by Mj Fields
���The dolls for you Lucas?��� Tessa asked, and he looked confused, ���That store up there might sell blow up dolls.���
They both laughed.
He looked at Victoria Secret and asked, ���Need anything for your trip?���
���No, I don���t wear underwear anymore.���
���Never?��� his jaw dropped.
She laughed and kept walking.
* * *
They came home, and he went upstairs and asked for his Meds. She brought them up.
���Hey, Tessa can we talk?���
���Sure.���
���Well, first thank you for everything.���
���You���re welcome,��� she smiled softly.
���I also want you to know I���m sorry for all of it,��� he said and looked down.
���We are past that, I forgive you and hope you have done the same for me,��� she said and smiled.
���Okay, I am not sure for what, but okay,��� he said. ���I can tell by you being here you still love me, and I have never stopped. But I hope you can figure out whatever it is you need to when you���re gone to wherever it is your going. I also need you to know when I get through this I���m going to therapy. I know that you���re exactly perfect for me but don���t expect you to accept that overnight. I want you to do whatever it is you need to do to find yourself again. But please don���t change. I���m going to get better for me first then for us.���
���For you Lucas, and I will figure it out for me.���
���What about us?��� he asked
���Lucas we need to figure ourselves out. I don���t know ��� I can���t plan on that, and either can you. You���re going to be off for a long time, and your idol little mind is going to be running wild,��� she laughed.
���Actually I am going back to work for Dad in three weeks, bossing people around will be great fun after being screamed at by all those coaches for years,��� he smiled. ���When I worked for him life was good.���
She smiled, ���Good Lucas, you���ll be using your degree.���
���The one you made me finish,��� he hugged her.
They talked about where he would be working and the things she had planned. He asked about her place in Syracuse and her piano lessons. She told him everything about the past few weeks.
���Forgive me for not asking about yours. I just don���t want all the gory details. But you can tell me everything else.���
He told her that it was fun for a couple weeks, but he wasn���t happy. He liked working for his dad much better, and he was not planning to go back. All his dreams had already come true as far as the game went, but when he gave himself time to think it wasn���t the game he missed, it was his family, friends, and home, ���It hurt like hell getting my ass kicked every day. I really admire the guys though, just not for me. High school and College football was awesome. NFL ��� fucking brutal.���
Tessa loved hearing him talk about his passions. He was holding her hand and eventually she was leaning against him. She fell asleep mid- sentence and he watched her. When he knew she was asleep, he kissed her. She woke up to his kiss.
���Lucas, please don���t, things are just getting better,��� she whispered.
���I���ve missed you Baby. Sorry,��� Lucas pulled her back against his chest. ���Go to sleep I won���t do it again.���
Audrianna and the kids came, and she made dinner for them. The girls loved all the stuff Lucas had bought, and he looked happy.
���How are you, Tessa?��� Audri asked as they did dishes.
���I am alright. I think he is too, he���s excited to work for Landon again.���
���I think Landon is too,��� she smiled. ���So what happens with the two of you now?���
���I can be his friend. I need a break or I���m going to lose myself even more than I feel I already have. He knows and seems alright with it. I���ll never stop caring about him or being his friend. And if it is really supposed to be him and I then someday it will be. He doesn���t know I feel that way and I prefer he not. I seriously doubt it,��� Tessa smiled sadly, ���I forgave him, it���s the forgetting part that will always come in our way. Both for me and for him.���
���Tessa you take care of you, I have got this,��� she said. ���And I want you to know how eternally grateful we are for you and if you need anything ever all you need to do is ask.���
���Well, I need him to be okay and happy and that���s it,��� Tessa said quietly.
Tessa read to the girls with Lucas, and they fell asleep. Audri hugged her and tears rolled down her cheek.
���Don���t do that��� please,��� Tessa whispered.
���Sorry Tessa,��� Audrianna wiped her tears away.
Lucas walked out with her and hugged her.
���Thank you��� For everything,��� Lucas kissed her lightly on the cheek and she left.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Tessa moved out of her apartment that weekend and put the few things she bought in storage. Before leaving the city, she decided to visit Toby���s grave. She sat on the ground and leaned against his stone. She missed her friend. A man she knew would have kept her safe even if they had not ended up together he would have helped her through this awful time. She imagined how their life might have turned out and smiled and laughed at herself. Seriously, Tessa Ross get it together and stop thinking impossible thoughts. He is dead, Lucas was not for you and you need to move forward.
Aunt Ann, Tessa thought ���If we sit and wallow, the hell will consume us���walk through it without looking back���We can’t change the past, but your future is beautiful you just have to let yourself see it.���
���Thank you, Aunt Ann,��� Tessa whispered to heaven…
Tessa knew exactly where she would be going. A place Lucas and she never had the time to visit. A place she had loved when she was younger, happier, and more innocent.
Tessa went home and got her bags packed. She would leave in a week. She had to work as much overtime as she could squeeze in. She would see her friend, but Jade had just started a job a few months ago, using her counseling degree at a nearby youth residential center. Cassidy was in Virginia visiting family. Kendal was at one of her end of the summer world tours trying to fill her passport before she ended up married and Phoebe wasn���t going out, she was too busy with Alex. She couldn���t blame her he was the perfect man.
She spent time with Jake when she could. Out of all her siblings, she worried about him the most. He was a wild child just like she was and in love. He had graduated and moved in with his girlfriend… Tessa hoped he would be okay and secretly blamed herself for setting a bad example.
***.
���Hey, what���s up?��� Lucas asked when he answered the door.
���I just wanted to stop and see how you were doing, check on your Meds and see how you were healing,��� Tessa smiled.
He was agitated and looked at her trying to figure something out.
���Are you okay? Are you feeling alright?��� She asked and felt his head.
���Yeah, I���m fine,��� he shook his head and looked upset.
���Lucas, no you���re not what���s going on, are you okay?���
���Tessa I have company,��� he said, ���Damn it, I���m sorry.���
���No that’s okay, I should have called first,��� she said and quickly turned away, ���I���m glad you���re feeling better, see you later.�
���
���When?��� he yelled his voice desperate.
���I don���t know, but I will call first,��� she opened the Jeep door.
He ran out and grabbed her.
���I���m sorry,��� he said and hugged her, ���Give me a few minutes I will get rid of her.���
���No, Lucas it���s okay. It���s not who you are, but it���s who you want to be,��� she smiled. ���We���re friends, I���m perfectly fine with that.���
���When do you leave?���
���In a few days.���
���I want to come with you.���
���No Lucas you don���t and I don���t want you too.���
He hugged and kissed her, ���I���m going to miss you.���
���You will be fine, you always are,��� she shut the door, and he watched her pull out.
Lucas walked into the house and slammed the door.
���Fuck!��� he yelled.
He walked into the bathroom and sat on the floor and quietly cried. There was a knock on the door.
���You okay in there?��� a female voice said.
���Yes I���ll be up in a minute, get your ass ready I���m in rare form.���
���Sound like fun,��� she said.
* * *
Tessa drove down the road and swallowed hard. Ouch, she thought and laughed. What did she expect him to try harder and make things better and go to therapy and stop being a whore? Yeah, that about covered it, but she knew better. Five years and he had broken her, loved her, and shattered her over and over again. The horrible thing was that she believed him every time and with each blow he threw she always bounced right back into his arms. Not this time. They had graduated from school, his dreams had all come true and she sat broken��� again. She certainly didn���t need that anymore. But she couldn���t sit and wait for him to come and sweep her off her feet. She had to get the hell away from him. Walk through it, she thought and smiled to herself.
Her phone chimed, and it was him and he was using the signature again
- Tessa Ross, I want to see you��� LL
- Hey, Lucas are you physically ok?... Tessa
- Yes, I need to see you��� LL
- Sorry, I���m really busy��� Tessa
Her phone rang.
���Hi Lucas,��� she said.
���Hey, can we talk Tessa?���
���Sure go ahead.���
���I���m sorry,��� she laughed, ���Yeah I know, you���ve heard that before huh?���
���I think I have. Hey, but at least it���s amusing to me now,��� Tessa giggled
���I wish I felt the same way,��� he said softly.
���Ok Lucas, I can���t do this anymore��� she laughed, ���I can���t keep trying to make this better for you. You need to realize that this isn���t love you���re feeling for me. You need me to want you; you need me to remind you of who you know you can be. And guess what Lucas,��� her voice cracked, ���I can���t do that for you anymore, and it is incredibly selfish for you to expect me too.���
���Tessa you came here yesterday. I left you alone for a week, a whole week and you came here. So don���t kid yourself ok?���
���Wow, I guess I hadn���t thought about it like that. Okay, so I guess, I���m sorry?��� She was surprised. ���Okay, so I won���t again.���
���No, that���s not what I mean, I mean we both need each other. We always have, Tessa,��� he said sounding exasperated.
���Lucas this is done, I won���t do this to myself or you anymore. Clean break okay?��� Tessa said.
���For now?���
���I can���t Lucas and either can you.���
���No! I can!��� he said sternly.
���Lucas, someday we can be friends��� like maybe a year from now. I���ve been doing very well. I honestly did come yesterday to see if you were doing alright, but after you had said what you did, I realize now that..��� she started.
���Okay, stop there. I don���t want to hear anymore Tessa. I���m not giving up and you can���t either.���
���No, I am Lucas, I have. I am pretty sure I have proved that. I am pretty sure you should get it as well. We had amazing sex. But outside of that we, I don���t know, we thought we loved each other but…��� she started.
���Again Tessa, stop. We loved each other, I still love you.���
She laughed, ���Whatever gets you through. So when you are fucking whoever it is you are fucking, and you���re wrapped in their arms Lucas, do you still think you love me?���
���Of course Tessa, I���ll always love you!���
���Good to know, and so you know that was it for me,��� she giggled. ���I need to get going.���
���No, what is that supposed to mean. I answered your question truthfully. I don���t know what you need or want me to say������
���No, you did great. I love your honesty Lucas. Now accept mine, we are done, I will not ever, listen carefully, ever be with someone who can fuck someone and claim they love me. That���s not enough for me, it wasn���t then and it never will be,��� her voice was harsh, and tone clipped.
���Well, what changed? You forgave me with Sadi and Jenny, and now you change?���
���What the hell Lucas, you jackass, it was never ok. I was young and stupid, but I am pretty damned sure I never implied that it was okay!���
���Fine��� sorry,��� he said. ���Tessa I don���t know what you want from me.���
���Are you smoking a lot lately because you are not STUPID Lucas!��� she yelled.
He laughed, ���Whatever it takes to get through it right?���
���Sure Lucas, get through it pal,��� she snickered.
���Can I see you before you leave?���
���Nope.���
���Why?���
���I don���t want to see you.���
���Yes you do,��� he said softly.
���No, Lucas I don���t, I���m sick that I let myself, you know what never mind. Please take care of yourself Lucas. Goodbye,��� she said and hung up.
* * *
Tessa went for a run with Leia. She ran to the top of the stairs and sat back and leaned on the rocks. She closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh fall air. I am so ready to move on, she thought. He is not my responsibility; he took care of himself when he was much younger he certainly can do it now.
���Come on girl,��� she said to Leia.
They ran down the stairs and walked to the bridge. She walked and leaned over and smiled.
���What are you doing Tessa?��� she heard him from behind her.
She looked back and saw Lucas walking towards her, Leia growled, ���Sit.���
���Hi,��� he leaned over the edge of the bridge.
���Hi.���
���You look great.���
���You too Lucas,��� she went to walk past him, and he grabbed her arm and hugged her.
She laughed.
���What���s so funny?���
���Nothing,��� she laughed harder
���Why are you laughing?���
���Because that���s the first time you have touched me, and I didn���t feel like I wanted to jump you.���
He looked confused, ���And that���s funny?���
���No, it���s perfect.���
���Really?��� he kissed her neck.
She laughed harder, ���Seriously? It wasn���t a challenge.���
���Tessa I want you here, again,��� he said softly and pulled her lip with his teeth.
���Oh okay,��� she pulled away.
���You know you miss me Tessa,��� he purred.
���No, actually I miss me more,��� she stepped back.
���I won���t see anyone else, I������ he started.
���I promise I will never hurt you again, I���m sorry, I love you,��� she said mockingly.
���Really Tessa?��� he sounded hurt.
���Sorry, Lucas I���m going to get through this, and you bud are going to be just fine,��� Tessa started to walk away and he grabbed her.
���Tessa don���t������
���Don���t what Lucas?��� she looked at him.
���Don���t do this to us.���
���Hey Lucas, I didn���t. I have given you a hundred excuses pick one and go with it! I���m fine, you���re moving on, a lot actually,��� she laughed, ���so you���ll be fine. I would love for you to be really happy someday Lucas, I really would. But I am responsible for me. I hope you get that,��� Tessa smiled at him.
���I love you Tessa.���
���I know you think you do. I care very much for you Lucas if that���s not obvious remember the past five years that I lost myself wanting to make you happy. That should be proof enough,��� she looked down.
���I don���t know what to say Tessa,��� he said, ���I am not ready for you to move on.���
She laughed, ���Really, but it’s okay for you too?���
���It���s not okay, it���s who I am. It���s not who you are.���
���Lucas Links, you were way better at this in high school. I know you loved me then. But four years later I���m no different from the others, except I am telling you no. That���s probably what your problem is.���