Between Him and Us

by Nicole Richard

  I turned the shower on, stripped, and did my business while waiting for the water to heat up.

  Steam slowly billowed through the room, and my body hummed in anticipation of the relief the hot water would bring to my tired and aching body. I tiptoed into the shower and moaned as the hot water touched my skin. I hadn’t felt this heavenly in ages.

  I soaked up the warmth. Every part of my body found some kind of relief, from my back, to my neck, and even my heart. While the water massaged and washed away my pain, I hung my head and thought about all that I had read last night. All the things Tyler had to say and how he wanted me to move on. I had no idea how he expected me to honor his request or what else was in that letter. Honestly, I was unsure if I could finish reading the rest of his words.

  A cold shiver ran the length of my spine at the thought of what else might be in that letter. I turned the dial up a little more and enjoyed the hot water before shampooing my hair and washing my body. Such simple tasks, yet they made me feel slightly better.

  Once I was towel dried and dressed, ready for another day in hiding, I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea and grabbed my phone off the counter as I passed. Like most days, there was a text from my sister waiting for me. Leeza and her lecturing voice came to mind, warning me to stay away from the bottle or there would be hell to pay. I didn’t see what the big deal was. Jesus drank wine.

  Leeza: Left a bucket of sunflowers on the front porch. Mrs. Wilkes brought a whole bunch.

  Call me later.

  Me: Thanks for the flowers. I will.

  It was only seven twenty a.m., and I assumed Leeza stopped by on her way to the salon, which was a bit early seeing as she didn’t open until ten. I reached into the dish drain, grabbed Tyler’s favorite mug, and almost gagged at the stained coffee remnants. I was a tea kind of girl. Still, stains and all, I never used another mug.

  I filled the cup with hot water and gently bobbed the tea bag. Then I gave it a few minutes to steep and headed to the front porch.

  The second I stepped foot past the front door, rays of sunshine warmed me. For the first time in a long time, my heart felt its warmth, too. With the early morning air surrounding me, I wrapped my sweater a little tighter around my chest and stood there soaking it all in, letting the sun kiss my cheeks.

  Just as Leeza had said, a bucket full of beautiful, yellow sunflowers was tucked in the corner. The me from yesterday might have left them there, too mad at life to allow even the tiniest sliver of beauty into my personal space. The me that woke this morning walked over, scooped up a handful of the annuals, and brought them inside, hoping that maybe the flowers would be the start of giving some life to my dreary space.

  The other half I would take to Tyler’s grave, which I hadn’t been to since the day his father dropped off the box. I wasn’t proud of avoiding the area, but I just didn’t know how to put a handle on my emotions. I couldn’t bring myself to visit Ty.

  On my way to the cemetery, I drove by the park where Tyler and I used to hang out. The sight of the swing set he would push me on had me stopping and pulling into the deserted park. Everything looked as I remembered, albeit a bit weathered.

  On the left was the jungle gym and see-saw, and on the right was the old, worn-out swing set. The sand pit off to the side could have also used a fresh load of sand.

  I stepped out of my car and went straight for the swing set.

  The strip of black plastic seemed lower to the ground than I remembered, but I still gripped the chains and closed my eyes. My throat became thick with emotion, and I pushed back the burning tears. All of these little reminders made it seemingly impossible to move on. If the tables were turned, if Tyler could have fulfilled his own request, would he have? Would he have moved on?

  Lazily pushing myself, I sat there, wishing Tyler were pushing me, laughing and enjoying just being with me. The chains squeaked, and the sound alone conjured a memory, taking me back to a happier time when Tyler was still alive.

  “I’ll race you.” I had taunted and had taken off running for the swings. I had known he wouldn’t try to outrun me. He never did. “Last one has to push.” I had giggled.

  “You’re a cheater.”

  “No way, you’re just a slow poke.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

  “Nah, I got a really good view. Just the way I like it.”

  Stopping short in front of the swings, I rested my hands on my knees and eyed him from over my shoulder. From the way I stood bent at the waist, I knew my cutoffs were showing more skin than should be allowed. I didn’t care. I kind of liked tormenting him. As he got closer, he proved my theory correct. Ty winked and gave me that sexy smirk.

  “Go on.” He tipped his chin toward the swing. “Put that cute lil ass of yours on that seat, and I’ll push you . . . since I lost ‘n’ all.” I giggled softly, and like the good girlfriend I was, I dropped down onto the swing, gripped the chains, and scuffed my Chucks in the sand.

  “You might want to take up jogging or sprint walking, even,” I goaded. “You know . . . to build endurance.” My head had fallen as I had laughed.

  “Oh, yeah? I’ll show you endurance.” He had gently grabbed me by the chin, leaned in, and owned my lips . . .

  It was as if, even after all this time had passed, I could still feel the heat of his lips against mine. I swallowed hard and blinked back the tears. It hurt to be reminded that I’d never get to kiss those lips again.

  Maybe stopping there wasn’t such a great idea after all.

  I got up, dusted off the back of my shorts, and took one last look around. No matter where I went in this small town, a mountain of memories would surround me, and there was no escaping it.

  “I hope moving back home wasn’t a huge mistake.”

  The drive from the park to the cemetery took a whole five minutes, and if I didn’t have a bucket of sunflowers with me, I would’ve walked.

  As it was, I had a hard enough time lugging the extra weight from my car to Tyler’s grave. I set the bucket to the side, crouched down, and began cleaning away the old and dried arrangements. I debated between leaving the flowers in the bucket and laying them at the base of his headstone.

  I pulled two stems out and laid them down. They looked nice there, the contrast of the dark granite stone made the yellow seem brighter, warming the desolate place.

  “Hi.”

  “What the hell?” I all but screamed before stumbling back and falling on my ass.

  “I’m sorry.” The guy rushed to apologize while holding his hand out.

  Captivated by the intricate and colorful designs inked in caramel-colored skin, my eyes began their ascent from his wrist, over the cords of his forearm, and all the way up until his tattoos disappeared under the sleeve of his shirt. When I looked higher, those eyes knocked the wind from my chest.

  “Are you all right? I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  I gulped, searching for air. My previous assumption of the man was correct. He was absolutely gorgeous. The stranger smiled, and I looked away. What the hell was going on with me?

  Refusing his hand, I pushed myself up and took a couple of steps back, coming to a stop with a few feet between us.

  “Hi,” he repeated, hesitantly showing off a perfect set of shiny white teeth.

  I didn’t answer. I was still being held captive by those rustic, honey-colored eyes.

  Tyler’s eyes.

  “Miss? Are you okay?” His smile dropped, and his brows pinched. “I really am sorry for startling you.”

  “Fine,” I answered flatly, staring directly into his eyes. Not that I had much choice. They seemed to have stolen my free will and were refusing to give it back. The longer I stared, the more my body became attuned to the strange man. My cheeks flushed, and a shiver rolled upward from the bottom of my spine and across my shoulders. Other parts of my body started to tingle, and that was when I found the strength to pull my gaze from his.

  “Miss, are you sure? Your face is turning red�
�”

  “Shit.” I tucked my chin to my chest and turned to the side, hoping to gather myself. “I’m fine, really. Sorry . . .”

  “If you’re sure.” I recognized concern in his voice, and he stared at me a moment longer before asking, “I came over to see if maybe . . . you might be willing to sell me a couple of your sunflowers.” He pointed to the bucket. “They were my grandmother’s favorite.”

  He smiled, and seriously, how could I say no to such a warm smile? But apparently, I didn’t say anything at all. How could I with those eyes . . . and that voice?

  I was intrigued.

  And speechless.

  Then his smile faded. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He turned and began walking away.

  What? Why is he walking away?

  My voice caught in my throat, and I tried again. “Hey.” It was weak at best, but he still turned around. “Sure.” I glanced at the bucket then back at him. “Help yourself.”

  He smiled and backtracked in his steps. “Thank you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few bills.

  “No.” I held my hand up and shook my head. “There’s no need for that . . . just go ahead and help yourself.”

  “Are you sure? I can pay—”

  “No, it’s fine.” I offered him a gentle smile. “My sister shared them with me. It’s only right to share them as well.” I could’ve kicked myself for sounding so affected by this strange gentleman.

  “Thank you. It’s very kind of you.” He reached into the bucket and pulled out three stems. “Thank you again, I really do appreciate this.” He kept his eyes locked on mine for a minute, clearly questioning what was happening. “I should put these . . .” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder.

  “Are you sure that’s all you want? You’re welcome to take more.”

  “This is perfect, thank you.” His all-consuming gaze held me in place again, and when his eyes flickered to my mouth, I felt it to my core. Something unexplainable was taking place, and I had no idea if I should be afraid or enamored.

  Seriously! What in the Sam Hill is going on with me?

  “Well . . .” His lips curled up in one corner, and he looked over his shoulder again.

  “Of course, please, don’t let me keep you.”

  I didn’t want him to feel obligated to talk to me since I shared something with him.

  “Thank you, again.” He smiled and then slowly turned around and walked away.

  My eyes travelled slowly from the back of his neck, over his muscular back, and ended on his cute ass before I finally managed a whispered, “You’re welcome.”

  After my run-in with the handsome stranger, whose name I didn’t have the good sense to get, I had no clue as to how I should process my feelings, or even if I should. My mind was on repeat, questioning why I would react to a man I had barely met. How my body had tingled and flushed when acknowledging him.

  Unfortunately, each time I went to visit Tyler’s grave, the stranger was nowhere to be found. I would arrive with high hopes and leave with a sense of hopelessness, my disappointment growing a bit more each time. On the bright side, I didn’t touch a lick of whiskey, or wine for that matter. On the not so bright side again, that meant Tyler had been absent from my dreams.

  I hoped tonight was a different story.

  “Please be gentle with my heart,” I whispered and pulled the letter out of the envelope, determined to finish reading his final words. Just seeing his handwriting on the page had a tear slipping from my eye. “Please, Lord, give me strength.” I gently set aside the pages that I had previously read and took a deep breath.

  With that being said, there is something I need to tell you.

  My heart sank.

  What could he possibly have to tell me? We learned early on that secrets had no business in our relationship so, naturally, my mind came up with the worst-case scenario. I trusted Tyler completely, but in the back of my mind, that little voice taunted me, questioning if he had ever been with anyone else. Was this his way of absolving his sins? He very well could have been with another woman and kept it to himself. If that were the case, I prayed like hell he took his confession to his grave.

  Get your head out of the gutter, woman.

  Take a deep breath. I’m positive you’re going to need it. I’ve needed a few breaths of my own.

  I have no idea how to write this. I wish I could see your reaction, kiss your face, tell you instead of write it, but . . . damn my hands are shaking. Give me a minute.

  By the change in his handwriting, it was obvious he was nervous when he wrote this. I took another deep breath.

  Remember that argument we had when you went to your daddy and asked him for the down payment on the house you wanted?

  I knew exactly the disagreement he was talking about. In a desperate attempt at making my dreams complete, just days after going to my father asking if he would help us with a down payment for a house I had no business dreaming of, I stopped taking my birth control pills, without discussing it with him—desperate for a baby—Tyler’s baby. Hence the reason for the house; I wanted to fill all four bedrooms with my and Tyler’s children.

  Reliving the memory, I could envision him raking his hand roughly across the top of his shaved head, pouting, huffing out hot breaths.

  “Lilly, you cannot run to your daddy every time you want somethin’.” His drawl was thick. “He will never look at me like the man I should be.” He had sat on the edge of the bed holding his head in his hands, cussing under his breath. “Like the man that is supposed to provide and take care of you. It’s my job, god dammit.” His voice was hot, tipping the edge of angry.

  “And why on earth would you not talk to me about stopping your pills? Don’t you think that’s a selfish decision? If we have a baby, I can’t leave. Do you know how much it would kill me to not be there with the two of you? How much of that child’s life I would miss . . .” He had stood and sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth, his hands trembling at his sides.

  At the time, I hadn’t seen it through his eyes. I just wanted to help, and it certainly wasn’t my intention to make him feel any less of a man.

  Tears burned my eyes and the back of my throat, remembering everything about that moment. The selfish part of me couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give me that piece of him, the one thing I could hold on to, would always have from him.

  Well, what if I said I could make your dreams come true?

  Confused, I read his last sentence again.

  When it still didn’t make any sense, I read it one more time.

  I set the page to the side with the others and held my breath, afraid to continue.

  I have no idea how you’re going to take this.

  After some serious late-night talks with my buddy Casales, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do this for you and then you’d have the choice to choose. This is all really up to you, baby. Whatever you choose, Lilly, it’s all up to you.

  There is another letter at the bottom of the box. When you think you might be ready to read what I have to tell you, grab a glass of wine, think about me, and know I’m smiling from above, so in love with you.

  Always in love with you.

  ~Ty

  What did I just read? Or still had to read—when I thought I was ready.

  My mind did a loop, my heart sped up, and the worst-case scenario I concocted earlier multiplied tenfold. Not having a clue as to what to do next, I wandered into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of red wine sitting on the counter. It was already open and a glass seemed like a waste of time, so I popped the cork and took a swig. So much for not drinking. Oh, well.

  From where I stood, leaning my hip against the counter, I had a perfect view of that box. The same box that held another letter from Tyler, one of which I had no idea even existed. I mean, I knew the first one would be in there, but I didn’t expect a second one.

  I held the bottle loosely between my fingers as I tried to come up with an idea as t
o what Tyler had done.

  Nothing made sense.

  I was drawing blanks.

  Keeping my eyes glued to the box, I pressed the bottle to my lips and drank until everything in me started to burn. Only then did I discard the half empty bottle and head back to the couch.

  I tucked myself in one corner and faced the box.

  I stared at the box.

  I silently cursed the box.

  Finally, I reached for the damn thing and opened it.

  Just as Ty wrote, a thick envelope sat at the bottom, and I tried to imagine what could be tucked inside, still drawing blanks.

  Eventually, I found the courage to pull the envelope out, my hand shaking the entire time, and then I took another deep breath. Just like peeling off a Band-Aid, I tore the flap open and pulled another letter out.

  Along with the letter, there was a brochure for a fertility center. I separated the two and a business card fell into my lap. Confused, I set the brochure aside and unfolded the letter.

  Lilly,

  This next letter might confuse the heck out of you. Here I was telling you to move on and now this. I just wanted you to have a choice. The best of both worlds—sort of. After a lot of thought and some research, I took Casales’s advice.

  He’s been on four tours, and although he and his wife have three beautiful children, they’ve always wanted a large family. He told me he would never deny her that, and in the event he never made it back to her, she could still carry on his legacy—if she chose to.

  I had so many questions. God the questions, Lils, they seemed endless. And I had no idea how you would take to me doing something like this, which is why you’re only reading about this now. The brochure is for the clinic where I did something called gamete freezing. My sperm is frozen in the event you decide to go through with the artificial insemination process.