She hadn’t realized she’d already decided to leave before the words left her mouth.
His face froze, and he paused. “I was hoping you’d stay a bit longer,” he said in a neutral tone that still sent shivers through her. “To really give us a try.”
His words surprised her, and the look in his eyes made her want to agree. To stay. But she shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Duncan. I’ve had a simply wonderful time with you, the best holiday I’ve ever taken.”
She meant those words, every single one. And her heart flipped frantically in her chest. She wanted to say yes; she really, really did. Wanted to stay with him and forget her life in New York, her family and friends, her career. How impractical was that, though? Impractical and maybe even a little selfish.
“If it’s the best one,” he said reasonably, his hand warm on her cheek, “then why not continue? Why not see where this can go?”
“We don’t fit, Duncan.” The blunt words hurt, and she saw the surprise so clearly on his face, in his gaze, when she said them. “This won’t go anywhere.”
“Don’t fit?” he asked. Confusion made his eyes stormy, and he tilted his head as he obviously tried to figure out what she meant.
Audrey swallowed hard; they fit physically, all right. Oh, did they fit physically. And in a variety of positions.
“That’s not the impression I got,” he whispered. His words again surprised her, and Audrey wondered when he’d started understanding her so damn well.
Duncan pulled her closer and showed her, as if she needed the reminder, just how well they did fit. She had to swallow and summon enough willpower to push herself back. Shaking her head, she looked sadly up at him.
“Come on, Duncan. We’re an odd fit.”
“We’re not.”
“We are,” Audrey insisted. Her hands rested lightly on his arms, his hands still warm on her hips. “You have a life here that’s amazing. What you’ve made of yourself is outstanding. But I have a life back in New York; I’m an American, and you’re a Brit. You’re awfully tall,” she said with a quiet laugh. “And I’m…not.”
She swallowed again and stepped back. Then another. “Everything was just…” She shook her head and tried again. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and breathed deeply, but all she could smell was his scent. It tied her stomach in knots. “We’re not well suited for each other.”
His hands found their way into his pants pockets, and he rocked back on his heels. “I don’t understand what you’re about, Audrey. Who is well suited for anyone else?”
“I don’t exude the correct image you should have in the woman that’s on your arm,” she said as clearly as she could.
Duncan’s anger was instantaneous. He looked furious, but Audrey knew it wasn’t aimed at her. Well, maybe a small part. “That’s not true,” he snapped. “If you’re listening to Libby, don’t. She’s a petty woman with a terrible mean streak that I wouldn’t tolerate if she weren’t a relation.”
“No.” She shook her head. “It’s not about Libby.” Not really. “It’s about reality, Duncan.” And his name still flowed off her tongue so smoothly, she could taste it. “I understand these things.”
“Apparently you do not.” His anger made his voice hard, and his eye blazed blue fire. “I’m attracted to you.” He looked her up and down, making her feel wanted with that look. “All of you. And I’ve never fit a mold in my life.”
“Sometimes,” Audrey said and couldn’t believe she was saying this, “you need to.”
“No, I don’t,” he shot back. “Nor do I want to. To me, Audrey, you’re gorgeous and fun and exactly what I want.”
Audrey stood straighter, tilted her head back, and refused to be moved from her position. “It’s not what I want.”
And she was a damned liar. Shaking her head, she grabbed the purse and coat she’d purposely left in the foyer, a strategic move on her part, and walked out the front door. Tears blurred her vision, but she didn’t look back.
Chapter Fourteen
Calling herself six kinds of stupid, Audrey dragged herself to her apartment door and opened it. She had her keys in her purse—thank God—and her passport, though she’d purposefully placed that inside. When she’d arrived at Heathrow with no luggage and a ticket that wasn’t good for four more days, and so emotionally drained she thought she could collapse right there, she’d been forced to go through extra security.
She hadn’t even cared.
On the flight to JFK Airport, she’d tried to sleep. Then she tried not to cry; it wasn’t her, and she didn’t like doing it. She also didn’t think her seatmate would appreciate the waterworks that Audrey knew would erupt if she let her guard down. So she’d tried to sleep again and eventually fell into a fitful doze and dreamt of Duncan.
When she jerked awake to the feel of the plane descending, Audrey couldn’t remember the details. Or refused to remember them.
The cab drive from the airport to her apartment building was a blur. She tried to pay the driver with pounds and swore when she realized she’d forgotten to convert the British pounds back to American dollars during her long wait in the airport. Giving him her card, she called it a day and raced up to her place before anything else happened.
She wasn’t strong enough to deal with anything else today.
It was early, barely five in the morning, so she let herself in quietly and dumped her purse on the entryway table. Eventually she’d have to do things. She’d left her luggage at Duncan’s, so those clothes were gone; her phone beeped on the verge of death, so she’d need a new charger; and she was pretty certain she’d left the paperwork from the charity event tucked safely in an inside suitcase pocket so she wouldn’t lose it.
Audrey groaned and dropped onto the couch, pulled a fleece blanket over her, and dropped her head back. She’d do all that later. Right now she wanted a good cry and a hot shower, not necessarily in that order. Plus she was starving. She hadn’t eaten anything in the airport; their dinner had sat heavily in her stomach, and then she’d hummed with nerves twisted so badly, she’d thought she’d be sick.
“Audrey?” Sabrina’s sleepy voice called out in the darkened apartment, and the hallway light flicked on.
Wincing from the sudden light, Audrey swiped her cheeks and drew in a deep breath. It hurt to breathe, and every beat of her heart felt hollow and empty. Oh, she’d tried telling herself that it was no more than a holiday romance, that she’d been stupid to think it was anything else knowing she’d be leaving.
Her heart hadn’t listened.
And now she was back home. Sabrina squinted into the living room, retreated back down the hall, and then reappeared with an equally sleepy Eliza. The three of them had been friends for years, since college, and yet Audrey didn’t want to talk to them. No, that wasn’t true. She didn’t want to admit that she’d fallen in love with a holiday romance and had run as fast as her shiny leather heels had taken her.
“You’re home,” Sabrina said. “How long have you been here, and why the hell didn’t you wake us up?” She paused, sat on the other end of the couch, and added, “And why didn’t you tell us you were coming back this early?”
“See?” Eliza said with a sleepy grin. “Now we have to call off the wild orgy we’d planned for tonight. Unless,” she continued and pushed Audrey to the center of the couch so she could sit down, “you brought that handsome earl you were talking about.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Then you can join in.”
Sabrina scooted over, staring intently at Audrey’s face, and automatically slid under the blanket. “What happened?” she asked quietly, still watching her.
“Nothing.” Audrey tried to wave it off, but the word and pathetic flap of her hand felt sad and tired. “I’m just an idiot.”
“What did the jerk do?” Eliza asked, slipping an arm over Audrey’s shoulders.
“He didn’t do anything,” she admitted, though it warmed her heart that her friends automatically assumed it
was Duncan. But she needed to be honest; she’d brought this on herself. “Nope, it was all me. He even implied he wanted something more, a relationship. But we all know that wouldn’t work out. I had to protect myself.” She shrugged and thumped her head against the couch. “I had to come back home.”
Eliza stood. “I’ll get the chocolate.”
Audrey didn’t bother to open her eyes and watch her friend. She tried to smile in appreciation, but her lips refused to move. Chocolate sounded heavenly, though her stomach still churned with anger and hurt and loss.
“Normally, my dear,” Sabrina said and bumped Audrey’s shoulder, “I’d tell you that you were, in fact, an idiot and you need to stop running from guys who are into you. But in this case,” she continued in an understanding voice, “I think you made the right decision.”
Eliza returned, her hands full of chocolate, a peanut butter jar tucked under her arm. “You know how I hate agreeing with Sabrina. It’s the principle of the matter, but mark this day. Today,” she said with a flourish as she set the items on the coffee table, “I agree with her.”
Audrey managed a weak chuckle and lifted her head to look at her friends. She didn’t want chocolate and peanut butter, but she obligingly broke off a piece and let it melt in her mouth. Damn, she’d meant to bring back proper Cadbury from Britain, too. She’d totally forgotten, what with the fantastic sex and messy feelings and, well, Duncan.
“Thanks.” She smiled but knew it didn’t reach her eyes. She’d work on that later.
“It’s one thing,” Sabrina said with a roll of her eyes, “to date some high mucky-muck here in New York. But this guy?” She shook her head and dipped her chocolate into the peanut butter jar. “Likely a member of the 3B Club—a Brit, a billionaire, and a bastard? He was just going to break your heart.”
Audrey wiped her fingers on her dress, not caring if she stained the material. “He’s not a bastard,” she said quietly. “But I understand what you’re saying, and you’re right.” She let her head drop back to the couch.
“But it doesn’t hurt any less, does it?” Sabrina said quietly. Audrey heard the jar on the table and felt her friend’s hand take hers. “When you let your feelings get wrapped up, even though you know you shouldn’t.”
With a sigh, Audrey leaned into Sabrina and rested her head on her friend’s shoulder. “No. I shouldn’t have.”
* * * *
Two days after her return to New York, her luggage arrived. Granwood, the butler, had enclosed a note. Audrey tried not to be disappointed that it was from Granwood and not Duncan. Really she did, because she should know better and that was why Duncan had a butler. To send off errant luggage to women who walk out of his life.
Though Audrey suspected she’d been the only one to do so.
She unfolded the letter taped to the box and smiled. Her eyes watered, but she blinked hard and ignored the tears; she was so, so tired of crying, and she wanted to push all this grief and want away.
Miss Mills,
Thank you for your invaluable help with the diner party and your gracious acquiescence to be hostess for so important an event. I’m sorry not to have told you this in person, and feel this letter a poor substitute. However, please be assured that I have enjoyed the little time we spent together.
I’ve taken the liberty to send you your things, and hope you find everything in order.
All the best,
Granwood
Audrey looked the letter over again and sighed. She knew everything in her suitcase would be exactly as she’d packed it. And Granwood’s letter touched her in a way she hadn’t realized it would. She’d liked the man, he was kind and funny, and about as organized as she. Organization was a trait Audrey highly valued.
Granwood was also a little wordy and talked like he was the Queen’s butler or the butler from a snooty house during the Regency.
Folding the letter, she wheeled her suitcase to her room and unpacked it. She placed the letter on her dresser and dug out the paperwork from the charity event that had first brought her to London.
She needed work. Normally after a shoot she took time to relax and unwind before planning her next event. Now she needed to work. Badly. She needed to keep busy so she didn’t have time to think or remember or dream those impossible what-ifs.
What she needed was a distraction.
Unfortunately, none had been available.
Audrey took out the paperwork and looked at the clothes, all neatly folded and placed in her suitcase. Her heart tripped in her chest, and she struggled to take a deep breath. Slamming the case closed, she zipped it back up with quick, jerky moves, and hauled it to the back of her closet.
She slammed the door closed, the sound echoing through the room, and stalked out of her bedroom. No, she wasn’t ready for a reminder, not when those reminders danced around her head all the time.
The walls closed in on her, and the emptiness, with both Sabrina and Eliza at work, felt oppressive. Grabbing a light spring jacket, she shrugged into it, grabbed her keys and some cash, and slammed the door closed behind her. She quickly locked the deadbolt, and it was only then she noticed that the neighboring apartment was no longer vacant.
Mr. Laufer, the old man who had lived there since the building was built, had recently died. Audrey supposed his children had finally sold the place.
“Everything changes,” she whispered as she punched the elevator button and waited for its slow ascent.
The warm spring day blew around her, and Audrey breathed deeply of New York. She stood just inside the building’s door and watched people stream by her, no one really noticing her as they walked in their own worlds. This was what she loved about New York: the people, the cultures, the way everything moved to a beat that was distinctly the city.
Maybe she’d made a mistake.
Stepping into the foot traffic, Audrey walked. Had she let Libby’s words and her unnatural obsession with Duncan color her reaction? Had she let Libby’s distaste for anyone not a size zero make her feel less about herself?
Yes.
For the first time in her adult life, Audrey had let someone else dictate how she felt about herself. Walking faster, she cursed her insecurities and hated that Libby had won. Because it may not have been a win-or-lose game, but Audrey’s self-esteem had definitely taken a blow. A very hard blow that had brought her to her knees.
She’d listened to Libby’s venom and disgust as the other woman directed it at her, and she’d let Libby see just how vulnerable she truly was.
Duncan’s words came back to her, the look in his eyes as they watched her, searching her own gaze. The blue fire in every look he’d ever given her. “I’m attracted to you. To all of you.”
What was she thinking? She idolized Mae West. Would Mae have taken to heart any of Libby’s comments? Hell no! She’d take them and hurl them right back at the other woman, with venom to match. And she sure as hell wouldn’t think Duncan was out of her league or out of her reach.
Audrey stopped and looked into a shop window of some chain devoted to teens, and she looked at herself. Blonde and bodacious. That was her, with red lips and a sassy personality. Had she given up something she shouldn’t have?
She’d walked out on him so quickly. Oh, Audrey knew why: not the right image for Duncan. But who the hell was to say what the right image was? She’d spent her career perfecting images, and she knew how to use them.
Now, an ocean apart, Audrey wished she hadn’t walked away from him, but it was far too late now. Who needed enemies when she did these things to herself?
Who needed enemies, indeed.
Chapter Fifteen
Three weeks. It’d been three long, dreadful weeks. Agonizing, if Audrey felt even more dramatic than she already was feeling. And, of course, that was when it hit her. It wasn’t at all a pleasant realization. She’d had relationships end before, some even crumble around her and ones that made her sad to see them end.
She’d never had her heart broken.
She’d spent her entire life living as the sassy woman who was comfortable with who she was and what she’d accomplished. She’d also built a wall around her heart. Duncan had been the first to breech it so fully that when she’d walked out on him, with an admittedly pathetic reason, the cracks had become gaping holes.
Sabrina and Eliza had tried to cheer her up with talk of the future. Sabrina wanted her to start her own fashion line, but Eliza, far more used to working behind the scenes, had wondered if that was for the best. Their cheer-up talk had quickly deteriorated into an argument. Audrey had listened but hadn’t quite heard what they’d said.
She was far too busy berating herself for throwing away Duncan and all the possibilities they could have had together.
Instead, she spent her time with clients and planning upcoming events. Only half her heart was involved with that. The rest of her time was spent trying to appease her curiosity and see into the apartment next door, to no avail.
The speed with which the place had been renovated and furnished shocked her. Sure, money bought a great deal, but money in New York was like smog in L.A. Whoever the new owner was, he not only had money but serious connections.
Audrey sat on one of the high barstools at the kitchen counter and looked at her list. She rather liked the idea of starting her own fashion line, but she was far too organized to jump in without itemizing every single detail first.
The knock on her door surprised her; she’d already met her morning client and wasn’t expecting Irene to stop by the studio until after three, both Sabrina and Eliza were at work, and she hadn’t made plans with any of her other friends.
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