“Don’t be sorry. It’s not like I regret anything.”
“You don’t?”
“Not a single thing.” I reply with certainty.
“That’s good. I always say that the past is gone and there’s nothing we can do to change it. There’s no point in carrying the weight of regret. It’s pointless.”
“You’re right.” I acknowledging, recognising the truth behind his statement. “I never thought of it quite like that though.”
“That’s why… that’s why I think I should stay here tonight.” He concludes, awaiting my reaction.
“You think you should stay?” I repeat incredulously.
“I’m serious. I can sleep on the sofa or on the floor in your bedroom, anything you want, Serena. I don’t like you staying by yourself.”
“I’m used to it by now.” I respond flippantly, as though it’s no big deal.
“I still don’t like it. It’s not safe.”
“But it’s not as though you can spend every single night here when I’m alone. So what’s the point in just staying for one night?”
“Why not? It’s not like your mum’s here to stop us.”
“Well, it’s… it’s just not practical and I don’t want to rely on you for anything.”
“Green, I really want to spend the night with you but only on your terms. Like I said, I don’t mind sleeping on the floor or even on the couch. I promise I’ll make sure I’m gone by the time your mum gets in from work tomorrow.”
“W-would you stay in my bed if you spend the night?”
“Of course not.” He answers too hastily, glancing at me when I stay silent. “I mean, I would but only if you wanted me to. It’s your decision.”
“I think I do… want you to stay, I mean. I want you to sleep with me.” I say timidly, nervous when it comes to hearing his response to me.
“Serena…” He warns, groaning in frustration.
He tugs his fingers through his hair in anguish, clearly in the midst of making one difficult decision.
“I’m not saying I want us to have sex.” I add speedily. “I’m nowhere near ready for something like that. All I’m saying is it would be nice if you could stay here with me tonight.”
“I know it would, baby.” He murmurs softly, twirling a few strands of my hair between his fingers. “That’s what made me suggest it to you in the first place. My only concern is if my hands start to wander in the middle of the night without me even realising and my dick has a mind of its own. I really don’t want you to feel like I’d be pressurising you into anything and if you feel uncomfortable at any point, please feel free to kick me the hell out of your room.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t hesitate to do so.” I promise, settling back down to watch the rest of the movie.
I’m more nervous than I thought I would be as we make our way up the stairs one hour later. I start questioning the decision I made to invite Cole into my bed and race through all the possible scenarios which might still happen if I see it through.
“Serena, I really don’t mind staying downstairs.” Cole reiterates, standing outside my bedroom doorway. “Just chuck me a spare blanket and a couple of pillows. I can stay on the sofa downstairs.”
“It’s quite chilly tonight.” I say softly. “That’s why I need you to keep me warm… kind of like an electric blanket.”
“Gee, thanks.” He quips drily, struggling to conceal his laughter.
“Why else would I want you in my bed?” I tease him, deliberately trailing my fingers down his chest. “On a serious note, I think we might have a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Let me try and find it for you.”
“Thanks, I could never go to sleep without doing that. Even as a kid I was real fussy when it came to cleaning my teeth every night. ”
I make my way into the bathroom, opening the cabinet so I can search for the spare tooth brush.
“Really? I’ve always been the same. As a little girl I actually used to look forward to it at bedtime.”
“Now that’s kind of embarrassing.” He jokes, coming up behind me so he can whisper into my ear. He squeezes my waist possessively, nuzzling against the sensitive skin on my neck. “When do you turn eighteen?”
“Next month.” I answer, turning around to face him. “How about you?”
“I’m already eighteen. It was my birthday right before school started.”
“So you’re just a couple of months older than me?”
“I guess so.”
“I sometimes feel like you’re years older than I am.” I reveal.
“Why is that?”
“I guess it’s because you have so much more experience.”
“You mean sex?” He demands, circling his strong fingers around my wrists.
“Not just that… everything.”
“Serena…” He sighs heavily and closes his eyes, waiting a few moments before he continues. “I was sexualised way too young and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Please don’t be resentful of the experience I might have. It’s not something I’m proud of.” He says sadly, lowering his head.
He looks so different to the confident version of himself I’ve come to know. He resembles a lost boy, consumed by his remorse and regret. His vulnerability leaves him exposed and I long to reach out to him so I can console him in any way that I can.
“How old were you?” I whisper, reaching up so I can touch his face and meet his gaze.
“I was thirteen.” He admits, lowering his voice.
“Wow, that’s… you were just a child.”
“Exactly.” He agrees, turning his back on me for the first time since he arrived. “Thank God it wasn’t you. I’d go fucking crazy if I knew some sick bastards had taken your virginity at that age. I’d have to rip his fucking throat out.”
“Cole, don’t speak like that.” I chastise him gently. “I’m most definitely still a virgin so there’s nothing for you to worry about on that score.”
“Thank fuck for that. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if I knew someone else had touched you. At least now I get to know that you’re all mine.”
“Don’t start all that again.” I beg him. “Now go and clean your teeth so we can get some sleep.” I instruct him, finding the spare toothbrush in the cabinet before I hand it to him.
“Yes, Ma’am.”
I roll my eyes at him and smile, walking back into my bedroom. He joins me a few minutes later and we switch places so I can go and clean my teeth instead.
It’s somewhat strange for me to find Cole in my bed waiting for me when I get back. I’ve never shared my bed with anyone before so the whole concept is rather disconcerting to an extent.
“Are you ok?”
“I’m fine, it’s just a little weird seeing you in my bed.” I admit, closing the distance between us as I switch the bedroom light off.
“I can sleep on the floor if it will make you feel more comfortable?” He offers once again, eager when it comes to making me feel comfortable.
“I want to sleep with you.” I murmur, shifting uncomfortably.
“God, you have no idea what those words to me.” He groans, burrowing his face into my pillow. “Fuck, even this smells like you and its turning me on. I really don’t know if this is such a good idea.”
“I just want you to hold me.” I whisper, hating the fact that I’m almost begging him. “Please.”
“Come here.”
I climb in beside him and feel his arms around me in seconds. He pulls me close, pressing his front against my back as his fingers trail up the inside of my thigh. I moan loudly, relishing in the exquisite sensations his touch ignites.
“Cole…”
“I swear we can take this nice and slow, Green. I promise you I’ll never force you into anything you’re not ready for but I can’t help it… I need to kiss you right now. I don’t have a choice.”
I slowly turn around to face him, thankful for the stream of moonlight pouring in through my bedroom window, ill
uminating his rugged features and highlighting his breathtakingly handsome good looks.
“So kiss me.” I moan, pressing my lips together in an attempt to encourage him.
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t make me beg…”
His fist tangles in my hair, narrowing the space between us as he draws me closer towards him. His breathing is laboured, erratic and engulfing as he crushes his chest against mine. The warmth from his body seeps into my own, sparking my arousal and inflaming the most sensitive part of my body.
My legs part, wrapping themselves around his waist so I can bring myself even closer to him. His lips kiss the soft skin against my throat, his tongue tasting and caressing me in such an intimate way. It’s like we’re gradually moulding into the same person. We’re no longer two separate people, we’re becoming one.
Cole places his index finger underneath my chin, lifting my face up towards his. His smouldering brown eyes drop down to my mouth, watching me intently. My tongue peeks out, moistening my bottom lip as I await his next move. He growls in frustration, taking me by surprise when his mouth crashes against my own, colliding with such ardency and desperation, it’s enough to take my breath away.
His tongue separates my lips, sliding inside my mouth so it can meet with mine. Our tongues tangle together, stealing each other’s oxygen as we become acquainted with the other person’s kisses. I can’t keep myself from moaning loudly, curling my fingers through his hair as I bite down on his lower lip.
My response emboldens him to take it further as becomes more forceful, taking from me what he needs as well as giving me what I desire. Our passionate kiss quickly becomes something else entirely when he starts tugging at my clothes, hasty in his quest to uncover more of my skin.
His stubble scratches me as his mouth devours my neck and then my collarbone, moving across my shoulders and then down towards my breasts. His left hand finds its way inside my T-shirt, tickling my stomach whilst his right cups one of my breasts, squeezing my hard nipple through my clothing.
His mouth is just about to latch onto my nipple when I come to my senses. I realise how quickly things have escalated between us and know I need to be the strong one right now by putting a stop to it. I don’t want either one of us to regret this in the morning and like Cole said, it needs to be the right moment for us and it has to be special. I’m pretty sure that I’m still not ready for anything more than this and even though it pains me to do so, I have to stop him.
“Cole… Cole we can’t do this.” I murmur, closing my eyes in an attempt to build up my resistance against him.
“Mmhmm, why not?” He teases me, opening my legs a little wider. “Why can’t we do this?”
“Because it’s all happening too fast.” I pant breathlessly, squirming against him in pleasure. “I’m not ready.”
He freezes, breathing heavily. He remains silent for a few moments and so do I, the sounds of our breathing and our heartbeats fill my bedroom, intensifying the transcendent moment between us.
“Shit, Serena. I’m sorry.” He apologises, slowly releasing me from his warm embrace. “I got carried away again and I promised you I wouldn’t.”
“Its fine, I understand. I got swept up in the moment as well.”
“God, I really don’t know if I should spend the night with you in this best. The temptation is too much and you’re beyond irresistible.”
“Please, try. Please?” I beg him. “I’ve never slept with anyone before. I want to sleep with you tonight.”
He groans once more, staring up at my ceiling in deep contemplation. I can see the conflict on his face and I wish I had the power to make it a little bit easier for him.
“Of course, baby. I want to spend the night with you too.” He smiles, turning over on his side so he can look at me directly. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”
We snuggle against one another and I start to relax, slipping into a blissful state of contentment and tranquillity as my eyes become heavy.
“I know this is really random.” Jake whispers, hesitating before he continues. “But I have to know if you’re on the pill.”
Jake’s statement is startling and I look up at him in question, wondering where on earth something like that would come from.
“You mean..?”
“The contraceptive pill.” He clarifies. “Are you taking it?”
“No. Why would I be?”
“I don’t know. Some girls take it for all types of reasons, don’t they?”
“You mean to regulate their period or something?”
“Yeah, I guess…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t really know anything about it but I just wanted to make sure.”
“Do you want me to start taking it?” I ask him, uncertain when it comes to how I should feel about it making such a big decision.
“Yeah, I do but it has to be your choice, Serena. If you don’t want to go on it then it just means we’ll have to use condoms or I’ll have to pull out of you every time I need to come, which is something I really don’t want to do.”
“I don’t want that either and I don’t want anything between us, Cole.”
“So… you’re going to consider it?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“That’s great, baby. I’ll feel so much better once I know we’re covered. I won’t have to worry about getting you pregnant every time I make love to you.”
“Make love?” I chortle, taken aback by his choice of wording.
“Shit, I knew that sounded cheesy as hell.” He groans. “Don’t tell anyone I said that, ok? Not even Lisa.”
“I thought most guys describe sex as fucking or something equally as crude.” I remark scathingly, recalling the numerous conversations I’ve overheard from some of the guys at school.
“We do but only when it’s with a girl we don’t care about.”
“I can’t believe anyone would even want to have sex with someone they don’t care for.” I say bitterly.
“I just mean that we think of it as something different when it’s with a girl we think is special.”
“I see.”
“Don’t get me wrong, there will be times when we fuck and times when I won’t be able to take it nice and slow with you but I have no doubt that it will still mean something to because it’s you.”
His admittance stuns me and the thought of what he just described floods me with heat as my arousal increases.
“Y-you told me you’ve been sleeping with too many people lately.” I murmur, desperate to change the subject and find out the truth at the same time. “I need to know how many, Cole. I also need to know if you’ve been careful.”
“I’m ashamed to say I’ve lost count of how many there has been lately and I’m also embarrassed to admit that I haven’t always used anything. I know there’s a huge chance you might hate me for it but I can’t lie to you.”
“So you don’t always use protection?”
“If I don’t use a condom, I always make sure the girl I’m with is taking something instead. I still know it’s fucking careless and beyond stupid but half the time I’ve been too drunk to think about what the consequences might be.”
I try to extinguish the jealousy that’s rising up inside of me, willing myself to focus on the fact that Cole is with me and his past is something neither one of us can change.
“Well, the first thing you have to do is get tested.” I advise him, amazed by how calm my voice is. “Unless you’ve had them already?”
“I have but that was several months ago. I’ve been meaning to book an appointment since I got here and I’ll make sure I make one tomorrow, I promise you.”
“It’s for your own peace of mind as well as mine.” I say, emphasising how important it is for him to know that he’s ok.
“I know that, baby. I don’t mind having the tests, I really don’t.” He assures me.
I smile up at him and sigh with contentment, trying to stifle my yawn. I can’t hi
de how tired I am from him for a moment longer. I’m utterly exhausted and all I want to do now is close my eyes.
“We best try and go to sleep now.” I announce drowsily, snuggling back down against him.
“You look so tired. Do you really have to go to school tomorrow? Can’t you miss one day?”
“Cole, I’ve never skipped a single day of school before in my life” I divulge, somewhat embarrassed by my statement.
Everyone has skipped at least one day of lessons, right? Everyone except me of course.
“So one day really won’t matter, will it? Just think about it, Serena, we could spend the whole day together without any interruptions. How perfect would that be?” He entices, gazing steadily at me.
“What about my mum? She might be at home tomorrow.” I speculate, weighing up the pros and cons of me actually missing school the following day.
“If she is then you can always come over to my place.” Cole offers, persistent in his quest to convince me.
“She probably won’t even be here. She might choose to spend tonight at a friend’s house and spend the day there as well.”
“So it’s settled. You and I will get to spend the entire day together tomorrow. Just us.”
“Just Us.” I repeat uncertainly. “You already know I can’t say no to you, Cole. You’re my weakness.”
“Needing someone is not a weakness Serena. It’s a strength.” He declares boldly.
“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.” I whisper, feeling dubious and doubtful.
I eventually fall into a restless and agitated sleep, tossing back and forth as my disturbing dreams continue to obstruct my relaxation. I dream that there is this supreme, unyielding and omnipotent force which somehow wants to keep me and Cole apart. Every time he is in reach and I can almost touch him, this magnetic, unseen power steals him away from me. The distance between us increases until I reach the point where I can’t even see Cole anymore. He’s vanished right in front of me and even though I can hear him calling my name, I know there is no way back for us.
He is gone forever.
Chapter Seven
Over the next couple of weeks, Cole and I spend most nights together. He usually waits until my mum has gone to bed before he comes over and I’ve somehow managed to sneak him inside without getting caught. Thank God my mum still works a lot of overnight shifts at the hospital, allowing Cole and I to have the whole house to ourselves without the risk of disturbing her.
That Summer (Part One) Page 13