by Mj Fields
That night, there was a bag of takeout from a barbecue place inland and a note.
Good shit,
C.S
Knowing how much he must hate me, and that he could possibly try to fucking poison me, and that if I died here, it would take a few days for someone to even check it out, I tossed it.
Day three, today, has been the hardest. Justice asked me what was going on with Truth and me, and I told him nothing happened, and nothing was gonna. He asked me why, and I knew right then that he didn’t know about my shit, so I told him a half-truth, that I was looking forward to starting over.
Another bag of food was at my door when I got home, and it pissed me off. If he was trying to kill me, he was persistent. And if he was thinking I was starving and couldn’t take care of myself, that pissed me off, too. But if he was being nice, making me his cause so I stayed away from his daughter, he obviously not only doubted my word but was a manipulating asshole. I’d had enough of that with every other fucking male, father figure or otherwise, for a lifetime, and it enraged me enough that I put it in the fridge and planned to deliver it to his own fucking doorstep at five in the fucking morning with a note that told him to fuck off.
Now I’m lying in bed, not touching my junk, while I picture her laying here the other night, because it feels wrong, which is another reason I know there’s no way in hell I can do this shit anymore.
As soon as I turn off SportsCenter, I hear my door open, knowing damn well it was locked. The clock reads ten p.m., and I know I’m not expecting company.
I get up, reach under my bed for my baseball bat, and then quietly walk to my bedroom door and look out.
I see her, in what appears to be pajamas and slippers, hair all knotted up on top of her head, silently scolding herself as she walks in circles. One second, her hands are above her head, then on her hips, and then gripping her hair. She’s basically mirroring how I feel on the inside. I can’t watch that shit, and she can’t be here. I’ll have to be a dick so she’ll leave.
“You can’t just walk in here whenever you fucking want to.” I toss the bat on my bed then shut the door behind me.
“I need to talk to you.” She smiles and shakes her head. “I need to tell you I’m not gonna stop myself from falling in—”
“Shut your mouth, Truth. Just shut up and leave.” I swallow down the bile that is boiling inside of me and tell her, “I have company.”
She plops down on my floor, pulls her knees to her chest, and hugs them as she shakes her head. “Make her leave.”
“Truth—”
“Make. Her. Leave. Now!” she screams.
“Truth.” I walk over and grab her elbow.
She yanks it away and screams, “Make her leave, and I’ll pretend this didn’t happen, and I won’t go fuck Harrison Reeves or—”
“Shut the fuck up, Truth, and leave!” I seethe, my voice shaking in rage and pain.
She looks up at me, tears falling down her face. “I will, you know. I will, and it will be all your fault!”
Surprising me, she jumps up, dodges my reach, and runs toward my door. I grab her just as she turns the handle and kicks it open, screaming, “Get out! Get out!” Her legs are strong as fuck as she kicks at the air, and when she twists, I lose the shitty grip I have on her, and she runs and jumps on my empty bed. Her expression is shocked as she looks around, but when she looks at me, it’s as if I betrayed her.
“What’s my name!” she demands.
“Don’t start. Just leave,” I say, gripping the top of the doorjamb to keep myself in place.
“I’ll leave when you tell me what you said to my dad.”
“Guess you’ll have to ask him. He’s your dad. I’m nothing to you.”
She shakes her head and knots the comforter. “I heard them tonight. I was listening at their door, and I heard some things that doesn’t make sense.”
Fuck. I sigh and nod once. “I’m not the person to clear it up for you, and that’s the truth.”
“You’re the one person who should! You’re supposed to tell me everything, Tobias.”
“What the hell are you—”
“I know I’m falling in love with you—”
“Don’t—”
“I know you are, too, so you don’t get to lie to me. Love doesn’t work that way!” She sniffs.
“We can’t happen. We won’t—”
“Newsflash: we’re already doing it, and it’s supposed to be beautiful, Tobias. It’s supposed to give you butterflies and not make you sick! I want those butterflies back, and I’m not leaving until you answer me. And if you think I’m gonna give a shit if the cops have to drag me out of here, you’re wrong! I’d rather be in jail than in the hell you’ve put me in!” Sniff. “They said something about my mom being a virgin stripper, and …” She wipes her tears and sniffs again. “It makes no sense. And it makes no sense that it even matters, ’cause so what? It’s her before.”
“Before what?” I ask hesitantly.
“Before life made sense to her. Before life got beautiful. Before she found her person to get through the tough times and celebrate the good. Before she found her one true love.”
When my phone rings on my nightstand, her face scrunches up. “You better tell her not to call you again or …” She stops when I walk toward it, and then lunges and grabs it.
“Truth, give me the phone now.”
“He doesn’t want you!” she yells into the receiver. “Lose his number, you … you—” Her hand starts to shake, and then her eyes widen. “Why are you calling him?”
“Truth, give me my phone or I won’t call the cops; I’ll call your father.”
She holds up my phone and tosses it at me. “He beat you to it. And you better tell him I’m not leaving. And if he thinks he can make me, I’ll move out, or I’ll run away.”
“The fuck you will!” I snap at her.
“Then tell me, Tobias, just tell me!”
I hold the phone to my ear, walk out of the room, unable to stomach seeing her upset, and straight up ask him, “You coming to get her?”
“You need to have a talk with her, Tobias. She needs to hear it from you. This is making her a different person.”
“Why haven’t you?” I snap.
“Wasn’t sure how I was gonna tell my wife, and I was trying to deal with a heartbroken little girl. Now I have talked to —”
“I can’t—"
“You think you love my girl, Easton, it’s your job to tell her, because she’s no longer listening to me. You got an hour. I’d rather her not drive in the state she’s in, so we’ll come get her then. If you need us to come sooner, you know my number.”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“You think you love her, you do what’s best by her always. You don’t, I will.” He hangs up.
“Fuck!” I yell as I throw my phone across the room and watch it bounce off the wall.
I look back, and she’s at the door, looking a mess, as she waits expectantly yet still somewhat patiently.
“It’s not normal for people to act like this, Truth,” I tell her as calmly as I possibly can at present time.
“It’s not normal to feel like this, either.” She rubs her sleeve under her nose.
“I’m gonna talk, you’re gonna listen, and then you’re gonna leave with your father, and you’re going to process this shit and let me do the same.”
“That’s not how normal people deal with things, Tobias,” she sneers.
“We don’t get normal once I open this up to you. We get shit, Truth. We get ugly, we get nasty, we get doubt, and then we more than likely get done. So, come out here and sit your ass down and listen.”
She turns and walks into my room, and I watch her climb onto my bed and sit her ass in the middle of it.
“Do you ever just listen?”
“Not anymore,” she says, crossing her arms stubbornly.
It’s not easy telling her all the shit that I never wanted to taint her,
but I do it. When she cries, I feel worse. When she lies down and hugs my pillow then reaches out and links her pinky with mine, I tell her the shit I didn’t tell her dad—all of it. The truth.
I tell her that I can never forgive myself for sending him money, because I’d do it a hundred times over so her mom didn’t have to see him—my fucking father—again.
I tell her that I can’t wait to get out of here, because I’m not much better than a stripper and a pig who not only abused women but exploited them, because the shit I’m doing to survive isn’t all that legal either, and I need a fresh start.
And I tell her I’m not sure what love is, but what I feel for her is the closest thing to it that I’ve ever felt, and that, because of all the other stuff, I can’t be what she deserves, that I can’t see myself ever fucking her, let alone making love to her, no matter how much I want to, because the father I wished I never had known tried to sell her mom’s virginity to benefit himself.
She sits up then and tells me that she’ll never accept any of it, that she’ll wait as long as it takes.
“No,” I tell her.
Then she looks at me and says, “Fine. I’ll get rid of it then.” She grabs her phone. “What’s Harrison’s number?”
Hits me real quick what she’s saying.
“Over my dead fucking body.”
“Then Miles?”
“Cut the shit, Truth.”
“Kai then?”
“You’re doing this to piss me off.”
“And you’re crushing me! I’d rather choose you a hundred times over, but I’ll gladly remedy the situation, be with someone who I know I’ll never love, just lay there and take it to get rid of my damn virginity, because I have a choice—you. But apparently, you think that’s what matters—taking my virginity? Seriously, there’s really no such thing as busting a cherry anyway. False news, big guy; it stretches with intercourse, maybe it tears the first time, but it’s not that big of a deal unless you make it that way.”
She starts to slide off the bed, and I grab her, pulling her pajama top and holding her in place like our lives depend on it. “I’m being real with you.”
“You think this is a joke to me? I’m not joking. You’re so worried about that thin membrane in my vag? Well, I’m more worried about our hearts, Tobias, and I’m telling you mine hurts! So, let me go fuck some rando, and I’ll get back to you so you can see how senseless it is to be feeling like we have been for months now—”
“Try five months and tell me how badly it hurts!”
“If that’s what you need, fine!” she says, pulling away again.
“Less than three months and I’m gone, Truth. Do you get that?”
“Yeah.” She sniffs and yanks away. “I get that we’re wasting time.”
“And what if it’s just a phase?” The words bring realization that I’m terrified it is for her.
“Well, we’ll never know, will we?”
“Goddammit, Truth!” I say as she walks out my bedroom door. “I don’t know how to make this go away!”
She turns back and looks at me. “You’ve fought for everything your whole life, and you’re still not happy.”
“No shit. And you don’t deserve that kind of life, Truth.”
“Fight for me then. Fight for you. Then fight for us, if that’s what you want. Until then, you’re hurting both of us, and me the most, because I’ve never fought so hard for anything in my life, and guess what? I can’t seem to win.”
She walks toward the door, and I jump off the bed. “Your parents are coming to get you.”
She doesn’t stop.
I quickly move to her and grab her hand. “You can’t drive like this.”
She turns and looks up at me. “And I can’t stay where I’m not wanted, Tobias. It hurts.”
Without thinking, I pull her into a hug. Without caring, I lift her, walk to the couch, sit down, and hold her like a treasure.
“It’s not about sex, Tobias; it’s about love, friendship, and loyalty.”
“If I were your friend, I’d tell you to run.”
“And if I were yours, I wouldn’t let you until you were ready.”
“Never been more ready in my life, yet here I sit.”
“Then ask yourself why. And don’t say less than three months, Tobias. Don’t you dare.” She grasps my shirt and looks up at me. “I’m not gonna be okay until I know you are. And you’re not gonna be okay until you let someone in. If it can’t be me, then let it be someone.”
I huff.
“I get you haven’t had that, but—”
“I don’t trust anyone, Truth.”
She pushes off my chest and slides back, ass on my couch, legs bridging my lap. She takes my hand, one then the other, and links our fingers, studying them intently. Then she closes her eyes and holds them to her heart. Bowing her head, she slides her lips across our linked fingers, mouth closed, one hand then the other. “I think you should open up to the idea of letting someone in,” she finally whispers.
“And risk hurting you worse?”
She shakes her head. “I think it should be my mom.”
“Are you fucking insane?”
She looks away from our hands and up at me. “I don’t know anymore, but I know she may be the only one who can make you see—”
“My father tried to—” I snap my mouth shut.
“He’s not your father, Tobias. And if she can accept us, then—”
“She will never.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t ever expect her to. I’d certainly never ask. No, Truth, not happening.”
When she looks down at our hands and a slight smile ghosts her lips, I realize I’m rubbing my thumb across the back of her hand. I want to stop, but I can’t.
She looks back up at me. “A lot of what I overheard made me feel the same as you do, Tobias—like we’re doomed. But when I heard Mom say that, regardless of DNA, the man he showed you he was today, he has my vote, hope came back. And then Dad asked her again, and she said something about being one hundred and ten percent positive on this because—and I remember this exactly, Tobias, because I was ready to bust into that room and tackle-hug them—I’m not taking away her chance with someone who may love her like you love me. So, I’ll wait for you to figure out what you need to do to be happy, even if it’s not being with me. And I’m not talking about sex, Tobias; that’s just like the busted cherry on top of the love sundae.” She lets go of my hand and covers her yawn.
I put my hand behind her and pull her into a hug, and she looks up at me with hope.
“I’m not promising you we can get through this.”
“Just promise me you’ll try.”
I let my head drop back so it’s resting on the couch as I stare at the ceiling, trying to find a way to not hurt her, make her cry, or put any sort of spark to her short-ass fuse. Nothing, not anything, comes to mind.
I thought her folks would put an end to it, but her father is calling and stopping by to leave food, that may or may not be trying to poison me, and her mom has apparently forgiven me, and I have no reason to doubt it, because the little t to my big T doesn’t seem to be able to filter her mouth, her feelings, her temper, or her truths, no matter how hard they are to hear.
I look back down as she fights to keep her eyes open and whisper, “Yeah, I promise, as long as you promise me some things.”
Smiling cautiously, she nods.
“You’re never going to tell me you’re going to fuck another man again, even if it’s twenty years down the road and we run into each other while you’re pushing a baby carriage with twins in it, have a toddler on your hip, and another one walking beside you. And if I ask you if you’re a virgin, I’m not wanting you to tell me the truth.”
She smirks, and her nose scrunches up.
“I’m serious, Truth. The thought of anyone touching you pisses me off more than someone busting my rib in a fight.”
“So, I should say my lesbian partner and I adopted kids?”
<
br /> I think about it for a moment then look back at her. “I’ve never wanted to hit a woman before, and I just kicked the ass of a figment of your imagination, so that’s a no.”
She pulls our linked hands up to her lips and presses them against my hand. “Fine, but you better not even bang a sheep.”
I find myself smiling for the first time in days. “Fine. I need you to promise that you’ll be chill, give me space, and we take shit slow, like grade three slow.”
She laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” She shakes her head.
I squeeze her hand. “What’s your name?”
“Fine, I got my first kiss on the monkey bars in third grade.”
“No, you didn’t.”
She shakes her head. “Yes, I did. His bubble gum got stuck in my—”
“You’re not hearing me, Tiny T. No, you didn’t.”
“So I’m lying now?”
“Just about shit like that.”
“Well, then don’t ever ask me about seventh grade.”
“Truth …” I shake my head.
“Totally avoid my entire freshmen year, too.”
“How about you stop instigating me and—”
“I think you’re incredibly hot when you’re pissed.”
I lean forward and press my forehead to hers. “And I’m not joking when I tell you there is no one as beautiful as you.”
She leans back and looks me in the eyes, narrowing hers then looking away.
“You good?”
She shrugs.
“You don’t think I see you?”
She nods. “Yeah, of course.”
When I get that she’s insecure, and get that I probably made her that way, I want to take it away.
Lifting her chin, I look her in the eyes. “Saw you at Frank’s buying rings with your cousin, and I thought that I’d never seen someone so damn perfect.” I lean in and rub my lips across hers, then whisper against them, “Found out you were too good to be true. Found out who you were and why I couldn’t ever kiss the lips of that one girl whose green eyes would probably haunt me forever.”