As Long As You Love Me (Love Me Series Book 4)

by Jaime Russell

  “Dad, we told you that we will do the lunch with her and meet her children but like you said; this is our family.” Sarah looks sad listening in on the conversation. She comes over to cuddle up with me while the kids are playing with Ella. Jana laid one of the blankets on the floor as Ella tries to grab her feet. Bennett is making silly faces at Ella.

  “You heard?” I kiss Sarah on the top of the head as she nods, “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. It took me for a surprise. There is so much anger towards Michelle but so much love towards me. I hope that they can let go of that anger. I have found through watching Abby and Max with their parents and how letting it go has changed them. Forgiving their parents was more for them than their parents. I think that’s why my mother and I are the way we are. I’m trying to forgive her; I say the words but don’t feel it.”

  “Sarah, having children will do that to you. As Ella grows, you will form a relationship with her but holding onto the bitterness will come down on her too. I forgave Michelle a long time ago. I found an amazing therapist who helped me work through the emotions of it all. The kids now see her as well.” Sarah snuggles into me more and I know this is her cue to fall asleep. We both end up napping as I’m startled awake by Jana shaking me asking about a bottle for Ella. I see Sarah is still out. I slowly get up making sure she looks comfortable and cover her up. I grab the diaper bag while Jana follows me into the kitchen.

  “I love Ella!” Jana says as she sits down cradling Ella getting ready to feed her. I hand her the bottle and sit down with her. “Grandma is making lasagna for dinner tonight. It smells like heaven. Are we staying here tonight or over at Sarah’s apartment?”

  I open my eyes and hear nothing but silence. I stretch and wince with the pain of the spot where my surgery happened. I remove the blanket and try to navigate myself around the house that I’ve never been in. I follow my nose to where the smells of heaven are coming from and I hear laughter. I stand in the doorway to the kitchen watching Jensen, Jana, and Bennett together playing a game while Holly stands with Ella talking about spoiling her rotten.

  “This family is full of drama but love is what keeps us going.” Jensen’s grandmother Edith, brings her arm around my waist. “Jensen is going to be pushy and demanding but keep him on his toes, it’s good for him.” She winks at me and I laugh. Jensen looks up to see his grandmother and I talking.

  “Oh this is not good. I see someone conspiring against me.” Jensen stares at his grandmother.

  “Shut up and help an old lady to the table.” I laugh as I follow them to the table.

  “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.” Holly says as she brings Ella over to me. “I hope you like lasagna.”

  “I love it. It’s the only dish that I can cook.” I smile and Jana laughs.

  “That’s daddy’s favorite dish.” Jensen nods with a smile on his face. I shake my head.

  “How is my little one? Mommy missed you while I napped but I so needed it. Did you get to spend lots of time with your sister and brother? Did Gram Gram, tell you stories that I need to know about?” Ella looks up at me and smiles.

  “Jensen go upstairs to the room you are sleeping in and grab the new addition that I added.” Holly is being awfully mysterious.

  “Holly thank you so much for the outfit that Ella got to wear to come home in. I took so many pictures of it. Did you use my camera to get pictures when we fell asleep?”

  “We did. You should see some of them. They are so funny.” Bennett gets up to get my camera as I see Jensen coming down with a beautiful white bassinet. “Jana and I laid in that as babies and now Ella can too.” Bennett puts my camera on the table for me to look at after I feel the beautiful dark wood that made this bassinet bassinet.

  “This is breathtakingly beautiful. The craftsmanship on this is so detailed and I can tell it was made with love.”

  “Stanley made it when we found out that Michelle was pregnant with the twins. We have a matching one upstairs that Jensen will take to his house and this one will be here.” Holly states as she starts putting the plates on the table. Jensen clears his throat and the kids jump up to help.

  “I’m sure Ella will love this as much as I do. The dark cherry wood is what her crib, changing table and dressers look like. It’s my favorite to have in any room.”

  “Great minds think alike before we even met.” Holly says with a smile on her face. Jensen stands to take Ella from me since I can’t move real well and bending at the waist hurts like a mother fucker. Ella is laying in the bassinet as Jana puts a mobile on it so it plays music and moves around. I smile at the scene and take a picture of Jana leaning over talking to Ella with a smile on her face. I start to look around the table to see a family, my family. Can I marry Jensen without truly knowing him for the sake of Ella?

  I’m taken out of my thoughts by Holly asking me what salad dressing I want. “This looks amazing! All I have had is that horrible hospital food.” I lean in take a whiff of the lasagna and lick my lips. Everyone laughs at me and I join in. “When I got pregnant all, I wanted was pasta and pickles. Max always laughed at me about it.”

  “I didn’t know that, you didn’t mention that in the letters.” Jensen’s voice seems sad.

  “What letters?” Jensen’s grandmother asks as she eats her dinner.

  “During the pregnancy, I wrote Ella’s father, who I didn’t know was Jensen, a letter almost every day and took pictures so when I found him, he could be a part of the pregnancy, and her life.” I speak up.

  “Sarah wrote a lot about Bennett and Jana helping with the pregnancy by reading to her ever-growing belly, lifting heavy things, painting, and growing a wonderful relationship. The letters were raw, completely honest and heartbreaking but I felt every emotion that Sarah wrote about. I hate that I missed it but I’m glad that I know now and we can parent together.” Jensen grabs my hand to squeeze it. I couldn’t help but lean into him to kiss him. “I love you.” We whisper to each other.

  “Sorry.” I blush.

  “Don’t ever apologize for showing your emotions.” Holly says as the kids look at us with big smiles on their faces.

  We eat in complete chaos and chatter which is something that I absolutely love. They let me know that every Sunday is family dinner and no one can miss. I was instructed that I was to be there no questions asked. It’s been about six hours since I left the hospital and I never checked my phone. I have so many text messages from family and friends. My mother is pissed off so I call her.

  “Where are you? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you when I went to the hospital and they told me you checked out.”

  “I’m at Jensen’s family’s house. I wanted Ella to meet her great-grandmother.”

  “The DNA tests are not back yet. Isn’t it a little mean to have her meet a family that couldn’t be hers?”

  “Mother, for the fiftieth time, Jensen is the father. He is the ONLY man I ever slept with so I’m sure that makes him the dad so get over it. You are not the only grandmother in fact Shawn’s mom Joan will be known as Ella’s grandmother too.” My mother starts to mumble and scoff away from the phone to my dad. I roll my eyes at Jensen who is standing next to me.

  “I think you are being ridiculous. I can’t talk to you like this. Let me know when I can come by and spend time with MY granddaughter.”

  “Come by tomorrow at any time. Jensen and I will be at the apartment with Ella.” I hang up not waiting for a response. My body starts to shake and I feel a panic attack coming on. Jensen pulls me into a hug and I listen to his heartbeat that starts to soothe me some as I cry into his chest.

  “I’m sorry baby. I got you. You are not alone.” Jensen kisses me on the top of my head. “Can I do anything?”

  “You are doing it.” I whisper. “Just hold me.” I beg.

  “Forever and always. This is where I want you to be, in my arms.”

  “Those words scare me and make me feel safe all at the same time.”

  �
�Scares me too. I only had fuck buddies and never wanted to date or even marry again. You came into my life in the on-call room and then through the text messages, calls, and emails I was falling for you Sarah, only to find out that you are the same person, my world turned upside down. I love you Sarah and I don’t want to give up on us having a family.”

  “Jensen, you took the words right out of my mouth. I look at the kids with Ella and I want a family. I want to wake up with you every day but we need to date before we take that leap. There is still so much that we don’t know. How are we going to realize that we are compatible? We had a one night stand.”

  “We are compatible in bed what else is there?” I roll my eyes.

  “Yes we are compatible in bed but what about outside of it? Now you see where my fear is coming from?”

  “Alright, I will only ask you once a day instead of every five minutes.” We laugh.

  “Sarah, Dad, Ella is fussing and she stinks.” Jana yells from the kitchen.

  “So, the kids don’t do dirty diapers but does daddy?” I wink as Jensen groans. “I can’t bend down remember,” I smile up at him.

  “Not playing fair.” Jensen groans as he heads into the kitchen with the diaper bag as I laugh. I follow him into the kitchen but see Holly changing the diaper. Jensen has that smug look on his face. I go and sit on his lap.

  “Don’t forget your mom won’t be at my apartment with us for two weeks. Dirty diapers will need to be changed.”

  “I know.” Jensen kisses my nose. This man brings out a side of PDA that I never had before. I need to be touching him. I wonder if this will go away once the newness wares off.

  “Are you ready to go? I need to shower and get into some more comfy clothes plus I need to take my medicine.”

  “I need to pack a bag, want to come up with me while my parents do the grandparent thing for a little bit?” I nod my head as we walk hand in hand up the stairs slowly. “You feeling okay?”

  “I’m getting sore. It’s one of the reasons I want to get into my bed and get Ella use to her new surroundings plus Reagan is blowing up my phone on when we will be home so she can give the baby kisses. Are you okay with not being with the kids for a couple of days?”

  “I’m going to miss them obviously, but they understand. Why don’t you want me around?”

  “I want you around but you are a dad to two amazing kids who need their father too. Is it wrong of us to keep them away for the first couple of days?”

  “They need to bond with Ella too, but you and I need to bond more. The kids are coming over in a couple of days and we’ll be around each other trying to get to know one another personally.”

  “You are an amazing dad. I’m so lucky.” I kiss him on the lips with such desire. I want him so badly and he knows it too because I feel it against my stomach. “God, I want you to make love to me so badly.”

  “Soon baby, soon. I better get packing, lay on the bed okay?” I lie down and get comfortable while Jensen gets his clothes together. I watch him move around the room and look at the pictures that are around the room. Jensen as a child, the twins, and family pictures; I smile at him as he puts clothes in the black gym bag.

  It’s been about twenty minutes of me gathering clothes to get together for us to leave and I look over to see Sarah lying on her back and fast asleep. She has this little snore to her that makes me smile. I quietly leave the room trying to find my mom.

  “Hey mom.” I whisper seeing Ella fast asleep in the bassinet as she puts the dishes in the dishwasher.

  “Hey honey, what’s up?” I take over the dishes for her so she can sit down.

  “Sarah is sound asleep in my bed, snoring. She is exhausted, would you mind if we stayed here tonight and then head over to her place tomorrow?”

  “This is your home too until yours is complete. I love having my whole family under the same roof. Hang on a second.” My mom gets up and goes to the living room to grab something. “Here, when the time is right and you will know when that is.” My mom hands me a ring box. “This is the ring that your grandfather bought your grandmother when he finally made something and she hated it. She prefers the one he bought when they first got married. She wanted to give it to you herself but lately she’s been finding it difficult to talk about him. She’s been thinking a lot about the past.” My mom wipes a lone tear. I open the box to see the most beautiful sapphire gem with the diamonds all around the band. It’s the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.

  “Why wasn’t this given to me when I married Michelle?”

  “Your grandmother knew you didn’t feel half of what you feel for Sarah.”

  “That old bird is a smart one. Mom, I haven’t been living until now. I would go through the emotions that I needed to but I felt empty inside. I have my kids and they are amazing, when they are around I feel whole. I never felt complete until Sarah. I don’t want to lose her but all I do is demand her to marry me or move in with me.”

  “Honey, the light left your eyes when Michelle left you to raise those kids by yourself. Last June something changed in you and then you became even more happy in October. I loved seeing the son I raised whose smile would reach his eyes and now they do again.”

  “Mom what if I fuck it up with her?”

  “Sarah is going to be in your life thanks to that little one who is fast asleep and in perfect health. What you need to figure out, is how to tame that demanding jackass and to go with the flow.” My mom winks at me as she grabs the diaper bag and Ella so I can grab the bassinet. We quietly walk into my room to see Sarah still sleeping so I put Ella on my side of the bed and she doesn’t even stir. I go to say good night to my other kids who are also asleep. I see on Jana’s computer the pictures of the three of them, the five of us and the eight of us. I want this forever. I kiss her on her temple as I remove the computer, “Night my beautiful daughter who stole my heart from the day she was born.”

  I check in on Bennett who is texting, “Buddy, it’s late. Time for bed.”

  “I was just texting Jonathan, what are you doing here?”

  “Sarah fell asleep and I didn’t have the heart to wake her so we are crashing here tonight.”

  “Cool. If you need help with Ella, wake me up!” Bennett hugs me and tells me that he loves me. I walk back into my room and decide to jump in the shower. I let the hot water hit my back and I feel the tension that I didn’t realize I had in my shoulders relax.

  “That looks like heaven.” Sarah says with a yawn. “I’m sorry that I fell asleep.”

  “It’s okay. You needed the sleep. We’ll stay here tonight and head over to your place later. Want to join? I promise no funny business.”

  “Well I could use a real shower and you can do my bandages. I don’t have anything to sleep in; can I borrow a shirt and boxers?”

  “I thought someone slept naked.” I raise an eyebrow at her.

  “I live with a teenage boy, best friend and his fiancé; I sleep in tank tops and boxers. I wanted to tease you.”

  “Come on, get in and I’ll wash you.” I open the door as a naked Sarah gets in. “I’m going to try to behave.” We laugh.

  “I’m really sore between the boobs starting to dry up thanks to the pills, the last three days in the hospital, and not having my pain pills because we forgot to get them filled that my body hurts so bad.” Sarah cries and I pull her into me.

  “I can’t imagine what you are feeling but I will be gentle.” I tell her as I put my body wash on a washcloth and start to lather Sarah up as I start on her back. She holds her hair up to help me and I kiss the back of the neck before soaping it up. I slowly massage her neck and shoulders. I feel the tension and her moaning in pleasure is giving me an erection. I move my hands down her back to massage her but it was more for me to touch her. This body has been capturing my thoughts and dreams for so long now.

  “Your hands are magical but I need you to speed it up slightly. Ella may need us and we can’t hear her in the shower.” I kiss the back o
f her head and forgot about massaging her so I wash her and then she looks up at me when I tell her to turn. “I can do this. I don’t want you to remember my body looking like this right now.” Sarah blushes.

  “Baby you look amazing. There is something about a woman giving birth to my beautiful girl Ella that makes me want her more than I already do.” I talk to her as I gently wash her breasts and stomach when I try to go lower she winces. “I’ll let you do it after I wash your legs.” Sarah nods. I wash her legs and when I’m eye level with her vagina, I close my eyes, lean in to give her butterfly kisses on her stomach. I stand up to hand her the washcloth. We finish showering in a couple of minutes. I gave her my t-shirt that I brought in for me so I put on my blue pajama bottoms and head out of the bathroom to get dressed in privacy plus I’m sure Ella needs one of us.

  I stand in the doorway and motion for Sarah to come here. Jana and Bennett have Ella on the bed reading “Goodnight Moon” to her and making funny noises at her. I tear up watching my kids take to Ella like they have because the thought of more children and a wife never was a factor until Sarah came into my life.

  “Hey guys, did she wake you up?” Sarah comes out wearing my blue t-shirt that matches these pajama bottoms and it makes me laugh that it is at her knees.

  “No, we woke up and wanted to see her.” Jana replies with a smile. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

  “No sweetheart, I have everything I need right here. Do you mind if I get on the bed with you?”

  “You want to read to us?” Bennett looks confused.

  “No, I was thinking about you guys reading to me.” Sarah winks at Bennett.

  “Actually, can we talk a little bit first?” I speak up and I know the mood is going to deter the happy family moment but with Sarah here with the kids, we might actually get a chance to talk.

  “Sounds serious.” Sarah says and I nod. “Do you need me to leave?”

  “No, I want you here with us because you are in our lives and a part of our family.” Sarah sends me a dirty look. She knows that I’m feeling this out in front of the kids to see their reaction.