It wasn’t only that he was good looking. Lots of men are — well maybe not lots — but we’ve all seen good looking men. It was the ambience of the whole thing — the handsome young man, the beautiful performance car, the charm of this wonderful European city, all coupled with the knowledge that you have only after you’ve turned a certain age and endured a certain amount of de-construction.
Now, you know that these moments are rare and to be savored . . . with your best girlfriends, over bottles of soulful wine and luscious food. You are old enough to appreciate being appreciated — and smart enough to know it isn’t real — most of it is in your head but that doesn’t make it any less fun.
Taxi!
SLACKER!
November 2011
Shanghai
I slept in today. Until 5:40 am. Yes, that’s sleeping in around here. I went to the gym before work and failed to arrive at my assigned work station until 8 a.m. And, I left the office tonight at 8:30 pm. I am a slacker. Truly.
When I left the office, more people than I could count were still on conference calls, in meetings and working at their computers. I have colleagues who stay until 10 or 11 at night. My boss installed a microwave and a fridge in his office and eats all his meals at the office. He is not a slacker. Me — I need my beauty sleep — I’m a slacker.
My slacker tendencies carry over into my personal life as well. My condition has even affected my husband — poor guy, he’s a slacker too.
This week we had parent-teacher conferences. They were intense. We met with 14 teachers, one every 10 minutes. Each and every one of them was prepared. I felt guilty when Jack and I had no questions beyond “How are they adjusting?” Sometimes, even the teachers seemed disappointed in our lack of preparation, lack of critical inquiry and laissez faire attitude toward our children’s education.
School is serious business in China. Kids go to school and then, after school, they go to school again to focus on math or science or reading or violin or something. Our kids go to school so Friday will come! We don’t have them enrolled in extra school or extra anything.
China seems like enough extra for all of us sometimes but by Asian standards, we are a family of slackers. I think we spend more time debating which 10 movies to buy from the movie lady every Saturday than we do working on homework some nights.
Priorities.
School has been so intense that we had a solid week of having to pry the kids from the Transit and force them through the school gates — tears be damned. I was really feeling like a Tiger Mom — kids in tears, giving me the evil eye and occasionally calling me names as I pried their fingers one-by-one from the handle bar on the side of the Transit.
I remained focused all week and force-marched them to class. Of course, the next week I left for Germany and told Jack to let Henry stay home from school to watch the Tigers and then the Lions on Monday Night Football.
Priorities.
The kids have clearly felt the pressure. Henry and Bella downloaded an app on their iPads to practice their multiplication tables. It awards them points for being both fast and accurate. It was perfect to get them ready to take their respective “minute” tests. Both of them were “behind” their Asian classmates in multiplication tables and wanted to “catch up.”
Catch up?! Bella hadn’t even started multiplication tables when we arrived in China. Were we really at risk of them going through life unable to multiply 4 by 6 and come up with 24? In truth, we haven’t completely mastered tying shoes yet either (Velcro is the devil); so, maybe they won’t learn to multiply but I wasn’t really that worried. Every iPhone has a calculator — they’ll survive!
At Jane’s conference, it was suggested that we place Jane in the extended math program, which is akin to advanced placement math on steroids. We smiled politely and declined. Jane has never liked math. She has never been confident in her abilities in math. For the first time in her academic life, she is showing signs of believing in herself when it comes to math. Moving her into “extended math” does not appear to have any upside in the confidence department. At least not now. She’s got plenty to handle already.
Her teacher was very polite. He got it. Her parents are slackers and they are raising slacker kids. Or, at least, they’re trying to raise slacker kids . . .
On his own, Henry signed up to take his 7-8-9 multiplication test. Only kid to take it and pass. Well, his Asian classmates already took 10-11-12, but we aren’t counting them . . .
Maybe I am the only slacker in the bunch.
Thanksgiving . . .
November 2011
Shanghai
On Monday night, Jack and I were watching Sunday Night Football. It was being replayed on the American Sports Network (ASN). There are very few commercial breaks when games are replayed on ASN. But when there are, they sometimes include commercials from the States.
This will sound odd but it is sort of a novelty to watch them because they are so rare. I know that sounds ridiculous. But, after 6 months of commercial-free sports, it really is a treat to see an American truck commercial. It feels like a touch of home.
On Monday night, a truck commercial came on and there was tinsel, snowflakes and people dressed in red and white Santa hats with some guy crooning “. . . it’s the most wonderful time of the year . . . ” in the background. Then it hit me. It’s Christmas. Or, more accurately, it’s the Christmas shopping season, which likely began in the States in October and is probably reaching a frenzied state today as shoppers prepare for Black Friday or abandon Thanksgiving entirely in favor of Black Thursday. Christmas.
It isn’t like I hadn’t realized that it was November. Though, to be honest, it doesn’t seem like November. It isn’t nearly cold enough for one thing. And, it certainly doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving and the end of the college football season. I’ve watched exactly zero college football games this autumn. And, it can’t be possible that Christmas is around the corner because I have not heard a single Christmas carol, unless you count the 30-second commercial.
But, in fact, today is Thanksgiving. However, in China, it’s just Thursday, November 24th. There was no turkey for lunch today. And, there’s no turkey for dinner either. I won’t even get out the office in time to have dinner with the family tonight. No football game at noon or 4 p.m. No sleeping bags and coffee outside Shanghai’s Super Brand Mall tonight. Just work, school and the usual evening routine. And, more work and school tomorrow.
I suspect that most of you would be thankful if the radio stations stopped playing 24 hours of Christmas carols. Or, at least, didn’t start the round-the-clock carols until December 24th. I am sure that your eyes are sore from having to gaze at sparkling Christmas decorations since Halloween.
And as you fork out far too much money for that Christmas tree, you are probably wondering when things got so out of hand — when did Christmas become so commercial. I don’t know the answer to that question but I am certain it was long before I was born.
Here’s what I do know:
• I miss cooking that big bird and everything that goes with it.
• I miss Thanksgiving Day football and the parade.
• I miss making fun of my favorite neighbors and their Best Buy sleep out.
• I miss over-priced Christmas trees.
• I miss Christmas decorations — particularly ours.
• I miss 24 hours of Christmas carols — I really do.
Here’s what I am thankful for:
• Having a resourceful husband who managed to “outsource” the turkey for Saturday.
• Having ASN so we can watch the Lions at 1 a.m. — yeah, really.
• Having the opportunity to slow down the “season.”
• Having something and someone to miss.
• Having those dearest, nearest and realizing how great that really is.
You are in the midst of the craziest and most wonderful time of the year. Here, unless you are at Starbucks, it is simply November. To make it the
most wonderful time of the year, you have to put in some effort. I found real vanilla the other day and cloves, which I could not find anywhere. I was so overjoyed you’d think I’d finally gotten that Big Wheel I’d wanted for Christmas all those years ago.
Sounds crazy to you, I know. I know. But, the best thing about China is that we are in China and it isn’t just like home. Thanksgiving is an American tradition. We will have to make our own Thanksgiving.
And, like Thanksgiving, Christmas Day in China is a day like any other day. China is officially atheist and there isn’t even a Santa Claus. So, December 25th is just another workday. Though I will not be working; I will be in Malaysia. We will make our own Thanksgiving and we will make our own Christmas season. It isn’t made for you on the radio, in the shopping malls and on television. There is something great about that, isn’t there?
I am very thankful to have this opportunity to slow it all down — as our children start to move away from Mom and Dad a little bit. One teenager and two “tween” wannabes. It’s a gift that I wasn’t expecting and didn’t realize I was getting until that truck commercial. It made us realize that if we wanted to have a Thanksgiving and a Christmas, we would have to supply the ingredients, which means we get to select them.
Still, I really do miss 24 hours of carols.
Hope you wake up to a great Thanksgiving and Go Lions!
The Smell of a Melt Down
December 2011
Shanghai
In the month since my last post, we:
1. Had coats made at the fabric market (and we look so pretty in them);
2. Ate real Chinese street food outside the fabric market (and lived);
3. Went to two school Christmas concerts (the concerts were more like a night at the theatre — so amazing and it was just kids);
4. Took final exams (and passed, even our Chinese finals);
5. Had our performance review at work (did not get fired but it was close);
6. Celebrated the Christmas Season with friends from Australia and England (and enjoyed the different traditions);
7. Lip-synced to Tina Turner’s Proud Mary with drunk friends at the Christmas party to the giggles of 9 children (all of whom can now shake a tail feather like Tina);
8. Went to Malaysia and immediately felt like I had turned onto Elk Lake Road in Northern Michigan (the world just fell away and I was in paradise);
9. Walked with monkeys, stared at lemurs, marveled at eagles and were awed by the great horn bill (and marveled that we had brought the kids to this place that we never imagined we would see ourselves and one of us had never heard of); and . . .
I could write volumes about each of these experiences — and a better woman would have — but I am not that woman. You knew that when you started following this little stream of consciousness. Didn’t you? Yes, you did. Item #10 explains why I haven’t posted in more than a month.
10. Had our house tested 3 times for toxic levels of formaldehyde and other volatile organic compounds.
In our list of the Top 10 things we did this month, this is the one that pushed me over the edge.
Most expats in China will tell you that, after about 6 months in-country, they experience their “China moment.” Almost anything can trigger it:
• Waiting 2 hours at China Mobile to get service for your kid’s new phone.
• A complete and increasingly frustrating inability to communicate the simplest things.
• Missing your favorite food or the taste of a real Diet Coke not that Coke-Light stuff.
For me, it was setting up air quality monitors in our family room for the third time.
Just before Thanksgiving, or maybe just after Halloween — I can’t recall any more — it started. A neighbor was sick. Her husband thought it was morning sickness but she insisted the smell in the house was making her ill. Eager to forestall her departure back to the States, her husband arranged for testing.
The results were downright scary. Formaldehyde was 2.5 times the “legal” China limit and more than 6 times the U.S. recommended limit. Of course, other toxins were found but the formaldehyde gets top billing. Why? Well, think back on those Katrina trailers and you’ll understand why.
Of course, we considered the air pollution and the water and food safety issues before we agreed to move to China. And, if you saw our sea container and the amount of food we packed, you’d know that we took these issues seriously. We did not, however, anticipate that the house itself might be toxic. Or, if toxic, not approaching lethal levels or potentially carcinogenic.
People say that I have a short temper but I don’t. Really, I don’t. If I had a short temper, I would have blown up months ago at any one of the points along this path — pick one:
1. Neighbor moves to hotel because toxin levels are dangerous to his infant and pregnant wife;
2. Salt Mine refuses to do testing for the remaining families in complex;
3. Salt Mine agrees to do testing only after negotiating a contract with a “Western-credentialed” company;
4. Salt Mine’s selected testing agency performs tests but the results are “too good to be true” and it appears testing company may have relationship with complex or was bribed;
5. Re-testing is scheduled with new company and equipment is flown to China from the States; tests are performed, with results promised before the Christmas holiday;
6. On Christmas Day, we receive an email advising that the test results may be within China’s limits but quality checks mandate a third re-test; or,
7. After asking for the test results, we were told that Salt Mine does not have the results (see statement above where they talk about the results).
My temper isn’t short. Signs that my temper is simmering are often not taken seriously or are somehow missed, but they are there. My temper is, however, explosive. Like a volcano, the little tremors might go unnoticed, but the big explosion is hard to miss.
It’s like that scene in a movie when the kids are screaming or complaining, the husband thinks he’s being helpful but isn’t, and the room is spinning around you. Jane had been back in China for 36 hours and her China attitude was fully engaged, Jack was pleading for patience and I was spinning. And, then, I lost it.
Not sure if it was the equipment, the long faces, Jack’s “be patient” attitude or all of it together, but I started to cry and I cried for two days. I also managed to yell at Jack and the kids for no good reason at all, slept on the couch, stopped eating and wore the same clothes both morning and night for two days. Oh, I was a real joy to be around.
Thankfully, I came to my senses around 5 this morning, brushed my teeth, crawled into bed next to Jack and apologized. This wasn’t the way I wanted to end one year and start a new one.
And, if the schedule holds, in about 45 days, Jack and the kids are due for their China Moment. I expect the lack of Hershey Bars or the price of wine to be the triggers. If they cry for two days, refuse to bathe or change their clothes, those brand new air purifiers will be in high gear!
Ringing in the New Year
December 2011
Shanghai
The ball doesn’t drop in People’s Square like it does in Times Square. There are no revelers on the streets or parties in all the bars. Much like Christmas Eve, this is just another Saturday night in Shanghai. Preparations are underway for the real New Year’s celebration, which begins January 21st and continues for two weeks. The actual new lunar year begins on January 23rd.
2012 is the Year of the Dragon. The water dragon symbolizes an intelligent and laborious worker who never puts aside work though sometimes this leads him to excesses. The water dragon has enough courage to face challenges. If you are wondering, we have sheep, an ox, a snake and a horse in our home. No dragons. And, if you look each of those up, we are sure you’ll be able to match each one of us to our year.
We made our resolutions: Make the school play, tackle Chinese, try new foods, etc. And, we picked our favorite moments of 2011:
Our first home run, appearing in our first school play, going on a plane for the first time and visiting the rain forest in Malaysia. For Mom and Dad, the best was that all of these favorites happened either in China or because of China.
Not bad.
Part Two:
The Unravelling
Dear Mom . . .
January 2012
Shanghai to Detroit
Dear Mom,
I’m getting on a plane in the morning, destined for home. Leaving the kids, the dog and the husband in the Middle Kingdom and heading home. Business is the reason for my trip, but I’m coming to your place and it isn’t to discuss the reinstatement of the dividend, the climb back to investment grade or the succession rumors. Our business is far more critical. So, you better get your paper and pencil ready because a shopping list is about to be dictated.
Avocado and cilantro
I haven’t seen cilantro since June and avocados are nearly $15 for a sphere the size of an oblong golf ball. I am longing for the creamy texture of avocado, a hint of garlic, lime and the fresh bite of the cilantro with a salty, crispy chip and a shot of tequila. Taco night isn’t the same without guacamole. Sadly, even sour cream is a rare luxury in China. Desperate for the fresh, made-to-order taste of chunky yet creamy guacamole — I’ll even make it. Just please don’t forget the cilantro. Parsley is a poor and, in my opinion, inferior substitute.
Strawberries
A strawberry — red, plump and juicy. No cream required. Just the berry, please. Berries — oh — berries, I miss you. A Christmas without trifle. The fruits of the tropics are a wonder but, alas, a girl needs her berries. Yogurt, pound cake, champagne — and berries. I know it’s January but cull those produce aisles and find me a berry, Mom.
And, of course, if there was any way to get them back for your grandchildren, we should do that too. But, hey, this is really all about me!
Ribs
A summer without ribs, potato salad and corn on the cob is a sad summer, indeed. I can get ribs here at the Australian butcher shop but it’s not quite the same. And, my oven isn’t big enough to cook ribs for the gang and we have no barbecue grill. Though that seems to be the next investment, just after the air purifiers. And, believe me, that nearly sparked a nuclear meltdown — air purifiers before a grill, what could we be thinking? The burger maniacs, also known as our children, sorely miss Jack’s famous burgers.
Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me Page 4