“You did?” She gasps, coming to a standstill. “And what did you think?”
I know I can’t afford to reveal my true feelings, not even to my best friend. It will only encourage her and the infuriating tendency she has to try and help me improve my social life.
“He’s ok.” I shrug. “Nothing special.”
I keep on walking and wait for her to catch up with me, already preparing myself for the onslaught of questions which are about to be fired at me.
“Liar.” She retorts cheerfully, playfully slapping me on the arm.
“Excuse me?”
“You can’t lie to me, Serena. You want him.”
“I most certainly do not!” I exclaim loudly, struggling to conceal my mortification.
“Then why won’t you look at me?” She asks, forcing me to turn around and face her. “You can’t even give me eye contact.”
“Ok, so what if he is really cute? That doesn’t automatically make him a nice person, Lisa.”
“Ha! I knew you wanted him. I know your taste in men is pretty terrible but even you can’t deny the fact that he is absolutely gorgeous.” She reaffirms her point by folding her arms across her chest, daring me to deny it.
“Like I said, he might be handsome but that doesn’t mean anything to me. It would take more than that for me to truly be attracted to someone.”
I don’t know why I still haven’t told her about the brief encounter I had with Cole earlier. I suppose it’s because I don’t want her to exaggerate and make out it was something more. There’s also a part of me that wants to keep our conversation private. I have no idea why and I also know how deplorable I am to actually think that it meant something. I’m pathetic and really do need to listen to my best friend and get a life.
“I don’t really care about his personality, who needs one when you look like he does?”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I’m serious. He’s absolutely perfect and I honestly do not believe that there is a single woman on the planet who would be capable of turning him down.”
I wholeheartedly agree with her but choose to say nothing. There’s an unsettling and disconcerting feeling in the pit of my stomach which I can’t explain. All I know is that it started as soon as I collided with Cole. It’s almost like my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I instinctively know that the altercation I had with Cole will not be my last…
It’s been three weeks. Three weeks since I spoke to him, three weeks since he refused to give me back my phone and three weeks since he looked at me. It turns out I only share one class with Cole and that’s English. He only turns up when he feels like it and even when he does, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be there.
He sits on the back row and I sit near the front. We don’t socialise in the same circles and if I’m being honest, we hardly ever cross paths. He rarely comes into the cafeteria and similar to before, you can’t even catch a glimpse of him because he’s surrounded by so many people. People who don’t even acknowledge my existence and if they did it would only be to pass judgement or try and humiliate me.
You see, I made a mistake last year. It was the biggest mistake of my life and my punishment for it is that everyone I encounter actually knows about it. I was foolish and let my guard down when a guy in my year called Lewis started to show an interest in me. He barely spoke to me at school but had plenty to say when we were alone together. He sent me hundreds of texts, bombarding me with compliments as he tried his best to convince me that his feelings were genuine.
I eventually fell for it and believed him. One night we stayed up really late, texting back and forth until the early hours of the morning. I didn’t take his suggestion as anything serious at first and laughed it off, certain that the request he had just made of me to send him naked pictures was a joke.
It wasn’t. He kept on and on at me, extremely persistent and in the end he became threatening. I don’t know what possessed me to do it but I gave into him. The phone was in my hand and it was almost like it took the provocative photos by itself.
I sat there in silence, stunned and more than a little dazed by what I had just done. I waited for his response but it never came. I don’t know what I was hoping for. I suppose I was hoping for a compliment of some sort but I guess that was too much to ask for. The naïve and idiotic part of me convinced myself that he was in awe, gazing at my photos in adoration before he decided to text me back. I needed him to assure me and make me feel better about what I had just done. I wanted him to tell me that I was beautiful, perfect and the ideal girl for him.
Of course that never happened. I received no response and had to go to school the next day with a heavy heart. I was slightly worried when it came to seeing him but nothing in this world could have prepared me for what really happened.
My pictures were everywhere. He sent them all to his friends and then they sent them onto theirs. Everyone was talking about it and I had to contend with the hateful glares from the girls and the lustful gawping from the boys. I never felt safe, constantly living in fear and regret. I didn’t have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and I had no desire to start engaging in the world where you spent your life online. Social networking was not my thing but I still knew my embarrassing photos has been leaked.
Lisa tried to hide it from me but I eventually managed to get it out of her. She told me the truth and revealed the true extent of the hideous exploitation against me. I thought about reporting him but decided against it, knowing that the police would have to interview me and then my mother would probably end up finding out about what I had done. I decided to suffer in silence and pray for my humiliation to end. I cried myself to sleep most nights, trying to rid my mind of the vile and disgusting things the people at school thought they could call me.
The guys thought I was a slut and so did the girls. They spoke about me as though I no longer mattered, spitting at me in the hallways and using bright red lipstick to write ‘whore’ on my locker.
That’s when the scratching started. I had to find a release and wrongly believed that deliberately harming myself would help to relieve some of the misery I was consumed by. It didn’t. It only made things worse and it still does. I try not to do it all the time but sometimes… I just can’t help it.
Lewis left our college right before the summer holidays began and words cannot describe how elated I was when I knew I would never have to see him again. The gossiping eventually subsided and what happened eventually became boring. It was old news and I couldn’t have been happier about it.
The only one who stuck by me was Lisa. She refused to turn her back on me and I will never be able to thank her enough for her kindness. She was ostracised for a little while too but she’s slowly managed to climb her way back up the metaphorical social ladder and for that I am grateful.
The individuals who broadcasted the photos of me are the same people that Cole now chooses to hang around with. None of them are good people and this why I choose to believe that neither is he.
I’ve been a social outcast since that day, overlooked and ignored, laughed at or treated with contempt. I’ve also become used to the anonymity that comes with being invisible and I think that’s why I was so unnerved by my initial meeting with Cole.
It’s like he saw me. He actually saw me and that matters, even if it was just for a split second.
Every time I start to think like this, I chastise myself and do everything in my power to rid myself of these feelings. I remind myself how stupid I was to feel any sort of connection towards Cole. He’s so far out of my league, I know he would never seriously consider someone like me.
I have long brown hair, green eyes, a pale complexion and I’m too short. Everything about me is insignificant and when I compare myself to the girls he hangs around with, I know I’ve been incredibly stupid. Stupid to think that anything would stem from our meaningless Collison.
I’ve just finished my final class of the day, it’s actua
lly the last lesson of the week seeing as its Friday and I can’t wait to get home, grab something to eat and relax. I’ll have the house to myself of course. It’s not like my mother’s ever home and when she is she barely manages to acknowledge my existence. We’ve never been close but lately… the distance between us is becoming more and more apparent, neither one of us can ignore it anymore and I’m struggling to see any way forward for either one of us. It’s like we’re strangers, strangers that live in the same house, have meaningless conversations and make out that we’re normal.
In actual fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
“Hey! Sorry to keep you waiting, have you been here long?”
I’m startled by Lisa when she sneaks up behind me, linking her arm with mine as we set off to walk.
“No, just a few minutes.” I reply, trying really hard to rid myself of my reflective thoughts.
“Good. Shall we get out of here?”
We’ve only been walking a few minutes when Lisa mentions another party going on tonight. Every one of us is soon to turn eighteen and the amount of celebrations and house parties going on right now is endless.
I turn eighteen next month but don’t have anything planned for it. I’ll probably just spend it at home and invite Lisa to spend the evening with me. I don’t drink and I don’t have many friends so a party is something that’s definitely out of the question.
“So, do you think you will be able to come?” Lisa asks, nudging me in the side when I fail to answer.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
I have no idea what Lisa was talking about and instantly feel bad for not listening to her. It’s just that my mind is elsewhere these days and it has been since my first day back at college, since I ran into Cole and he read my text. The text which changes everything.
“I said do you think you’ll be able to come to Stacey’s party tonight?” Lisa asks again, patiently repeating her question. “I promised her I would go but don’t really fancy turning up by myself.”
“You know I hate things like that. I don’t know how to be or how to act.” I complain, almost angry with her for making such a suggestion to me when she knows how I would feel about it.
“Don’t be silly, you know I’ll be there with you.”
She squeezes my arm gently, trying to provide me with some comfort.
“Lisa, the last people I want to socialise with are the ones who ignore me all day at school. Why would I want to go anywhere near them after they’ve purposefully made my life a living hell for the past year?”
“You’re missing the point, Serena. It’s not about them, it’s about you.” She states firmly. “You have to start living again after what happened and you have to try and move on after what that bastard did to you. You’re letting him win if you carry on like this.”
“Like what?” I challenge her, unable to keep the resentment I am feeling out of my voice.
I really don’t mean to turn on my best friend like this but I can’t help my defensive mechanisms. They’re in place so I can rebuff what she’s saying but… deep down, I know she’s speaking the truth.
“You’re so cautious now. You’re painfully shy and you’ve let Lewis win. You made a mistake, one which you have more than paid for and you need to move forward. This is our final year at college before we leave and go off to Uni and I want us to make some good memories together. You can’t spend your final year stuck at home all the time just because it makes you feel safe.”
“So… what are you suggesting?”
I sound so timid and nervous. I’m a shadow of my former self and I do resent the fact that one person’s ignorance and stupidity has done this to me. Lewis is long gone, he left and I know he won’t ever give me a second thought. Why do I continue to live in the past? Why do I still carry the weight of regret around with me?
“I suggest that we go to Stacey’s party tonight. We don’t have to stay there long and we can leave whenever you feel its time. Trust me, Serena. I won’t let anyone say anything to you.”
“And we can leave whenever I want?”
I need to know that she means what she’s saying. If I really am about to put myself in the firing line for the sake of some party, I need to know that my escape plan is set. It’s a huge risk that I’m taking and I have to be certain I will be ok.
“Yes. I promise you.” She assures me, taking hold of my hand.
I nod my head in acceptance, scarcely able to believe what I’ve just given my consent to. All I can do now is hope and pray that tonight goes well, that I remain free from the shame and stigmatisation that has been placed upon me for the past year.
Six hours later and it’s almost time. Lisa said she would pick me up at nine and it’s already 8.45. I’ve spent the last few hours trying to figure out what I’m going to wear, searching through my stuff in a state of despair. It’s not like I have anything decent and my pride simply won’t allow me to call Lisa to see if she has anything I could borrow. I’m stuck.
I should just phone her and cancel. I could always make up some excuse and hope to God she believes me.
She wouldn’t.
Lisa knows me far too well and she would see right through my cowardice. She won’t let me worm my way out of this so I might as well face the inevitable.
Deciding to search through my wardrobe one final time, I finally come across a small T-shirt I can’t even remember buying. I pair it with a faded denim skirt I’ve already selected and quickly change into my chosen outfit, hoping it will look ok. I don’t want to appear like I’m trying too hard and that’s why it was so important for me to find the right combination of cute and comfortable.
Now that I’m changed there’s nothing else to do but wait. I make my way downstairs and switch on the TV, muting the sound so I can watch the silent images onscreen. I’m so nervous, I can barely concentrate, struggling to focus on anything but my erratic breathing.
The only sound to be heard comes from the living room clock. The seconds tick by as I wring my hands together, waiting for Lisa to pull up outside in her car. She’s only just passed her test and is still a little nervous when it comes to driving. That’s the reason she still walks home with me every night after we finish college. She’s hesitant about turning up at school and embarrassing herself by reversing into a teacher’s car or something.
I chuckle to myself, imagining Lisa in a panic as she tries to pull out of the school parking lot. She’s a bit like me in the sense that she gets stressed so easily and worries about everything. We’ve been friends for ten years and even though we look nothing alike, she sometimes feels like the sister I never had. Being an only child can be lonely, especially when you feel like you live by yourself most of the time.
I came home from college to find a note from mum. She must have popped home at lunchtime and left it for me then. It was straight to the point, advising me to order some takeout food for me to eat because she wouldn’t be here to make anything. I knew that meant she wouldn’t be home for the rest of the night and felt angry with myself for being disappointed. Why do I continue to expect something different from her? She’s been like this for as long as I can remember and I have to realise that nothing will ever change. My mum prefers men, alcohol and her job as a receptionist at the local hospital over me and that’s how it’s always been.
The sound of a car pulling up outside forces me to jump up from the sofa as I race over towards the window. Sure enough it’s Lisa, waving at me behind the steering wheel. I take a deep breath, grab my small bag which is waiting for me by the door and lock up. I’m very careful walking down the front door steps because of the heels that I’m wearing. They’re not too high but they’re certainly taller than I’m used to. I did consider choosing my flats instead but realised how tiny that would make me. I felt like I needed an extra bit of height to feel more confident and capable of getting through this evening.
“Wow, you look gorgeous!” Lisa compliments me as soon as I climb in the c
ar next to her.
“Thank you.” I murmur softly, not used to someone praising me so warmly. “So do you.”
I genuinely mean it. Lisa’s outfit is a stylish blend of chic and casual, opting to wear a sparkly blue top with a pair of smart jeans. She’s the complete opposite of me when it comes to her outer appearance. She has long blonde hair, blue eyes and is a few inches taller than I am. She has curves that would make any woman envious (including me) and she’s also got a much darker skin tone than my own.
I suddenly notice that she’s got on her knee high boots and I instantly regret my own choice of clothing, wishing I had chosen something a little less revealing instead.
“What’s wrong?” My best friend inquires, immediately sensing that something is wrong.
“Maybe I should go and change.” I whisper, staring down at my skirt. “There’s a pair of jeans I could change into, I think I’m going to wear them instead.”
I grab hold of the handle on the car door, desperate to get back inside and change before I start freaking out completely.
“Serena, wait.” She grabs hold of my arm, preventing me from getting out. “You have to stop worrying about this because you look amazing. You’re going to ruin your whole outfit if you wear a pair of jeans with that everyday T-shirt. The cute denim skirt you’ve picked really works. Please don’t be nervous and please don’t go and change.”
“Ok.” I acquiesce, smiling gratefully.
She grins back at me and stars the car, taking off around the corner before I have a chance to fasten my seatbelt.
It only takes us a few minutes before we arrive outside Stacey’s house. She’s quite popular at school and has many friends but I’m still surprised to see the amount of people who have actually turned up. There are cars everywhere as well as a large group of people outside, expanding the anxiety which has already built up inside of me during our journey over here.
I try to remain calm, remind myself over and over that it’s just a house party. A simple gathering which I can choose to leave at any moment. I have every right to be here and I cannot let my past or the one mistake that I made to take away any more of my happiness.
That Summer (Part One) Page 2