by Leslie Gould
He nodded.
“Are you dating Casey?”
“What do you know about Casey?” he asked.
Her face grew warm, even in the cool air. “Mandy showed me her picture.”
“On Facebook?”
“Jah . . .”
“I see,” he said. “So you’ve been stalking me.” He stepped off the bricks and back onto the sidewalk.
Lila smiled, relieved to hear the teasing in his voice. “No, but Mandy has. Then again, I didn’t refuse to look when she thrust her phone in my face.”
“So you’re pleading innocent?”
“Guilty by association,” she countered.
“Well, now that you’ve admitted guilt, I’ll answer the question. In that last post, if I remember right, Casey wrote something about me being a friend, right?”
“‘The best friend,’ to be exact,” Lila answered.
“There you have it.” He stopped walking. So did Lila. “I’ve been a better friend to Casey than I was to you,” he said.
Lila tried to ignore a twinge of jealousy. “How come?”
“I learned my lesson more than three years ago,” he said. “I was a jerk, that night before I joined the Army. Making a decision like that just shows how stupid I was.”
Or how much she’d hurt him. She’d been the one who told him to go as far away as possible.
“Is that the only reason you’ve been a good friend to Casey?” Lila asked, aware of the teasing in her voice now, partly fueled by him admitting how stupidly he’d acted.
He cocked his head. “Actually, no. The truth is, I was never interested in being more than a friend to Casey.” He gazed down at her. “But you’re right. Only wanting to be a friend does make it easier to be one.”
He motioned over to a low cement wall. “Mind if we sit again?”
“Of course not.” She led the way.
Once they were settled, he said, “Can I ask you again?”
She knew but she asked anyway. “What?”
“Whom do you love, Lila Lehman?”
Her heart contracted. She was tempted to be honest this time, but she couldn’t. “I can’t tell you. I can’t say it out loud.” Her leg accidentally bumped against his, and she moved it away quickly. But then he scooted closer and, although she wanted to put her head on his good shoulder, she didn’t. They sat quietly.
“I think you know,” she finally whispered.
Their eyes locked, and his filled with tears. He understood. “I tried not to,” she said. “And I’m still trying because no good can come of it.”
He took her hand then and leaned closer to her. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing along his neck. His voice broke a little as he asked, “What’s to become of us?”
“What can become of us?” she answered.
“So you think it’s hopeless?”
She shrugged, but she did think it was hopeless. Her being honest didn’t change their circumstances.
“Fifty percent hopeless?” he tried to tease. “Eighty per cent?”
“Don’t ask me,” she answered. “Ask God.”
“I have, believe me. Relentlessly. He’s tired of me, I’m sure.”
“No,” Lila responded. “Never.”
Zane shook his head. “Simon said we just need to take it step-by-step.”
“Ah, Simon the wise one. Offering relationship advice now, is he?” Lila tried to smile.
“Seems that way,” Zane said. “Who would have ever thought?” He grinned, but then it quickly faded. “But he’s wrong. You deserve a nice Amish boy. Reuben would have been perfect.”
“Stop it,” she said, glaring at him. “I’m finally honest with you and that’s how you react.”
He exhaled as he squeezed her hand. “I’ll try not to overthink things right now. I’ll try to take each day as it is. As long as you’re willing to at least be my friend.”
She nodded. “I’ll do the same.” Sensing someone nearby, she turned her head. Behind them, on a bench, were Daniel and Jenny. “Look who’s watching us.” She let go of Zane’s hand. He slid off the wall and helped her stand. “They won’t tell,” she said.
“Sibling confidentiality and all of that?” he asked. It used to be a joke between all of them. But they always held to it. Although in his case it had been neighbor confidentiality.
She nodded as she straightened her apron. “Simon told me I was a fool if I didn’t come to talk to you. He’s on our side.”
“What about Daniel?” Zane asked.
“He doesn’t want me to leave the church—but . . . Let’s just say he’s ambivalent,” Lila answered as she started toward Daniel and Jenny, still looking at Zane. “Step-by-step, it is.”
Zane grinned. It was good to see him smile again.
The mid-September day had grown warm, and Lila wiped her brow with her forearm. Then she pulled the two roasters seasoned with rosemary from the hot oven. She set them on top of the stove to stay warm while she mashed the potatoes. Jenny and Daniel were coming to dinner, along with Monika and Gideon. Thank goodness Beth was coming too. Lila hadn’t spent any time around Gideon and Monika, outside of church, since she’d stopped courting Reuben.
Lila wasn’t worried about Monika. She’d get over it. But she didn’t want Gideon to get involved, to feel as if he needed to guide her back to marrying his son.
Rose came in from helping with the milking, mud splattered on her work dress.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Cooking . . .” Lila answered. The rolls were ready to put in the oven. Two blueberry pies sat on the counter.
“You were humming,” Rose said.
“I was?”
“I haven’t heard you hum in . . . years.”
“Oh.” Lila slid the rolls into the oven. “What was I humming?”
“‘I’m in the Lord’s Army.’”
Lila suppressed a laugh and grabbed the potholders. She hadn’t thought of that song in years. “Be still, and know that I am God” and “I’m in the Lord’s Army” had a similar theme. Both demanded a day-by-day trust in him. “Go get changed so you can help get dinner on the table. Everyone should be here soon.”
Rose dipped her finger in the whipped cream that Lila hadn’t put in the fridge yet. “I hope your hands are cleaned,” Lila said.
“Just washed them,” Rose retorted as she stuck her finger in her mouth and headed for the hall.
Lila shook her head, drained the potatoes, put the pan back on the stove, and then put the whipped cream in the fridge.
She dumped butter in the potatoes, added milk, and began to mash them as Trudy came in through the back door. “Wash up and set the table,” Lila instructed.
Her little sister skipped on down the hall, and Lila realized she was humming again. It struck her that she was happy—and that she hadn’t been for a long time. And she also knew why. Her nightly phone calls.
Dat didn’t know it, but Zane called her every night at ten p.m.
A knock fell on the open back door, and then Beth called out, “I’m here.”
“Come on in.” Lila still didn’t understand what Beth gained in her friendship with Dat, but it was comforting to have her around. Dat interacted more with all of them when she visited, plus he was better behaved. Not that he was horrible when she wasn’t around. He just wasn’t always responsive. And when he was it was usually a harsh response, unless it was to Trudy.
Beth set the salad she’d brought on the counter. “Smells delicious,” she said, lifting the foil to peek at the chickens as Trudy came into the room. Beth gave the girl a hug, asking as she did, “What can I do to help?”
“Set the table with Trudy,” Lila said.
Monika and Gideon arrived next, and Daniel and Jenny were the last to arrive. “I keep miscalculating how long it takes in the buggy,” Daniel joked.
“You’ll get used to it again, soon enough,” Gideon answered. Lila couldn’t imagine Gideon with a car. But then again, he certainly
might have owned one once. In a few years Daniel could be a deacon or even a bishop.
The conversation revolved around the wedding as they ate. Daniel and Jenny’s wedding would be announced at church in a month, but the planning needed to start before then. The wedding would be held at Monika and Gideon’s. It would easily accommodate everyone. “We’ll rent one of the kitchen wagons,” Monika said. “To give us more stoves to work on.”
Jenny asked Lila to be one of her witnesses at the wedding. “I’d like that,” Lila said. For a moment she felt a pang of sadness. Simon wouldn’t be able to sit with Daniel. She wasn’t sure if he’d come to the wedding at all.
Then Jenny asked Rose to sit with her too. Rose was ecstatic. “Who will sit with you?” Rose asked Daniel.
“Reuben, for sure,” he answered, keeping his eyes on Rose. Lila had only seen Reuben at a distance, at church. She knew he was avoiding her, and she didn’t blame him. But she was sure they could get along for Jenny and Daniel’s sake.
The conversation continued. As Lila cleared the table, Beth grabbed a pen and paper to take notes. Monika walked to the mud porch and came back with a binder. “This is what I used for the older girls,” she said. “I kept lots of notes.”
They discussed who would be asked to be the cooks and the servers. Who would care for the horses. What the menu would be for dinner and then for supper.
Lila served the pies while everyone else went over the details. Inside her head she started humming again. She was happy, but she wasn’t entirely sure why. Nothing was settled between her and Zane. She couldn’t ask him to join the church. It would be so much easier for her to leave, yet she would never do it. She had committed herself to her church and community. It would break Dat’s heart for her to go against her vow.
She served Monika first, then Beth. It did no good to think about Zane and her future. It made her think of her crazy quilt, which was now halfway done. She had no idea how all of the pieces would stitch together—she just had to trust they would.
By the time they’d completed the items on Monika’s list, everyone was finished with their dessert. Jenny and Daniel left first. Beth settled on the couch with Trudy to read her a bedtime story, and Dat sat in his chair. Lila could tell he was listening to the story even though he didn’t say anything.
“Help me with the dishes,” Lila said to Rose.
“I’ll help,” Monika said.
Gideon cleared his throat and said to Lila, “Could I talk with you a moment?” He nodded toward the back door. She followed him through the mud porch and down the steps, afraid maybe she’d misjudged him. Maybe he was going to scold her after all.
He put his hat on his head and then stopped in the driveway and turned toward her. “How are you doing?” He tugged on his beard, flecked with gray, as he spoke.
Her face grew warm. “Gut. I have no complaints.”
He smiled a little. “I don’t expect you to share your heart with me, but I just wanted to let you know that although I’m sad for Reuben I believe you’ve done the right thing. There’s no blame or shame. Reuben will find the right person, and you will find the right person too. There’s no reason for despair.”
“Denki,” she said.
He crossed his arms. “Is it hard for you to be around Jenny and Daniel, as they’re planning their wedding?”
“No,” she answered. “I couldn’t be happier for them.”
“That’s gut to hear,” Gideon said. “In fact, that helps to confirm that you did, indeed, do the right thing.” He nodded at her then, as if to release her. “Denki,” he said. “For answering my questions.”
Relieved that he hadn’t asked any more, Lila headed back up the steps. It was nearly seven thirty. In less than three hours she’d be talking to Zane.
Lila checked one more time to make sure Rose and Trudy were both asleep before she grabbed the flashlight off the mud-porch shelf and snuck out the back door. Dat seldom stayed up later than nine anymore. At forty-six, getting up at four every morning was catching up with him.
She kept the flashlight off. The sky was clear, the moon nearly full, and the stars super bright. The temperature had dropped when the sun set, and the crisp air was filled with woodsmoke. When she reached the barn, she flicked the flashlight on and made her way to Dat’s office. She only waited a minute until the phone rang.
“Hallo, Zane,” she answered.
“Gotcha.” Her heart raced until she realized who it was.
“Simon! What are you doing?”
“Messing with you.” He laughed.
“Good-bye,” she said, her hand on the receiver.
“No, wait. I know you’re expecting a call.” He laughed again. “But I just wanted to say hello and see how everyone is doing.”
“Fine.”
“How are you and you-know-who doing?”
Lila turned toward the wall. “Obviously you’ve talked to him.”
“Yep. But I wanted your perspective.”
“Why would I share it with you?”
“Come on, Lila. Give me a break.”
She put her free hand on her hip. “We’ve been talking . . .”
“I know that.”
“And if you don’t hang up, I’m going to hang up on you.”
“That desperate to talk to your sweetheart, huh?”
She didn’t reply.
“Okay,” he said. “I’m going. Give me a call sometime when you’re not busy. I really do want to know how everyone is.”
“Bye,” she said and hit the receiver. Surely Zane would call back if he’d gotten a busy signal.
She sat down in the desk chair and only waited another minute until the phone rang again. This time it was Zane. After talking about their days, Zane told her he’d had an e-mail from Casey and that the new translator was working out really well.
“What a relief,” Lila said.
“Jah,” Zane answered. “Casey said Sarge thinks I’ll be reassigned to an office job.”
“Back in Texas?” Her heart fell.
“That’s right. But it will just be until next June.”
“Will you come home first?”
“Of course,” he said. “I should have two weeks of leave before I report back to the unit.”
“Can you come back for Daniel’s wedding?”
“I hope so,” he answered. “I’ll do my best.”
“Getting Casey’s e-mail changes everything,” he said. “I was actually considering filing for conscientious objector status if I had to go back to Afghanistan.”
She drew in a sharp breath. She didn’t know what all that would entail, but she could imagine how Joel might react. It sounded as if it would be a complicated situation.
“I honestly don’t think I can shoot a weapon again, not at a person. Not even to defend myself. And if I couldn’t, I’d have no business going back. If I froze I could get my whole team killed.”
“Then, thank God that won’t happen.” He’d get himself killed too.
The topic shifted to Mammi and Dawdi. “Rose, Trudy, and I are going to go see them tomorrow.” She hadn’t been working at the quilt shop as often because Mammi was done with chemo and able to take a few shifts a week now. Her prognosis looked good.
Finally, close to midnight, Lila said she should let him go. “We both need to get some sleep,” she said. The next day was Saturday, but that didn’t matter with her schedule. She was always up early. Hopefully Zane would be able to sleep in.
“Oh, man,” he said. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.” She rested her head on her free hand. “I’d rather talk than sleep.”
“Me too,” he said.
“But you need your rest, to heal.”
“I need you,” he said, “to heal.”
Her heart stopped for a moment, and she wasn’t sure how to respond so she didn’t say anything.
He groaned. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. Don�
��t apologize.”
“I’m always saying the wrong thing to you,” he said.
Neither of them seemed to know the right things to say.
After they said their good-nights, Lila slipped back into the house, put the flashlight away, and then headed to the pitch-black hallway, her heart pounding. She stopped at the bedroom door. Zane needed her, but in a different way than everyone else needed her. He didn’t need her to cook or do laundry. Not that she minded, but anyone could do those jobs.
Zane needed her because he loved her. And she needed him for the same reason.
The door creaked open in the darkness and Lila slammed her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming until someone said, “What are you doing?”
Lila managed to hiss, “Rose! What are you doing?”
“Going to the bathroom.” Her sleepy sister slipped past her. Hopefully she wouldn’t remember in the morning that Lila hadn’t gone to bed until after midnight.
After they’d cleaned up after breakfast the three girls headed toward Mammi’s and Dawdi’s house. Lila still hadn’t told them that she stopped courting Reuben. She didn’t want to face her grandparents’ disappointment too—but she would today.
When they arrived, Aenti Eve was just pulling up.
“Are you quilting today?” Lila asked as she stepped down from the buggy.
“No,” Eve said, closing her car door. “I just brought your grandmother a spinach and black bean salad.”
“Goodness,” Lila said. “Thanks for helping to keep her healthy.”
Eve grinned. “I’ll give you some recipes for your Dat.”
Lila laughed. “Right.” Dat would never eat anything like that.
After they all hugged Mammi and had settled down in the living room, the conversation flitted from one thing to another. “How is Zane doing?” Mammi asked Eve.
“I think all right. Shani talks to him every couple of days. She said he seems to be doing better emotionally.”
Lila shifted in her chair, tried to breath evenly, and avoided looking at Rose.
“Have they been to see him?” Mammi asked.
“A couple of times,” Eve answered. “He hasn’t wanted them to visit much.”
“How odd,” Mammi said.
“Lila can tell you all about Zane. She went to see him with Daniel and Jenny.” The volume of Rose’s voice rose with each word. “And I don’t know the details, but she was up late last night, I’m guessing talking to someone.”