by Mj Fields
She fell asleep crying and saying ���I���m sorry.���
Lucas walked out and looked at Tommy and Alex. ���The baby isn���t alive; it probably has been gone for a while. They have to operate, she���s asleep now,��� he walked past them and into the bathroom.
Tommy and Alex looked at each other and waited for Lucas. Lucas came out and walked past them and back into the room and watched Sadi sleep.
The OR team walked in to take Sadi up. He rode the elevator up with her and sat with her mother in the waiting room. Lucas���s Mom joined them and held his hand.
His phone chimed
- Lucas, I���ll be there in an hour. I love you��� Dad.
- there is nothing you can do Dad, don���t worry about it… Lucas
- I can be there for you��� Dad
Alex walked outside and called Tessa. She cried when he told her the news. He told her he would call her soon and hung up.
Tommy was texting Jade when he walked back in. He looked up at Alex, ���I can���t imagine what a mess he is going to be, Alex.���
���We can get him through this.���
The surgery was over; they wheeled Sadi into a room. Lucas sat holding her hand until she woke up. She looked at him and cried; he hugged her and told her everything was going to be alright.
���I deserved this, this is my fault, and you can leave now,��� Sadi cried.
Landon walked into the room, and Lucas stood up and hugged him. Lucas cried.
���I���m sorry, Sadi,��� Landon said looking over Lucas���s shoulder.
���No, Landon. I am.���
The nurse walked in and gave her more medication, and she fell asleep.
Lucas called her counselor���s office and left a message. He didn���t leave the hospital. He waited until she was discharged and asked her mother if he could drive her home.
He helped her in the SUV, and they drove quietly.
���Sadi, are you going to be alright?���
���No, I���m not!��� she cried.
Lucas held her hand, ���Yes, you are.���
���How can you say that to me, after all, that I have done to you? After I just lost our baby?��� she said through tears, ���I���m a horrible person Lucas, I deserved this.���
���I forgive you, now it���s time you forgive yourself,��� he said. ���You���re going to be fine.���
���Well, thank you, I guess,��� she said sarcastically.
They pulled into her driveway, and he turned off the vehicle and looked at her.
���Sadi we have been horrible for each other,��� he laughed and looked at her. ���We have our whole lives ahead of us. This sucks, it���s certainly not what I planned for over the past few months. But we should consider it a do- over. Make something good out of a horrible situation.���
She cried, ���I don���t think I can.���
���Okay, so if there is a heaven, our child is in it and watching us now. What would you want him to see?���
Her eyes changed ��� no longer sad, but angry, ���That���s Tessa talking!���
���Well, if that���s all I got from her I���m happy, ���cause that���s what I���m going to focus on and I hope you can as well,��� he rubbed her hand.
Sadi said, ���I���ll try.���
���By the way, you have an appointment this afternoon with your therapist.���
She rolled her eyes as she got out of the SUV, ���Fine.���
���If you need anything before then call me. I���ll take you today. See you at four.���
Sadi walked in towards the house, and her mother held the door open for her as she walked in.
* * *
Lucas went home and walked in the house. He opened the fridge and saw several casseroles.
���Alex dropped all that off. Looks like Tessa���s been cooking again,��� Kate smiled softly.
���I���m not hungry. I���m going to shower and get some sleep. Could you make sure I���m up by three? I���m taking Sadi to an appointment.���
���Lucas I know better than anyone how you feel the need to take care of people. I love that about you. But don���t get lost in this awful situation, forgive Lucas but never forget,��� she hugged him.
Lucas went to his room, on his dresser there was a vase with yellow roses mixed with white daisies.
He picked up the note card and opened it.
Lucas,
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you.
If you need a friend, I am here.
YFA,
Tessa
Lucas shook his head and walked into the bathroom. He grabbed his bowl from under the sink and hit it once. I don���t need this shit he thought and put it back, not now anyway.
Lucas showered and brushed his teeth and toweled off his hair. He put on a pair of shorts and laid down and fell asleep.
* * *
Tessa had not heard from Lucas but knew what was going on. Alex was checking in on him. Ben had texted her on Saturday, and he would be there late Friday night. He and his dad were bringing up the snowmobiles. Tessa was an emotional wreck but knew that he and his very hot busy self would distract her. Take her mind off the place it was wandering, a place she knew she should not return to, regardless of what she knew she wanted down deep. Again she felt like she helped Lucas get through a horrible time. She told herself over and over that they would have been great friends.
School and the play kept her occupied. Lucas hadn���t been to school, and Tommy told Jade about the two B���s. Jade and Tessa talked about it, but Jade promised Tommy she wouldn���t tell Tessa the truth about what had happened and that Lucas had done it to push her away.
Lucas came to school on Wednesday and Tessa ate in the auditorium with her cast friends. The play was in three weeks, right before spring break, and they needed to practice anyway.
Lucas passed her in the hall and looked at her and then looked down. He looked hollow, and her heart broke for him.
Thursday Sadi came back, and she looked as bad as he did. Tessa frequently saw them talking in the hall. There was no anger or jealousy; she knew what loss felt and looked like. Not many people at school knew that Sadi had been pregnant. There once close- knit group of friends would never have broken that trust.
Tessa was in the locker room, when Sadi walked in. Tessa stood to leave.
���Farm girl!��� Tessa looked at her. ���You know he cares about me, right?���
Tessa shook her head and continued to walk towards the door.
���I���m talking to you!���
Tessa kept walking out of the locker room and Lucas was standing there, he looked at her, and she shook her head and smiled.
���Everything okay?��� he asked quietly.
���Its fine,��� Tessa walked by him.
She felt sick. She couldn���t say anything to Sadi because it would be wrong. She couldn���t tell him to walk away knowing he was going to get dragged into crazy Sadi nonsense again because she knew he wouldn���t be able to do that. She felt sorry for him.
The next day Tessa went to the bathroom and Sadi was in there crying, she handed her a tissue and walked out and went to the locker room. When she came out of the stall, Sadi was standing there.
���Here���s your fucking tissue, I don���t want it, farm girl!���
Tessa tried to walk around her, and she stood in her way.
���Sadi would you please move?���
���No, I wil
l not move,��� she screamed at her.
Tessa finally was able to get past her.
���Don���t push me, farm girl,��� she screamed and ran out of the locker room and into Lucas���s arms. ���She told me I should move and pushed me.���
Tessa walked out, and Lucas gave her a dirty look. ���I wouldn���t have expected that from you!���
Tessa rolled her eyes and walked past him.
���And you think she is SO perfect,��� Sadi cried.
Her phone chimed, and it was him
- What the fuck are you doing? Don���t you know what she has been through?... L
Tessa was getting the same signature as Sadi did.
- Lucas believe what you have to, I hope you���re okay��� YFA Tessa
- My friend would not have done that, best of luck Tessa��� L
She went to the nurse and told her she had a headache and asked to lie down. She quietly shed a few tears and fell asleep.
Tessa went to Alex���s game Friday night; she hadn���t been to one in a while. She sat with Cassidy on one side and Phoebe on the other, Jade sat next to Phoebe. The game was good, pretty physical. Lucas was sitting because he had gotten a few too many fouls. Tessa tried not to look at him, but she could feel his eyes piercing through her. She looked up, and he gave her a dirty look. She looked away. When the game was over, she waited with the girls for Alex and Tommy.
Lucas walked by and grabbed her arm and walked to the other end of the hall.
���I don���t know if you���re fucking high at school or just being a bitch, but that best not happen again!���
Her heart was beating heavy against her chest, it hurt that he believed the shit Sadi was pulling. She finally pulled her arm away and rubbed it, he had held it pretty tight, ���Lucas I know you���re upset but������
���But nothing Tessa cut the shit!���
���If you grab me like that again,��� she said looking at the red marks still on her arm, ���I���ll….���
���Will what Tessa? Spit in my face, slap me, or punch me? We���ve been through all of that and you know what? I should have seen it then; you���re no fucking better than the rest of them so how about you step down from that high horse of yours and grow up! The only difference was you thought you were better, Miss fucking Perfect. I never got why you didn���t have boys knocking down your door, now I do!���
Her eyes widened as she looked at the floor.
���What Tessa, nothing to say?���
���Lucas whatever gets you through this, I never said I was perfect. But she is delusional, and you are so mean,��� Tessa walked away fighting back tears.
He walked past the group that stood there watching them and left.
���Cassidy, can we go?���
���Tessa what just happened?��� Alex asked.
She threw him a half smile, ���Nothing but one of you guys might want to tell him to get some help.���
She and Cassidy got in the car and left. Tessa opened Cassidy���s glove box and took out her cute little friend and took a long drag, ���Hot tub?���
���Hell yes,��� Cassidy laughed
* * *
They changed and ran out and jumped in. They sang some songs from the play and laughed. A truck pulled in, she had hoped Alex had gone to hang out with Lucas but apparently not. A few minutes later someone had their hands covering her eyes. Cassidy laughed.
���Guess who?���
���I know who I want it to be,��� Tessa laughed.
���And who is that?���
���Ben, get your fine butt in here,��� she laughed.
He jumped in and sat next to her and grabbed her hand.
���I thought you would be here in the morning.���
���Sorry, I couldn���t wait, our game was canceled, something about the power being out at the home teams school,��� he grinned at her. ���Tessa can I kiss you?���
���You better.���
Cassidy cleared her throat, and they stopped kissing and laughed.
Ben was a ball of energy all the time; he was happy and just so much fun to be around. After the week she had, she was glad he had come. Actually excited that he was there.
More headlights pulled in, as they sat and stared at each other. A few minutes past and, Alex, Phoebe, Jade, Tommy, and Lucas came out.
���I think you better sit on my lap,��� he pulled her closer, ���Might not be enough room if you don���t.���
���It���s a ten person tub I think we can all fit,��� she slid off his lap, ���Besides I want to be able to look at you.���
���You could always sit the other way,��� Ben winked.
Ben stood up, ���Hey Alex��� he shook his hand, ���Hello Phoebe, Jade, Tommy, and Lucas.���
���When did you get in? I thought you���d be here tomorrow morning?��� Alex asked as he sat down.
���Our game got canceled, how���d you guys do?���
���We won by four, would have been more if there weren���t so many foul shots. I think Lucas thought it was football,��� Alex said, and they all laughed.
���It���s all about control man,��� Ben laughed, ���That���s why I love the game. You get that ball in your hands, and you make lots of fancy well- practiced moves and then it���s hard and fast down the court and swish it���s in,��� he winked at Tessa.
���You talking about Basketball or fucking, Ben?��� Lucas glared at him.
���Well, Lucas I was talking about basketball, but now that you mention it������ Ben laughed.
Tessa looked at Lucas and knew he was messed up, probably high.
She glared at him. He rolled his eyes slightly and turned away.
Tessa stood up and leaned over, turning up the radio, she turned to sit, and Ben grinned at her, ���Nice,��� she smiled and sat down; he put his arm around her.
She leaned into him and closed her eyes.
���I���m going to make some snacks.���
���You got the munchies Tessa?��� Lucas snapped.
���Do you?��� Tessa laughed.
Tessa went inside, and Ben came in to help her.
���You want me to kick his ass?��� he grabbed her around the waist and kissed her neck.
���No, he���s just going through some stuff,��� Tessa as they all walked through the door.
���Tessa you want to tell him the stuff I���m going through?��� Lucas snapped. ���How about we tell Ben here what you���re actually like?���
���First of all Lucas I didn���t tell him and second whatever you need to say to him go ahead,��� she laughed.
���I don���t need to know shit, Tess. He���s just sorry he fucked up, you made the right choice,��� Ben kissed her head.
���She did make the right choice, then he died less than two weeks ago, you���re fucking third bitch!���
���How about you and I go outside Daddy and see who walks back in here FIRST!��� Ben walked towards him.
Lucas lunged at him and grabbed his throat. Ben punched Lucas in the face, and Tommy and Alex grabbed them and tore them apart.
Tessa started crying, ���Phoebe ��� get Lucas���s keys he���s high.���
She ran upstairs and changed into sweats and a hoodie. The timer on the oven was going off and she ran downstairs, and they were all sitting at the table glaring at each other. She took the pizzas out and set them on the coun
ter.
���Anything to say yet, Tessa?��� Lucas snapped.
���Lucas that���s enough��� Phoebe gave him a dirty look.
���Ben, my very dear friend the man who I truly thought I would be with someday��� forever���died. Ben, Toby died.��� Tessa felt tears well in her eyes. She shook her head trying to clear her mind, ���I���ve been pretty messed up since. But I���m happy when I���m with you if that���s too much I get it,��� Tessa knelt in front of him looking into his eyes as she talked. She cleared her throat, ���Lucas is normally not such a fucking asshole,��� she paused ���But a week ago his girlfriend or ex or whatever lost their baby. He���s a mess, please excuse him.���
Ben lifted her up and hugged her.
He looked at Lucas, ���Sorry man, I didn���t know.���
���Well, Tessa do go on, full disclosure for Ben. Tell him the shit you pulled on Sadi in the locker room,��� Lucas sneered.
Tessa shook her head. ���Sure,��� she looked at Ben and told him what had happened the day before, the part about the tissue and what Lucas had heard in the locker room and after the game.
���And if Lucas wasn���t hurting, he may be able to remember who I am and who she is. However, if that���s what he needs to think I���m good with that. I know what a friend is, I know who I am,��� she turned and looked at Lucas, ���High horse Lucas, fuck you,��� she said and started to cry.
���If you ever touch her again, I���ll break your fucking arm quarterback,��� Ben stood up, and he and Tessa walked in the other room and sat on the couch.
���You���ll get through all that stuff, Tessa Ross. I will help you,��� he wiped her tears.
Lucas sat in the kitchen and looked at the floor. ���I���m going to leave. I���m sorry Alex.���
���Phoebe said your high, you���re staying,��� Alex walked away.
Lucas knew better than to fight with Alex. He sat back, and Jade handed him a piece of pizza.