by T. L. Hayes
He had the TV tuned to The People’s Court, not because he had a passion for the law, but rather, a passion for the hot Latina judge who thought nothing of rattling something off in Spanish anytime one of the litigants said something completely stupid and she just couldn’t hold back her incredulousness any longer. He didn’t get to watch her every day but he relished it when he did, and it was a secret passion no one else knew he had, as his brother worked first shift and he had yet to share this secret with Rachel. He figured she would understand.
He was halfway through his bowl and the judge was halfway through tearing into some poor soul who didn’t bring enough evidence to support his claim when there was a knock at the door. Bobby put his bowl on the coffee table and muted the TV before he got up to answer. When he opened it, he was surprised to see who was on the other side.
“Mom!”
She seemed surprised as well and she took in his condition at a glance. He could tell she had sized up the situation accurately in that one glance, had noticed that he was in his socks and his hair wasn’t combed.
Finally, finding her voice, she said, “What are you doing here?”
Bobby gulped, momentarily taken aback by the abruptness in her tone and the fact that after two years he was finally face to face with his mother. Then he realized that she should have known Chris was working. “What are you doing here?”
“My son lives here. I have every right to be here. And you never answered my question.”
Realizing there was no point in lying, he said, “I live here.”
“Figures. Your brother always did have a heart for strays. He was always bringing in one rangy mutt after another. I guess you’re the latest.”
Trying to control his anger, Bobby said, “Yeah, guess so. Chris isn’t here, he’s at work.”
“I see. Well, I just wanted to make sure he was coming for dinner this Sunday. Tell him to call me.” She started to walk away.
“Why don’t you just call him?”
She hesitated. “You know I’ve always preferred face-to-face communication. Why should I call him when he’s only on the other side of town and I had other errands to run anyway?”
“You knew I was here, didn’t you?” Bobby crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned in the doorway. His mother wouldn’t look him in the eye.
Finally, she said, “Yes, I had heard from Mrs. Jackson across the street. She goes to my church, you know? She said she thought she saw you here but wasn’t sure. Said you looked so different. Said you looked like a boy, for crying out loud.”
“I am a boy, Mother, remember? I’m not trying to look like one. I thought you knew that by now.”
“No, you’re not!” Bobby’s mother looked around herself sheepishly, then stepped closer to him. “No,” she said, her voice lower, “you most certainly are not a boy. You were born a girl and that’s that. I know, I’m your mother. I was there when they put you in my arms.” There were the beginnings of tears in her eyes when she said, “They put the most beautiful baby girl in my arms. I looked into your eyes and said, There’s my Emily. And you smiled at me, like you recognized the name.” Her expression grew hard. “But this”—she indicated Bobby’s body and attire by waving her hand down the length of him—“this is not my daughter. I don’t know who this is.”
“I’m your son, Bobby. You have two sons, Mom. You always have.”
“No! I only have one son and his name is Chris. You are not a son of mine. You know what the bible says about wearing opposite-gender clothing? It says—”
Bobby cut her off. “Yes, Mother, I do. And I’m not wearing opposite-gender clothing. But I also know what the bible says about denying your relatives and loving one another. You taught me that. Don’t make me use your lessons against you. I always thought love was patient and kind, Mother. Or is the bible wrong about that too?”
“The bible is never wrong. And don’t you dare quote the Lord’s word against me! You’re the one going to hell, not me.”
“Is that what you came here for, to tell me that? You’ve told me that before. Next time you come, try to say something different or don’t come at all.” With righteous anger, Bobby slammed the door in her face, then slid down to the floor with his back to the door, brought his knees up, and covered his face with his hands.
He didn’t give in to the tears, he never did. He just rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. Why, why couldn’t she just accept him as her child? He didn’t understand where her vehement hatred came from or why he let it get to him so much. He knew he would never be able to accept her for the way she was, any more than she could accept him. They were at an impasse and neither was budging.
“I don’t need you!” he hollered, letting out a child’s plaintive cry of defiance, but he felt better once he said it. He didn’t know if she was still outside or not, but he hoped she still was and that she heard him. “Just let me be!”
He wiped his eyes before any moisture could fall from them and betray him. He took one more deep breath, let it out, then pulled his phone from his pocket and sent Rachel a text. Want to help me blow off work?
You, blow off work? That’s new. But okay, sure. You okay?
I will be when I see you. I need to see you.
Sure, baby. Can it wait an hour? In class right now.
Okay. What building? I’ll pick you up.
Rachel told him where she was and he told her he’d see her in an hour then put his phone back in his pocket. He glanced at the muted TV and said, “Sorry, Marilyn, our date’s off. Maybe another day.” He sighed at the TV, then got up from the floor and turned off the TV before picking up his bowl of forgotten spaghetti from the coffee table. “Dammit, and that was good spaghetti too. Now it’s ice-cold. Just like my mother’s heart. At least this I can warm up.”
Chuckling to himself, he went back into the kitchen to reheat his meal.
* * *
“I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I could make it better.” Rachel lay holding Bobby to her chest in her bed.
She’d brought him there after he picked her up from class and she saw the state he was in. He had bravely given her a smile but she hadn’t bought it for a second. Once in her room, she had taken his face in her hands and said, “Tell me.”
So, after sighing, he had put his hands on her hips, looked at the floor, and told her about his mother’s visit. When he wouldn’t look her in the eye, as if he was ashamed of the whole thing, Rachel put her arms around his neck and her cheek to his and sank into his arms as they encircled her waist.
She kissed his neck softly and said, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Then she had led him over to the bed and pulled him to her chest, where he lay against her now as if she was his only port in the storm.
“You are—making it better, I mean.” He snuggled closer to her and soaked up her warmth, taking in her scent, which was something light and floral and reminded him of spring. He breathed it in and sighed happily. He could feel the tension leaving his body as Rachel held him and stroked his hair.
“I’m just so sorry you had to go through that. I wish I had been there.”
Bobby chuckled against her chest. “Why, so you could threaten her with all that kung fu you know?”
Rachel laughed easily with him. “Maybe. She wouldn’t have known the difference. I would have done what I had to do. Nobody hurts my Sweet Boy.” Rachel kissed the top of his head and Bobby smiled into her neck.
“You’re like a lioness protecting her cubs.”
“You’re not my child—and thank God for that, let me tell you, don’t need that psychological minefield. But you are most definitely mine and don’t you forget it.”
He leaned his head back so he could look up at her and they shared a smile. “No, I definitely won’t forget it. Why do you think I’m here?”
Rachel gave him such a loving smile, and then she started singing something soft and slow. When she was done, he reached up and kissed her on the lips.
&
nbsp; When he pulled away, she said, “You like that?”
“Ah, Rachel, I think you could sing me to sleep. And I mean that in a good way.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. You want to nap? You want me to sing for you, baby?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t come over here just to nap in your bed. How rude would that be?”
“No, you came here because you needed me and I’m here for you. And if you need me to sing to you, I will.”
“You do have a lovely voice. Maybe you should be pursuing music and I should be going to your classes.”
“Nah, not for me. I just like to sing. I don’t want to pursue it professionally. If I can sing for you and it makes you happy, then that’s enough.”
“Everything about you makes me happy, Rachel. I just want to lie here with you, forget the rest of the world, and listen to your heartbeat. Is that okay? Can that be what we do today?”
She caught her breath. She felt so many things just then but none she could give voice to. Finally, after a moment, she said, “Yes, baby that can be what we do today.”
She kissed him sweetly on the lips, lingering just a moment with his bottom lip to remind him that she was available for whatever kind of comfort he needed, but she wasn’t insistent and when he didn’t return the passion, only the sweetness, she backed off and just continued to hold him, sighing contentedly. Then, she began to sing to him again, a favorite by The Pretenders this time.
Rachel reassured him over and over again that she would stand by him. She hoped he knew that her words were true and that she meant it every time. She felt his body relax and become more at peace as she continued to sing. This was where he belonged, and she hoped he knew that.
She felt the tears that must have rolled down his cheek because they dampened her shirt when he turned into her more and buried his face in her chest. She tightened her arms around him, and there was a catch in her throat, but she finished the song just the same. When she was finished, she leaned his head back and kissed both of his cheeks, kissing away the tears, then placed a small kiss on his lips. Without a word, she sat up just enough to pull off her shirt and throw it onto the floor. Then she pulled him back to her bare chest, and he put his face to her bare skin and kissed her hot flesh tenderly above her heart.
She whispered, “You’re mine and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.” She stroked his head and his lips found their way to her nipple and he began to lightly suck on it. She arched her back to give him better access, and he began the slow caress of her body with his fingers and lips and tongue.
Chapter Nine
Bobby sat at his brother’s kitchen table the next morning, nursing a large mug of coffee and trying to ingest some eggs, to help boost the testosterone he injected once a week. He had agreed to work an earlier shift today so that he could be off sooner and spend more time with Rachel. He wasn’t used to being up when his brother got up and usually missed the frenzied dance his brother did from his bedroom, to the bathroom, back to the bedroom, to the kitchen, back to the bedroom for that thing he forgot. It amused him and also always shocked him somewhat to see his brother dressed for work. His brother worked in a bank—doing what, Bobby wasn’t quite sure—which meant he wore a suit every day and carried a soft-sided leather briefcase. When he saw him like this, Bobby had to remind himself that this was the same guy who used to go mudding on the weekends and who had a closet full of camo clothing.
Bobby shook his head. He didn’t understand his brother but he was a good guy.
Chris came into the kitchen, set his briefcase in a chair, and tousled Bobby’s hair. Bobby grinned and smacked his hand away.
“What are you doing up so early, little brother?” Chris asked, as he was pouring his travel mug full of coffee.
Bobby swallowed and said, “Fuck off.”
Chris threw back his head and laughed. “Such language, little brother. So, anyway, how’d it work out with the hot blonde of yours?”
Bobby smiled and nodded. “It’s good.”
“Ah, good, glad to hear it. I knew it would work out.” They fell silent as Bobby ate his eggs and Chris sipped his coffee. Finally, Chris said, “So, Mom called me. Why didn’t you tell me she came by?”
“Sorry. It was a bad experience, as usual. I just wanted to get away from it. Sorry, I should have told you.”
Chris took a seat at the table. “How bad was it?”
Bobby nodded. “More of the same. She only has one son, I’m going to hell, I’ll always be her little girl. Same ol’, same ol’. I should be used to it by now, right?” Bobby attempted a smile but it faltered and he shifted his gaze from his brother’s eyes to the table.
“No, you shouldn’t be used to it!” The vehemence in Chris’s voice surprised Bobby, but in a good way. “This is her fucking problem, not yours. You’re who you’ve always been. Only now, as an adult, you can finally fully express that. She needs to work on getting over this if she wants to keep you in her life. Someday, you’re going to look really different and she’s not going to recognize you at all.”
“Yeah, and that would be bad how? Maybe when I have facial hair and no tits, she’ll finally be able to see me as a man. Or not. She may never come around.”
“Look, I know she’s our mother and it’s natural to want her to accept you. I get that. But try not to expect it. I’m not saying you do, just, you know, don’t expect too much from her. I don’t know if she’s ever going to change.”
“I know. I just don’t see why she came over here in the first place, if it was just to tell me the same thing. What satisfaction did she get out of that? I mean, does she enjoy making me feel like shit?”
“Maybe. Or maybe, in her own way, she’s doing what she thinks is best. Trying to save you from eternal damnation or some shit.”
“Are you defending that nutcase?”
“No, I’m trying to understand that nutcase. And accept her for who she is.”
“Don’t lecture me about that, Chris. How would you feel if she didn’t even recognize you as her son? Totally dismissed you. Turned you into persona non grata.”
Chris sighed. “I know I can’t wear your shoes. I am secure in the body I was born with and the world accepts me that way. So no, I can never know what it’s like for you, no matter how much I love you and am on your side. That’s a privilege I know I have. The last thing I’m going to do is tell you to forgive her and ignore her behavior. I just wish there was a way you two could find peace. This way is not good for either of you. Or me. She’s pissed at me now.”
“Sorry, man. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“Not your fault. And Dad’s just as bad. He backs up everything she says.”
“Of course he does. He’s afraid of her. She bosses him around, always has. Not that I’m defending him. He’s an asshole too.”
“Yeah, well, it runs in the family, I guess. I gotta get to work.” Chris stood up from the table and pushed his chair in, then picked up his briefcase and coffee. “What’s your girlfriend’s name?”
Bobby tried to suppress the grin but couldn’t. “Rachel.”
“You going to see her later?”
“Yeah, planning on it.”
“Well…give her a big sloppy wet one for me.” Chris grinned.
“Get out of here before I put egg yolk on that pristine white shirt of yours.” Bobby loaded his fork with egg and made as if to fling it at his brother.
“Ouch, harsh. Now that hurts. Fine, I’m going. See you later, little man.”
Bobby just grinned to himself as his brother left the kitchen.
* * *
Later that evening, when Bobby got off work and Rachel’s classes were done for the day, they were walking around the duck pond, hand in hand. Every once in a while, Bobby couldn’t resist stopping her for a kiss. It made her smile every time. He loved how her eyes seemed to shine when she smiled, and the look she gave him seemed to be filled with the same unexpressed emotion he felt.
“Rachel, has anyone ever told you that you’re wonderful?”
“All the time. It’s become such a cliché anymore.” She grinned at him and squeezed his hand.
“Oh, I see. I guess I’ll have to come up with something better to call you.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to call me anything—just keep calling me.”
“Yeah, I don’t think you’re getting rid of me at this point.”
“Really? Obsessed with me now, are you?”
Bobby threw back his head and laughed. “Definitely.”
“Damn, it was the singing, wasn’t it? Did I lure you from your ship into the ocean? Have I made you drown?”
“Yeah. And I don’t want to be saved.” He stopped her again, released her hand and put his hand on her waist, and kissed her.
Rachel reached around and moved his hand to her ass and their kiss broke into soft laughter. Bobby left his hand where she put it and leaned his forehead against hers.
Rachel sighed. “What am I going to do with you?”
“What do you want to do with me?”
“Mm, dirty, dirty things, my boy. Dirty, dirty things.”
“That sounds nice, but I think we need to find a better spot than this.”
Rachel encircled her arms around his waist and hugged him tight. “All things in time. I think I’m going to make you wait awhile. Make you squirm. Make you beg.”
Bobby groaned and Rachel chuckled evilly and pressed her breasts to his chest, just to torture him, he was sure.
“You enjoy that, don’t you?” he asked.
“Oh, I do, I definitely do.”
“As long as you still want me, I can’t complain.”
Rachel looked at his face and gave him a stern but affectionate look. “Of course I still want you. In fact, you’re so permanent in my life that you’re taking me to a wedding in the spring.”
“I am? Who’s getting married?”