I kissed the giant cat before I headed out to a pumpkin patch. I needed time to think about my Halloween outfit.
I typically didn’t costume up, at least not in my teen and adult years for Halloween. The last time was a college party at Rachel’s. I wore Pharaoh’s old baseball uniform and put on a pair of plastic fangs. The image in retrospect was reminiscent of the beloved thunderstorm baseball scene in Twilight and I smiled at the connection.
I finally found a costume that would be worth paying the fifty dollars for at the third Halloween costume shop I visited. It was an uncomfortably sexy mermaid outfit. A flash of my nightmarish prom dress appeared in my head. Maybe this get up would help me redeem that night so many years ago. My dress was very revealing and without the shimmery tail fins could pass for a belly dancer number. That sealed the deal for me. I had to admit that I had a bit of a girl crush on Bella Donna. I made plans to return to her class, perhaps after my divorce was finalized and my cash flow recovered.
I grabbed a large size out of habit and brought it to the cashier. Two young men stopped what they were doing and watched me intently. I was still not comfortable with the attention I received from the opposite sex. Maybe I needed to pare down my look like Thomas’s sister did. I wondered if there was a pair of bottle cap glasses here I could purchase, and my eyes darted around the display of cheap props. Before I could do an about face, the smaller kid of the duo called out to offer his assistance.
“Ma’am?” I imagined hopping over the counter a pile driving the poor lad. Maybe I needed to get over being called ma’am.
“I can help you here!” He yelped enthusiastically. I brought the outfit to Shawn—as his name tag indicated. He asked if I found everything I needed. He looked at the sexy model on the label and I blushed. I hoped he wasn’t imagining me in it. Shawn touched the bright orange circle sticker with a bold letter L, and then scanned me up and down.
“Is this costume for you ma’am?” I flinched.
“Yes.”
“Ma’am, you’re definitely not a large. I suggest you get the medium or small even, depending on the f-f-fit you like. You can try it on if you want.” I glanced at the other associate-name tag-Norm. He looked like he was trying to shoot Shawn laser beams from his eyes. Over Shawn’s head was a large sign that read, Packaged Costumes Cannot Be Opened.
I pointed at the sign, but Shawn quickly reassured me that he would approve the fitting. I did want to see it on me and if this kid was willing to let me try it, I was game. I couldn’t see wasting money on something I might not like. He pointed to the single dressing room, which probably saw very little use. He walked a few steps behind me. Why was he following me? I looked back at him. Shawn had his arm outstretched with a size medium and small. I grabbed the medium and nodded. He chuckled nervously and redirected his attention to assist a bone-weary mom and her four demanding children.
I locked the door behind me and smiled into the mirror and waved. I did a quick two-way mirror test with my finger. I also looked above at a dusty vent. The general filth told me that there probably wasn’t a hidden camera up there. I smiled at it nonetheless. Suspicious minds.
I slipped into the medium outfit easily. I guess I passed as a mermaid. The fish tail was shimmery with jade and cerulean scales. The feathery chiffon fins floated beautifully as if I was really under the sea. The halter top was a tad bit sexier than I was used to, but Rachel unleashed the more confident me and I was actually happy with what I saw. My breasts seemed cartoonishly voluminous, but were covered well under golden clam shells. My abdomen was curvy, with a hint of muscle definition. I typically dreaded looking at my body in store dressing rooms, but I turned around slowly to catch a view of my back. It was lean and streamlined much to my pleasure. No more camel humps! I took a few minutes to admire it. I did some belly dancing shimmies and smiled as I mentally compared my body to Bella Donna’s. Maybe I had a career on the horizon as a Chamorrita belly dancer. Elated, I carefully undressed and repacked the costume. Just then, my Blackberry rang. It was Thomas, his name in all caps on my ID screen. Like our first call together, I was standing in the buff. I would have to tell him about these funny coincidences someday, maybe.
“Hi, friendly neighborhood stalker.” I joked.
Thomas’s laugh bubbled out of the phone and filled the dressing room. I pulled on my pants and fastened my bra quickly. After buttoning my jeans, I sat to give what felt like confession.
“Hi, Phoenix. How’s your day going?”
“Great! Got some things accomplished. That’s always good right?”
“I agree,” Thomas said cheerfully. “I got some things done too. Been feeling pretty inspired since talking to you last night, so I just had to call.” I felt the same way, but didn’t want to divulge that to him just yet. Keep mysterious.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Just started some writing again. I’m doing a screenplay.” Impressive. He didn’t mention that the night before. I didn’t want to ask him what it was about. I left that to him to share with me.
He explained that his sister wrote the screenplay for My Dad’s Gift about five years ago. It was a small production with rave reviews at the Sundance festival. He said I should Google it when I had the chance. He joked that he could get me a signed copy if I wanted one. Thomas explained that it was based on their father and it was Tamara’s way of dealing with his death. She received some money, but nothing to retire with. She used the money as an investment in her shop. I was in awe to say the least. I never knew anyone who wrote screenplays, now I knew two.
“So, did you happen to have a visitor this morning?” Thomas inquired. For a second, I wondered if he was talking about PMS. I was bloated. I almost forgot about my Hello Kitty doll, well, not really. I was just distracted.
“Oh, you mean Brandon, the Fed Ex guy? Yeah, he was great. Wanted to come into my condo and everything. Is it customary to tip the Fed Ex delivery person?” I joked.
“Oh, man. Was he scary? I’m sorry. I specifically asked for a frailest person to deliver the massive Hello Kitty doll to your doorstep.” Thomas countered.
“It was beautiful. The best thing in my humble HK collection so far. Thank you, Thomas.” I enjoyed saying his name. “Or, should I call you Rob?”
“You’re welcome, friend. Thomas will do. I like how it sounds coming from you.” There was an awkward pause. “What are you up to now? Now that it’s past lunch and you could have been sitting at the library with me.” I loved libraries.
“You won’t believe me if I told you.” I paused. “I’m sitting in a dressing room at Halloween Depot trying on a costume.” I wasn’t about to disclose what I was going to be this Halloween. I had no intentions of meeting up with Thomas. Bradley would be in town and I had the divorce to worry about. The safe distance of a phone conversation and e-mails offered were fine for now. It was respectable in my eyes.
“Cool, so what did you decide on? Nothing naughty I hope.”
“I can be naughty if I want to,” I teased. “I decided on the banana suit, but Spongebob Squarepants is really calling to me. Feeling the yellow this year.”
Thomas’s laughter sent shockwaves down my spine. He asked about my Halloween plans and I freely explained that I had a company party to attend. It wasn’t anything major since The Lure Company had ten employees in the office and about twenty five part-time and full-time Field Agents. I was glad Thomas didn’t ask where our party would be. I didn’t want him to see me half naked, and I adjusted my boobs at the thought.
Thomas said that the Bag It crew was currently planning their party. They did have to work on Halloween, but would be closed by eight. Then I heard a gentle rapping on the dressing room door. It must have been Shawn. I hoped he wasn’t eavesdropping.
I bid my farewells to Thomas. He remembered why he called in the first place and thanked me for my e-mail. I blushed, heat making me feel cramped in the dressing room. I finished dressing and fixed the meanest don’t flirt with me fa
ce on. I opened the door. Shawn’s face dropped maybe because I wasn’t in the mermaid get up, and he made a comment, perhaps trying on his machismo for size. He said he was hoping I would model the outfit for him. Blech!
“Dude, how old are you? Like 18? Why the hell would I model it for you? I’m married for Christ sake. Please, don’t let me file a complaint with your manager.” I wondered how much longer I could use the married excuse. I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring anyway. Shawn was stunned by my comments and like a puppy with his tail between his legs he quickly apologized and retreated to the back. Since getting the job at The Lure Company, I had become very vocal about customer service everywhere I went. I was hyperaware of even the smallest slight.
The one employee left standing, good old Norm waited at the register. He examined the packaging of the outfit and asked tentatively if I was purchasing it. I offered the right answer and he sighed in relief. I threw in a pair of black frame glasses.
Once I got home, I decided to clean up the condo. Although I didn’t feel the need to impress Bradley anymore, I wanted the home to match the new me. Clean, polished and untouchable. Everything needed to be shined and put in place. Rachel called in the middle of my living room dancing and cleaning to Beyonce’s Single Ladies.
“That’s my girl!” Rachel said happily as she heard my new anthem in the background. “Just called to see how you’ve been. I landed safely and it’s back to work for the old girl.”
“Just cleaning and enjoying my humongous new Hello Kitty plushy from Thomas.” I wasn’t going to let her off the hook so easily, but I was eager to share the news.
“See, I knew you two would make a love connection!”
“No, Rachel, no love connection.” At least not yet, I thought. “Thomas is very sweet and so awesome on the phone. Oh, and the handwritten note he sent with the delivery was almost poetic, but no, N-O, we are not an item and don’t have plans for that.”
“Why not woman?” Rachel whined.
I explained that we were friends. It’s unreasonable to fall in love overnight right? I told her about the three hours on the phone last night and the call at the costume shop. Rachel kept insisting that it was more than I was allowing it to be. I drilled in her that I couldn’t even think of Thomas in a romantic way until the divorce was final and I figured out my life. She agreed, finally.
Rachel kept it brief and made me promise to torture Bradley again. I finished cleaning up and brought my new toy to bed, the Hello Kitty doll that is. I plugged in my Blackberry by my nightstand and cracked open the latest book I was into. I was more diligent with keeping my phone charged to the max. I didn’t want anything hindering my communication with my new friend, Thomas. Just as I thought this, my phone beeped indicating that I had a text message. I figured it was Bradley texting the flight information. Instead, it was a short text from Thomas with an awesome picture of his profile. His honey hair crested backwards, and he looked like he had a bit of fuzz growing on his chin. His eyes crinkled, his smile wide. I wondered if his sister took the picture.
Good night, Phoenix Paltrow. I hope we can go cruising someday, just as friends though—no funny business. Thomas Huey Lewis.
I couldn’t stop smiling. I hugged my massive white cat tightly and thought of my new buddy. I saved and set his picture as his caller ID. I set the alarm for five in the morning to get in a jog and pick up Bradley. Even with the stressful thought of Bradley’s return. I was ecstatic like a puppy just relieved of her fleas. I had Thomas to look forward to and Bradley to set adrift. In our first day as official friends, Thomas made me laugh and smile and feel wonderful so many times. I drifted into a very peaceful sleep with the image of his perfect profile in my mind.
Chapter 8
Two Coffee Shops and A Boy
The next morning I awoke with a start. Happiness and dread filled me at the same time, leaving me adrenalized. I felt like nothing would get in the way of my new found exuberance, not even the return of my lying, cheating husband.
After my three mile jog and a light breakfast of oatmeal and fruit, I pulled on my pair of dark blue jeans and a flaming red v-neck cashmere sweater. I analyzed my backside for some time. I was still getting used to my new body. It was a bit chilly and I opted for the gray Gucci Janis Tassel boots that Rachel bestowed upon me.
She purchased it when I wasn’t watching and refused to tell me the price. I Googled it when we got home, naturally and insisted that she return the almost fourteen hundred dollar boots. Astro-freakin-nomical. She told me to consider it an early birthday gift. My 26 birthday wasn’t until next spring, but I protested no more. I threw on a knock-off Hermes scarf from the swap meet and looked at my reflection in the full length mirror. The cheap with the luxurious would balance out my financial conscience. Happy with my look, I didn’t worry too much about what Bradley might think about my lighter hair. Off to the airport to deal with dead weight.
I found a seat next to the luggage claims area. There were only a few people waiting. I kept my face buried in my book. I wasn’t in the mood to play flirt today; I’m never in the mood. I had another fifteen minutes to wait for Bradley.
The small jet from L.A. pulled into the commuter terminal and I watched as the roughly fifty passengers deplaned. I slinked to the glass window, recognizing Bradley right away. He was dressed in his uniform. The siren and lights of the conveyor belt started up and I saw Bradley’s large green Army issue duffle bag. Bradley was close to the building now and I had to admit he was looking strong and fit. His face was stone cold. He searched the happy crowd that awaited family and friends. I returned to my seat. I didn’t want to give him the impression that I was happy with his return, because I really wasn’t.
I watched quietly as Bradley entered and retrieved his bag. In one swift motion, he hoisted it over his shoulder. He marched away from the happy families then paused near me. I stood to greet him, but he glanced at me, half smiled, and then headed away from the waiting area. I blinked a few times before I realized that he did not recognize me. Fifteen pounds and a change in hair color must have thrown him off my scent. I trailed him as he headed to the exit, occasionally scanning his surroundings for me. The old me would have called out “G.I. Joe!” But, my funny bone wasn’t on lease to him anymore.
Bradley crossed the threshold and paused outside the automatic exit doors. I cleared my throat to get his attention. The blast of cold morning air blew my hair back and Bradley turned around to finally look at me, for the second time that morning. I couldn’t have planned the Hollywood scene any better. The moment when he realized it was me. He stood in place and I remained on the platform opposite him, still in the building. I raised my eyebrows and suppressed my smile. The look on my soon-to-be-ex-husband’s face as the slow realization that I was really me was satisfying to say the least. Screw it! It was awesome! Everyone should have this experience once before they die.
The double glass doors closed on us since neither of us moved for several seconds. The approach of happy families and friends reunited with their loved ones snapped us out of the moment. I approached Bradley and his eyes took in my entire transformation. He backed up a few steps and then we both side stepped to let people through. I raised my eyebrows as an invitation for him to say something.
“Nix?” Was all he could ask.
“Yeahhh?” I drew out the word. “Are you ready to go?” I told myself to keep civil and unemotional today. Bradley’s mouth was open, but he didn’t move or speak. Then a retired military gent who looked to be about eighty years old patted Bradley on the shoulder and welcomed him home. Bradley woke up from his trance and saluted the old man. We watched the veteran shuffle away. Bradley dropped his bag on the pavement and opened his arms. My response was to hug myself. I rubbed my arms to ward off the cold. I guess losing my layer of fat made it impossible to keep warm. Whale blubber be gone! I walked towards the parking lot, leaving Bradley with arms wide open.
“Let’s get to the car. It’s cold.” I stated matter-of
-factly over my shoulder.
Several men stopped to let me pass and I took quiet satisfaction as they checked me out in front of Bradlame.
“Slow down, tiger.” Bradley trotted up next to me, doing his best to demonstrate our togetherness. I quickened my step in answer.
The drive home was reticent. I remembered the gift from Rachel and directed Bradley to open the CD and pop it in the player for me. He read Rachel’s handwritten Sharpie label, October of Your Demise. I told him it was a mixed CD from Rachel and he gave me a knowing smile.
I offered to get Bradley breakfast at a drive through, as Never Again by Kelly Clarkson blared. Bradley was distracted, well aware that the harsh lyrics were directed at him, so he pushed the button to play the next track, Hot and Cold by Katy Perry blasted. Click. Then, the infamous cheating song by Carrie Underwood. Click. Pink was the last straw for poor Bradley. He got the point and asked if Rachel made the disc for me or for him. I smiled slyly and noted that I needed to spank and thank that girl. I ended the torture for Bradley and clicked the stereo off.
After several minutes of heavy silence, I was acutely aware that Bradley’s gaze returned to me every ten seconds. I expected him to ask about my hair. I wondered what he thought about the whole situation, the whole me, the better me. I wanted him to know my transformation wasn’t for him, it was for me.
I drove home blissfully, thinking of Thomas.
When we got to the condo, I headed straight to my office, keeping the silent treatment going. I wanted to research the upcoming visits for coffee shop evaluations for my work week. On Sundays, I typically did my prelim visits, which were suggested but not required by the company. I didn’t care. I really needed a reason to keep away from Bradley. I grabbed my keys, sunglasses and purse off my desk. I petted my Hello Kitty and jumped at the sound of my name.
Secret Shopper Page 10