“Wait for me.”
I force my eyes open, biting back the flood of pain that rushes to greet me. The burning sensation is almost unbearable as I wake. Golden light fills the room, rendering me blind for a moment. In the center of the bathroom, a small portal opens. From it, the only one who can heal me now.
The only one to ever heal me.
Nesy.
She bends down to me, her golden hair hanging in long waves around her face and down her back. Wings of white feathers and spun gold extend behind her.
“Aydan,” she whispers. Her blue eyes lock with mine, reaching into the depths of me.
Nesy is here, come to save me again.
“Come with me Aydan. Please.”
I’m desperate to comply. I push up on my elbows. Blood coats my arms, the tiles. My mind sloshes in a thick haze. My stomach churns.
“You must stand Aydan.”
I can’t. I’m too weak.
Maybe I am already dead.
“You aren’t dead. But you must stand. You aren’t safe here.”
Again I try to comply. I grab the sink for support and pull myself up, choking on the nausea that overwhelms me. I spit out the bile and rinse my arms, my face, the sink.
“Come,” Nesy says, extending her hand. “We must go.”
I am mesmerized by her appearance. She looks exactly as I remember her—same golden hair and skin. Same blue eyes. She’s dressed in her armor. There are no battles wounds marring her skin, no evidence of the life I know she’s lead. The death she endured.
I draw a deep breath, smelling sunshine and vanilla. It has to be her.
“Nesy,” I whisper as I reach for her, stumbling under the weight of my injuries.
She catches me, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Let me help you,” she says.
“Nesy?” My voice is faint as I again feel myself losing consciousness. “How?” My eyes start to close.
“You have to stay awake, my love.” She steadies me with her body. “Come, walk.”
I force myself to move, following her lead as we walk out of the cramped bathroom.
“You came for me,” I stammer.
“I never left you.”
A smile forms on my lips as I lean into her, desperate to stay conscious. My mind grows heavier. I’m not sure how long I can stay conscious now.
“Let me heal you,” she whispers. “Let me try.”
I am too weak to respond as my mind swims in an increasing haze. I nod, locking eyes with my beloved. All at once I feel her in my thoughts, my body, my soul. I let her have me, let her see every dark space. I want her to heal me. I need her to clear out the demons, the Beast. I need her to remove the evil that still lives inside.
I need her to love me again.
My body trembles as she examines my memories. She pauses at the images of Nessa, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Is she looking at herself? Or is Nessa someone, something, else?
“Relax,” Nesy says, sensing my discomfort. “You need to relax if I am going to heal you.”
“I love you, Nesy.” It’s the only thing I can say.
“I know. I love you too. I always will.”
She retreats from my thoughts and I open my eyes, meeting her gaze.
“I will never leave you, Aydan. I need you to believe that.” Her voice lingers in the air, surrounding us in a cocoon. In this space we are safe. Here there is nothing that can come between us, nothing that can hurt us.
Part of me believes this to be nothing more than an apparition, a trick of my dying mind. Another part of me knows there is nothing more real than this moment, our love.
I close my eyes and lean in, finding her lips with mine. A thousand fears and hopes explode as we touch and my body again ignites.
“Nesy,” I say, my voice ragged.
She covers my mouth in a kiss that steals my remaining breath, removes my doubts.
I pull her to me, mindless of the pain still radiating throughout my body. I need to erase the distance between us, need us to become one again.
My body trembles. Our lips part as our tongues close any remaining distance. Her touch, her kiss, breathes the life back into me. Every spot is healed, every doubt erased, every fear extinguished.
Nothing but love exists now. Forever.
“I love you Aydan,” Nesy says as she begins to pull away. “I will find you again. Trust me.” She steps back, throwing my soul into darkness again.
“No, wait,” I say reaching for her. “Please don’t go.”
“Where I am, you cannot come. Not yet. But soon, my love. Very soon.”
She fades away before I can say another word. My mind tightens in around me and I am lost to my thoughts and the pain once more.
My mind is black and I fall fall fall. Wake up, I scream in the recesses of my thoughts. Wake up. My eyes pop open, accompanied by waves of nausea rolling through me. I sit, my stomach still churning. My room is swallowed up by darkness, leaving no evidence of Nesy.
I reach for the light as pain stabs through my arms, my chest. Falling back on the bed, I force some calm into my head.
I take a slow breath.
—What’s happening?
And another.
—Where am I?
I look around, peering into the darkness.
—Am I dead?
I shake away my thoughts and again reach for the light and turn the knob. A sharp pain stabs through me as I move. I growl, forcing aside the nausea and anguish. My hands touch my lips, feeling Nesy’s lingering presence.
Were you here?
Images of our kiss wrap around me. Real or not, the memory gives me strength.
I stand, grabbing the wall for support. Everything spins as wave after wave of nausea churn my stomach. I force myself to the bathroom, emptying my pain into the basin. Over and over the bile rises through me, emptying my life into the cold porcelain sink. I try to force images of Nesy into my thoughts, try to wrestle for control on my mind. But no more thoughts come, not the kiss or her presence. Nothing of the dream that saved me.
I look to the floor, my pulse slowing. The glint of metal from the razor catches my eye. A thin layer of blood, my blood, still coats the blade. I pick it up, rinsing away the evidence of my sins. Death is not an option now.
Not when Nesy has asked me to stay.
My arms reveal the night’s journey with the criss-crossed pattern of my agony outlining my wrists. Deep cuts still ooze with my pain. I grab the bandages and begin to clean it up. “I’m sorry,” I whisper as I pour antiseptic on the wounds. “So sorry.”
Gabriel and Mikayel expect more than this. Nesy deserves more.
Wait for me, Aydan. I will come for you.
Her voice commands me to be strong and I will. I have to.
I stare back at the reflection greeting me in the mirror, still seeing the ways in which I’ve aged. My eyes are blank, devoid of the love that I felt in my dreams. I’m empty. Meaningless.
Instinctively I count the marks forever on my neck. 1…2…3…
Each tangled line calls forth memories of that night.
4…
The pain as Nesy was ripped away from me.
5…
The joy when I found my way back and we vowed to never again be separated.
I stare at the mirror. There is no sixth mark. I am still intact. Still me.
But for how long?
My reasons for dying come back in a rush. I know I can’t disappoint Nesy, but what other options do I have?
My mind wanders to Nessa. She isn’t Nesy, I understand that now. She can’t be. Nesy died at Azza’s hand. She exists only in my head now, my heart.
I take a deep breath and return to my room. Crawling back into bed, I draw an image of her in my thoughts. My Nesy. Angelic and whole. She is the holder of my heart. Only her. I close my eyes, willing myself to remember the feel of her skin on mine, the hope she carried in every kiss. My mind floats away and sleep returns…
Nesy wait
s in the distance, calling to me. “Aydan. Are you ready? I’ve come for you. I’ve been waiting only for you.”
I go without hesitation. There is nothing I want more than to be with her.
“I’m coming,” I whisper as I follow the apparition into the forest of my thoughts. She stays a few steps ahead of me, out of reach.
“Wait,” I call. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
“You need to hurry,” she replies.
I break into a run, desperate to reach her. She slips deeper into the forest. I hear her but cannot see her.
“Hurry, Aydan,” she teases. Her voice unleashes my desire. And my desperation.
“Nesy,” I call.
She laughs, teasing me further.
The trees break into a clearing. She stands at the far end, her arms outstretched. I slow to a walk and our eyes meet. My heart pounds as the distance between us collapses. Sweeping her into my arms, I inhale the whole of her.
“Are you really here?” I ask.
“Of course,” she says, weaving her fingers into my hair. “I’ve been waiting for you to find me.”
I kiss her neck, running my lips against her jaw. I feel her tremble as our lips find each other and we lose ourselves in a kiss. Our tongues press together and I am certain I am home. Finally.
Until my world explodes around me.
Nesy spins me around, her arm wrapped tightly around my neck. Only, it’s not Nesy. It’s Nessa. Same brown hair. Same tanned skin. “It’s time,” she whispers into my ear.
Smoke invades my senses. Nothing seems right. Not her now-angry voice, nor the aggression in her touch.
“What are you doing?” I sputter.
“Time for you to fulfill your promises, Aydan.”
The forest fades away and I am again in the courtyard of my memories, a mob of UnHoly surrounding me. Azza stands in the distance, watching. Smiling.
Nesy slams her knees into the back of mine and I am thrown to the ground, forced to kneel as an altar materializes in front of me.
“Nice of you to return, my apprentice.” Sulfur and ash flood my nostrils as Azza appears in front of me.
I squirm, pulling against Nessa’s hold.
“How do you like my newest apprentice? She understands loyalty, something you never quite appreciated.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “This is only a dream. This is only a dream.”
“How can you be certain?” Nessa again whispers into my ear. “You’re right about Nesy; that girl is dead. Forever.”
She tightens her grasp around my neck and my thoughts begin to dim. Detach. I can’t breathe as she presses against my throat.
“There is no escape this time,” Azza says. “No one to save you.”
Nesy unsheathes her sword, replacing her grasp with the sharp blade.
“If you would do the honor, Nesayiel.” Azza says to Nessa.
“With pleasure,” she says as she cuts into my neck.
My body tightens and I again wrestle against her hold.
“Now, now,” she says. “Stay still. I wouldn’t want to accidentally decapitate you.” She pushes the blade deeper into my neck.
My mind roles in on itself as a scream escapes my lips. Fire and ice pour through my veins. My body feels aflame. A familiar scratching builds in the back of my throat as anger consumes every thought, turning into a fiery rage.
Nessa continues forming the final mark on my neck. The Beast growls and my mind is lost. At once, my thoughts coalesce into a single focus. A single desire.
Kill.
Them.
All.
Chapter 35 – Immolation
Zane
“Zane!”
Cass’s voice screams through me. So many admonishments, so many accusations. And all of the correct.
I release Nesy and step back, allowing my glamour to fully fade. I want so much to lose myself with Nesy and claim a life I know isn’t true. But my duty screams at me to ignore the selfish pleadings of my happiness and the memories of a girl that may or may not exist anymore.
Nesy. Who are you?
The question echoes, along with the answers I wish I could ignore—an agent of Azza, a Seer, Nesy. None of these promise a happy end, none of these allow for a life in which we are together.
None.
“You were supposed to wait for me.” Cass clenches her jaw. “Never mind, if we’re going to do this, it has to be now. The Council grows restless. Caim has not reported in and Sariel is worried. They are all worried.”
Nesy furrows her brow, watching me. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
I take her hands in mine and swallow back my desire, my dreams…
The illusion of a life together.
“I need you to close your eyes for me.” I can’t do this while she stares at me, tempting me.
She hesitates, squeezing my hands as fear again clouds her eyes.
“But—”
“Trust me, Nesy. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” Even if the price is my life.
Slowly, deliberately, Nesy closes her eyes and releases her mind to me. Centering my thoughts, I shield her eyes and ears. I need to be able to communicate with Cass without her overhearing us.
Nesy stiffens as I close off her senses, rendering her completely isolated. My body quivers with the fear she must be feeling now, the panic I know wells up through her soul.
“Now,” Cass instructs. “Enter her mind. Go as far as she’ll let you. Do whatever you have to do to get to her soul.”
I swallow. This will be painful for Nesy, invasive. Part of me wants to turn away and leave. But she has to know the truth. As does Celestium.
I need the truth.
“If she resists?”
“Do just what we practiced,” Cass says.
Lie. Plant false memories. Do anything to keep her open.
My shoulders tighten as I contemplate what I have to do. I don’t want to hurt her, lie to her.
And yet, I must.
“I’ll go into her heart at the same time,” Cass says. “I’ll push in unison with you. Between the both of us, we will find out what she’s hiding. We’ll find the truth.”
“And if we discover…” I can’t make myself say the words. Can’t admit my own fears.
“If she already belongs to Azza, we’ll get out and hope we aren’t discovered.”
“And if we are? If I can’t keep you safe, Cass? What then? I know you volunteered for this, but I don’t want you to risk your life for me. I can’t let you.”
“You have no choice. Gabriel told you we have to do this together. I knew the risk when I offered.”
“But Cass—”
“No. This is no more than you or Nesy would do for me.”
I inhale a sharp breath. There is no way I can ever repay this sacrifice. No way I can express my gratitude.
“We’re wasting time.”
I nod and clear my thoughts and push into her mind.
Nesy, I say directly to her soul. This will feel strange. But no matter what happens, I want you to keep your eyes closed until I tell you we’re through. Promise me, ok?
I tighten my grasp on her hands.
Promise me.
“I promise,” she says, choking on the words.
Her fear grips me, stealing the oxygen from my lungs.
“Focus,” Cass says. “She’ll be okay.”
I doubt it.
I clear my mind again and push into Nesy’s thoughts, feeling her mind tighten around me.
“Relax, Nesy,” I say as I push a memory into the empty places: She’s running through the streets of Celestium with me. Before she was Elle. Before Aydan. Adam.
Before.
Her body relaxes as the image takes hold. Her mind opens to me, blooming like a flower. I sense her heart, her soul.
Cass floats into Nesy’s heart, releasing the anxieties that Nesy has absorbed since being human. I push through her memories, allowing the pictures to overtake my thought
s. Clips of a life long gone, battles lost, death…
Elle shredded by Azza’s monster.
Fighting demons.
Aydan’s sword scraping across Nesy’s side.
My eyes fill with the images playing through me. My pulse races. I need to detach, pull back...
Mikayel sends a team to kill Aydan.
Aydan kills Lori.
Azza’s sword pierces Nesy’s heart.
The last image steals my breath and I feel myself wobble. I take a ragged breath. I can’t become these memories, can’t lose myself to this.
“Zane.”
The voice is distant.
“Zane.”
More memories encircle me, trap me.
“Zane, detach. You can’t help her like this.”
Cass’s voice extends through the onslaught. I reach for her, pushing the pictures away.
“Zane. This isn’t right. She shouldn’t have these memories. You gave them to Lilith. This isn’t real.”
I replay the movie and relive each emotion.
“Zane! Don’t trust this. It’s wrong.”
Cass is right. There is no memory here other than the ones I gave Lilith. Nothing that proves her to be more than human. Nothing that shows her to be UnHoly.
Nothing that proves she’s Nesy.
My Nesy.
A soft moan escapes Nesy’s mouth, as the images of her death loop over and over in her mind. It’s almost more than I can bear, and Nesy’s agitation dissolves my intent in an instant.
“No Zane. Don’t stop.” Cass’s voice soothes me. “Dig deeper. We have to know the truth.” Cass pulls on Nesy’s heart, calming her again.
A moment passes and the images slow, fade.
Fresh emotions surface from somewhere deep within Nesy’s mind. Nesy again stirs. Cass again relaxes her heart.
“Help her, Zane.”
I can’t move, can’t think. More emotions pour forward, enveloping me. Fear. Panic. Anguish. There are no images to accompany these emotions. No memories to link them. Just the feral rawness of feelings too powerful to ignore.
My breath rushes from my lungs in a whoosh. My head swims in the emotions swirling through me. My legs begin to shake.
I am too close.
Far too close.
Libera Me (Requiem Series) Page 18