by A. T Brennan
“Wrong?”
“Degrading, if that makes sense. I felt used. I wasn’t getting anything out of it, and they didn’t care, so it was like lip service. It just got easier to skip that part.”
“I’m sorry, Kai.”
“I never felt like that with you,” I said quickly.
“I’m glad.”
“Can I ask you something now?”
“Sure.”
“How come you didn’t want me to touch you? You went down on me, and it was incredible, but you didn’t want me to return the favor.”
“I haven’t let another man pleasure me since Kaden,” he admitted, his eyes darkening slightly. “It was about sex, and that was an intimacy I wasn’t willing to share with anyone else.”
“But you let me touch you?”
“You were different. Even that first night, it wasn’t about fucking you. It was about being with you.”
“Am I the first since him?” I had to ask even though I was a little afraid of the answer.
“Yes.” He pulled in a deep breath and gave me a serious look. “I went through a phase, especially in the two years after he died. I got drunk, and I fucked. I can’t remember everyone I was with, and I didn’t care who they were as long as they were willing to let me put my dick in their ass.”
“What changed? Why did you stop?”
“Evan helped me see that I was only hurting myself. It wasn’t doing anything to numb the pain and was only putting me in danger.”
“Were you safe?”
“I like to think so, but most of the time I was so drunk I couldn’t remember. After I stopped drinking and fucking around, I got tested, then got tested again every three months for a year just to make sure. I was lucky, and I’m negative, but it could have gone a completely different way.”
“How did Evan help you? Was it like an intervention or something?”
“No. I wasn’t an alcoholic. I could stop drinking if I wanted, I just didn’t want to. One night I got shit faced and ended up hitting on Evan, not realizing it was him. We’d been friendly for a while but weren’t close. He took a video of me on his phone and showed it to me a few days later.” He paused and shook his head shamefully. “I was a mess. Slurring, stumbling, saying the most disgusting things... it wasn’t me, and I was ashamed. That snapped something in me, and I stopped. Evan offered me a job at the bar as his night manager because of my background in business, and he’s been my closest friend ever since.”
“I’m glad you have someone like that. I’m sorry you had to hit rock bottom first, but at least you were able to get your life back before you did something that couldn’t be undone.”
“Me too. What about you? Who did you have to lean on when your mom was sick?”
“Levi. He’s been there for me since we first met. He’s like my brother. Neither one of us has had it easy, but we’ll always be there for each other.”
“I’m glad you have him.” Zander leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. “Kai, will you let me do something for you?”
“What is it?”
“Can I show you how foreplay is supposed to be? I hate that I’m going to end up hurting you the next time we have sex even if it’s only for a little bit.”
I nodded. I trusted Zander and knew he’d be gentle with me. Even if it wasn’t as great as he seemed to think it could be, it was Zander, so I wouldn’t feel used or degraded.
He smiled and rolled over so he could grab the lube out of his bedside table.
“Are you negative?” he asked as he rolled back toward me.
“Yes. I was tested a few months ago, and there’s been no one but you.”
“I’m not going to fuck you, especially not bare. Not yet. But I want to taste you, not a condom,” Zander explained as he pulled me into his arms.
My stomach fluttered at his words, and I had to swallow the lump of anticipation in my throat. Before I could answer, Zander rolled on top of me once again, covering my body with his as he kissed me long and deep.
His hands moved over my skin as his tongue toyed and dueled with mine. I kissed him back with everything I had, wrapping my body around his as my cock filled and grew heavy with need.
I lifted my hips as he tugged off my briefs, and when they were off and on the floor, Zander began kissing down my body.
His lips traveled over my chest, pausing so he could tease first one, then my other nipple with his tongue. After making me squirm in pleasure, he ran his tongue over my stomach, dipping it into my belly button before continuing lower.
He bypassed my aching cock and instead kissed over my hip. When he was settled between my legs, he gently pushed them up so my knees were against my chest, and I was completely open to him.
He kissed my taint, making me shiver as a jolt of pleasure shot through me, then licked the seam of my sac.
“Fuck, Zander.” I grabbed under my knees, pulling my legs back even more as his tongue slid through my crease.
“Oh god!” I gasped as his tongue gently licked over my hole. Nerve endings all over my body crackled to life, and I involuntarily clenched as he did it again.
“Relax, babe. I’m just rimming you. I’ll warn you before I use my finger,” he said gently as he paused his ministrations.
I let out a deep breath and forced my body to relax. This was the first time I’d ever been rimmed, and I was fucking loving it.
Zander lowered his mouth a second time, his tongue tracing over my hole a few times before he pushed just the tip of his tongue inside me.
“Fuck!”
That move forced all thoughts out of my head, and my body responded out of pure instinct. Zander seemed to sense the change, and he went from light and teasing to licking, probing and kissing me until my body was heaving with need and I was begging him for more.
I was aware of the sound of a top being popped open, and a few seconds later I felt a slippery finger rubbing lube over me.
“I’m going to push in now, just relax and let it happen.” Zander’s voice was deep and a little ragged, and I loved how he seemed almost as affected as I was.
There was pressure as he pushed in, but no pain. By the time he’d sunk down to the first knuckle, there was a bit of burning from the intrusion, but it actually felt good.
“That’s it,” he praised when his finger was all the way inside me. “You’re so tight. So fucking sexy.”
“Fuck, Zander. More. Please more,” I begged, rocking my hips to try and force him to move inside me.
He crooked his finger and pressed it against my prostate, and I almost shot right then.
He slipped a second finger inside me as he continued to rub my prostate. Every muscle in my body tightened as the most intense pleasure I’d ever felt rushed through me. My lower back tingled, and my balls drew up against my body, and I was sure I was about to come.
Zander pulled his fingers out of me, but before I could protest he swallowed my cock all the way down to the root, tonguing my shaft as he swallowed around the head.
The change was abrupt, and it actually stopped my orgasm as a new wave of completely different pleasure crashed over me.
“Fuck, Zander!” I cried out, letting my legs fall to the sides so I was almost in a split. Being a dancer had made me quite flexible, and Zander moaned around my cock as his eyes rolled up to look at me.
“Shit, I’m going to come!” I grabbed at the sheets under my hands, needing to expel some of the pressure that was building inside me. I expected him to either pop off my cock and stroke me into my orgasm or suck me until I came down his throat. He did neither of those things.
“Fuck!” I cried out as he pushed two of his fingers deep inside me, immediately rubbing them against my prostate again.
The shift once again stopped my orgasm, and that unfamiliar yet absolutely incredible pleasure began unfurling in my core once again.
“Fuck, oh god!”
“That’s it. Let go, babe. Come for me.”
I didn’t know if it
was the timing or his command, but my body finally gave in to the pleasure, and my orgasm exploded out of me.
Every part of my body was consumed by the release, and the aftershocks that rocked me seemed to go on forever.
When the pleasure had finally subsided, Zander was lying beside me again, holding me against his strong body as he rubbed my back.
“Holy fuck.” I closed my eyes and pressed my face into his chest as my senses slowly came back to me.
My entire body was tingling, but the most shocking part was that my dick was still hard.
Zander pulled me back and gave me a sweet kiss, a smile on his lips as he searched my face to see how I was doing. I could taste my release on his lips and suddenly realized that my chest and stomach were clean. He’d licked up my cum. God damn, that was hot, and that revelation did nothing to tame my still hard dick.
“I’m fan-fucking-tastic, FYI,” I quipped before he could ask.
“That’s good.” He chuckled and brushed a lock of my hair back off my sweaty forehead. “So, you a fan of fingering now?”
“Nope.” I laughed at his confused expression. “I’m a fan of you fingering me. Yours are the only hands I want anywhere near me from now on.”
My eyes widened as I realized what I’d said. Damn post orgasm high. It completely took away my filter.
Instead of looking freaked out, Zander laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “Good, because if I have my way, these hands are going to be spending an ungodly amount of time touching you.”
“Mmmm, I like the sound of that.”
I shifted closer to Zander, and it was then that I realized his erection was gone, and there was a wet spot on his boxer briefs.
“Yeah, I shot my load in my shorts like a horny preteen when you came.” He smiled sheepishly.
“Do you have any idea how hot that is?” I asked, pushing on his shoulder until he rolled onto his back and I could climb on top of him.
“How hot is it?” he asked playfully.
“Like the hottest fucking thing ever.”
“Really?” He raised his eyebrow at me.
“Really.” I nodded and bent to give him a series of quick, nipping kisses. “The thought that you were so turned on by me coming that you did too? Beyond sexy.”
“Well, I’m glad you think so.” He grinned and threaded his big hands through my hair, gently tugging on the strands. “I couldn’t have stopped it even if I’d wanted to.”
He pulled me down for another soul-searing kiss before leaning back and grinning at me. “So, what are we doing for our date today?”
“It’s a surprise. Dress comfortably.”
“Like jeans comfortable or sweatpants comfortable?”
“Sweatpants comfortable.”
“Intriguing.”
I dropped one final kiss on Zander’s lips and then rolled off him. “Can I use your shower?”
My erection had finally waned, and I was flaccid once again. I was still sensitive as all hell, but at least my boner was gone.
“Mind having some company?”
“I was counting on it.”
Showering with someone wasn’t an entirely new experience for me, but it was different with Zander. Brian and I had done it as a way to hook up while our families were sleeping the mornings after we’d spend the night together. It wasn’t exactly discreet, but the water covered up any sounds we made. It had been taboo and a little risky, and a lot of fun, but not sensual or intimate.
From the moment Zander and I got under the spray together, we couldn’t stop touching. He held me against his strong body, and we washed each other with his body wash. He even shampooed my hair for me. I would have done the same for him but with our height difference he would have had to bend over or crouch, and that would’ve been a bit awkward.
While our touches were arousing, neither one of us pushed for more than kissing. It was intimate on a level I’d never experienced before, and that’s when I realized I was in love with him.
I was happy with Zander. I felt safe and cared for, and he understood me. I never felt like he was with me but wishing I was Skylar, and I trusted him. All of that made it obvious that I liked him, but the fact that I never wanted to let go of the connection we were sharing in that moment, where it wasn’t about sex or lust or desire but emotion, told me that I loved him.
I should have been ecstatic. I was in love for the first time in my adult life, but there was a pit in my stomach that was accompanied by feelings of doubt and fear. Zander’s heart was already spoken for. How could I compete with the ghost of his first love?
I tried to push those thoughts to the side and focus on our upcoming date and the fact that Zander really was trying to be more open around me. I was determined to have the best day possible. I’d save the overthinking and worrying until I was alone.
ZANDER WAS BOTH SURPRISED and a little apprehensive about my choice of locales for our date. After we’d had breakfast, I’d given him an address and told him to punch it into his GPS. He’d followed the directions until we’d reached our destination. A rock-climbing gym.
It was an activity I used to love but hadn’t had much time for. Between school, camming, dancing and all the other adult crap that had been tossed on me in the past few years, I’d stopped going.
Zander was in great shape, and it was the one physical thing I could think of doing where our different body types wouldn’t be an issue. It didn’t matter how big or muscular he was when he was in a harness with me working the ropes. The pulley and belay systems would make it so he weighed no more than I would if our positions were reversed.
It had taken a beginner’s lesson and about twenty minutes of trying before Zander got the hang of it, and when he did, he was a natural.
We climbed for almost three hours, switching off on the harness and even trying some of the free-climbing walls. Those were a bit harder on him since his body was so solid, but it had been like coming home for me.
“You were incredible. Do you climb a lot?” Zander asked as we got into his car to head back to his house.
“I used to. I forgot how much I love it.” I grinned and gave him a sidelong glance. “So, good date?”
“Excellent date. I was a bit worried at first, but that was a lot of fun. Better than hitting the weights, that’s for sure.” He grinned as he pulled the car out of the parking lot and merged into traffic. “We should do that once a week. Do they have memberships there?”
“They do.” I tried to hide my giddiness at that prospect of having a weekly standing date with Zander.
“Great. We can look into it next week.”
“Sounds good.”
“So does our date include a snack of some sort? It’s getting on in the afternoon, and I’m worried about you getting hangry.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Lucky for you I don’t get hangry. I can get whiny, but not hangry.”
“That’s a relief. So, snacktime?”
“Snacktime.” I nodded. “Want to pick something up from that new smoothie place near your work? The Blending Bar? Levi was raving about their strawberry, banana, and pineapple special.”
“Sounds good.” Zander nodded and drove in the direction of The Den.
The place was busy, and we had to wait almost twenty minutes in line, but the moment I took a sip of the much-talked-up smoothie, it was worth every second. Zander had chosen a blueberry, acai, and pomegranate mix, and we found out they would add a shot of wheatgrass, chia seeds or protein powder to the mix for free. I opted for the chia seeds, and Zander got the protein powder.
“I’d say we should stop in and say hello to the guys, but it would look bad if we brought smoothies into the bar,” Zander said with a laugh as we headed back to his car, our drinks in hand.
“Probably not the best idea, considering you’re like, management and all.”
“Very true. Not the best example to set.”
“Have I met everyone you work with?” I asked as we walked past his c
ar and kept going. It looked like we were going to take a bit of a walk together. That was a nice surprise.
“All but Layla.”
“Layla?”
“She’s the day manager.”
“Is she the only woman at the bar?”
“She is.” He nodded. “Layla had a tough time when she was younger. She didn’t come out until she was almost in her thirties.”
“She’s gay too?”
He nodded, a soft smile on his lips. “She’s a few years younger than me, but she mothers all of us, especially the younger guys.”
“So she’s your den mother,” I quipped and was rewarded with a laugh.
“You could say that. I think you’d really like her. And I know she’d love you.”
I flushed at his words and took a big sip of my drink.
“You’ll have to come with me one day when she’s working so you guys can meet.”
“I’d like that.”
By this point, we’d walked around the block once, and our drinks were half-empty.
“Want to close out the date at my house before I have to take you home?”
“Definitely.”
Chapter Fifteen
Zander
By the time I was lying in bed that night, I realized that I’d spent most of the day smiling. It wasn’t that I was some grumpy Gus who brooded all the time, but it wasn’t usual for me to find too many things to smile about in a day.
Kai had done that for me. He wasn’t the reason I’d been happier in the past few days than I had in years per se, but he was the reason I was able to let myself be happy.
I’d spent so many years blaming myself for Kaden’s death. I’d been convinced that I had to suffer and be alone because he was gone. He was my one true love, or so I’d thought.
Kaden was my first love, and he would always have a special place in my heart, but that didn’t mean he had to be my only love.
He’d been so full of life and all about living each day to the fullest. Once he’d truly embraced who he was, Kaden had tried hard to live a life without regrets. He’d believed that we only had one life, and we shouldn’t waste it.