by Sophia Reed
I didn’t feel well this morning, but it wasn’t morning sickness. I dreaded what I was about to do.
To make matters worse, as I was getting dressed, I received a text from Luca.
Haven’t heard from you since you’ve been gone. Everyone’s been asking about Queen Molly. Hope you’re move is going smoothly, and you’re doing okay.
No. No, I couldn’t say I was doing okay. In fact, I felt about as far from okay as it was possible to be.
Tara was already in the kitchen preparing some food, but I couldn’t eat it. All I wanted to do was roll up in a ball and hide. I tried to tear my thoughts away from my imminent appointment, but I couldn’t. I kept imagining what that group of cells inside of me would look like if I let it evolve into what it was intended to be.
A baby.
Mine and Luca’s.
Would it have my straighter hair, or would it be curly like his? Would its eyes be dark and Varasso-like or a lighter brown like mine? Would it have his long nose and my bow-shaped lips? Would it have my sarcastic nature or his much more serious one? Would it have Luca’s rare but heart-stopping smile?
Would it be a boy or a girl?
This was torture!
My sister came up to me and massaged my back. “Are you hanging in there?”
Not able to speak, I shook my head. Even though I knew ending this pregnancy would be the right thing to do, the responsible thing, the logical thing considering all the factors involved, it felt… deplorable.
I felt deplorable.
Still, I needed to do it. I’d never tell Luca. It’d probably just upset him to know.
If he loved me, everything would be different, but he didn’t. And I couldn’t expect him to try to change the way he felt. Love wasn’t something you could force into being.
I should know.
I got a shower, put on some of the loosest-fitting clothes that I’d left behind, and rode with Tara to the clinic. For some reason, the ride seemed too short, too fast. And the closer we got to our destination, the more my stomach ached. It was like my body was cramping in advance. Or maybe it was just punishing me.
I managed to fill out the paperwork about halfway before everything went blurry. I blinked but it didn’t help much. I kept blinking and trying to finish the paperwork, but it was hard to make out the forms.
Eventually, Tara put out a hand, keeping me from writing one more word. “All right, enough is enough. If you really wanted to do this, you wouldn’t be crying.”
“I’m not crying,” I told her, just as a big fat teardrop fell right on the line I’d been in the middle of completing. It smeared the ink into an illegible blob.
“Then what do you call this?” she asked, rubbing her palm under my eye and showing me the wetness.
“Okay, maybe I’m crying.”
“Did you change your mind?”
“I think… I think I’m grieving…” I told her as my voice broke, comprehension dawning. Maybe that’s why I felt so bad.
“Well, that settles it, then.”
“It’s been already settled. I have to do this,” I said, my throat so tight I could barely say the words. Stand tall. Stand strong… But my mantra was no longer working. I felt neither tall nor strong. And what would I be standing for, exactly?
“Actually, you don’t,” Tara said, kneeling in front of me and putting her face level to mine. “You don’t have to do anything right now. But I want you to be honest. How would going back there pregnant and coming out not pregnant make you feel?”
I tried to answer her, I really did. But instead, tears gushed down my face, transforming me into a weepy mess. Tara embraced me. “See, Moll? You don’t want to do this. And you don’t have to. You can keep it.”
I could keep it.
Just the thought made me feel better. A lot better. I smiled at my sister through my tears and stood.
Taking a deep breath, I glanced down at the clipboard with its paperwork and strode back to the counter. “I’m sorry but I can’t go through with this.”
The medical assistant gave me a kind look and handed me a box of tissues. “Don’t worry, honey. It happens all the time.”
I took a tissue and dried my eyes. “It does?”
“Sure. This is one of those decisions in life that’s the hardest to make. Sometimes, you have to go most of the way through with it before you understand that it’s not the right one for you. But now you know, right?”
“Yeah,” I told her, feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. “Now, I know.”
***
It was a funny thing, but now that I’d decided to keep the baby, the idea of parenthood didn’t frighten me so much anymore. I thought of how Greta, Luca and I had laughed with Anna a couple of weeks ago. I thought of the way Luca played with his daughter, and how she stared at him with those big baby blues, nothing but love and adoration in her eyes.
I knew this would be the greatest challenge of my life, raising this baby alone like I was, but I could do it. Tara could help me on occasion. Hell, maybe I’d move both her and Ben into my new place to start our own little household.
The thought made me smile.
And Luca might consent to help, too. It was his baby, after all. Maybe we could do that co-parenting thing where we shared custody. I lived within walking distance of the mansion, so I couldn’t imagine it being that big a deal to do.
Anna would have a little brother or sister to play with once the baby got old enough. She’d probably love that. Though our childhoods had been far from ideal, some of my best and happiest memories from that time were linked to Tara.
On the way home from the clinic, we stopped by the grocery store and loaded up on any item that looked good to me. Which meant we brought home everything from cheese and crackers to beef liver—don’t judge me, it sounded good—and ice cream.
Lots and lots of ice cream.
While gorging on some very unique combinations from our grocery run, my baby sister and I vegged out in front of the television, both of us sharing the same natty blanket. Cuddled up together and delightedly full, we laid our heads on a squishy beanbag pillow and fell asleep.
***
It amazed me how much different I felt after changing my decision. Where I’d felt achy and like everything hurt the day before, now I felt like I could do cartwheels down the street. The energy around me was so much more positive. It made me confident that I’d made the right choice.
Since I would be returning to my duties with the Varassos tomorrow, Tara and I decided to make it a girl’s day with fun activities only.
Having money was still a relatively unique experience for me, and I adored being able to use it so that my sister and I could enjoy ourselves. We went for mani-pedis—something neither of us had ever indulged in before—and then took in a chick flick comedy during an afternoon matinee.
We went shopping at a baby boutique. I picked out a beautiful cherry wood crib, as well as a matching rocking chair with a deeply cushioned seat. I was still trying to figure out what theme I wanted to go with when my sister came up to me with a sheet set covered in tiny little stars and rainbows.
It was adorable.
I made arrangements to have all the items delivered to my house later the following evening, envisioning how everything would look once inside my home. I couldn’t wait to turn my third bedroom into a fully decorated nursery for my impending bundle of joy.
I thought again of Luca. Now that I was going to have this baby, I needed to inform him that he was going to be a father again. For the first time since I’d changed my mind, a tendril of anxiety slithered into my belly.
Would he be angry about this? I’d been the one to seduce him on the fly and get us so caught up in the moment that we forgot to use birth control. Yes, he should’ve been more responsible, too, but still. He already had a young child and so much to be accountable for. Would he resent this? Resent the baby? Resent me?
But if he did, that just meant I�
��d have to handle this on my own. Before I’d come to be with the Varassos, making this work financially would probably have been impossible, but now I could take care of mine and the baby’s needs with no problem. I was in a better place than I’d ever been in that regard.
It would’ve been better if Luca loved me, if we could’ve created a family together, but oh well.
Sometimes things weren’t meant to be.
Tara and I had grabbed a quick breakfast and lunch earlier, but I was hungry again. This whole eating for two thing was definitely for real. We popped into a place called the We Got the Goods Café. The wind had picked up, and chilled, I rubbed my arms and shivered.
A man dressed in a city uniform stood by an open manhole, the cover off to the side as he stared down into its depths. I felt sorry for him. It was too cold to have to work for hours outside.
The restaurant had this cute area in the front for outdoor seating, currently covered in a fresh dusting of snow, a forest green façade, and wide picture windows lining both sides of its double French doors. It was one of those places I’d seen a million times but had never been able to afford. It felt so nice to be able to treat my sister.
The café specialized in coffees, teas, and sandwiches made to order, so I purchased a sampler tray so we could try several of their creations before making a choice. We took our time, talking about everything under the sun.
“So, I’m thinking Ben might be getting serious,” Tara said, leaning toward me as if giving away state secrets.
“You’ve been together for a year, so I would hope he’s serious.”
“No, I mean serious serious. He’s been asking me about jewelry a lot, especially diamond jewelry.”
That grabbed my attention. Any jewelry either of us had ever worn had been of the same variety: cheap and costume. “Like a diamond ring, you mean?”
“I think so,” she gave me a sheepish grin.
“That’s so wonderful!”
“Yeah,” my sister’s expression became dreamy. “Once he gets back from his deployment, we’ll see what happens.” She sat there like that as I kept eating. Damn, this kid was going to make me gain a million pounds. Then, her dreaminess dissipated. “Moll, you’re not going to go months without visiting again, are you?”
I put my sandwich back down, feeling guilty. All our lives she’d depended on me, and I’d let her down. I couldn’t do it again. Somehow, I’d have to keep in better touch with her, no matter what the Varassos had me doing.
“No. The job was kind of challenging in the beginning…” Understatement of the year. “But I’ve got everything down now. I’ll be able to make more time.”
“It’s just… I’ve missed you, you know?”
I took her hand in mine. “I missed you, too.” Then, I brought it to my still flat abdomen. “Besides, you’re about to have a niece or nephew. I’ll need Aunt Tara to help me out.”
She threw me a brilliant smile. “Aunt Tara. I like the sound of that.”
After we finished, I waited as our server went off to find our bill. I packaged up a couple of bags of leftovers and glanced out the window. The sun was setting outside, casting a bright pink glow to some low-lying clouds along the horizon. Even though I knew it’d be freezing cold out there, the night was still beautiful.
The crowds were less thick than usual, but a few people continued to brave the low temperatures. Several minutes had passed, and the server hadn’t returned. The sunset was over now, making things outside seem so much darker. This part of Philadelphia wasn’t known for being dangerous, but I decided to call a taxi rather than attempting to hail one.
It didn’t look that scary out there, but I felt the need to be more cautious, especially now that I had more than just my life to consider.
Once I pulled out my cell, I saw that I’d missed a couple of calls from Luca. One had come in a few hours ago and one a minute before. I wondered why I hadn’t heard the cell go off, then remembered, I’d turned it off during the matinee earlier. There were two voicemails. I clicked on the oldest to listen to it first.
“Molly, just wanted to check in with you and make sure you’re still doing okay,” his deep musical voice buzzed in my ear. Even though it’d only been two weeks since I’d heard it, I missed it. I missed him. There was a significant pause as if he’d considered adding something else, then, “Call me back when you get this.”
But instead of calling him back, I clicked on the next message. As I did, I registered that it was shorter than the first. “Molly,” he yelled, sounding panicked. It was so loud I nearly dropped the phone. “Go hide in the restroom of that café and lock the door. Crouch in a corner and wait for me to come get you.”
“What’s wrong?” Tara asked from beside me.
“That was my boss.” I didn’t know what exactly was going on, but I could tell by Luca’s tone that he meant business. “He told me to go hide in the café’s restroom.” Quickly, I took in our surroundings with a more critical eye, and though I didn’t see anything, I stood. “I think we should do what he said.”
“What?” my sister asked me, incredulous. “That doesn’t make sense. And how does he even know where you—”
But at the sound of crackling glass, she quit speaking. While I felt something hot piercing several places on my body, I looked up to see Tara clutch her neck. Blood began to spurt forth from behind her hands, and in the next second, she dropped.
Time crashed to a stop, then seemed to blast by in incoherent dollops. Something ungodly had happened, but I couldn’t make my mind comprehend it. All I knew was my sister needed me. I tried to reach out to her, tried to help her, but I was falling, too.
My head crashed into the corner of the table, causing my world to go black, then white, then black again. I landed beside Tara, not even able to absorb when I’d left my seat, not able to move, not able to see.
Pain ricocheted through me, every kind of pain I could imagine, but though I screamed, I couldn’t hear it. It was as if I’d gone deaf as well as blind. And then my vision came back but only partially. I couldn’t control where I was looking or what I saw. The room seemed to revolve around me, the spinning too much to take in. I slipped into and out of reality.
There was a brief moment of darkness, then an image of Tara laying next to me.
More darkness.
Then I saw a puddle of scarlet seeping from around my sister’s throat.
The longest darkness yet.
Then, Tara’s eyes, open yet sightless.
And when the darkness descended again, I doubted there would be any waking from it.
31
Luca
“Hello? Earth to Luca?” Alessandro waved a hand in front of me, a sardonic expression on his face.
“Huh?”
“Bro, you’ve been distracted and off your game all day,” Gabriel added, studying me like I was a microscopic bug on a slide.
I dragged my thoughts back to the present, attempting to remember what they’d been talking about. I looked over at Marco who stood leaning on the opposite wall of the headquarters. He was watching me, too, though he was doing a better job than my other brothers at feigning indifference.
I’d been feeling fidgety and restless ever since Molly had left, but today I’d felt it to a much stronger degree. I couldn’t say why. Maybe it was simply that this was the first time she’d taken such an extended absence.
Also, the fact that she wouldn’t call me back didn’t exactly calm my nerves.
I’d exercised a huge amount of patience since she’d been gone, only texting and calling her once. But she hadn’t responded to either one, which had led me to check her physical location on my phone app. When I’d pinpointed her coordinates earlier this afternoon, she’d been inside a movie theater over on the west side of the city.
So her lack of communication could be chalked up to her having her phone on silent. It was a reasonable explanation, but I didn’t derive much comfort from it.
Hours had pas
sed since then, and she still hadn’t returned my call. I’d checked the app again just now, seeing that she was now in a café a few blocks from the theater. Probably having dinner or something. But it was getting close to nightfall. I’d expected her to be back to her cottage by now.
But she wasn’t.
Not that I’d told her as much. And not that she’d necessarily listen to me if I did. One thing I’d learned about Molly Greene was that she had her own mind and would do what she wanted in any given situation. My desires rarely played into her behavior.
Not that they should. She wasn’t mine. She didn’t belong to me. And she never would.
I’d texted the security detail a couple of minutes ago, asking for some photos to be sent. I received one of the café itself, and two of Molly sitting inside with another woman. Probably her sister. I released the breath I’d been holding.
“Shit, he’s gone again,” Sandro said, releasing a gusty breath of vexation, and I looked up, realizing I’d missed more of our meeting. We’d been discussing the possibility of opening a new drug corridor up north in Canada.
The border was physically closer, and with the U.S. dollar being stronger than the Canadian one, this meant our profits on a commodity like heroin could be statistically greater. But the Mounties had a reputation for being much more resistant to bribery than American law enforcement. It was a calculated risk we weren’t certain we should take.
“Luca,” Marco spoke up for the first time, dropping his pretend apathy. “Just contact her already.”
I sighed. “I have. She’s not returning either my texts or my calls.”
“Send a car for her and tell her to get her ass back to the mansion,” Marco said, as if this was be a feasible solution.
“Dude, you’re never going to find a woman with that attitude,” said Gabriel, shaking his head.
“I find plenty of women.”