m a teacher too. I know how this works.”
“Right,” Beth responded. “I tell parents I won’t believe everything their student says about home as long as they—”
Eve interrupted her. “Don’t believe everything the student says about school.”
They both laughed.
Beth smiled again. “But honestly, Trudy’s said wonderful things about all of you. I can tell she’s a well-loved child.”
Everyone agreed that Trudy was well support
ed, and silently Lila confirmed that everything Trudy said about home was probably true. As much as Beth had been around their home in the past month, she must have seen the dysfunction of their family firsthand. Although there wasn’t as much drama now with Simon gone.
“What are you working on?” Beth asked, stepping toward Zane’s red, white, and blue quilt.
“It’s for my son,” Shani said.
“The one in Afghanistan?”
Shani nodded.
“How wonderful,” Beth said, touching the topper. “Trudy’s told me about him too.” She glanced toward Lila but didn’t say anything. “I have some extra time today. May I help?”
“Sure,” Shani answered, nodding toward a folding chair leaning against the wall.
The door chimed and Lila hurried back out to the shop, thankful to have evaded Beth’s questions. The woman was nosy, but besides that she liked her. She seemed to have a keen sense of intuition—except for maybe when it came to Dat. Perhaps she was blind, once again, to a bad relationship.
Beth’s story about her marriage made Lila think about her parents and their first years together. She knew her parents didn’t always agree—but she also knew her father adored her mother and loved her deeply. Her death had wounded him to his core.
Lila continued to work as the other women quilted. Between customers she’d pop into the quilting room. One time Shani was talking about Zane. Another time Eve spoke about her classroom and how much joy the children brought her. Lila was certain her aunt wanted children but hadn’t been able to have them yet. Dat would say God was punishing her for having an Englisch boyfriend during her Rumschpringe and then leaving the church for good and marrying Charlie. But Lila was sure God didn’t work that way. Instead, she was certain he had other plans for Eve and Charlie.
The last time Lila stepped into the quilting room, Beth was gathering up her things. “This has been delightful,” she said. “Do you quilt every Saturday morning?”
“Jah,” Mammi said. “Please join us again. We’d all like that.”
Aenti Eve and Shani nodded in agreement.
Lila walked Beth through the shop.