Ezra’s eyes held mine the entire way, never once glancing away. His gaze held fear and worry and shock, but no condemnation. It was the same as mine. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant.
Yet apparently, I was.
My breath shuddered. A few wayward tears slipped down my cheeks. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Pregnancy was supposed to be taken care of.
“Lay her on that bed,” the medic stated, sounding winded. We had been on the bottom floor, and were now somewhere near the middle. I wasn’t sure how fast we had gotten here, but it seemed as if time had flown by quickly, staring at Ezra. “I’ll be back in just a minute.”
King Kincaid lowered me onto the medical bed inside the clinic, then turned to everyone who had followed us into the small room, opening his mouth.
Ezra slashed a hand through the air, stopping whatever King Kincaid was to say. “Do. Not. Tell. Us. To. Leave.” His Vampire growled, and he started pacing the small area of the room, his muscles bulging under the too-bright golden sparks.
“Elder Zeller, get your son out of here,” King Kincaid muttered.
Elder Merrick waved a hand. “Let them all stay.” He blinked at King Kincaid’s shocked expression. “They’ll be ruling together. Possibly during a war. They have a lot riding on this outcome. Not just her.”
King Kincaid’s eyes were still wide, but he peered down at me. “Lily? It’s up to you.”
“They’re staying,” I moaned, rolling on my side as another cramp took hold. “Where the hell did Cindy go?” I didn’t like brats, nor did I really want one of my own, by any stretch of the imagination, but if I was pregnant and lost it…I wasn’t sure how I would feel.
“Bindi,” King Kincaid said absently, glancing left and right for her.
Ezra bumped him out of the way, leaning over the bed to pull a blanket over me. He pulled a chair over with his foot to sit directly next to the bed, his face aligned with mine. King Kincaid stared as if Ezra had lost his mind, but Ezra only thumped his thumbs on the bed in an urgent rhythm, eyes darting to where Bindi had rushed off to. He cleared his throat, his eyes going far over my head, then back to the door she had left through. “King Venclaire, can you check on the medic and hurry her ass up?”
I blinked, rubbing my forehead, not even realizing King Venclaire had come here. I hadn’t even known he was in the fighting arena. Maybe he hadn’t been, and had only seen everyone running up the walkway. I was too out of it to notice much right now except for Ezra’s chest rising and falling way too quickly.
“I can hear her,” King Venclaire said softly, his voice strained. “She’s coming.”
King Kincaid finally sputtered, “Ezra, get the hell away from her.”
“Fuck off,” Ezra muttered absently, straightening in his chair to peer out the door better.
King Kincaid’s eyes flashed, but I could tell that Bindi must have come through the door behind me by the way everyone became silent inside the room. I heard her clear her throat, followed by Elder Merrick saying calmly, “Everyone’s staying.”
“Alright,” she mumbled quietly. “Then everyone can get the hell out of my way so I can work properly.” I heard shoes scuffing on the ground, then she said politely, “Thank you.” She came into view at the end of the bed, lifting the blanket off me and patting my feet. “You need to undress, so I can examine you.”
My blink was gradual. “Okay, King Kincaid’s right. Everyone get the fuck out.” I actually heard said King hum in approval, and I shot him a glance. “Even you.”
Ezra stiffened, not liking it at all, but left the room with everyone — the last one to leave, finagling that somehow — and I did as told, undressing with the medic’s assistance once she closed the door. After performing her internal exam, I pulled the blanket up over me, having her let everyone back in. Somehow finagling it again, Ezra was the first to enter the room this time, swiftly returning to his vacated chair, his face as drawn as it had been when he left.
I, on the other hand, just curled up in a ball under the blanket.
The medic took her seat, facing away from us, and lifted glowing hands as everyone crammed back into the room. She stated in a factual voice, “Ms Ruckler is indeed pregnant, and I’m going to show you a few pictures.” My breath caught at her confirmation, my heart rate pounding chaotically as she waved her hands and four golden squares lined the wall she was facing. “I was able to snap these while doing the exam,” she glanced over her shoulder, her eyes on mine, “like a Com sonogram.”
My lips thinned, but I nodded.
She stood and started gesturing at what looked like a large gray blob on the first ‘sonogram’. “This is Ms Ruckler’s uterus.” She pointed a finger at what appeared to be a dot. “That’s baby one.” Again, my heart rate shot off, and I was cognizant enough to hear Ezra’s start pounding, too. She stepped to another ‘sonogram’, pointing again. “That’s baby two.”
I was pretty sure everyone in the room froze.
Breath wheezing out of me, I gasped, “One and two?”
Bindi nodded. “Twins.” She moved to the other two pictures, pointing at each one. “These are better shots of their position.” As she sat down, I felt like I was going to faint and was happy I was lying down. “Now,” her golden gaze met mine, “as for your cervix.” Her jaw clenched. “You’re dilated to five. The probability of you miscarrying is around ninety percent.” After holding my gaze for what felt like forever, she gradually stood. “I’m sorry, Ms Ruckler. None of our medicines will work at this stage. There’s nothing we can do for you medically. Only time will tell.”
My gaze darted back and forth between the ‘sonograms’, staring at the tiny dots she had pointed to. “There’s nothing at all?” God, my voice cracked.
Her lips thinned, her gaze lowering before meeting mine again. “There’s no medicine to help a Mys, or even a spell I could do for a natural occurrence. Your body needs to heal on its own.” She waved a hand and the images I had been staring at went away. “Rest. Try to relax. Your body may recover. The gestational sacs are still in place and you haven’t begun to bleed yet. Like I said, the probability is ninety percent for loss, but there’s still a ten percent chance for hope.” She left the room as silence reigned, everyone still staring where the ‘sonograms’ had been.
I knew in that instant what it would be like if I lost them.
I felt utter fear. A sense of complete hopelessness. My heart squeezed painfully. My panting breaths came in great hiccups. “I don’t even like babies.” My whole body trembled. “I shouldn’t care, right?” My eyes darted back and forth between Ezra’s…and I saw the same emotions filling his gaze before his lids hooded. “Oh, God.” A sob racked my body as a torrent of pain-filled tears tore down my cheeks, I never realizing I may have wanted children until I had two inside me, only for them to be snuffed out after such a brief time.
I saw Ezra’s eyes flash before he rested his head facedown on the bed — hiding his expression on crooked arm — and placed his free hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair. Suddenly, I felt peace flow through me. It didn’t dull all of the ache in my lower abdomen, since it was a natural process, but it subdued the chaos in my mind. “She said you have to relax.” His voice came deep and gruff and muffled by the bed. “Do as she says.” It felt wrong somehow to feel tranquillity when I might be in the process…of losing twins.
My twins.
Ezra’s and my babies, our own little monsters.
But I lay perfectly still, doing as ordered, trying to clear my mind, only to have King Kincaid intrude, asking harshly, “Do you have to touch her, Ezra?”
Ezra didn’t move or respond.
Cahal stated calmly, “He’s relaxing her with his power. She needs him to, with the way her heartbeat was fluctuating so rapidly.”
I heard King Kincaid curse quietly, his voice tight with concern, before he flopped onto the chair the medic had vacated. “Lily, honey…the father…He deserves to be here.” I saw
him viciously rub his face, even though I felt nothing but calmness now. “I know you don’t want to say who he is, but he should be here for this.” His eyes met mine. It wasn’t a command, only pure reasoning.
I agreed with him wholeheartedly. “The people I want here are already in this room.”
He didn’t blink. “I never thought you to be selfish.”
“Some would think it a kindness.”
He thumped his fist on the arm of the chair. “The father has a right to know.” I peered away, unable any further to come up with an evasive explanation. My gaze landed on Ezra’s shoulder, which was rock-solid, and I saw that his muscles were clenched, strung so tight he appeared he might break. I felt another small cramp, but it didn’t hurt as badly as before, thanks to Ezra’s power. King Kincaid sighed at my silence, muttering, “You’ll regret this, Lily.”
“So be it,” I whispered — the only thing I could say before closing my eyes, attempting to block out everyone.
Chairs were brought in for the others to sit on, even though their edges rested so closely together that everyone had to sit shoulder-to-shoulder. As time passed, Elder Merrick left and brought back coffee for everyone. Ezra’s was left untouched; the only movement he made was to tilt his head to the side and stare me in the eyes, his gaze hidden from everyone’s view but mine. His eyes were bloodshot and expressing everything I wasn’t feeling right now, thanks to his power. He was unable to keep it contained, even though I could tell he tried by the way his lips were permanently pinched.
I lay on the medical bed, holding his stare, and moved my hand under the blanket until the tips of my fingers were against his arm, the only touch I could give him right now. Pearl and Jack had maneuvered earlier to sit directly behind Ezra, and they sat with their heads resting against the wall, their faces carefully blank.
Five hours and many cramps later, Ezra’s body trembled, his head shooting up. Waking a few people, he shouted out the open door, “Bindi!” He paused, exhaling heavily on a deep pant, before bellowing, “She’s bleeding! Get in here!”
My breath caught. I reached between my legs, and then pulled my hand out from under the cover. My fingers were slick with vivid red blood. “Hope.” I shook my head inside Ezra’s hold and my eyes met his, both of our expressions damned, even as Bindi rushed into the room, demanding everyone leave and literally shoving people out. “Hope’s a fucking bitch.”
Chapter Ten
I miscarried both babies in those next two hours.
Ezra tried to give me a sense of peace through his touch, but I would have none of it after the medic announced I was, indeed, losing them. I brushed his hand away, still feeling the constant ache inside my stomach, and told him, “Pain needs to be remembered.” With a miscarriage being a natural process, his power wouldn’t have helped much with the pain. I needed to feel it all.
Sitting beside the bed again, he leaned his elbows on the mattress, with one of his hands covering his mouth and the other hovering above my head before falling to the pillow. Inhaling deeply, he nodded woodenly, his gaze meeting mine in mutual understanding before lowering so no others would see his stricken expression. He swallowed hard, his eyes blinking repeatedly, blindly staring at the mattress.
I curled up in response to the tight ache stretching to not only my back, but to my legs as well, and I cried softly for children I had never imagined I would want.
King Kincaid didn’t try to make anyone leave this time, but sat on the chair with his head in his hands, bowed, just as everyone else did — they weren’t leaving me, but gave me a semblance of privacy. Jack held Pearl when she began gently crying, his own face turned away from everyone as he rubbed her back in soothing motions.
Ezra peered up to me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he gently wiped mine away, then lay his head next to my shoulder, eyes steadfast on mine, and murmured with a hoarse voice, “Pain should always be remembered.”
My smile was bittersweet and watered down by more tears. “Well, that, and the fact hope will always be that eternal bitch when she turns a deaf ear.”
“And luck,” he whispered, nodding, his head rubbing against my arm as he flicked a finger under his eye when a single tear escaped, swiftly making it disappear as if it were never there. “Luck never knows the right time to give or take.”
Gritting my teeth, I breathed heavily as my uterus contracted. “Irony.” Breathing deeply through the ache that was nowhere near as bad as my thoughts. “It’s a twisted fucker.”
His eyes closed briefly and again he nodded, his jaw clenched. “Irony is definitely one sick mother-fucker.” Bright green, bloodshot eyes opened, meeting my own. The backs of his fingers ran over my cheeks, wiping away the wetness. “It’s nothing compared to happiness.”
I snorted through gritted teeth. “What happiness?”
“Exactly.”
“Reality interrupts—” Jaw clenching, my nostrils flared as I felt a gush of blood flow.
A whisper. “Life.” His blink was slow. “The mother of all bitches.”
“And the beauty?”
“Its absence is duly noted.”
“Only to be found by those later.”
Another swipe of my cheeks. “Once they’ve suffered to the point they scream for death.”
“Full circle.”
His hand found mine in a gentle hold. “Pain needs to be felt.”
Once it was determined I had fully lost them, the Elders and Kings silently left the room after each one pulled me into a bear hug. Even Cahal. Bindi glanced around at the remaining occupants — Pearl, Jack, and Ezra — before delicately clearing her throat and saying, “Ms Ruckler, I’d like to talk with you privately.” She held the door wide open for them to leave.
I shook my head on the pillow, not wanting to move further. “Just shut the door. They may hear whatever you have to say.” My voice and heart were empty, void of caring about a damn thing right now. Including hurting Bindi’s feelings when she cleared her throat again, peering at me pointedly. “I said shut the fucking door.”
She stiffened, eyeing me, but did as told. The door was firmly shut, and she sat, her eyes flashing gold. The walls were suddenly encased in a sparkling gold protection, soundproofing the room. She tilted her head at the door. “They’re still out there.” Hands primly folded on her lap, she stared. “Your tubes were magically tied.”
I stared back. “Yes, they are, so how the hell did this happen?”
Her lips pinched. “During your exam, I took a few shots of them to study during the wait. What I found was that they have grown back together.” She paused. “The likely reason for this is that you didn’t wait the recommended period after the procedure for intercourse.”
A slow blink. “Recommended period?”
“The surgeon didn’t tell you?”
My eyes closed as I shook my head. The surgeon hadn’t known what he had even done because of the spell, therefore he wouldn’t have known what instructions to give me. “How long should I have waited?”
“At least three days,” she murmured absently. “The spell was there, but broken.”
Opening my eyes, I met her dumbfounded gaze. “I didn’t wait three days.” This situation was no one’s fault, and it made it even worse having no one to blame. “Can you correct the procedure? Fix where my tubes have reconnected?”
Her face went blank. “You still want your tubes tied?”
The answer was easy. “Yes. I’m not ready for children.” What was no longer clear was if I would ever want to have children in the future. But I never wanted the possibility of creating one of those Beasts with a Com. My tubes needed to be tied.
“You’ve just gone through a traumatic event, perhaps you should—”
“She said she wants it,” Ezra stated gruffly, cutting her off. “Can you do it or not?”
A deep breath. “Yes, I can do it.”
“Confidentially? Or do I need to have a spell put on you?” I scented the air, waiting for her
response.
Her eyes narrowed. “Confidentially, of course. I never disclose information about my patients.” Truth.
“Good.” I rolled, pulling the blanket up higher on my shoulder. “I want it done today.”
An extended pause. “Okay, Ms Ruckler.” She cleared her throat. “To reiterate: you should not have sex, or do any extraneous activity, within the next three days.” She made an odd noise in her throat. “Also, the procedure can be reversed once you decide you’re ready for children.” She stood by the door, her hand on the doorknob. “I’ll be back in less than an hour to begin.”
The next three days were a blur in wretched time.
My best friends stayed with me during my stint in the medical ward, in which I spent a full day after my procedure. Bindi told everyone who came to see me — none of whom I allowed into my room as I was in no mood to talk with anyone — that I was recovering. She left it at that, letting them make their own assumption that I was recovering from miscarrying.
In truth, I was.
Just as I spent the next two days recovering lying in my own bed.
As did Ezra.
We barely moved, the TV on constantly as background noise, while our positions with Jack and Pearl were reversed. In retrospect, that time was the true turning point for them in their loss-filled attentions. They pushed aside their month-old hurt to take care of us with our unexpected losses. Slowly, my crying jags became shorter and Ezra’s bouts of silence became fewer while they watched over us, forcing us to eat three meals a day and to talk to them, getting directly in our faces at certain points when we didn’t even realize they were speaking.
The Kings let us be, more than likely because when a knock came at Ezra’s or my door, it was firmly ignored. We had no wish during that period to speak with anyone but Jack and Pearl, who wouldn’t allow us to ignore them, even if they had no real clue how to console us, this incident one none of us ever expected to experience.
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