by A. T Brennan
Kai’s entire body was stiff, and I could tell he was barely breathing. Hot, wet trails streaked my cheeks, and I was grateful Kai couldn’t see me cry.
“He never woke up. After three days the doctors said he was brain-dead, but his parents kept him on life support, praying for a miracle that never happened. Two weeks later his heart stopped, and that was that. He was dead, and I was alone.”
I hugged Kai tighter and tried to keep my voice even. I had to finish the story.
“His parents had never accepted that he was gay, and they didn’t approve of us. In the nine years we were together, they never visited, and we never went to see them. I’d spoken to his mother on the phone twice before that call, and that was the last time I heard from them.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t his husband; I wasn’t anything. Legally I had no rights when it came to him or his care. It didn’t matter that we lived together or that we’d shared our lives for almost a decade, the law saw us as roommates. His parents banned me from the hospital. I wasn’t allowed to see him, not even to say goodbye. The only reason I know anything about what happened is because the detective on the case kept me informed. When he died, it went from an assault case to a murder investigation.”
“Did you at least get to go to the funeral?”
“His parents took him home to Florida to be buried. I wasn’t given any details.”
“God, Zander...”
“I was such a mess that I didn’t even think to look it up and go down there on my own. I kept reasoning that I wanted my last memory to be kissing him goodbye that morning, not him lying dead in a box...”
My voice cracked, and the sobs that I’d been holding back erupted out of me. My entire body shook from the force of them, and then Kai was holding me.
I hadn’t even felt him twist in my arms, but there he was, hugging me close, his small body against mine as he pressed his face into the crook of my neck.
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t offer useless platitudes or tell me he was sorry and it was okay to cry. He just held me, and I was able to let go and give in to what I was feeling for the first time since my breakdown in front of Rhys.
I have no idea how long we stayed like that, with Kai holding me as I let it all out. I cried until I had nothing left, but I couldn’t make myself move when the tears had finally subsided. Kai held me the entire time, his grip strong and his body comforting, and he only pulled away when I did.
“We can go as slow as you need to, Zander.”
His words almost sent me into another fit of tears. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. He wasn’t running away, and he was giving me time.
“Come on, let’s go back to bed for a bit. I can only imagine how drained you are right now.” He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips over mine.
“Thank you,” I said hoarsely, suddenly exhausted.
Kai just smiled and climbed off my lap. This time he was the one who took my hand and led me to my bedroom.
We climbed into bed, and Kai immediately curled up against my body, resting his head on my chest like he had the night before. I pulled him as close as possible, drawing every bit of comfort I could from him as fatigue washed over me.
Kai was still here. I’d be okay as long as Kai stuck by me.
Chapter Twelve
Kai
As I listened to Zander’s breathing even and felt his grip slacken slightly, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d told me.
I’d never been in love, not really. I’d had strong feelings that might have been teenage love for my high school boyfriend, but since him I’d only felt lust and desire.
I couldn’t imagine spending almost a decade building a life with someone, only to lose them. To have them taken from me in an act of violence like that, and then not even get a chance to say goodbye.
It was unfathomable, and while it broke my heart, I was honored that Zander had told me.
I didn’t know what was developing between us. All I knew was that I liked him, and I wanted more. I wanted to wake up next to him and fall asleep in his arms. I wanted to see him smile and have him tell me about his day. For the first time in years, I wanted to be with someone, and not just for sex.
It was hard to explain, but waking up this morning with him still holding me had been more intimate than anything we’d ever done physically. Knowing he’d held me close and protected me all night was amazing, and not something I’d ever had before.
Was I falling for him? Probably. It was still early, so I wasn’t about to jump the gun and declare my undying love— that would most likely terrify him, and I knew it wasn’t true as of yet. But I could see something real developing between us.
I wasn’t tired, but I was happy to lay in Zander’s arms as he slept. I’d have to leave in a few hours so I could get my reading done and make sure everything was okay at home before I headed in to do my dance shifts. If we spent the time exactly like this, then I’d leave a happy man.
I ENDED UP DOZING ON and off as Zander slept. His body was so warm, and the constant and consistent cadence of his breathing was almost hypnotic. He shifted me in his arms a few times, but his grip never lessened. Instead, he pulled me closer and rolled toward me slightly so more of my body was pressed against his.
It was getting late. My phone was still in my jeans pocket, and there wasn’t a clock anywhere that I could see, but by the sun, I could tell it was well into the afternoon.
I had to go. I’d texted Mom to let her know that I might not be coming home last night so she wouldn’t worry, but I needed to get the reading done for my class in the morning. I was just trying to figure out a way to gently wake Zander when he shifted and pulled me even closer as his breathing picked up.
He woke up slowly, hugging me to his body for a moment before he relaxed his arms and pulled just far enough away so he could look down at me.
“Did you sleep at all?” he asked, blinking as he got his bearings back.
“A bit. How are you feeling?”
“Refreshed. This is a nice way to wake up.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my forehead.
“It really is.” I closed my eyes so I could enjoy the contact, and when he pulled away I smiled.
“When do you have to go?”
“Soon. I’m not sure what time it is, but I have a lot to do before my shift.”
“Where’s your phone?” Zander asked as he rolled onto his back, pulling me with him as he picked his phone up off the bedside table and glanced at it. “It’s just after three. That okay?”
“It’s good. Gives me lots of time. And my phone is in my pants.”
We sat up, and I stretched as Zander reached out to push a lock of hair off my cheek.
“I have to work tonight,” he said, dropping his hand. “What’s your schedule like?”
“I have class all week. I usually cam Monday, Tuesday, and then either Wednesday or Thursday. Dancing Friday and Saturday, but I have next Sunday off. What’s yours like?”
“I’m working nights tonight through Tuesday. I have a day shift on Wednesday; I’m off Thursday, then working Friday and Saturday nights.”
“Wow. Our schedules couldn’t be more different if we tried.” I chuckled as we both climbed out of bed.
“We have a bit of an overlap,” he pointed out, watching as I picked up my clothes and started to strip off the shirt he’d lent me. “Want to do something on Wednesday?”
“Sure.” I tried to keep a giddy smile off my face as I nodded. “I’m done class at four.”
“I should be done by five. You want to meet me at the bar and grab a drink?”
“Will there be food?” I asked playfully.
“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to starve on my watch.”
“Then it’s a date.”
I noticed the way Zander’s jaw tensed when I said ”date” and wondered what that was about. We’d agreed to see each other so for all intents and purposes,
it was a date.
I stripped off the pajama pants he’d given me and quickly pulled on my clothes. My phone slipped out of the pocket of my skinny jeans and landed on the floor just as Zander came around the bed to pick up the clothes I’d taken off.
Thankfully, I had a shatterproof case, so I wasn’t worried about it breaking, but the home screen lit up as it settled face up on the floor.
“Holy fuck, that’s a lot of messages,” Zander blurted out as he picked my phone up and handed it to me.
According to my notifications, I had seventeen missed calls and thirty-one texts. I knew who the calls were from, and he was the reason I’d put my phone on silent before meeting with Zander last night. I had no idea who the fuck would be texting me much, and my first thought was that something had happened to Mom or Levi.
I quickly unlocked the phone and went into my text log. Nope. They were all from the same number, and after opening the thread, I saw they were screenshots from my cam shows.
I didn’t want to deal with this right now, so I powered off my phone and shoved it back in my pocket.
“Everything okay? You look spooked.” Zander reached out and put his hand on my arm comfortingly.
“It’s nothing.”
He didn’t press, and I didn’t offer any more of an explanation. I didn’t want to tell Zander about the calls. They weren’t a big deal, and things were so new it didn’t seem worth it to lay that on him right off the bat. Eventually, this asshole would get tired of bothering me, and they’d stop on their own.
“I’ll drive you home. Just give me a minute to change.”
“You could have changed while I did,” I pointed out playfully, my gaze tracking Zander as he went to his dresser to pull out fresh clothes.
“I could have, but where’s the fun in that? This way we both get a bit of a show.” He winked and stripped off his shirt by the back of the collar. I didn’t know what it was about that move, but I always found it so hot, and Zander made it look especially good.
“Very true, and I’m loving the show so far.” I raked my eyes up and down his fit form as Zander loosened his pajama pants and let them fall to the floor so they puddled around his feet. “If you keep that up, I’m going to get a sore dick from it being squished in these jeans.”
“What? This make you hard?” Zander stood there naked, gripping the base of his cock as he gave me one of his impossibly sexy grins.
“Fuck, yeah.” I nodded, clearing my throat as I adjusted my erection so it was pointed toward my hip and not being crushed by the waistband of my jeans. “You have no idea what you do to me.”
Zander smiled, a real and true smile, and let go of his half-hard cock. I liked this playful side of him, but I was only then realizing just how hard this no-sex arrangement could be. Everything about him turned me on, and I was powerless to resist his teasing.
I waited as he pulled on the rest of his clothes before we headed down to the living room so I could grab my bag and he could get his keys.
The drive to my building was pretty quiet, but it wasn’t a strained silence. It was comfortable, and I liked how he didn’t seem to mind that I wasn’t babbling to pass the time. We reached my building, and he parked in front to drop me off.
“Text me tonight?” I asked hesitantly, not wanting to sound needy but also not wanting to wait until Wednesday to hear from him.
“When I’m home.” He nodded.
“Great. I’ll talk to you then. Have a good shift.”
“Enjoy dancing.” He paused and then gave me a shit-eating grin. “Feel free to send me a picture of your costume.”
“Are you sure I shouldn’t send it to Alex?” I teased, hoping it wasn’t too soon to joke about that.
“Why not send it to both of us?” he suggested with a laugh.
“Nah, just you.” I leaned forward to kiss him, but Zander immediately pulled back, a panicked look on his face.
“Later,” I said quickly, pushing the car door open as my face flushed.
I didn’t understand Zander’s reaction, and I was a bit embarrassed. We’d already had sex and spent the day in bed together, but we couldn’t kiss in his car in front of my building?
Before I could start driving myself crazy thinking about it, I closed the door and leaned down to wave at him through the window. He waved back, an unreadable expression on his face, and I turned and headed toward my building.
There could be a ton of reasons why he hadn’t wanted to kiss me. I couldn’t really think of any at the moment, but there had to be lots. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn’t a rejection and that Zander wasn’t ashamed to be seen with me in public, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t a one-time thing.
BY THE TIME WEDNESDAY rolled around I was wiped. My dance shift on Sunday had taken a lot out of me, but I’d made a hell of a lot of tips, so it was worth it. I had a lot of studying to do during the week, so on Monday and Tuesday I’d pretty much come home from school, done my work, and then gone online for my cam show.
During my shows, I’d wondered if Zander was watching. He’d been in my room before, and I’d told him when I was going on. A part of me felt that should weird me out. The guy I was seeing, had slept with, might be watching me flirt and jerk off on camera for money, but it turned me on. I knew I had a bit of an exhibitionist streak in me. You didn’t get into internet porn without getting off on being watched, but it had always been the idea of strangers watching that had gotten me off. The thought that he might be watching me, jerking off with me and getting off when I did added a level of heat to my shows I’d never had before.
I didn’t know if it was my extra enthusiasm, or that I’d lucked out and my viewers had extra tokens to tip, but I’d made more in those two days than I usually did in a full week.
I’d broken my Ohmibod out again on Tuesday. My viewers had been hungry for it, and I’d actually craved it. I didn’t know what it was exactly, but it was like a switch had been flipped, and now the vibrations felt fucking awesome, and I’d had to fight not to come too fast. It was a far cry from the last time I’d used it, and I had a feeling I’d be pulling it out more often now that I knew just how awesome it could be.
Zander and I had texted each other sporadically. It had started with a few halting texts asking how my day was going or how things were at his work, but by Tuesday they were flowing better. I tried not to second-guess every text I sent, but it was hard for me not to overthink things. It’s what I did.
By the time I was done school on Wednesday and was heading to The Den, I was nervous.
After how Zander had reacted to my calling our meeting a date, and how he’d freaked when I’d tried to kiss him in his car, I had no idea what to expect. It wasn’t like I wanted crazy PDA or anything. A kiss goodbye and acknowledgement that we were out together and not just friends didn’t seem like too much to ask for, but I wasn’t so sure those were things he’d be able to do.
By the time I pushed the front door to the bar open, I was sweating slightly, and my hands were actually shaking a bit. I hadn’t been this nervous since my first few times on cam when I’d been trying to get used to the idea of being watched while simultaneously worrying that no one would watch me.
I didn’t see Zander anywhere, but there was that blond guy I’d seen him with at Chimera behind the bar quietly talking to a dark-haired man who was systematically turning the glasses on the hanging shelf so the labels all faced the same way.
I took a second to watch the pair. They seemed close, but the energy between them wasn’t sexually charged. The blond guy, Rhys, I think? It almost seemed like he was trying to help the dark-haired man calm down.
It wasn’t that he was outwardly distraught, but his hands were shaking as he turned the glasses, and his back was ram-rod straight with his shoulders tight.
I didn’t want to intrude, but it looked like the dark-haired man was a step away from a panic attack, and I had to try and help.
Right after my mom had be
en diagnosed, I’d suffered from panic attacks and anxiety. Every time we had to go to a doctor’s appointment or I took her to treatment, I’d been convinced that it was the last time I’d see her or we’d get the news that there was nothing they could do and I’d lose her. I’d hidden it from her the best I could, but it had still consumed me. Levi had always been able to talk me down, and he’d helped me find coping skills I still used to this day when things got overwhelming. I couldn’t afford therapy to deal with my issues, but his parents had spent a butt load of cash on shrinks and psychiatrists for him before he’d left home, so he had plenty of knowledge to share.
I moved slowly, walking up to the bar as quietly as I could. I didn’t want to spook them, but I wasn’t trying to sneak up. Rhys saw me and nodded to the office door.
“Zander will be out in a minute. He’s just doing the turnover with Evan.”
“Can I help?” I asked, nodding to the dark-haired man. He had yet to turn to look at me, but he’d stopped turning the glasses.
“I don’t think so—” Rhys started, but the dark-haired man turned and looked right into my eyes.
He was handsome. There was no doubt about it. His dark hair was complimented by nearly black eyes and tanned skin. His features were softer than I would have expected considering his tight clothes showed off a body that was made of pure muscle. He was basically a darker and more baby-faced version of Rhys.
“I’m Kai, Zander’s friend,” I introduced, keeping my eyes on the dark-haired man.
“Tristan.” His voice was tight, but his eyes never left mine.
“Hi, Tristan. Would you like to step outside with me for a second? Get some fresh air?” I knew I was not only being incredibly bold, but also intrusive. “If Rhys can handle things here, that is.”