A Billy or a Dan, or an Old Tin Can

by Paul Kelly

  “Yes but come in only if it is important. I’m interviewing at the moment. Oh! Willie Blair what have you come back for, may I ask?”

  “Please Miss Do you want me to stay with Craigie?” he asked quietly and Miss Carson looked at him in surprise as she slowly raised her glasses to her forehead.

  “And what super intelligence do we have here then?” she enquired, “Don’t you think I can manage to conduct an interview on my own?” she barked and wiped her eyes as she spoke.

  Willie swallowed hard and he could feel the colour coming into his cheeks.

  “Well no Miss but he stutters, you see and I understand him better than some of the others, that’s all.”

  The Head Teacher drew in her breath and let her spectacles fall down the bridge of her nose, catching them before they slid from her face.

  “Thank you, Mr. Blair, but I think we will manage” she said with an exasperated tone and Willie turned to leave the room, closing the door quietly behind him and leaving Craigie to get his interview without an interpreter, but Willie wondered how the hell she would manage to get Craigie to answer, like shit off a shovel as she had done from him.

  “Next.” ... “Next”.

  The boys went in, one after another.

  Alexander Munro, or Ackie as his friends called him, peered gingerly into the Headmistress’s office for a foretaste of what was to come.

  “Well, come in boy I won’t eat you,” she growled, but Ackie had his doubts as he sheepishly made his entry into the Lion’s den and closed the door behind him.

  “She’s a bit of an old battle-axe,” said Willie as he threw out his chest, to let everyone see, that she was indeed what he said she was but that he had mastered her.

  “She’s a bit of an old battle-axe, Craigie isn’t she?” said Wattie who repeated everything Willie ever said and he would say it as if it was an original statement but always looked to Willie for approval and Ackie had been attacked by the boys when he had come out from the interview and all because the Headmistress had liked his name and he was beginning to wish he hadn’t said anything about the conversation that went on in the Headmistress’s room

  “That’s a lovely name,” he remembered her saying “Alexander Alexander. Yes, there’s power and strength in that name. It’s a royal name, a distinctive name. Do you realize that, boy? What was your father’s name, Laddie?” she had asked, leaning across her desk with a smile on her face, but Ackie couldn’t answer. He didn’t know his father’s name He didn’t even know his father.

  “I think I’m a bastard, Miss,” he answered meekly and bit his lip, as Miss Carson’s eye twitched again when she realized that she had enquired too deeply into that subject and got her hankie ready for the sweat mopping, as she changed the subject and ushered Ackie from the office, post haste, whilst Wattie put his hand on his hip and did a twirl in his corporation boots, disturbing the damp grass and making a squelching noise as he moved. He fluttered his eyelashes and touched Ackie on the shoulder. “Oh yes, I like it I really do like it. I think Alexander is a sweet little name,” he mimicked and coughed harshly as Ackie, unexpectedly dug his fist into his friend’s ribs and the rest of the pupils collected their books, as the school bell rang out, announcing the end of the scholastic day and they all went home.

  “Quite a few nice wee lassies at that school,” Willie remarked on his way home as a little blonde girl walked in front of him and Ackie approved and began to whistle whilst Wattie spoke as though he had never heard Willie’s remarks in the first place.

  “Quite a few nice wee lassies here, are there no’ Willie,” he said, parrot-fashion with an air of manhood and authority for his thirteen and a half years. “Yes,” he said again, “I’d say there were quite a few nice wee lassies here,” and he lengthened his step to keep up with Willie.

  ***

  Willie’s mother was a lady who never had idle hands. She wore an apron from dawn to dusk but she was a happy woman and her greatest pride was in her five children. Life was rich for the Blair family in the love and companionship they had with each other and in the loyalty and fortitude in which they had been brought up. These were qualities of which Mary Blair was justly proud. There was character and there was devotion but they had very little else. They loved and they fought they laughed and they cried together all six of them under the one small roof of their first floor dwelling in the tenement building in the Gorbals district of Glasgow, which only allowed for the meagre comfort of necessities and there was nothing superfluous. Aggie was the eldest; a handsome girl of twenty, who worked at the lemonade factory from eight till six, from Monday to Friday and did night work occasionally when the money was short. She helped her mother with the house chores when she wasn’t working at the factory and was never known to take time off for herself in the evenings or at weekends. She was quite tall for her age, with brown hair and deep, dark set eyes, which gave her fair skin an alabaster appearance and she never wore make-up. Sadie, the next in line considered herself to be the beauty of the family, with dreams of being a film star and who also helped in the home when she wasn’t resting from her activities with the local drama club. Sadie was two years younger than Aggie and a little shorter in stature. She always kept her brown hair short; the better to use the wigs that she was required to wear for her many parts in the theatre. She was attractive Yes, she was quite beautiful, but the picture Sadie painted of herself, was to say the least ...a little exaggerated, however the rest of the family knew Sadie well. They knew that she had a good heart, but there was always a niggling worry to Mary Blair about her second eldest daughter ... somewhere at the back of her mind. Sadie hoped to have an interview soon for a job at the fish factory in Govan Road; the depot where they smoked the kippers, after the fish came in from Seahouses and the fishing ports of Northumberland, even though she hated the smell of fish. You see, Sadie had heard somewhere that the fumes from the smoked kippers was good for your skin and that it kept the skin fresh and supple however, whoever told her that omitted to add that you should never pass wind in company and the same fumes certainly did the eyes no favours, but then Sadie had fresh cucumbers handy and could revitalize her optics, if ever the occasion arose. Charlie and Meggie were twins. They were sixteen years of age, but not identical. Charlie was a handsome, strapping blonde, blue-eyed youth, who worked as a hod carrier on a local building site and Meggie worked in an office in the High Street. She was petite and resembled her mother more than the other girls. Willie was approaching his fourteenth year and just entering into manhood. He liked to think and he was the apple of his mammy’s eye being the living image of his father, or so Mary announced at the moment of his birth and he was given his father’s name at baptism.

  ***

  “How was school then?” Mary Blair enquired of her beloved son, her youngest offspring, as he slung his school bag over the back of a chair in the living room and made a swift exit for the kitchen.

  “Awright,” he answered, but his voice was anything but enthusiastic as he started to rummage through the kitchen cupboards, trying to be as quiet as he could, but dropping things everywhere to the floor as he went.

  “Was your new teacher nice Willie?”

  “Aye No’ bad,” he said softly and still continued in his search.

  “What are you looking for?” Aggie enquired and he answered her without even looking at her.

  “Nothin’ ... nothin’ at all, that’s what.”

  Aggie’s face took on a blank expression.

  “Well ...you won’t find ‘nothin’ in there.” she said.

  “Found it,” Willie exclaimed with glee and put a small sauce bottle into his trouser pocket, just as Charlie came into the room, chuckling with delight having seen the secret transaction.

  “Hi, Mammy,” he shouted, “Our Willie needs a wee bottle to pee in,”

  There was silence in the kitchen for a few s
econds after that cryptic announcement until Willie rushed out, passing Charlie with a look of fury on his face. “It’s your medical tomorrow, isn’t it?” Charlie shouted after his brother, but Willie glared at him for a few moments, unable to believe what he was hearing.

  “The Headmistress says we should take a wee bottle in to school tomorrow that’s all,” said Willie but he hadn’t bargained for his mother’s naiveté.

  “Aye that’ll be to pee in Son,” she said as she looked on in total innocence and silence prevailed for a short time after, until Charlie started to make hollow noises with his tongue around the inside of his mouth and his eyes rolled as he stared at the ceiling and a smile crept over his lips.

  “Oh! Mammy, he could hardly shit in it, could he?” he said and burst into a fit of laughter.

  Willie’s face turned the colour of beetroot as he dragged Charlie into the living room and they began to wrestle on the floor, with Mary and Aggie doing what they could to separate them. Charlie dusted himself down and Willie retired to the bedroom with a quivering lip.

  “Goodnight Mammy I’m havin’ an early night,” he grunted, “I want to get to sleep before that big bugger comes up to bed and gives me any more of his bloody sarcasm. The jealous b....” he was about to conclude, but Mary stopped her youngest son before he could get the word out and Charlie followed Willie to the bedroom door.

  “He’ll ask you to cough, you know, Willie,” Charlie said sharply and with a knowing voice.

  Willie stared back at his older brother in anger, but his curiosity got the better of him.

  “Why? Why will he ask me to cough, smart-ass?” he asked and Charlie grinned again. He had a mischievous glint in his eye.

  “Just to see if all yer bits are in the right place Stupid that’s why,” he replied and Willie blinked back a tear in his confusion.

  “What bits?” he asked quietly.

  Charlie tickled his brother where he knew it would have effect.

  “You’ll see ... you’ll see,” he giggled, “Goodnight or rather should I say good evening, Willie It’s only just after six o’clock.”

  “GOODNIGHT STINKER,” shouted Willie and banged the bedroom door behind him after he went in.

  ***

  Later that same evening as Charlie was getting undressed to get into bed and Willie was pretending to be asleep, the bed creaked and Charlie flopped on to it with a weary sigh.

  He pushed his rump against Willie in the hope that his brother might move over a little and give him more room and a fairer share of the blankets, but Willie held on tightly and wouldn’t let go.

  “Are you asleep Willie?” asked Charlie, but there was no answer only a faint snore.

  “Willie I’m freezing. I need some more of these blankets over me, you’re like a bloody whale you’ve copped the lot.”

  Charlie waited for some sort of reply, but none came.

  “Are you asleep Willie?”

  “Yes and I’ve been asleep for hours,” came a tired voice from under the blankets and Charlie turned in the bed and pulled the blankets with him.

  “You mustn’t be so touchy Willie all doctors ask those questions all MALE doctors, that is...” he added softly and waited for a reply, but only a second later, Willie jumped up from where he had been lying so peacefully.

  “Male doctors ...men, you mean? Oh! God, it wouldn’t be a woman, would it?” he asked in despair as Charlie stuffed the sheets into his mouth to stem the laughter.

  “Well it has been known ...After all, there are girls at your school, you know and how do you think they would feel if a male doctor had to examine them, eh?” he asked and Willie lay rigidly still as he thought

  “Would the girls have to take a wee bottle too,” he asked timidly.

  “Guess so everybody has to pee, you know.”

  “But ... but Charlie what about ... what about their bits ... How would that doctor know if they were all in the right place?”

  Charlie pulled the blankets around him and tucked them in, leaving Willie with only the sheets.

  “Oh! He’d know alright because that’s what doctors are trained for,” he replied and Willie shivered, but he was afraid to take the blankets back.

  “Charlie, Charlie,” he called out again in the dark, but the only response he got was a loud, resonant snore.

  Chapter Two

  The new boys of St. Bonaventure’s lined up for their medical and Wattie stayed as close as he could to his friend Willie, who clutched his sauce bottle in the depth of his trouser pocket, afraid that it might be seen by the rude and scoffing multitude that surrounded him in the vast playground.

  “Got yer hand on it, ah see,Willie,” Ackie quipped and Willie immediately withdrew his fist as he blushed a little, but his responsive action did not resolve the situation.

  “What is that?” enquired Wattie with surprise as he peered more carefully through his thick glasses to study the bulge in Willie’s pants.

  “Shut it, Wattie. You should be at the other end of the line anyway. It’s alphabetical and you’re ‘W’ so buzz off.”

  Wattie tripped off down the line as Willie had instructed, but his amazement was profound.

  ***

  After the usual questions, the doctor examined Willie and just as Charlie had prophesied, he had to cough.

  “And again ...”

  Willie coughed a second time and with much more zeal, but he winced as the doctor suddenly shot his cold finger into his groin and muttered something under his breath. He had difficulty hearing what the medical man said and after a repeat utterance, which was no more comprehensible than the first, Willie left the medical room, leaving his sauce bottle on the table, with his name written in large letters on the side and with only the faintest recollection of one word that the doctor had said. He had never heard it before but he needn’t have worried. The doctor leaned down towards Willie as he was leaving the room and whispered something in his ear; a word that Willie kept repeating the word to himself so that he would remember it when he got home and could look it up in the dictionary, because what the doctor had whispered to him, didn’t make much sense either. Meanwhile Wattie followed into the medical room with an air of confidence that brought a smile to the doctor’s face, as the boy put his plastic carrier bag down carefully on the floor, before he brought his lemonade bottle from it, like a magician, producing a rabbit from a hat. His satisfied expression brought another smile to the doctor’s lips.

  “Wipe your nose laddie ... that’s a good boy.”

  ***

  The chatter in the playground that day was, of course, all about the medical examinations, with all its required do’s and don’ts. Craigie was pleased that there was a good possibility for him to attend a speech therapist and Wattie could have another eye test and had been recommended to use some cream or other that would reduce the redness and the soreness in his eyes. Ackie was told he had flat feet. .

  Willie was the only one who hadn’t been given any further recommendations of treatment, but he was still worried about that word, that the doctor had whispered in his ear as he was leaving the medical room. He reflected that the girls were to have their medical the following day and that thought amused him to distract his immediate and worrying concern.

  “I wonder how they’ll manage to pee in a wee bottle,” gulped Wattie as he sniffed complacently and the other boys laughed and some made rude remarks about the incident in question, but Willie didn’t hear anything. His worry had returned to him as he made his way home, without wasting any time, immediately the four o’clock bell was sounded.

  Maybe he had something seriously wrong with him, he thought ...Maybe he didn’t have long to live, he considered as he touched his heart to ensure that it was still beating ... Maybe ...

  Willie met Meggie who had been doing some after school shopping f
or Mary and she was laden down with carrier bags. He wanted to get away quickly. Go up another side street, so that she wouldn’t see him but it was too late. Meggie spotted him and thanked him for giving her a hand long before he had even thought to do so and so he was collared.

  Wattie followed Willie, not far behind and caught up with them as they struggled to share the shopping load.

  “What’s your hurry, Willie?” he called out, “I wanted to tell you about that woman I saw yesterday. Cor, I think there was something very seriously wrong with her. She certainly needs a medical does that one ... eh! Look there she is again. See over there. She’s heading down Thistle Street.”

  Wattie gasped with wide eyes and both Meggie and Willie followed his gaze.

  “She’s only swallowed a cork, Wattie that’s all. She’ll be all right. My mother told me and she knows all about those things.” Meggie advised with wisdom of her own and Wattie continued to gaze in wonderment and blinked through his thick glasses.

  “There’s a youth club dance this Friday evening. Are you going Willie?” Meggie asked as she transferred a carrier bag from one arm to the other, but Willie appeared not to hear what his sister had said to him, so she repeated her question.

  “Willie do you hear me? There’s a youth club ...”

  Willie rubbed his eyes and swung the bag of groceries to his other shoulder as he cut Meggie short.

  “I’m helpin’ at the bar,” he said curtly.

  “Wish ah could help at the bar, Willie,” pleaded Wattie and the woman who had swallowed the cork smiled at him as she waddled past on the other side of the street.

  Mary hugged her children as they came through the front door.

  “Got a wee kiss for yer Mammy?” she asked hopefully, looking in particular at her youngest son. Meggie readily obliged but Willie sulked.

  “I gave you one this morning, Mammy,” he said and rushed into his bedroom, to get that dictionary and look up that word. He found the book he was looking for on a shelf near the wardrobe, but knocked several others to the floor in his haste and kicked them into a corner under the bed.