“Okay, fine, we’ll just do spraypaint. This time. Get you ready and practice for the real deal.”
“No, I changed my mind. We won’t do any of it. No paint, no anything. Were you even listening?”
“I’ve been listening for a long time. Long enough to know there’s a war going on out there and we’re all part of it,” he replied, like what he was saying made complete sense instead of being total bullshit. “And now’s the time to step up or shut up.”
“I’m not fighting the same fight as you.”
“Yes, you are. You just won’t admit it,” he snapped.
“This is done, Vray. We’re finished.”
It took saying it out loud like that for me to realize it was true. And strangely enough, instead of feeling freaked or upset, I felt relieved.
I went over to his bed, shoveled the spraycans into my pack and hooked it over my arm.
I looked at him one last time. I wanted to memorize all the great things about him. I wanted to remember that even if right now he was a bit confused and cocky, deep down he was also sweet, caring, intelligent and fun. That his intentions were probably good even if his expressions weren’t.
“We were really good there, for a while,” I said as I closed the door behind me.
e a r t h g i r l
[ Feb. 06th | 12:53pm ]
[ mood | You name it, I’m feeling it! ]
[ music | — ?! at a time like this?! ]
Mahatma Gandhi, the great teacher and man of peace and justice once said:
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
And since I have a ton of ideas and innovations, but no motto per se, I’ve decided that’s going to be mine. My womanifesto. My eco-ethos. To lead by example and help the world be a nicer, kinder, gentler, cleaner, calmer, better and happier place.
I WILL BE THE CHANGE I WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
I don’t know if I can change much. But I can change myself.
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www.epec.org
After retreating to bed and spending two bleary and teary-eyed days under my duvet, I figured I had to get back into the world. Plus another day in the fog of my mind and fug of my room and my mom would drag me to the doctor, which given the way pills were handed out like candy might lead to medicated mediation.
And now, more than ever, I needed to stay clear.
It wasn’t easy. I felt pukey and restless and completely on edge. As if the incredibly debilitating sadness and exhaustion weren’t enough, I was paranoid I might bump into Vray at the co-op. Or worse, his pack might try to infiltrate my school to intercept and hound or harass or berate me. I knew it wasn’t likely. Then again, I also thought I knew a lot more than I apparently did.
I didn’t dare call the car dealership back after my initial pay-phone-dialed warning (it was tough enough finding a public phone). And sneaking past to see if they’d reconfigured their cameras or hired extra security was out of the question. So if something had happened, I hadn’t heard about it on the radio or seen it online. Which in an odd way I had mixed feelings about.
Then again, at this particular moment, all of my feelings were decidedly mixed and mixed up.
“Ah-ha, you’re here,” Shane nodded as I walked past his sentry post by the stoner tree.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you’re here,” he shrugged. “And didn’t run off with the E-L-F or relocate to a tree.”
I didn’t know whether to be impressed or horrified.
“Should I know you by any other name?” I asked, wondering if Shane could be altalake, lorax, earthbound01 or even possibly onederful.
“I’m more an observer, not much for the blah-blah,” he said, shaking his head. “Unlike most of the goofs around here, I don’t need to express an opinion about everything. I’ve got nothing to prove.” And with a bow of his beautiful dreaded-head, he turned and walked toward the school doors.
“Am I imagining it or are you and Shane McCardle getting tight?” Ella squealed as she snuck up behind me. As if there had never been a blip in our friendship. “Watch yourself, girlie. Va-va-va-Vray’s gonna be seriously jealous.”
“Doubtful,” I answered softly. Then after a moment I added, “We’re not together anymore.”
“Shut up!” she shrieked. “Did he dump you?”
“No,” I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “Another time, okay? It’s complicated.”
“Well, he’s a total idiot cause you’re completely awesome, Bean,” she said. It was actually quite sweet. “Though he’s definitely a supreme hottie.”
Incendiary even. Something I instantly extinguished by standing up for myself when things got too heated.
But if I just dove into the cosmic jet stream of life instead of deciding things myself, where would that take me? If I didn’t think or care about the consequences of my actions, I could end up anywhere. Kicked out of school, in juvie or even dead. And really, how useful was I going to be in any of those places?
“You okay, Bean?” Ella asked as she touched my arm. “I didn’t upset you about him, did I?”
“No, I’m fine,” I said as I headed toward the school. “I’m good.”
And as the words came out of my mouth tangled with puffs of condensation in the cold, clear morning, I knew it was true.
earthgirl Page 17