by C. C. Brown
“Yes, and they are just words. Don’t give them power.”
I looked at him, amazed that he was able to say that. Words meant plenty to me, and they did have power, the power to drag me through the trenches and fill me with utter rage.
“That’s easy to say.”
“And easy to follow, too. Do you think I haven’t been on the receiving end of some nasty things being said to me? Allen himself has said some horrible things to me, but you know what, he’s an idiot, a Neanderthal. I don’t pay him much mind, and you really shouldn’t either.”
I didn’t say another word. I just marched into the chow hall, angry and starving, feeling like I could eat everything in sight to fuel me for whoever was ready to come at me next.
Chapter 19
Alex
Castillo was nowhere to be found, which was probably in her best interest since I was sure she’d gotten word that I was on the hunt for her. Ruiz had squealed, and while I couldn’t be certain that Castillo didn’t speak loud enough for others to overhear, the fact that she had flat out lied about what happened that night was enough to drench me in rage.
Of course, Ruiz’s assault charge burning in my hands coaxed the information out of her, but nonetheless, she gave up just what I needed. Now, I had to make Castillo accountable.
Speaking of Ruiz, the assault charge absolutely worried me. It had worried me when Riley first discovered it, but now that she was actively engaging Cassie, it was fucking terrifying me. The girl was a ticking time bomb, a violent machine ready for war, and the two of them in the same room together played tricks on my mind, disturbing me with every thought.
Cassie still hadn’t answered me on my plans for the weekend. As much as I was trying to give her some space and time, I was growing impatient, and about ready to go and demand it from her. Thinking about her cutting me off, even though it was precisely what I had done to her, fucking stung. I was an asshole, but she wasn’t. And even though there were no excuses, the fact of the matter was that I didn’t want her treating me the way I had stupidly treated her. She was better than me, in more ways than one.
I sat on the couch in only a pair of PT shorts with a beer in my hand. Riley was gone for the night, having dinner with some chick he’d met at the bar. He’d tried hard to convince me before he left that she wasn’t a groupie, even though he’d met her the same night I fell under Cassie’s spell, but as much as I wanted to give a fuck, I just couldn’t. My mind was elsewhere, and it wasn’t on whatever chick Riley found attractive for the time being.
I kept checking my phone, hoping for something from Cassie, but there was nothing there. My nerves were fried. She was playing hard, and I had to admit, she was winning because the harder she got, the more I wanted her. I felt like I could say fuck it to everything standing in my way and take her ass the way she needed to be taken. I knew I could get her body, that was obvious from the talk I’d had with her earlier in the morning, but I was after so much more. I needed her heart and her mind. I needed her to trust me, to know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her, and I knew that would take more than my cock pleasing her.
I was starting to get drunk off of beer and that was unheard of. Beer never got me drunk, but looking into the fridge, I had already downed six and was going back for my seventh. The buzz was soothing, but didn’t relieve the ache I felt where Cassie was concerned. The loneliness of the house wasn’t helping matters either. As much as Riley could grate my nerves, he had been my right hand through all of this, and Jensen hadn’t been around since the fight the day before. The silence was killer, giving me too much time to think, and none of it good. I needed a reprieve, and I needed it fast.
I lay down on the couch with a beer in hand, flipping through mindless TV that did nothing but stare back at me. I couldn’t find anything engaging, anything sidetracking… anything at all. I stood, and headed out to the backyard to sit out on the patio and watch the moths and mosquitoes buzz by.
The front door closed, and I was jolted out of my fog, lost in painstaking thoughts and an overabundance of beer. When I looked back in through the slider glass door, Jensen was walking into the kitchen. He tossed his keys down on the counter, turned for the fridge and grabbed a beer for himself. I thought about going inside, but there really was no point. We weren’t seeing eye to eye, and I didn’t feel like kicking his ass again if he said the wrong thing to me. I was drunk, pissed, and looking for a fight. For once in all of this turmoil, I finally made a smart decision and stayed outside, allowing the still sweltering desert air to hit my face, sticking the thin layer of sweat to me.
With my head thrown back over the chair back and up against the wall of the house, I listened as the slider opened. I opened my eyes and Jenson’s hardened gaze hit me, thrusting red flags in front of me and putting my senses on high alert. I stared back coldly, silently giving him the opportunity to provoke me and send my drunken ass barreling into him. I was ready to shut his mouth once and for all.
He walked out a little further, before calmly saying, “Hey, I’m just letting you know that I’ll be gone for a while. I’m gonna be staying with some friends in town.”
I didn’t say anything, just sat back and exhaled the thick, painful breath holed up inside of me. As stupid as Jensen was acting, he was my brother. He’d been with me since day one of my Comm School instructing, and even though I thought he was acting like a little bitch about all of this, it hurt to see him turning away from me. To see him distancing himself where I was concerned. Words jumbled around inside my head, but I couldn’t think clearly enough to string a coherent sentence together.
He took a seat in the chair directly next to me and popped the top of his beer, taking one long gulp before smashing the can in his hand. I looked over to him, and noticed the shiner that I’d left on his face. I smiled a bit. He looked at me with his eyebrows scrunched.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
We sat there, looking out into the yard at the small birds lining the wall, chirping and singing, directly contrasting with the dark mood that lay thick between us. I had a feeling that Jensen looked at me with utter disgust now and if I actually gave a fuck, I would probably be looking at myself the same way. Honest to God, if someone else had landed themselves in my predicament, I probably would have been the Jensen in the situation. Prior to meeting Cassie, I couldn’t fathom doing anything that was in direct violation of any Corps rules and regulations. The shame was much more than any punishment, and my loyalty to the Corps meant more to me than breathing. Things were always black and white, but with Cassie jumping into my world, I was now living in a very hazy shade of grey. Things that were so matter of fact before were no longer that way. Jensen couldn’t—didn’t want to see that. I couldn’t make him see it, and if it meant ripping our brotherhood apart, that was a choice I was just going to have to make.
He sat back, then exhaled loudly. We sat in an uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever. The birds came and went, and the sun set even lower as the orange and purple mixture stretched across a darkening sky. I’d finally had enough, so I stood and took a few steps toward the slider glass door when he finally spoke, stopping me in my tracks.
“Why, man?”
“Why, what?”
“Why her? Why now? I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this.”
I walked back over to where he sat, anger starting to boil deep within me.
“There is no answer. Only a feeling and I can’t deny what I feel for her.”
“Dude, you can fuck anything with two legs that opens up to a pussy. I don’t get why her.”
He still didn’t get it. In his eyes, Cassie was just another piece of ass, and that should have been very easy to move away from. He was so stuck in his box that he couldn’t see that maybe, just maybe, there was more to her than what he saw, or wanted to see.
“I don’t particularly like having to explain myself, but I’m going to go ahead and set the fuc
king record straight,” I grumbled. “I get that you still see life through the Corps. Fine, good for you. But, I’m lucky enough to have found someone who has helped me see life for what it is, and it’s not behind a fucking manual of rules that fail to address real life situations. I’m sorry that I fucking let my emotions come and play, and I’m sorry that you can’t understand that. But I will not apologize for falling for Bennett, and I will not allow you to make me feel fucking guilty about it.”
“You’re wallowing in your own guilt, Alex.”
“Why are you holding out? Why not just run to First Sergeant and end all of this for me?”
“Because that’s not who I am. What’s done in the dark will come to light. I’m not running to tell anyone anything. But if questions get asked, I won’t lie and compromise myself.”
“What a moral guy you are. Must make you feel so fucking good about yourself.”
He shifted his eyes up to me. The cold icy stare looked like a stranger had taken hold of him. He wasn’t the same guy I had come to know and love.
“I don’t understand. Because for everything that you say about her, you do something to totally contradict it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“For starters, you willingly accept an award that makes you look like a hypocrite. And I thought your own self-worth was worth more than anything to you.” He stood, standing directly in front of me. “And Castillo. For all the fucking love in the world that you claim to have for Bennett, fucking Castillo is an awesome way of showing it.”
“Who told you that I fucked Castillo?” The gloves were off now. I wasn’t about to have my name trashed over some shit I hadn’t done. If people wanted to judge me based off of my actions, then so be it. But to judge me on some shit I hadn’t done was grounds for some motherfucking noses to be broken.
“Don’t act like you didn’t. I wouldn’t even give a fuck if you did, except that you claim to be so into Bennett. I can’t understand how, for the life of me, you could lead on another female. And Leti is my friend. I’ll be damned if I watch you walk all over a friend of mine, seeing as how you already have once, and especially not with someone who you shouldn’t be touching with a ten foot pole.”
Bile rose in my throat. I was so incensed, and I knew that if I didn’t mentally talk myself down, Jensen would be on the receiving end of my fist and I just wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go another round with him. I slowly creeped over to him, standing so close that all breathing room had damn near been eliminated.
“I thought you were fucking smarter than that, but I see you’re about as dumb as the fucking rocks lining this yard. You want to hate me? Hate me. But do it with a sense of dignity. I did not sleep with Leti on Friday, and you fucking know it. You roll around in the mud, you’re going to get dirty.”
I stepped back and watched him. He didn’t flinch.
“As much as you hate what I have become, I hate what you are… what I was.” I turned and took a few steps towards the door before yelling out, “And hurry up and get your shit. You aren’t the fucking person I thought you were.”
I walked into the house and didn’t say another word to him. If he hated me, I was slowly learning to hate him right back. All of his self-righteous indignation was no more than a bucket of shit, pissed on twice as far as I was concerned. Did he have a point? Not in my mind. As long as I performed my job with no undue bias, there wasn’t shit he could say to me. My personal life was my personal life, and regardless of what the rules of the Corps said, I had reached the point of no return. Even with Cassie being mad, angry, disappointed, or whatever the fuck she was with me, I was determined to move forward.
And moving forward meant getting her back.
Early the next morning, I took a long run through Twentynine, letting Newsome and Jensen lead the students on their PT run. I needed as much distance from Jensen as humanly possible, and since we taught a class together, I had to steal away all I could get.
When I did make it to base, I was on a rampage, scouring the schoolhouse and looking for Castillo everywhere that I thought she would be.
No luck.
One of the females in admin said she had taken leave and wouldn’t be back until after the holiday.
Dammit!
I walked into the classroom. Newsome already had the class going for the day. Jensen was in the back, sifting through paperwork and never once making eye contact with me. If I hadn’t had the conversation I’d had with him the night before, it would have bothered me. But today—today, he was just another co-worker of mine, and interaction was unnecessary.
What did bother me was when I finally got a glimpse of Cassie and saw scratches on her forehead. What the fuck had happened to her? My fists subconsciously clenched into tight wads as I sat there, looking at the markings of what looked like a rabid animal. My heart lurched at the realization that something physical had happened, and I hadn’t been around to protect her. Sure, she was a Marine and was more than capable of defending herself, but that shit didn’t matter to me. Marine or not, and it was my job to make sure she was secure no matter what the circumstances.
I sat festering in my own self-anguish. Ungodly thoughts stabbed my brain as I thought about her altercation and how I was going to handle it once I had found out the story. I was sick to my stomach with queasiness, and even angrier with the fact that I wasn’t around for her and that she hadn’t even contacted me to let me know about it.
Had I lost her?
Had my own self-pity made me lose out on the one thing worth fighting for? I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that. I was just going to have to work that much harder to get her back even if I had to lose every so-called friend that I had.
I was going to get her back.
Newsome dismissed the class for lunch, and I promptly stood, making a hasty exit out the back door. I caught sight of Cassie, her emerald green eyes locking with mine. The emptiness that lay in them before was gone; her gleam was back. I walked right over to her, not caring about all of the eyes and ears that were probably trained on us, and quietly said, “I need you, in my office, now!”
Before she could say another word, I walked away, down the corridor, and into my office, where I took a seat and waited. A few minutes passed, and there was still no sign of her. She hadn’t texted to let me know that she wouldn’t be coming, and I was starting to get pissed by it all. Another five minutes passed and still nothing, so I stood and yanked on the door, prepared to go and find her if I had to.
Just as I swung the door open, there she stood, looking just as fucking beautiful and delicious as the first time I had seen her. No anger or bitterness could be found in her face. I couldn’t stand there staring at her. I had to get her inside, get her speaking again, hear her angelic voice tickle my eardrums.
I gently grabbed her hand and pulled her into my office, shutting the door behind her. The scratches on her forehead, while nothing too serious, sucker punched me and snatched the air away from me, leaving me grasping for it. My hand immediately floated up to them, and my fingers traced them as I grew more and more pissed by the second. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve any bullshit that I had inadvertently brought her way.
“I’m fine,” she finally said, her soft and delicate hand wrapping around my wrist, pulling my hand away. She smiled, easing me down from the anger filled ledge that I was standing on. “They’re just a couple of scratches, that’s all. No biggie.”
“Who did this to you?” My voice came out a menacing growl, definitely not intended.
“It doesn’t matter,” she replied, moving around me and taking a seat at my desk. I turned and watched her, my heart beating like it was on a sugar high. I couldn’t take her reply for an answer. I needed to know whose head I needed to rip off and stomp down.
“It matters to me. I don’t like seeing you hurt, Blondie. It’s killing me to see this on you.”
She lightly smiled. “I have been hurt far worse than th
is, Alex. I’ll survive.”
There it was.
A dagger for my heart.
Piercing stabs hit me with her dig at what I had done to her. It was well deserved, but even with that admission, it didn’t take any of the sting out of her words.
“I’ll take that. But I can’t take this. Someone deliberately went after you, and I’d lay my life on the line before I allowed that shit to happen again.”
“It won’t happen again,” she said, casually dismissing it. “Anyway, why was it so important for you to see me?”
Her casual response to whatever had happened had me a bit worried, but she wasn’t interested in divulging any information, so I bit my tongue—for once in my life—and went on with why I really wanted to see her.
“I haven’t heard from you since I asked you to go away with me. I’m growing impatient. I need you with me. Especially after seeing… this.” I pointed to her scratches again which she dismissively shook off.
“I don’t know, Alex. Your words and your actions are two different things. I let myself get caught up in you once, and you fucked me over. I’m not ready to go for seconds.”
She wasn’t holding back. The thick whip her tongue lashed at me made me feel like the piece of shit that I knew I had turned into with my one night of drunken stupidity. There wasn’t a damn thing in the world that I wouldn’t do to take that night back.
“You don’t owe me a goddamned thing, Blondie, but I’m asking you to take another chance on me. Remember what I was capable of doing to you within a few seconds of our eyes locking, our bodies touching, our hearts melding. I’d light my fucking face on fire if it meant I could take back all the bullshit, but I can’t. I just need you to take a leap, to see that I’ll catch you. I won’t let you fall.”
Her eyes squinted as she cocked her head. The wheels were turning; I could hear the pins moving with every turn. Before she had a chance to counter me, I placed my arm around her waist and pulled her into me. She let out a quick breath, my knee jerk reaction taking her by surprise. I sprinkled light kisses on her lips, her cheeks, and her neck. There wasn’t a place on her body where I didn’t feel like my lips belonged.