by M-E Girard
Pictures go up, one after the other, and it kind of blows my mind that we could’ve put something like that together. It doesn’t just look like some high school project. It sure as hell doesn’t look like something I’d be a part of. This looks legit, like a real series of photos you might read about online or see hanging in an art gallery. It looks like something to be proud of, something you’d want to show your parents. It’s epic, just like Blake said. My face or my truth might not be in it, but I’m still all over this project. I wonder what Johnny will think about it.
At the end Blake says, “This will win everything. I’m sure of it.”
Olivia says, “It’s not a contest. They’re just going to pick the best ones—”
“That’s how Blake talks,” I tell Olivia. “No one’s actually winning anything.”
Blake leans against me and says, “But for real, you’re going to win everything. And you get the prize.”
“Oh, god,” Robyn says. “Gross. Don’t be gross.”
I put my lips against Blake’s ear to tell her I want the prize.
After we pack everything up and head off in different directions to find our lockers, I walk by Tristan. He puts his hand up like he’s about to wave but gives up, and his gaze falls to the ground.
“Hey,” I say, and he stops. “If you wanted to come by my brother’s place later, I’m having some people over.”
“Oh yeah?” he says. “Can I bring Trent? We were gonna hit the bookstore tonight. Maybe we could come by after?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Legit!”
“I’ll text you the address,” I say. “And don’t tell Colby, all right?”
He gives me a thumbs-up. “Yeah, no worries, Pen.”
We bump fists, and then he takes off for his locker. At the same time, I pull out my phone and text him Johnny’s address.
WHEN THE LAST BELL goes off, I stop at my locker before meeting up with Blake and Olivia. We walk through school like this: Blake on my right, fingers hooked together, and Olivia to my left. We head for the lobby, talking about Blake’s show coming up at the end of December.
My eyes land on Colby and Garrett, hanging out by the girls’ locker rooms, just as Tim and Ray head over. It looks right, Colby surrounded by his people. Not so much because guys should stick with guys, but because pricks should stick with pricks.
There’s a look between us, and his mouth curls in a smirk.
I ignore it, but Colby’s gaze moves to Olivia, and he raises an eyebrow, nodding like he’s hitting on her. Olivia’s eyes are closed and she shakes her head slowly.
“Don’t react,” I tell her. “That’s what he wants. You know that.”
“Are you kidding?” Blake says, then she gives Colby the finger. Garrett starts laughing and holds both his middle fingers out. “That guy needs to be taken down a peg.”
I push her hand down. “Blake, seriously. You don’t know—”
“Yeah, I do. You think these guys aren’t calling me fat, or slut, or bitch every other day? You think I just put my head down and let it happen?” Blake says. “I mean—the guy told people I have crabs, for shit’s sake.”
Olivia’s still looking down.
“Look,” Blake says to Olivia. “I don’t know what the deal is with you and him—Pen’s been pretty good at keeping it all very secret—but it’s obvious you and Colby have bad history. Aren’t you sick of it yet? Aren’t you sick of walking around afraid you’ll run into him in the halls, that he’ll say something stupid?”
I’m about to open my mouth when Olivia goes, “Yes.”
“Don’t you guys think that maybe it’s time Colby felt like shit for a change?” Blake says.
The three of us glance over at him. He leans against the wall, a foot up against it. The look on his face makes it pretty obvious he’s loving the fact that we’re paying attention to him.
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s time.”
“So . . . let’s get him then,” Blake says.
FORTY-FOUR
BLAKE THINKS SHE CAN DO ANYTHING—AND SO far, it’s not like that’s ever been proven wrong. She stands there with this confident, no-one-can-mess-with-me glare, and Olivia’s gaze is glued to her.
“What do you want to do to him? How do you want to get back at him?” Blake asks Olivia. “And don’t pretend you haven’t thought about it a million times.”
Olivia’s voice is even, and her eyes are on Colby. “Pen took a picture of him.”
Blake waits for her to go on, her brow scrunching up like she doesn’t follow. But it’s like I already know what Olivia’s going to say.
“You didn’t delete it, did you,” Olivia says to me.
“No.”
She looks Colby’s way again, but he’s talking to Garrett about something, like she’s not worth his time anymore—again.
I fill Blake in. “I took a picture of him one of the days we were shooting for the project.”
Blake nods with an evil smirk. “Absolutely amazing. We are so putting it up there. What quote should we brand him with?”
“Can you send me the photo?” Olivia says to me. Her eyes stop me, flaming with this crazy intensity, and I think maybe this is her manning up right in front of me.
“Okay,” I say.
It’s not sitting right with me, this plan. It feels shady, this idea of humiliating him. But Blake’s right: it’s time Colby got back some of what he dishes out.
Tristan’s with the guys now. Garrett puts him in a headlock, messing up his hair. Tristan laughs and looks at the ground, like anyone’s supposed to buy he’s having a good time hanging out with his buddies. Free man, my ass.
“Let’s go wait out front,” Blake says. She touches my arm when I don’t follow her lead toward the doors.
“Tristan’s so pathetic,” I say, pointing at the guys. “Why doesn’t he just walk away?”
We all look at the guys, at Tristan in the middle. Just standing there.
“So call him over,” Blake says. When I give her my you-don’t-understand face, she says, “What? If he’s your friend, call him over.”
“It would just make things worse. He’d have to choose between me and Colby.”
“That won’t be a hard choice to make. Anyone can tell he doesn’t like Colby,” Blake says. “He’s one of us. He’s probably just been hanging out with them because he’s not sure you want him around.”
“That’s what he was telling you, back in the computer lab. You guys were friends first, before Colby came along,” Olivia says. “You got that, right?”
Blake and Olivia watch me while I watch Tristan.
“You guys go ahead,” I tell Blake. “I’ll catch up.”
Blake hooks her finger in mine and says, “Go be righteous, babe.”
“What!” I let go of her hand and throw mine up. “I was gonna call you babe. You beat me to it.”
“You snooze, you lose,” she says.
I watch the two of them wander through the lobby, headed for the doors. Over by the girls’ change room, the guys are talking, messing around.
I take a couple steps in their direction. They’re still at least twenty-five steps away.
“Tristan,” I shout. They all look over, even Tristan. I hitch my chin up. “You coming?”
His mouth spreads into a wide grin. He moves between Garrett and Tim, smoothing the dress shirt over his skinny chest, flinging his bangs into place. Then he turns to the guys, snaps his fingers into guns and, although I can’t see his face, I picture him winking at them.
Then he heads my way.
SO NOW IT’S TRISTAN and me, just walking away.
“Okay, so Trent is totally down for tonight,” Tristan says, like this is just us running into each other in the hall between classes. “I don’t have to bring alcohol, do I?”
“Nah, dude. This is just a very chill affair,” I say. “No booze.”
The pounding of feet against tile rushes toward us. My body tenses up. I knew it was comin
g.
“Wait up, girls,” Garrett yells, just as Tristan and I are about to reach the doors.
Tristan stops in his tracks. I smack his arm. “Keep walking! Come on, dude, man up.”
Blake’s watching from the curb. She taps Olivia on the arm, gesturing for her to pay attention. That’s when I glance behind me, seeing the guys making their way over. Colby pushes through them. “Get your ass over here, Tristan.”
“Uh . . . ,” Tristan says, waiting next to me. “You’re not gonna decide tomorrow that we’re not friends anymore, right? You’re not gonna do that again?”
“I didn’t—never mind.” I take a breath and put a hand up. “Do you want to hang out with those guys or not?”
Tristan shakes his head, then pretends to dust off his shoulders. “All right. All right. Let’s get out of here.”
So I push through the door, Tristan behind me. Blake and Olivia crowd around us, and we walk away as a group.
“Pen!” Garrett yells my name a couple times. Then he goes, “Steve! STEVEN OLIVEIRA!”
“Ignore him,” Blake says. “He’s bound to get distracted by a bright light soon.”
Tristan laughs. “Bright light. Legit, that’s legit.”
“Hey, Steve! Penelope! Just one question!” Garrett says. They’ve followed us out the door.
“I don’t care,” I throw over my shoulder. “No one wants to hear your stupid questions.”
“Just one!” Garrett says.
Olivia screeches to a stop and whips around. “What! What is your problem?”
We’ve all stopped and backed up to stand with Olivia on the curb, right around the spot we were the day she lost it on me after missing her bus. Garrett holds his hands up like a shield. The rest of the guys are pounding over, Colby at the front.
“Was it good?” Garrett asks Olivia.
“Was what good?” Olivia asks, and I wish she hadn’t.
“When Colby fucked you,” Garrett says to her.
I’m ready to lunge for him, but then Colby’s shouting from behind him, “Garrett—don’t you talk to her.”
Garrett makes this big show of acting like he’s just realizing some mistake he made. “Oh, wait, sorry. Not you.” He turns to me, even points a finger at me, and now that’s where everyone’s attention is. “I meant you, Pen. Was it good when Colby tapped that? Did it make you feel heterosexually straight? Did you feel like a woman?”
Someone pushes Garrett. He stumbles but recovers quick. I’m like a missile with Colby as a target before I even realize I’m the one who pushed Garrett because he was in the way. The girls are yelling my name. Colby veers right, circling the outside of the library, just jogging his ass away from this mess.
They’re laughing at me—I don’t know who. The laughter and the shouts are pushing me forward. He’s not getting away with this one.
I’m gonna get him.
FORTY-FIVE
OUT BY THE SOCCER FIELD, COLBY STANDS WITH a cigarette between his lips, like he’s waiting for me. He was my friend—that’s all I can think of while I rush over to him—he was my friend and I have no idea why anymore.
“Why did you do it?” I say. “Huh? Why?”
He lights the smoke and inhales. “Like you weren’t gonna tell? I just beat you to it.”
I turn to look back to the front of the school where Blake, Olivia, and Tristan are still standing around with Colby’s douche friends. Mrs. McCallion is there, and for a second I think it’s all over, that she’s going to see Colby and me and call this off. But her head never pulls up to gaze at us across the field.
“You told because you thought I was going to? I texted you about a truce. I walked away. I left you alone.”
“And you trying to take Tristan—what was that?”
“You don’t even like Tristan that much. And me and him were friends years before you came along.”
“You think you can just take things when they belong to other people,” Colby says. “You needed to be taught a lesson.”
“I didn’t steal anyone from you,” I say, my feet pounding the half-dead grass. “They’re people you threw away. You don’t even really want them.”
“Who says? Who says I didn’t want her? She was mine,” he says, pointing at me with his cigarette. “Stop talking out of your ass, Pen. And don’t act like you weren’t holding that crap over me, making your little fag comments and threats. You think you can just mess with me and nothing’s gonna happen?”
“You’re the one who’s messing with me!” Now I’m yelling.
“You’re going around acting like you’re some tough dyke trying to show me up. You’re obsessed with me, trying to be me. You’re not me. You’ll never be me. Physically impossible. She’ll never be into you.”
I hold my head up like, Huh? “So you lie and tell Garrett you and I did it?” I aim a finger at him. “You’re the biggest liar of us all.”
There’s a twisted grin, a couple drags of his cigarette, and the whole time he stares at me. He knows I hate being stared at. “Are you gonna cry? Because I hate it when girls do that.”
“Fine, tell people you got in my pants. If that’s how desperate you are, go ahead. I’m just glad Olivia was smart enough to tell you to screw off. She never wanted you around.” At that, he flings the cigarette at my feet and takes two steps closer to me, his fist bouncing at his side before he backs up again. His jaw’s working like crazy. “That’s the worst part of all this, isn’t it. You couldn’t get me. You couldn’t get Blake. You couldn’t hang on to Tristan, even. But Olivia—well, you love her; I know you do. So what do you do? You mess it all up because you can’t stop acting like a total psycho for five minutes.”
It’s all just falling out of me. I can barely stop to refill my lungs.
“It makes no sense—no fucking sense, Pen. You’re nothing,” he yells, his fists curling, his whole body going rigid. “You’re just . . . nothing—how the hell does it make any sense that everyone likes you better?”
There are no more words for a moment—only for a moment.
That’s what this is about?
“You don’t get to act jealous and blame this all on me!” He thought I’d cave, hearing him say that. He thought I’d back off. “You did this. You go around acting like you’re this big moral dude who has this code, except you’re just some guy who needs a bunch of—of peons worshipping you so you’ll feel badass. Nobody likes you because you’re not worth liking. That’s what we all end up realizing, sooner or later.”
And he cracks me one, right in the mouth.
FORTY-SIX
MY JAW FEELS LIKE IT’S SEPARATED FROM MY skull—but it only hurts for a moment, because the next one, I’m throwing myself on him. He collapses to the ground under my weight, and my hands claw at his jacket while I’m spitting in his face. It’s all red, streaking across his hair and cheek.
“Get off me!” he yells.
His collar’s in my hands now, and I’m pulling him up, slamming his shoulders and head into the grass. He thrashes under me, but I weigh more than he does. I go for his collar again, but he shoves me to the side. He gets up, dusting off his jacket, giving me enough time to scramble to my feet and shove him from behind.
“You’re gonna run away now? You pathetic piece of shit,” I say.
He lands in the dirt, yelling, “Dude, I swear to god I will fuck you up if you don’t get off me!”
“Yeah? Try it, then. Go ahead.” I hold my hands out like an invitation. “Get up.”
I kick at his feet, sending bits of dirt and grass flying onto him.
“Stop it! Stop it, Pen!” It’s Olivia, and it takes me a second to realize she’s telling me to stop—not him.
“Don’t tell me to stop,” I yell at her, even though she’s, like, two feet away. “You of all people shouldn’t be telling me to stop, all right? You should be standing right here with me.”
“Your face, Pen—there’s blood,” she says, reaching for me.
“I don
’t give a crap if there’s blood. He’s right there, Olivia.” I point at him as he drags himself off the ground. “Tell him off. This is better than some quote on a picture, okay? This is you manning up and telling him to go to hell.”
She stands there, looking at the ground in front of him—not at him. “This isn’t about me.”
“Are you nuts? So much of this is about you—you have no idea. Just tell him,” I say, pointing at Colby.
Now Olivia takes a few steps back.
“Olivia’s not a psycho bitch like you are, Pen,” Colby says.
I body slam him, but he’s ready for it, planting his feet on the ground. “Okay, all right!” he yells. “Back off!”
Suddenly, Blake’s in front of me. “Pen, you have to stop.”
“What’s with you people? You were all for this five minutes ago, Blake! I stop when I say I’m done, all right? You guys need to get out of my face. This is between me and him—and I’m not fucking done with him.” It doesn’t sound like me yelling; it sounds like Johnny when he’s so amped up, he doesn’t know what’s going on anymore.
I don’t know what’s going on anymore.
“Listen. To. Me.” Blake’s hands are on my arms. “You need to calm the hell down, right now. You’re going to get yourself arrested, Pen. He’s not worth that.”
“What are you talking about?” I shout.
I whirl around to see the blue and red lights flashing, the police cruiser pulling into the school lot.
My stomach flips, but then it gets worse when I see Johnny charging through the field.
FORTY-SEVEN
“DID I JUST SEE YOU PUNCH MY SISTER, MAN? DID I just see that, Colby?” Johnny yells, his arms out at his sides, his whole back curved like he’s about to trigger some overdrive move on Colby.
“It’s okay,” I tell Johnny, intercepting him before he can reach Colby. I put a hand on his chest. “Relax. Everything’s okay. Don’t get involved—please, man.”
“Let me see,” he says, lifting my chin with a finger. His head shakes from side to side the more he stares at my mouth, and that’s when it starts to hurt. “It’s not good, Pen.”