She jerks her chin out of my hold and pushes me with such force, I fall back.
“Oh I know, Michael. I’ve seen you for six years now. I’ve watched you when she walks into a room and you can’t keep your fucking eyes off her or when you tense up because your brother has his lips on her.”
She’s right. I thought I’d done a better job of hiding it. I got over the fact Mark and Rayna got married a long time ago. I know she loves him and I know she loves me, I also know it isn’t the same kind of love and I’ve dealt with that. I will always love Rayna, she was the first woman to make me feel in my life but she isn’t mine.
I move closer to Kitty and hold her hand.
“What do you want from me, Michael? You keep me around here like an old lady. I’m the one you turn to when you want to talk and I’m the one you come and find first when you come home after a run. Do you realize that? Do you even know how much you’ve made me a part of your life?” she asks, softly, all the coldness gone from her voice.
I wish she would stop fucking being right, it is beginning to piss me off. It is like she can see right through me.
“I’ve waited six years for you to give me something, I can’t wait any longer for you. I want someone who loves me, I want a ring and babies, Michael. I deserve that much.”
“I…”
I should say the three little words she needs to hear but they get stuck in my throat and it feels like I am trying to swallow barbed wire. I jump off the bed and give her what she wants.
“Fine, I’ll marry you, are you happy now?”
In seconds she goes from soft, wanting everything from me to bat shit crazy like the devil himself has possessed her.
First the tears begin to fall one at a time, then like a fucking tidal wave her cheeks are soaked with them. Bouncing off the bed, she flies towards me and beats her fists against my chest.
“You’re such an asshole!” she shrieks in my face.
She gives me a final shove and scatters about picking up her clothes.
“What? I said I’ll marry you. You should be fuckin’ happy, where’s the fuckin’ smiles?”
I guess I haven’t said the right thing because she stops dead still in the middle of the room and stares at me.
I see the moment she’s about to blow and screams the fucking the house down. When she has finished burning her throat up, she launches one of her heels across the room and straight at me. I narrowly manage to escape being hit before she goes for heel number two. This time I have a chance to protect myself, picking the wooden chair up from the corner of the room I raise it to my head and it blocks the second shoe.
“Asshole,” she shrieks a final time, before storming out of the room.
I don’t like her being upset but I thank God she’s gone. Putting the chair back in its place, I finish getting dressed and walk down to the bar.
Not in the mood to talk to anyone I sit beside Pope at the bar. I’m near enough guaranteed no conversation from him.
“Mark still isn’t back, should we be worried?” he asks.
I guess I was wrong this time.
Since Mark’s wedding the feud between the Raging Riders and the Lost Souls has escalated dramatically. Over the last five to six years we have lost five brothers to their guns and they’ve lost seven guys to ours.
All seven Raging Riders have died by my hand for the payback for Benny. We have no less than two prospects man the gates at all times now in case they attempt a drive by again. We won’t be took by surprise a second time.
“If he’s not back by morning, we’ll go looking. He probably got held up somewhere.”
Speaking of which, I’m getting held up here when I should be checking on Rayna.
“I’m gone bro, I’ll see you later.”
Outside is pretty quiet for around here and I enjoy the cool breeze during the short walk to the house.
“Hey Ray, where you at?” I yell, going from room to room finding them all empty.
“Up here.”
I jog up the stairs and find her buried under a pile of baby clothes and blankets in one of the spare rooms they have picked out for the kid.
Her hair is pinned back away from her face and she isn’t wearing a scrap of make-up. I block out her natural beauty and lean against the door frame.
“Can’t you get someone to help you with all this shit?” I ask her.
“Flo was with me but she had to leave, something to do with your girl.”
The way she smirks tells me she has already heard about our fight.
“Shit, that only happened like ten minutes ago. How did you find out?”
“You and Mark aren’t the only ones with spies around here, I have my ways,” she tells me, coyly, tapping the space beside her on the floor.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, as I move to sit next to her.
Not really but out of everyone, the only one I would talk to is her.
“I fucked up, I honestly don’t know how to do this with her,” I admit.
“You’re not the only one who doesn’t know, sometimes your brother doesn’t have a clue either and we’ve been married for six years now.”
That surprises me, I was sure that Mark couldn’t do no wrong in her eyes.
“Do you think I should marry her?”
I’m not asking for her permission, I value her opinion and I trust it more than I do my own most of the time, especially when it comes to shit about women and their ever consuming feelings. She also has a talent for seeing every angle of a situation.
“Michael,” she scolds, “You have to make that decision yourself, no one else.”
“I know,” I sigh heavily, “She wants a ring and babies, the whole fuckin’ lot.”
“What do you want? It’s as simple as that, if you love her and want to treat her right till the day you die then marry her. If you can imagine her not being in your life and it doesn’t hurt you then don’t marry her.”
She returns to folding the clothes and I sit contemplating what the fuck I want. I won’t ever be pushed into doing something I don’t want to do. I love the fact that my life is free.
Fierce jealousy zips through my veins thinking about Kitty being touched by anyone but me. I never classed my feelings as love with Kitty as they have always been overshadowed by Rayna.
The woman sitting beside me preparing the clothes for her unborn baby fathered by my brother is the one woman I’ll never have and I have found peace with that a while ago.
I don’t blame Kitty for losing her shit with me tonight. I have found myself living the same routine, expecting her to flow through life with me and not ask for more.
She has become a part of my life and being pushed I can finally see the bigger picture. It is true I like my life free, but no other woman makes me feel anything apart from Kitty.
Pushing to my feet I bend and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. I know what I have to do and better yet, I know what I want to do.
“I’m gonna go, are you okay here on your own?”
She looks up and laughs.
“I’ll be fine, you go and tell Mark it will nice to see him when he eventually gets back.”
“Will do.”
Leaving her in the house I can feel a door closing on everything I thought I wanted, under my nose this whole time or rather in my bed all this time is a woman who loves me like I wanted from someone else and now it is time I completely move on and concentrate on myself.
I scan the lot as I head for the clubhouse and see Mark’s bike still isn’t back, my trust in him to look out for himself and knowing he can take anyone out without breaking sweat is the only thing stopping me from sending a few guys out to look for him tonight. Like I told Pope, if he isn’t back by morning then we’ll head out in numbers and search high and low until we track him down.
The atmosphere inside the clubhouse will never get old, the music, cigarette smoke hanging in the air, the smell of liquor and the guys content and chilling out enj
oying the women and the camaraderie between each other.
My plan was to have a hard shot of whiskey before I track down Kitty, but as soon as I was through the door Flo comes out of the bathrooms and waves me over.
“She’s really upset in there,” she tells me, before skittering off to the bar.
In the past I would have left her to shit talk about me to the other girls and only return when she had calmed down, this time however, shit is getting sorted and neither of us is running away.
Pushing open the door I find her surrounded by three of the whores coddling her and assuring her everything will be okay.
“Get out.”
All three of them jump and run out leaving Kitty and I alone. Her cheeks are damp with tears and her black make-up is streaming down her face. Grabbing a bunch of paper towels from the wall I turn the tap on and drench the towels. She watches me silently and uses her sleeve to swipe across her nose. She doesn’t move when I approach and hold her face in one of my hands. I clean her cheeks until her face is free from smudged blackness.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Is this you apologizing?” she asks, her voice is thick with emotion.
“Yeah, I suppose it is,” I say, trying to remember the last time I apologized to anyone. I can’t.
“Carry on then.”
I throw the dirty towels in the trash and grab dry ones and carry on wiping her face. Her eyes are wide watching me, waiting for me to speak.
“You’re right. I’ve made you a part of my life and I don’t regret it. You want me to say I love you and I do, I love you Kit. I know I should’ve told you by now but I’m not that guy. I’ve shown you I’ve loved you for a while now, I don’t say sweet sentiments, I show you them. Haven’t I looked after you for years now? I haven’t been with anyone else but you, you’ve been my girl and we both know it without having to say it, don’t we?”
Fresh tears fall from her eyes and I wipe them away for her too. I can feel her lean into me as I kiss her forehead softly. She nods and I carry on,
“I do love Rayna…”
“I knew it,” she cuts in, shouting and pushing her hands against me to force me back. I stand my ground and remain where I want to be.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Kit. Let me finish will ya,” I bellow, grabbing her flying wrists and keeping them secure and away from my face.
“I love her like my sister, she’s my family. Mark and I don’t have anyone else, everyone here is all we’ve got and I’ll be damned if I don’t look after what’s mine.”
My tone is heavy with demanding and urgency that she understands.
“What happens now?” she asks.
“Now, I’m going to put a ring on your finger and make you happy. Not because it will shut you up but because I know you will walk away from me and I don’t want to lose you. Then I’m going to fill your belly full of babies and we’ll make our own family, something only we share.”
I was only expecting one reaction and the one I got wasn’t it. As soon as I stopped talking and she had taken in what I had said, her forehead flopped against me and she began crying.
“Fuck babe, you’re beginning to cry too damn much,” I mutter, wrapping my arms around her and holding tight.
“Shut up, I’m crying because I’m happy. Only you could propose in a bathroom and make it feel like a candle lit dinner,” she giggles.
I groan loudly in frustration, “You’re not going to start demanding candles and shit, are ya?” I ask, fearful to hear her answer.
Her laugh tells me everything is going to be okay.
“No, I’m not that kind of girl. I much prefer shots at the bar and shaking my ass on the dance floor.”
Yep, everything is going to be just fine.
“That’s my girl.”
And she is, it is time to make her my number one and focus solely on her. What she wants, she can have. No more hoping for something or rather someone I will never have.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Mark
The sun had barely risen before we set out to ride home. Our main danger lies with the Raging Riders. Our war with them doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon and the longer it goes on the more violent it becomes. It is the only aspect of the club I hate and it keeps me awake night after night. The gun running and the odd jobs of protection we take on doesn’t faze me, it’s the lives lost to rivalry. It’s almost scary to think how fast we adapted to watching our backs and the ones we love and care about in case an enemy’s bullet comes for us.
Six years of this has felt like an eternity and the prospect of living like this till our last breath deepens the hatred between the two clubs. Our fierce need to protect our families and what we have built is what drives us against them, but their need solely for violence and to be the better club is what drives them and their fearless actions have become unpredictable and in turn makes them even more dangerous.
After the shooting on my wedding night, we have never let them get that close to the clubhouse again, but to achieve that we have had to sacrifice a little part of ourselves each time one of us pulls the trigger. There are times when I lose myself to the violence and want to seek savage revenge when they gain the upper hand against us. Then there are times I seek only peace and in a world like ours that is a rare and dangerous hope to wish for. Knowing the time for violence and for peace is a balance I enforce on a daily basis with my men, an advantage we have over the Raging Riders. Every bullet that has been fired from one of our guns has been deliberated and planned, even down to the guy who is squeezing the trigger. With our enemy, they’re all about reckless fires and kills. Like last night, we were all in a busy street and yet they didn’t care about innocents getting shot, as long as they hit us they didn’t care.
Michael would be sending out men to look for us if we didn’t return soon and we were right. As we pulled into the clubhouse, Michael, Pope and Big Ron were getting ready to leave.
“Where have you fuckin’ been brother?” Michael asks, pulling his riding gloves back off and heading towards us.
“It’s been a long night, we’ll meet in the back room in ten minutes,” I say, loud enough for everyone to hear.
Everyone scatters and I head for the main house. It’s still early and I’m hoping Rayna is still in bed and I can feel her soft, warm body against mine and know I’m truly home.
The house is quiet when I enter, normally you can hear music playing and the women sitting around laughing and chatting.
Making my way up the stairs and to our bedroom I count the hours down until I can return to our room and not have to leave until I’ve slept for at least six hours.
The hinges creak as I open the door slowly and close it behind me. Curled up as much as she can with the baby bump, Rayna is still asleep. As tempting as it is to climb in beside her I round the bed instead and kneel beside her. Her radiant smile when she is awake takes my breath away, but it is her completely relaxed features as I watch her sleep that brings me solace in the dark hours when sleep evades me.
It doesn’t take long for my close presence to stir her and her slender fingers snake out from under the covers and wrap around my wrist.
Her lazy smile pulls me closer and I place a soft kiss on her cheek.
“Hey, when did you get back?”
“Just now, I’m sorry I took so long but we got held up. I got here as soon as I could.”
I decide not to tell her about our run in with the Raging Riders, this far into her pregnancy I don’t want any complications to arise because she was worrying about us.
“I tried waiting up for you but this little one makes me so tired these days, I crashed out a few hours ago.”
“If you’re tired then sleep, don’t wait up for me, you know I’ll always come back to you. Always,” I promise her.
“Come to bed, it’s still early.”
“I will soon, I have a couple of things to sort out. I just wanted to check on my girl and my baby first,” I tel
l her.
“We’re still tired and want you with us,” she purrs.
“I’ll be back…”
“Just go then,” she sighs and closes her eyes.
“I haven’t seen you for two days, can I at least get a kiss?”
She rolls over and turns her back to me. I knew she would be pissed, with only a few weeks to go until the baby is due she didn’t want me taking trips in case anything happened and I wasn’t around.
When we first got together the club was only taking baby steps and I got to spend more time with her, but over the years some runs take longer than others and she hates it. I know she has worries regarding our future when our baby arrives, no matter how much I try to assure her that I will be there for her she gets this look in her eyes that silently disagrees with the words coming out of my mouth.
“I’ll kiss you when you come back to bed,” she murmurs, stubbornly.
Sighing a little too loudly, I push up to my feet and lean across the bed and kiss her anyway. Two days is a long ass time to be without her and I’ll be damned if I can’t have a fucking kiss when I get home. Leaving on any sort of bad note sucks but I have to take care of business before I can make it up to her.
Finding the balance that keeps my wife happy and the club content and in one piece becomes more difficult each day. However, the love for my wife and the passion to keep my club thriving and safe makes the struggle worth it. I signed on for this life and I won’t let anything come between it.
Neither of us say anything as I leave and I quickly make my way to the back room in the clubhouse we designated for our club meetings regarding any business we deal in.
Only Michael, Oak, Micky, Pope and Big Ron are sitting around the table when I arrive on account it is too early for everyone to be awake yet.
Closing the door behind me and taking my seat at the head of the table, I explain why we didn’t return home last night as planned.
“They’re taking the fuckin’ piss, brother,” Michael growls.
“What I want to know is how they know where we are, because every run we go on lately we’re getting hit. I don’t want to say it but I think someone might be talking our business to the wrong people,” Micky says, looking dejected at the thought of one of own betraying us.
Biker Born: The Lost Souls MC Series (The Lost Souls Series Book 4) Page 12