by Hannah Ford
“What is it?”
“I started having cramps and now I’m bleeding. It’s like I’m having my period but it’s different. Something’s wrong.”
“Come on, I’ll start driving us to the hospital now and make a few calls. I know a top OB/GYN who should be able to see us immediately.”
He helped Nicole to the passenger side of the car and then he ran and got in the driver’s side. The car screeched as he pulled away from the house and shot off towards the main road.
The lead got put back in his foot sooner than either of us thought it would be, Nicole thought, and something about it made her want to cry.
Red was driving with controlled urgency. He put his Bluetooth earpiece on and immediately was on the phone with someone powerful. She could tell by the way Red said things that it was someone who could get them seen right away.
“She needs to be looked at right now,” Red said into his headset. “I’ll have her there in under fifteen minutes, but I want Dr. Rosen, unless she’s not available for some reason. If not, please get me the next best available person. Okay?”
He looked over at her and tried to smile.
“I’m okay,” she whispered, not feeling in the least okay. But she could tell he was frightened too, and she wanted to somehow reassure him.
The baby will be fine, she told herself.
They arrived at Yale-New Haven Hospital a short while after that, and Red escorted her in and made another phone call.
Minutes later, the doctor herself came and met them. “I’m Dr. Rosen,” she said to Nicole. “Are you okay to walk? We can use a wheelchair if you’re uncomfortable.”
“No, I’m okay to walk,” Nicole said.
Dr. Rosen put her immediately at ease with her calm demeanor. She took them to the fourth floor, the obstetrics wing of the hospital, asking questions while they went.
“How long have you been cramping?” Dr. Rosen asked.
“Maybe an hour or so,” Nicole said.
“And bleeding? Is it light spotting or—“
“No. It’s heavy, like a period.”
They arrived at one of the examination rooms and Dr. Rosen inquired about the pregnancy tests Nicole had taken to determine she was, in fact, pregnant.
“Could it somehow have been a false positive?” Nicole asked her.
“That’s very rare, especially since you took more than one test. You’re not taking hCG supplements or anything, are you?”
“I didn’t even know that existed,” Nicole said, trying to laugh at the absurdity of it all.
“Yeah, it’s a new diet fad and it can cause issues with elevating a woman’s hCG artificially,” she said.
Dr. Rosen excused herself and asked Nicole to get into a hospital gown. Red stood there, his arms folded, trying to look less nervous than he was, while Nicole changed.
When she was done changing, she sat on the table and the two of them looked at one another.
“What if something’s happened to the baby?” she asked.
“I know it’s going to be fine,” he said, but she could see the deep concern in his eyes.
“And if it’s not?”
“Then we’ll get through it together, right?”
“Yeah.” She nodded, not feeling any better. He came over and gripped her hand.
A few minutes later, Dr. Rosen came back inside and told Nicole to lie on the examination table and put her feet on the stirrups. “I’m just going to do a brief pelvic exam,” she said, smiling. “Try not to worry, okay?”
“Okay.” Nicole tried to smile again. This time she completely failed.
“You might feel some pressure or a little bit of discomfort—just tell me if you feel any pain, all right Nicole?”
“Yes.”
Red was watching with tremendous attention, but keeping very still and quiet. She met his gaze and tried to just think of him protecting her.
He won’t let anything bad happen to me, she thought.
Dr. Rosen gently touched Nicole’s bare stomach and pressed against it, feeling around the entire belly area. “Everything feel okay so far—any tender or painful areas?” she asked.
“Nope. Everything’s just fine.”
Well, that was a lie—but maybe she could manifest okay-ness if she could just act the part.
“Good.” Dr. Rosen used the speculum to continue the exam. “There is some blood,” she said. “However, the cervix looks as it should.”
Red continued to look into her eyes and reassure her with his presence.
“I’m just going to look a little more, here,” Dr. Rosen explained. “The vaginal walls are consistent with a pregnancy,” she said. “Now normally I’d have you do a blood test to make sure, but given the nature of your situation—I think it might be best to do a transvaginal sonogram. That will provide the quickest answer to our questions.”
“How will that work?” Red asked.
“I have the ultrasound machine right here,” Dr. Rosen said, pulling back her stool to talk to them. “We can do it immediately.”
Red looked to Nicole. “Are you okay with that?”
“I just want to make sure the baby’s healthy.”
Dr. Rosen explained the procedure, her calm, kind voice partially allowing Nicole to remain upbeat.
Maybe everything’s fine. Maybe she’ll tell me that this is all totally natural and normal, and that our baby is healthy. The doctor asked her if she’d like to proceed with the ultrasound.
“Yes,” Nicole said, nodding.
Dr. Rosen moved the monitor so that she could clearly see the screen, and then she took out a probe, rolled a condom over it, and applied some lubricant to it.
Nicole began to shake now. She had just a terrible, awful feeling about what was happening.
“Are you all right, Nicole?” Dr. Rosen asked.
Nicole nodded. She looked to Red and he came over to hold her hand during the procedure.
“Just let me know if you experience any discomfort. Take some deep relaxing breaths if you need to.”
When Dr. Rosen inserted the probe, Nicole did feel pressure, however there wasn’t any pain and she had total confidence in Dr. Rosen’s abilities. Mostly she was just frightened because she knew what they were going to find.
“Okay, I do see the fetus,” Dr. Rosen said, as she moved the probe slowly from side to side. “I’m getting a picture and now I’m just trying to locate the heartbeat.”
A long time went by.
Dr. Rosen’s face was a study of pure concentration, staring at the monitor. Ever since she’d said she was trying to find the baby’s heartbeat, she hadn’t said another word.
The seconds continued to tick by, and Nicole felt her eyes well up with tears.
“It’s okay, Nicole,” Red said, but his voice was choked up.
Dr. Rosen began to talk, but there was a loud ringing in Nicole’s ears and she couldn’t really hear what the woman was saying to her. Nicole wasn’t listening anymore.
All she knew was that her unborn child didn’t have a heartbeat.
For His Trust (For His Pleasure, Book Five)
It had been three days.
Three days since everything had changed and Nicole’s entire world had gone dark. No, not completely dark, because she still had Red. But it was a gray film over everything, and she was stuck in the gray. It was like her legs were filled with lead, every step she took was achy and sapped her energy.
She was lying in bed mostly, needing to be taken care of, and Red was doing just that. Maybe he wished that he could lie in bed all day and have someone take care of him. Surely he had as much to be sad about as she did. In the space of just a month he’d lost the business he’d spent his life building from the ground up, and then he’d lost his unborn child.
Losing your baby was painful—but not even having the chance to really know your baby or hold your baby was also painful.
The doctor couldn’t tell them whether it was a girl or boy—it was far too e
arly in the pregnancy for that. Nicole wanted to know—she wanted to be able to grieve, and somehow it felt like knowing the gender of the baby would help that process.
Recently, she began to feel somehow that the baby had been a girl. Nicole didn’t know where the conviction arose from, but she decided to go with it just the same. Secretly, she named the girl Renee and made an internal promise not to forget her. Sure, she’d been just seven weeks old—but she’d still been alive and Nicole felt it was important to remember her no matter what.
Nicole had also been told it might take weeks for her body to expel the fetus—“expel,” as if the baby had been somehow bad and needed punishment—but she’d actually done it yesterday.
It had happened when she’d gotten another severe bout of cramps in the afternoon and gone to the bathroom. She’d seen the gray fetal sac and everything, and it had been horrible and deeply sad, and yet seeing it had brought some closure too.
So now the physical part was over. There was no more baby, there was nothing more to come—just this emptiness, this gray air that Nicole found herself walking through and talking through and seeing through.
Lying in bed was all she wanted to do right now, and Red was letting her do it. He brought her food, stroked her hair, spoke to her softly and held her hand in his own. He told her it would be okay, that she would be okay again at some point. He told her to take her time.
But today she couldn’t take her time anymore, because her mother was visiting the house. It would be her mother’s first time at the mansion and Nicole didn’t know how she would react to it all.
“You’re mother’s at the front gate,” Red said to Nicole as he came in the bedroom. “Do you want to come down or should I just bring her up?”
“No, no, I’ll get up and come downstairs.” Slowly, Nicole pushed herself into a sitting position.
She needed a shower but wasn’t going to have time right now. Even though she’d known since yesterday that her mom was coming, Nicole still hadn’t been able to get herself moving. She was like a toy robot whose batteries were running down.
Red left the room and Nicole got up, went to the bathroom and washed her face, brushed her teeth, put on deodorant.
Then she changed into some baggy cargo pants and a comfy sweatshirt. She tied her hair back in a ponytail and surveyed herself in the mirror. She looked yellowish, sickly, and you could read the depression in her eyes.
She put on some makeup—nothing fancy—just to give her face some color.
And then Nicole went downstairs to wait for her mother to arrive.
Red was brewing coffee when Nicole entered the kitchen. He looked up at her, his expression hopeful. Nicole knew what that expression meant. She knew he was waiting for the real Nicole to come back to him. This walking, talking ghost—this strange phantom was not the Nicole he’d fallen in love with.
“Want some coffee?” he asked, his voice a little too chipper.
She shook her head and sat down heavily at the breakfast nook.
“Well,” he continued, watching the pot brew, “your mother will probably want a pick-me-up after the drive from Syracuse.”
“Yeah, probably. That’s nice of you.”
He smiled. “Well, I’m kind of awesome so…”
Nicole tried to smile back at him. “You are awesome.” And then she thought what a great father he’d have made to their little Renee and the tears came to her eyes before she could stop them.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, moving quickly toward her.
She waved him off. “I’m fine. I’m just being silly.”
“No you’re not, Nicole. Don’t say that.” He stood by the counter and looked at her. The concern was written all over his face. “You’ve been through something horrible. Of course you’re sad.”
She sniffed, taking some tissues out of her pocket and wiping her eyes and nose. “I just feel like enough is enough already.”
“It’s been less than a week,” he said. “Go easy on yourself.”
“I still can’t believe it,” Nicole said, shaking her head. “I was so sure she was going to be ours. I was certain of it.”
“She was ours—she’ll always be ours,” he said, coming over and taking her by the shoulders. Red’s eyes looked into Nicole’s and his voice was firm. “And for the short time she was a part of this world, inside of you, she was loved. We’re never going to forget about our baby girl. Never.”
Nicole hugged him then, because he’d just uttered out loud the very thing she’d promised herself. She hadn’t thought anyone would understand her need to remember such a little thing—a little baby that had barely even existed to the rest of the world. But she did need to remember, and apparently so did Red.
As they were hugging and taking comfort in each other’s arms, there was the loud chime of the doorbell.
“My mother,” Nicole whispered.
“Now just relax and try not to get worked up,” Red cautioned. “You know how she can be.”
“I’ll try.” She smiled an over the top, clownish smile. “See how good I am?”
“Oh, boy.” Red took a deep breath. Then he went to answer the door. Nicole heard them speaking in low tones that echoed to her from the foyer.
A minute later, in strode her mother looking like she’d been shot out of a cannon. She was always energetic, but it seemed that much more over the top now that Nicole was so depressed.
“Honey,” her mother said, smiling sadly and rushing over for a hug. She had a purse on her arm but also a large plastic bag with something large in it that Nicole couldn’t yet identify.
Red followed behind the older woman. “I’ve made a pot of coffee.”
“Oh, you’re such a dear. That would be lovely,” the older woman told him.
Nicole watched her mother with dull suspicion. Her demeanor was strange—far too friendly to be real—especially towards Red. Hadn’t she hated the man just a week ago?
The older woman took a seat alongside Nicole at the breakfast nook as Red poured her a coffee, as well as one for himself.
“How do you take it?” he asked.
“A dash of cream and one sugar,” her mother said.
Red fixed it up quickly, stirred it and handed the cup to her with an easy grin. “Hope you like it.”
“I’m sure I’ll like it. Is it some specialty brew?”
“Starbucks French Roast,” he said.
Nicole thought her mother seemed nonplussed, as if she’d been hoping for something more exotic. “I could never afford to have Starbucks every day,” she said, sipping from her mug. “I have to settle for Folgers mostly.”
Red nodded empathetically.
Nicole stared at her hands.
“Honey,” her mother said softly.
Nicole looked up at her. “Yes?”
“You seem depressed.”
“I guess I am depressed.”
Her mother nodded thoughtfully. “I know this is a difficult time. It’s awful what happened. Your father and I were crushed when Red called and told us the news.”
Red walked over to the counter, holding his own cup of coffee and surveying the tense scene unfolding before him with trepidation. “Nicole and I truly appreciated your condolences and the flowers that arrived yesterday,” he said.
Barb nodded to him. “Of course, it was the least we could do.” She brightened visibly and turned to Nicole. “Anyway, I brought something along that should cheer you up.”
Nicole looked on doubtfully as her mother opened the plastic bag and took out swatches of different colored cloths with different designs on each.
“What’s that?” Nicole asked.
“These are some possibilities for your table cloths—for the wedding.” She laid them out on the counter. “I particularly like this pattern.” She pointed to a white tablecloth swatch with gold and blue stripes.
Nicole couldn’t even focus on it. She felt a complete and total sense of disinterest in what her mother was showing he
r. “I…I guess it’s nice,” she murmured.
“Do you? Do you really like it?”
“It’s okay. Yeah.”
“Just okay?”
“Mom, I don’t really know how I feel about the tablecloth designs. I can’t focus on this stuff right now.”
Her mother was growing frustrated and her happy-go-lucky façade appeared to be crumbling. “Now’s the exact right time to focus on these sorts of things. You need to get your mind off all of this depression and into something healthy.”
“I’m just not interested.”
“Fine. Fine.” She grabbed the swatches and swept them all into the plastic bag. “I’m going to leave this bag here for you, and you can let me know when you’ve had a chance to look at it. How’s that sound?”
“That sounds fine, Mom.”
Her mother sucked in her cheeks and subtly shook her head.
Red sighed deeply, as if sensing what was coming. “You know what? I haven’t even given you the tour, Misses Masters.”
Nicole’s mother looked at him and flashed a smile. “You know better than to call me that. My name is Barb.”
“Barb, would you like the tour?”
“That would be wonderful. I can’t believe how much land you have at your disposal, by the way. When I was driving in, I thought I’d somehow been transported to another country. It’s so beautiful here.”
“Thanks,” Red said, taking her by the arm and leading her out of the kitchen.
“Nicole?” her mom asked, looking back over her shoulder. “Are you coming?”
“No, I think I’ll just hang here until you two get back.”
Nicole saw the look of annoyance mixed with worry that flashed over the older woman’s face as Red escorted her out of the kitchen.
Nicole knew he was doing this “tour” primarily to give her a break from her mom, and she was grateful to him for that kindness. But she couldn’t even smile a little—not even when she thought about how amazing Red was and how safe she felt with him lately. Nothing could shake her from this desultory state.
About twenty-five minutes later, Red and her mother returned to the kitchen. They seemed to be getting along famously. Her mother was blushing and laughing like a teenage girl, and Red was chuckling right with her.