by Hazel Kelly
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“If I didn’t know it was, I wouldn’t have suggested it.”
I squeezed the back of my neck. “I’m not sure a man who’s just had a heart attack is in any condition to see a ghost.”
He laughed. “Don’t be silly. He’d be delighted to see you. So would my mother.”
I swallowed.
“In fact, you’d be doing us all a favor if you showed up and distracted us from the tubes coming out of his face.”
“Surely he needs his rest.”
“Lily.”
“What?”
“As your brother, I am asking you to come visit my dad in the hospital.”
My tear ducts twitched.
Vivian studied my face and reached for another orange.
“Sebastian doesn’t want to see me, Javi.”
“Fuck, Sebastian. Do it for my old man.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t want to catch up now either.”
“Hey Dad. Lily’s in the neighborhood. Would you like it if she came by?”
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Yeah, that’s the one… Okay, never mind. Bad idea.”
I craned my neck so far forward I was surprised it didn’t snap.
“Just kidding! He said that’s why he had the heart attack in the first place. Just so you would feel obligated to pay him a visit!”
“Javi—”
“Lily.”
“Your brother and I aren’t on good terms right now. The last thing I want is to piss him off.”
He scoffed. “So instead you’re going to piss off a disabled guy and an elderly man in a hospital bed?”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“Okay, fine. Don’t stay. But at least bring us some food that hasn’t been pounded into a square or processed to the point where teeth are no longer required to eat it.”
Shit. Saying no to a visit was one thing. Thinking it was my job to keep Mama Rod from having to feed her family hospital food was quite another.
“Can I take that silence as the sound of you putting your shoes on and walking out the door?”
“Fine. I’ll bring food and say hi, but I’m not staying. I’m not family.”
“Since when?” he asked.
Since your dad told me to get lost? Since your brother stopped taking my calls? Since I left. Because I left. Because I didn’t fight harder.
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re the prodigal daughter about to return home.”
“You’re an obnoxious person.”
“And yet you love me anyway,” he said. “’Cause that’s how family works.”
And in that moment, the comment struck me. I mean, obviously Javi wasn’t an obnoxious person, but even if I really thought that, I probably would love him anyway. I loved my father, after all, and he was a veritable monster.
So maybe Sebastian could still love me. Maybe Vivian was right. Maybe what I’d done wasn’t that horrible. Maybe it was simply misguided, desperate, and immature.
Maybe against all odds, he would forgive me.
If only he understood. If only I could make him see that my mistakes had nothing to do with him. If only he believed I was truly ready to change.
For all the right reasons.
Forever.
T H I R T Y F O U R
- Sebastian -
“I thought they said this wouldn’t take long?” I asked, checking my watch.
“Don’t be impatient, cariño,” my mother said, squeezing my arm. “I’d rather they were thorough.”
I leaned back in my chair and gazed at the middle of the room where my dad (and the bed he’d been rolling around on all afternoon) was supposed to be already.
“Has Dad had an angiograph before?” Javi asked, his arms folded across his chest.
My mom nodded, averting her gaze when there was a knock on the window to the hall.
My stomach dropped when I saw her.
She lifted a brown bag in the air, and I recognized the logo instantly.
What the hell was she doing here?
Javi wheeled towards the door and pulled it open.
“Did someone order Philly cheesesteaks?” Lily asked, looking nervous as hell.
“Lily!” My mom sprang out of her chair and went to give her a hug.
I looked at Javi, and I could tell instantly from the sheepish look on his face that I had him to thank for this awkward moment.
I stood and shoved my hands in my pockets, watching from across the room as my mom made a fuss over how great it was to see her, going so far as to touch her hair and squeeze Lily’s cheeks between her flat palms.
Wonder if she’d carry on that way if she knew most people had to pay to manhandle her like that?
Of course, as soon as the nasty thought entered my head, it was replaced by self-loathing. Not only because this was no time to be uncharitable but because it hurt me. Thinking unkind things about her actually caused me physical pain.
“You’re the best,” Javi said, hoisting the bag she’d brought onto the table and pulling a bundle of wrapped sandwiches from it.
I was comforted as soon as the familiar smell of greasy beef filled the room. Damnit. How did I end up being the one getting ambushed?
Sensing Javi was about to make a mess, my mom intervened and began organizing the food on offer.
“I have more napkins in my purse,” Lily said. “If there aren’t enough in the bag.”
“How did you know I was here?” I asked, stepping up to her.
“Javi answered your phone and told me what happened.”
I patted my jacket and back pocket. He must’ve still had it.
“Said the cafeteria was lousy and that you guys would be grateful for refreshments.”
“I thought you visited Paige on Tuesdays.”
She shot me a look like I wasn’t making sense. “I went yesterday.”
I stared at her, wishing the right words would come, but I honestly didn’t know whether I was happy to see her or not. I mean, of course I was, but things still felt so strained, so uncertain.
“You’re growing a beard,” she said, her dark eyes sweeping across my face.
“No. Just not shaving.”
“Oh. Okay, well, I’ll leave you guys to it,” she said. “I’m sure you all want to—”
“At least stay for lunch,” Javi said. “Since you went to all this trouble.”
I clenched my jaw.
She raised a palm. “No, really, I have to—”
“I didn’t know Dino’s did salads?” Mama Rod said as she pulled one out of the bag.
Lily shifted on her heels. “I didn’t think your husband would be allowed to eat anything else from there.”
“Good thinking,” my mom said, smiling.
Javi laughed. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when we give him that while the rest of us have grease dripping off our chins.”
Lily smiled in his direction, but her expression dropped with the volume of her voice when she turned to face me. “I’m sorry for the intrusion. Javi made me feel like I couldn’t say no.”
“You had no problem saying no to me on the Fourth.”
She hung her head. “Sebastian, I—”
“Save it,” I said. “This isn’t the time or place.”
“I do owe you an explanation, though,” she whispered. “Or at least, I’d be grateful if you’d give me a chance to explain, and then if you don’t want to see me anymore—”
I sighed. “I never stopped wanting to see you.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“I just can’t bear to see you like that.”
“Like what?”
I glanced over my shoulder, confirming that my family was too busy chowing down to hear over their smacking lips. “Vulnerable,” I said. “Victimized.”
Her lips fell apart.
“You’re better than that.”
“I know,” she said, her eyes pleading.<
br />
“Good.”
“And I know my choices aren’t the easiest to forgive.”
“Or forget,” I said.
She nodded.
“All righty,” the nurse said as she pushed the door open. “The guest of honor has returned.”
Lily and I jumped to the edge of the room as two men wheeled my dad in and hooked him back up to the equipment on the far wall.
“Lily,” my dad said when he saw her.
I waited for him to notice the Philly cheesesteaks in the corner since Dino’s was his favorite, but he didn’t take his eyes off her. And I couldn’t be sure, but I swore they grew a bit glassy as they smiled across the room.
“Hi,” Lily said, a sheepish look on her face. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
The nurse’s eyes darted around as if she, too, sensed the strange tension in the room. “The doctor will be in as soon as he’s had a chance to look over the pictures so—” She backed towards the door. “I’ll leave you to enjoy your lunch.”
“Thanks, Darlene,” my dad said, nodding in her direction. “You know where to find me.” Then he raised his hand and summoned Lily over to his bedside, reaching for her hand as soon as she got close. “It’s good to see you looking so well.”
“Thanks, Mr. Rodriguez,” she said.
“That’s Papa Rod to you,” he said, pointing a finger at her. “Now, would the rest of you take that heavenly smell outside, for the love of God?”
“Don’t worry, Dad,” Javi said, covering his mouth while he chewed. “There’s a salad here for you.”
“Watch it,” my dad said, shooting him a look. “I’m not too weak to give you a smack.”
Javi rolled his eyes, pulled his sandwich bag onto his lap, and headed for the door.
“We’ll be right outside, mi amado,” my mom said, focused on her half-eaten sandwich.
“Go on,” my dad said, tilting his head after them. “Don’t be a martyr.”
“I’m happy to wait,” I said, grabbing the rail at the end of his bed. “I don’t want to leave you right after—”
“Go eat your lunch,” he said, his expression stern. “I want to have a word with Lily.”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“You heard me,” he said, shooing me towards the door.
Lily glanced at me with wide eyes like she was just as confused as I was.
“You really want me to go?”
He nodded.
I looked at Lily and then back at him. “Dad, I—”
“Are you really going to argue with me now?” he asked. “When I’m in a paper dress? Jesus. Cut me some slack, would you?”
“Sorry,” I said, stepping backwards towards the door. “I guess if you need me—”
“Yeah, yeah. Stop acting like this is my deathbed. I’ll be eating Dino’s again by this weekend.”
My eyes bounced between them as I lingered in the doorway.
“By all means take your time,” my dad called when I left the door ajar.
So I closed it, more confused than ever about what the hell was going on.
T H I R T Y F I V E
- Lily -
“It’s good to see you,” Mr. Rodriguez said, his eyes crinkling at the edges.
“Is it?” I asked, wiping my clammy hands on my skirt. “Because I feel terrible about breaking my promise to you. I hope you know I didn’t seek Sebastian out. It was only a coincidence.”
“Fate,” he corrected. “And you needn’t be sorry. I’m the one who owes you an apology.”
My stomach churned.
“But first, let’s get one thing clear,” he said, beckoning me closer.
I leaned down, and he pulled my face close so he could whisper in my ear.
“I want you to know I’ve never told your secret,” he said. “Our secret. It remains between you and me and God. And it will until my dying day, just like I promised you.”
My eyes watered.
“Which, fortunately, isn’t going to be today, after all,” he said, releasing his hold on me.
“Thank you,” I said, squeezing his hand.
His expression twitched as he looked past me, and I glanced over my shoulder. Sebastian was standing with his arms crossed at the windows, watching us with a hardened jaw.
“Would you mind closing the blinds?” Papa Rod asked. “Since my son obviously can’t take his eyes off you for two damn seconds.”
“Are you sure?”
“Please,” he said. “He’s a bigger control freak than I am. It’ll be good for him.”
Sebastian’s mouth fell open when he saw me reach for the wand that controlled the blinds, and I cringed as I closed them in his face.
“Pull up a chair, Lily. We need to talk.”
I’d never been so nervous in my life. Except, of course, for the last time I was alone with Mr. Rodriguez, which was when he found me barefoot in the kitchen with my dad’s pistol in my shaking hands.
“How’s Paige, first of all?”
I exhaled. “Good. Really good, actually. She’s living full time at the Lotus Center.”
“Good,” he said, studying my face. “And you?”
“I’m…hanging in there,” I said, casting my eyes down at my lap. “But I have my health, and I’ve almost finished getting my degree, so things are getting better all the time.”
“I’m relieved you’re doing well, Lily. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over the years worrying I didn’t do right by you.”
“You saved my life,” I said. “And Paige’s.”
“I don’t know about that, but I’m glad you don’t hate me.”
“Hate you? I owe you everything.”
He sighed, reached for my hand, and wrapped it in his. “Your father was a bad man, Lily, and my professional position all those years ago meant I couldn’t be honest with you. But I can tell you now that—God forgive me—I think you did the right thing.”
Tears welled up in my eyes.
“I know why you did it, and I have never regretted the choice I made to help you cover it up.”
A tear fell from my eyes and slid over my cheekbone.
“Though I do regret that the system failed you, that I failed you. That it ever got so bad—”
“You didn’t know.”
He nodded. “Yes, well, turns out what you don’t know can hurt you. Sometimes more than you ever imagined.”
I thought of Sebastian standing outside, torn between the affection he had for the old me and the anger he felt for the new.
“Anyway, it’s important to me that you know I would’ve killed that bastard myself if you’d ever come to me before that. I would’ve done whatever it took to protect you and your sister.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You did protect us.”
“I did my best, but I should’ve done more.”
“No—”
“And I never should’ve insisted you leave. It was wrong. At the time, I thought it was the only way, but I wish I’d tried harder to find another.”
“Please don’t be sorry. You were right to ask me to go, right to not want me around your son once you knew what I was capable of.”
He furrowed his brow. “What you were capable of?! Lily, honey, you were a child.”
“I was eighteen.”
“Yeah, for two whole days.”
“Still.”
He shook his head. “You were backed into a corner, and you had to protect your sister. You were only doing what anyone would’ve done in that situation.”
I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, and they rushed out in silent bursts.
“Trust me. I’ve looked evil in the eye and so have you. And you are not a bad person. You are just a regular person who survived something unspeakable. So please don’t punish yourself in this life for what happened that night because I believe with my whole heart that you will not be punished for it in the next.”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my wrist.
“You di
d the right thing.”
I laid a hand over my chest and tried to get my breathing under control.
“I, on the other hand, did not.”
I narrowed my burning eyes.
“I should’ve thought better on my feet. I hope you can understand that I was scared. Scared for myself. Scared for my son. Scared for the support you would need from him after a trauma like that. And, of course, I was scared that our dangerous secret would spread if we weren’t separated.”
I nodded.
“At the time, I thought I was protecting Sebastian by asking you to disappear.”
“I know.”
“But I wasn’t.”
I took a stuttered breath.
“Not only did I not protect him from pain, I caused it. Worse, I deprived him of your love, which none of us could make up for.”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“The fact that I interfered that way is my greatest regret as a father.”
“You gave me my life.”
“That may be true, but I fear he wouldn’t see it that way. I fear he wouldn’t forgive me if he knew the role I played in your disappearance, if he knew I wasn’t looking for you all those times I said I was.”
“He doesn’t have to know.”
“That’s for you to decide,” he said. “But I’ll keep my version of the story between me and God, as promised.”
“Thank you.”
He spread his arms and gave me a hug that squeezed out the last of my tears so they fell onto his pillow. “You’re family, Lily. Whatever happens with you and Sebastian, you and Paige are family.”
“It means the world to know you’re not upset with me,” I said, sinking back onto my chair. “I wish there were some way I could repay the kindness you’ve shown me.”
“You’ll think of something,” he said, the affection in his eyes warm on my skin. “But I’ll give you a hint. You’re not going to do it with a Dino’s salad.”
I laughed. “Fair enough.”
“And just so we’re clear, if you want to see Sebastian again—or keep seeing him—that’s fine by me.”
“I’m not sure it’s fine by him, but I appreciate your goodwill.”
“He may not have a choice.”
“Pardon?”
“No Rodriguez man has ever lived to love two women, and if the way his heart broke before is any indication, I’d say you might be stuck with him.”