Still, I could have withstood that storm. But, 30 minutes into the review, they dropped the bomb. Everyone on this call, except me, knew this was coming. They had to have known for months. Yet, I had no warning. Nothing. Indeed, the opposite. Just months earlier, I was asked to consider extending my assignment from 3 years to 5 years. Now, I was told that I was repatriating to the States no later than February 1st. Less than 45 days.
Everyone on the call also knew that I was meeting my family for an extended holiday in Hawaii in 5 days. I was not due back in China until January 8th. I have three children – all school age. From a logistics perspective, this was insanity. The Salt Mine did not care: “This is a business decision. Your family doesn’t factor into it.”
Let that settle in for a moment. “Your family doesn’t factor into it.” Really? The family that I dragged around the world for the Salt Mine and my career. The family that sacrificed while I worked 12- and 14-hour days. The family that had just adjusted to China, that finally feels settled, that has overcome so many hurdles. That family? Well, screw you! No. We will not be getting on a plane on February 1st. End of conversation.
I saved the “screw you” sentiment until after I hung up the phone. The poor HR guy in my office got some of my anger (I apologized later), but all in all I handled it well – all things considered. Then I got in the Transit with Mr. Cao and drove to Baker & Spice and ran into the shop where Jack was sitting with Sue, Nigel and Scott (our closest friends) and I wept.
Jack took me to the therapist and 90 minutes later I was back at the office. Smile plastered to my face. The HR guy was stunned. “Why are you still at the office?” he asked me. “Where else would I be?” I responded. Did you really think I was going to crawl into some corner? Oh, no, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot.
You better get ready because I am pissed off now!
December 16th
2012
Shanghai
When you don’t have much time, you get busy getting busy. I had meetings with human resources, found an executive coach and saw my therapist daily. I was not going down without a fight and I was not pulling my children out of school before the end of the term. The Salt Mine would just have to deal with it and, eventually, deal with me.
Tomorrow morning we get on a plane for Hawaii. Things are not settled. A counter proposal is on the table to allow me to stay until April, when the bully from the States is due to visit. If, at that time, I am not sufficiently charming, then I will return to the States and my children and husband will follow at the end of the school year. If, however, my charm quotient improves, I stay until the end of June. I will not press for the third year. Who needs that headache? Not me.
I’ve agreed to accept an executive coach. It seems the Salt Mine prefers to promote people to executive level first and then work on their deficiencies – that explains a lot. I hired my own. Turns out that I am not the piece of shit that the Salt Mine paints me as; I am smart and talented and intimidating to those who are not as smart and talented. I need to be more compassionate towards these people – which I am happy to do but the bully is not deserving of my compassion and I am not that nice of a person.
Our children know nothing about this situation. They sense that Mom is not herself. They may hear me crying, though I am trying hard to keep it together. My anxiety meds have been increased. My anti-depressants have been increased. My drinking has increased. I am thinking there is a correlation here somewhere.
My compass has been pointing toward tomorrow morning for months. Now, I am dreading it. The Salt Mine essentially shuts down over Christmas in the States, which means I will wait for 3 weeks wondering if my counter proposal will be accepted. I will be left in limbo to try and fake my way through our holiday. Every moment will be a bit less happy because I will be worried, anxious, angry, and lost.
My work is how I define myself. It is how I have defined myself for most of my life. I invested my time in my work, in my mentors, in building something from nothing, and I believed those investments would pay dividends in the form of money, rank and opportunity. A better life for my family. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong.
The question of “who am I” hangs in the air and goes unanswered. My personal despair is overwhelming me to the point of paralysis. Jack is not pushing me forward; he is pulling with all his might. “Do not regret not being present.” Jack repeats this mantra several times a day. He says it to me quietly so no one else can hear it. He is trying to keep me moving toward Hawaii. He does not want me to “miss it” in the fog of my despair.
The sun will rise. I am a sunrise girl. But, it is mighty dark right now and the night seems endless.
Part Three:
Unravelled & Nearly Broken
Fate & Destiny
December 2012
Maui
Can’t sleep, again. This may have something to do with the myriad of time zones travelled in the last few weeks, not to mention that for the last two days we’ve been stuck on December 17th. There’s an 18-hour time difference between China and Hawaii, so we arrived before we left, if you know what I mean.
Maui. Should be bliss. Heaven. Yet, I can’t seem to relax. The waves are crashing, the trade winds are blowing, all of the things important to me in life are under a single roof and in a week I’ll be joined by a few of those other “priorities,” notably my parents, one brother and two nieces.
I am in need of family. The tragedy at the Connecticut elementary school reminds us all how important family really is and how we often take it for granted. We let our children walk out the door in the morning to go to school without ever imagining that they might not return that afternoon. It is unthinkable – or at least it was until recently.
How do those parents get out of bed in the morning now? Family. Their children, their spouse, their loved ones who need them and they need in return. Being needed and needing others in return is part of the human condition and only when you no longer feel part of the human condition can you let yourself stay in that bed and do nothing. I have no idea what makes a person want to take the life of another. But, the desire to curl up under the covers and ignore the world . . . I get that feeling.
My internal compass has pointed to this date for months now. The desire to surround myself with people who love me for me, with all my failings and all my mistakes, and still manage to see my very real desire to be more, do better, be worthy. Now, the date on the calendar is finally here and I am struggling to feel worthy.
I don’t really feel the sand beneath my feet yet. It will come. Jack assures me it will come. I am fortunate. I have Jack. I also have my parents and, even at 45, I just want to hug my Mom and cry on my Dad’s shoulder and have someone tell me that it will be okay even if it won’t.
I hold our children close and tell them it will be okay. I believe it will be okay. I have no idea how or when but I believe it will be . . . I have no other choice. I am a parent. I must believe.
Today, we saw “Crush,” a giant sea turtle, swimming in the ocean waters off our beach. Locals said he has lived here more than 100 years, long before any of the condos sprouted up. Our children were mesmerized.
I was mesmerized by the three wonders of my world. And, in that moment, I thought about those parents thousands of miles away. Will they ever feel the earth beneath their feet again . . . I wonder. Who is holding them and telling them it will be okay even when it won’t?
I am the master of my fate and the captain of my destiny.
~ Nelson Mandela
I won’t sleep for days. Fate seems to have fallen out of my grasp and until I manage to pull it back some, I will not sleep. I will, however, treasure each moment I am given with those who give me so much each and every day and ask for so little in return.
China is hard. China is isolating. China is polarizing. China is galvanizing. China is contradictory. China is discovery. China is courage. Connecticut is harder, and has the potential to be even more polarizing and galvanizing. What
will we discover, what do we want to discover and do we have the courage to face whatever is discovered? Courage is a choice. A choice made by children and parents, by citizens and subjects, by politicians and dictators. Courage is not often popular. And popular is often over-rated.
We have a voice. And, thus, we have a choice. Whether you are protecting a band of five in China, restoring faith in a community or protecting a nation or a world of innocents, you — no, we — are the masters of our shared fate and the captains of our collective and evolving destiny.
Note: In an eerily similar incident in China, a mentally ill man walked into a middle school and attacked the children and staff. 22 were injured. No deaths. He didn’t have a gun, though — gun ownership is illegal in China. He had a knife. We have a shared destiny . . .
Simple Pleasures
December 2012
Maui
When the day is done and I come home, it is the simple pleasures that make the rest of the world fall away. A glass of wine with my beloved. The tight hug from our youngest. A kiss from our son. And, the smile from our teenage daughter. The simple things are the most pleasing.
I have found it hard these last months to find pleasure in almost anything. It has been an excruciating long year. Work has been difficult, the travel has been endless and the battle to remain true to myself has been hard fought, if not won. And, yet, I feel as though I have no idea who I am anymore. China seems to have that effect on people. It makes you question everything.
And in questioning everything, you question yourself. In such circumstances, I think it is best to keep things simple. Thankfully, I am surrounded by a wonderful and loving family. I have friends who have supported me through this sometimes wonderful and sometimes painful journey. It has been a shared experience in many ways and, in other ways, it has been isolating.
While I have chosen to write mostly about my own personal journey, our children have experienced both the joy and sorrow of life in a foreign country. Our friends and their children have shared the same experiences and together we have found comfort. Sometimes comfort comes in the form of laughter and tears but, more often than not, it comes in the form of empty bottles after long nights around a table full of food and friendship.
Simple.
Maybe it is my age or my station in life, or maybe it is the Middle Kingdom itself, but I find myself wanting more from life or, perhaps, wanting more from myself. As the year draws to a close, I find myself both disillusioned and enlightened. How long I will remain in this cocktail shaker looking for my answer? I don’t know. I do know that I am capable of more and that I want more. I want to do more. It is simple, really. I want more for my daughters and my son. I want to contribute in some way to making more possible. Somehow, I thought more was already possible, for myself at least, but I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
Being a woman is a great gift. You have the ability to create, carry and nurture life. You are not less than; you are so much more. And, yet, for most of this year being a woman has been a great struggle and an impediment to achievement. No, that isn’t right. It isn’t being a woman that impedes me; it is the view of women still held by the majority that impedes me. A far, far different thing.
I fought the urge to be “liked” in order to do the job. I was the dissenting voice in a room where it was not valued or wanted from a woman. It certainly wasn’t valued like it was by this once young lawyer looking to save a client from the electric chair. In those circumstances, a life may hang on a phrase in a dissenting opinion. Dissent is not necessarily bad; indeed, it is necessary to achieve any meaningful democracy.
At the end of the day, I find myself wondering if this is still what I want. Frankly, I am not sure I know what “this” is anymore. What was I trying to achieve with all of “this” — recognition, money, fame? It is hard to remember. I wonder if I ever really knew or if I just got on the treadmill and kept running, increasing both the speed and the incline to prove that I could do “it.”
I will need stronger armor if I want to continue this battle. Perhaps this is the reason there is but one woman sitting at the Salt Mine’s big kids’ table: Do women just burn out? Do we make a conscious choice to exit the race because the sacrifice is too great? Is it the constant drum beat in our heads that we aren’t good enough or don’t measure up? (And, who are we measuring ourselves against?)
I don’t know the answers. Today, I only have questions: Am I putting my family and myself through too much for something that I may no longer want? If so, what do I want to do?
On the Saturday before we left for our holiday, we decorated cookies and ate cookie dough with friends from around the world. All of us in one kitchen filled with far too many bottles of wine and even more friendship. It was pure joy. In that moment, I didn’t question myself. I did not seek more. I was simply me.
Like any human being, I am a complex and confused creature. I seek out wisdom from others, particularly this group around the cookie decorating table. And, I am capable of reflection and introspection. It slows the rhythm of the cocktail shaker and I begin to hear myself again. Soft whispers. But, I know she is in there trying to reach me.
I am, it seems, in search of me. I am in search of the project, the job, the thing that will allow me to be me full time. No apologies. No excuses. Maybe I have grown, or am beginning to grow, into myself. Either way, it seems that I have my New Year’s resolution . . . to find and be me.
My Favorite Things . . .
December 2012
Kauai
While work has been challenging, personally our family has enjoyed an amazing year. My husband keeps telling me to focus on the things we’ve done as a family — he’s right, as usual. We’ve had a great year.
The year is going to close out well because more family is on the way. Tomorrow, Christmas Eve, my parents will arrive in Kauai. Then, we will close out the year, with them and also my older brother and his wonderful daughters. Really, what could be better? (The rest of the gang being here too would be, but I’ll take what I can get.)
Looking back on 2012, there is a lot that I can be proud of in both my professional and my personal life. If others don’t see it in the same way, then they don’t. We’ll have to agree to disagree, and take that up in 2013. For now, I am in one of the many versions of paradise that I’ve had the good fortune to experience during the last year.
If I am honest with myself, I am disappointed in 2012 because I am disappointed in myself. I have many regrets. Most are very personal. It has been a struggle to be the professional person that I want to be and also be the mother that I need and want to be to our children. Finding a way to balance these competing desires is harder than I ever expected. Still, I do not regret coming to China. I do not regret trying to achieve as much as I believed myself to be capable of achieving. I would regret not having tried.
If I hadn’t tried, then my list of favorite things would never have included some of the following:
• We celebrated Chinese New Year on the beaches of Phuket, Thailand. Thai food and hospitality and elephant riding. This, after monkeys in the Malaysian rain forest. A great start.
• Watching Henry and Jane on stage in Oliver Twist. I was so nervous!
• Henry playing incredible baseball in an International Baseball Tournament. Boy, that team from Hong Kong was amazing!
• Celebrating 20 years of marriage by taking our children to Europe for the first time. Beer in Munich. Touring Salzburg while singing along to the Sound of Music. London just before the Olympics. The kids really loved that Harry Potter walk! And, of course, Paris!
• American football in Shanghai. Henry played center and defensive tackle. Of course, he was the BEST player out there or at least my favorite player. And, it cured my football fix. Sunday football, complete with a grill and a bar on the sideline. That’s football.
• Rooftop evenings with Jack and friends. Late evenings on the rooftop deck, Sherpa’s delivering lamb chops and tzatziki along with
wine (or ice if we were drinking bourbon).
• Watching Bella discover that not only does she love swimming but she also is a very good swimmer. And, gaining a training partner . . . a shared love of the water.
• Trekking the Great Wall of China with William Lindesay. The pre-dawn hike to the Wall was transformational for me. I still can’t quite put it into words.
• Driving in India and surviving. I love India. I love the food, the people, the colors, the chaos. It can be totally overwhelming but, at the same time, it’s on the edge, about to emerge and it’s very exciting.
• Australia Girls’ Weekend with Sarah. Touring the vineyards of Yarra Valley and exploring Melbourne. And, following it up the next weekend, in Sydney. Just unbelievable.
• Turtles and whales in Maui. Rainbows and surf. Black sand and waterfalls.
I have no idea what 2013 will bring. While this is true for all of us, it is truer this year for me than almost any year that I can recall. I do know that no matter what lies ahead, it can’t take away any of the joy, any of the discovery or any of the love I’ve been fortunate to enjoy in 2012.
I am grateful for all of the wonders of this past year. The ‘hard’ makes it better in some way, I suppose. The contradictions and the extremes of 2012 are not something I want to repeat in 2013, but I wouldn’t mind a return to Europe or another amazing island.
Is it too late to send my letter to Santa?
Time
December 2012
Kauai
I recently read an article by Andy Ellwood of Forbes — “Add 15.2 Days to Your 2013.” It blew my mind because time is the theme that I settled on for my New Year’s blog. Ellwood sent out a Tweet asking if you could find 15.2 days in 2013. I responded to the Tweet saying that in 2013 — just like 2012 — I purchased extra vacation from the Salt Mine. That’s when it hit me: Time is an investment.
Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me Page 17