I have wonderful friends. I have a wonderful and loving family. I have a job. I may hate my job at this exact moment in time but I have one. I am healthy. My parents, in-laws and children are all relatively healthy and happy. Even the dog seems to be doing well despite the constant barrage of fireworks.
I am so pleased now that I did not quit when I wanted to chuck it all. I am pleased that the plane did not go down when all I could think about was the plane going down and the amazing amount of insurance money Jack would get to start over, better and happier. I am pleased that I have 30 more days with my family before I have to head back to the States.
I am so pleased that I get to be the tour guide for the guy coming to take my job so that I can make his freakin’ transition so smooth and easy. I mean, really, who wants to travel to China alone, land in the dark, and be met by a driver who doesn’t know you or speak a lick of English while you speak not a lick of Chinese and will almost certainly get lost on the way to your temporary accommodations? Oh right, me.
I must have wanted that . . . because that was my freakin’ transition. Hell there was nothing here to “transition.” It did not exist. I was blazing a trail. But, we wouldn’t want the new guy to be frightened by China or India, now would we?!
I pulled the undisciplined approach to regulatory lobbying and strategy into a process, and I took the heat for certification programs that were mismanaged regardless of the “root cause” of the mismanagement. Blame was not my concern. Everyone was learning. A leader leads and that includes protecting the broader team. I also argued for a work force plan — actual people to do the work. I did it and I am now so pleased to turn all of that hard work over to some schmuck who will get far more respect, support, money, stock and other rewards.
I am also so pleased now to return to the States and a dead-end, phony, made-up job that will remind me every day that I am less than all the freakin’ men that I ever worked with or for at the Salt Mine. I am equally pleased to know that if I had only gone to charm school or been a member of a sorority, I might have had a better chance at the brass ring. Being courageous, smart and direct are traits we value in our men but not our women. We want our women to behave like the wives of the boys on the executive floor and that ain’t me.
I am so very pleased now to know and understand my place in the world, which is under the freakin’ rock.
Yes, it has been a very good year after all. I’ve discovered anxiety pills, Zoloft, bourbon, single malt scotch, shrinks, executive coaches and spent thousands of dollars trying to make myself into the “leader” the Salt Mine wants me to be — all the while leaving tiny little bits of myself, my beliefs, my values, me strewn across Asia Pacific, Africa, Europe and the States.
And, I am so pleased now to be able to say out loud how truly awful I have come to feel about myself. How incredibly angry I am that I have been put through this and that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of – again. Yes, I am pleased now. So very, very pleased.
I can barely get out of bed some days. I really hate where I find myself. I am pleased to be able to give voice to that, I suppose. But, in truth, I just want out. Off the roller coaster. Stay under the rock and hide.
But, I am pleased now to know that however difficult it might be, I won’t give up. I don’t know where I am going or how I will get there but getting it done is what I do. So I will do it again. I will focus on getting it done and work on feeling better about it later. It is too much to bite off all at once.
It has been a very good year after all because despite all the hell, fire and shit that has come our way, my husband has not only stood by me but held me and done all he can to hold what are now just pieces of me together. Our children have grown closer to each other and to us. We are a family tested under fire. We know so much more about ourselves now than we ever have because of this past year. And, I am so pleased now to try and find a way to hang onto the good and shed the bad so that I, we, all of us can move forward together and be happy.
It’s a wonderful freakin’ life — most of the time, anyway.
The Assignment . . . A Year Later
February, 2013
Shanghai
I have been asked to look forward now . . . oh, joy. The new assignment is to imagine what might be possible, could be possible, if I apply myself to it. So, let’s play pretend, shall we?
“2013 was a very good year after all, and now that it is 2014, I am so pleased that . . . “
In 2013, I remade myself into the person I once believed I could be. I started a blog in 2011 and by 2013 I decided that I do have a voice. A voice that, unbeknownst to me, resonated with others. I wrote that book. (You are reading it.)
My shrink actually said to me in 2012 that there are no bad experiences, only good material. Well, maybe you have to suffer to be able to know and express joy. Are all experiences really meant to teach us something? I don’t know. If they are, then I am a slow learner.
2013 was a very good year after all. I conquered it. I left behind the people, places and things that made me feel unworthy. I found happiness in writing and devoting myself to causes that I care deeply about, like women’s rights and ending violence against women across the globe, and became affiliated with groups that care about the same things. I traveled the globe with my husband and, at times, our children to understand these issues better and write about them. My writings appeared in my blog, in magazine articles and, occasionally, on stage when I speak on these issues.
It wasn’t easy. It was scary. Incredibly scary to leave the security of the corporate world and the steady paycheck of the Salt Mine but, in the end, the Salt Mine was killing me. If you find yourself taking more and more anxiety pills and having to count them to be sure you don’t overdose, then something is not working in your life. My life was no longer working for me.
The Salt Mine provided income — a very good income — but it was breaking me into pieces. I was as much a part of that as anyone. I just did not want to play their game. I no longer wanted to be someone else’s doormat. But, the ability to walk away required a kind of courage that I was not sure I had inside me.
I found that courage in the form of my family and my friends. I spent 2 years writing a blog about our adventures in China. It turned into a blog about my personal growth and discovery in China. And, people I had not heard from in decades contacted me to say that my blogs meant something to them, touched them in some way, encouraged them, made them laugh or just brought some quiet relief to their day. After hearing again and again that I should write a book, two friends reached out to me. The first offered to help me with an editor. The second is a talented screenwriter. I found the courage to ask for their help.
And now that it is 2014, I am so pleased that I find myself in a place where I have more control over my life. I feel a sense of pride in what I do. I feel that I am making a difference in a small way. I now feel that the struggles I fought have meaning. I have meaning.
Could this year ahead that I imagine in my mind be a real possibility? I don’t know. But, do I think about it almost every day and I have 365 days to make it happen. Maybe the shrink is right (and you know I don’t want to admit it) — there are no bad experiences, just good material.
The Assignment . . . At The Crossroads
February 2013
Shanghai
I guess this is turning into a series called “The Assignment.” My executive coach gave me an assignment — a mission, really. And, I chose to accept it.
First, I had to look back at 2012 and fill in the blanks: “it actually was a very good year after all . . . and, now, I am so pleased that . . .” Yes, it seemed like the perfect opening for sarcasm and drivel but I took the assignment seriously. The result was a fair amount of anger mixed with an attempt to find the silver lining. Yeah, I know. What a sap.
The second assignment was the same as the first except the view is from 2014 and I am looking back on 2013. I approached this assignment imagining what I
could do, if I wasn’t afraid. I would write. I would try to publish what I write. I would try to be more than I am now.
Well, now there is another assignment and as long as we’ve gone this far together, why not go a bit further? So, this is the third in “The Assignment” series. Truth is that writing is how I think best or maybe it is just how I get shit out of my head. I don’t know really. But, it has fewer calories than french fries, so here we go. The questions below are from my coach — I almost feel like an athlete!
1. What reaction does each assignment evoke in you as you read it? What does that tell you?
Looking back on 2012, my reaction is “WTF?” Seriously, my reaction is “WTF?” And that comes with plenty of anger, fear, frustration and self-doubt. I had extremely high expectations when I came to China, for me and for our family. They weren’t realized. I force myself to find the silver linings, intellectually I know they are there but I do not feel them. That is not to say that I have not had moments of joy and happiness. But if asked “How was 2012?” I am reminded of my beloved Queen Elizabeth and her “Annus Horribilis.”
Looking back at 2013, my reaction is wistful. 2013 reflects what I wish to be not what I am today. My reaction is “pretender.” This is what I want to be, what I probably always wanted to be but never had the nerve. A writer. Still, the reaction is more hopeful. Hopeful that I can actually find it within myself to do something so completely out of the box and regain my freedom. But, doubt lingers.
What does it tell me? Not sure. But, clearly, it is supposed to tell me something. These two years represent polar opposites – so does it tell me that I am bi-polar? I think it tells me that, at this moment today, I am able to see only the extremes. I am able to feel only the extremes. The middle ground is not something in my purview . . . at this moment. But, it is also honest. Very honest. I don’t want to continue on the path that I have been on. I want to do something that makes me feel worthy.
2. As you choose where and on what to focus your thoughts, how does that change you?
The obvious answer to this question seems to be that it changes your attitude, your perspective — and in changing your attitude and perspective, you give yourself the opportunity to change.
When I focus on the future and not the past, I am scared. When I focus on the past and not the future, I am angry. I would rather be scared than angry because being scared means that I have the opportunity to be courageous. Being angry means I am stuck. I want to choose to be courageous.
Choosing to face what scares me has the potential to change me, my life, completely. Or, it gives me the opportunity to change myself, or maybe just be myself.
3. As you reflect on the “bad” experiences, what happens if you ask “What for?” vs. “Why me?”
You move from victim to champion.
Asking “what for” lets you take back control. In other words, this was meant to happen because I needed to grow in some way, it opened a door that would not have opened otherwise, it gave me the opportunity to overcome, to learn, to share.
Asking “why me” allows me to wallow. I’ve been doing a fair amount of wallowing recently, though it has been peppered with self-reflection in an effort to determine “what’s next?”
4. We judge our experiences based upon how we frame them. More often than not we are totally unaware of that framing process. So we don’t get to see that we are making a choice, and that how we make that choice defines the experience for us. Does this resonate with you? If so, what options does that create for you?
I understand that how we frame things often informs our conclusions. I am, or was at one time, a trial lawyer so I’ve had some practice framing things in a professional capacity. In my personal life, however, it is very different. I am aware of my tendency to frame things in a negative way — I am reminded of that small boy on the back of the Polar Express “Christmas just doesn’t work out for me” — I get that.
If I can consciously focus on choosing to frame the experiences of the past year in a more constructive way, then I can learn from them, use them as examples of things that I have overcome, find strength in knowing that I did not only survive those experiences but that, despite the difficulties encountered, I accomplished more than was expected. Indeed, I succeeded.
5. Do you really think you are a slow learner? Or are there a few areas in your life where you have not been paying as much attention as you could? If so, what might be possible if you chose to pay more attention to those areas?
I do actually see myself as a slow learner. Perhaps, the reason I see myself as a slow learner is because I feel that I have allowed people to take advantage of me, my skills, my abilities for their own gain. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
There are areas in my life that I have not paid attention to for years. I have personal demons I should have dealt with years ago. I am dealing with them now. I have neglected my self worth — actual neglect. In my thoughts about myself and in seeking the financial rewards I believe I deserve, I have done nothing to secure those rewards or change those thoughts. Others ask for rewards and, often, get them. I would never ask; it never even occurred to me.
If I paid attention to these areas of neglect, I could improve my outlook if not my financial circumstances. I am not someone who wants to be a millionaire. I am someone who wants to provide comfortably for her family and also have time to enjoy them. If I focused more on the things holding me back from this, I might be able to find happiness.
6. What would need to change in order for you to pay more attention to those areas? (Be aware of your framing as you answer this one. We tend to frame even our framing.)
Stop defining myself based upon the views of other people. I think this is why I keep repeating the same pattern — being fiercely loyal and helping others advance on my work. I do that because I want them to value me because if they don’t value me, then I don’t have value.
Lighten up. Just let it go.
7. I see the 2013 version of your looking back framing your options as an “either/or” scenario. Either you continue to evolve your career or you leave and focus on building your voice and reach. Does it have to be “either/or”? Is it possible there could be an “and/with” scenario?
• Extremes. I am at extremes at this point. No denying it.
• Is there a middle ground? Yes, but finding it is harder than I expected.
• I believe somewhere deep down that I can evolve my “career” while building my voice.
• The Salt Mine, though, I think not. I’m not that nice a person or that forgiving.
Now What?
March 2013
Siem Reap, Cambodia
Effective March 1st, I “completed” my assignment in China, 14 months earlier than expected. I guess I was simply too efficient. And, still, I feel so much is not yet done. There is so much to do. So much more that I want to do.
We have been privileged to travel to many beautiful and developing nations. The wonders in these countries are unlike any I have seen elsewhere. Our children have seen more of the world in their short lives than we ever expected they would see in an entire lifetime. And, these countries are truly wondrous. Both in their sites and their people.
I find myself not wanting to leave this part of the world. Not yet, at least. I feel a shift happening here and I want to witness it and even, in some small way, enable it. These countries and their people are moving from centuries-old traditions into the 21st century. But not everyone is prepared, not everyone is able to make the leap, not everyone has the means to make the change.
This is the space I want to play in for a bit. I want to witness that change, participate in it. I have no delusions of grandeur. But I do have Facebook. And, I am impressed with the Gates Foundation, the Clinton Foundation, and organizations like Vital Voices, Women Under Siege and so many others working to make the world a better place.
I have been fortunate. I am not wealthy. I barely have a savings account. We ch
ose to show our children the world and it cost a bit of money. There will be money for college. As my Father says, things have a way of working out. I sometimes worry about not having a designated college fund but I have a house and it can be sold, if it is ever worth anything again. Still, we are privileged, more than privileged compared to most people on this planet.
Now what? For me, it will be about giving, contributing and doing something bigger than myself for someone other than myself. In what can only be described as chance circumstances, an opportunity to give back presented itself. It is, more accurately, a nugget of an idea that I am nurturing, but an opportunity begins the same way as a tree — from an acorn, a seed, a nugget of an idea. I have created my own opportunities before and I am hoping to do it again.
I am anxious about the next few weeks. It is an odd thing to be asked to spend a month teaching someone to do your job. A job that, in some ways, has been taken from you just when things were clicking. But that is what I have been asked to do, so I will do it and do it well. I will be on the road or in the sky heading to Australia, Thailand, the Philippines and then the States. And, then what?
I don’t yet know to be honest. It may not be what I expect or even hope for at this very moment, but in time, I will get to where I am going. I do not want to leave my home and return to my house. Home is where my soul mate and our children rest their heads. One of my next several planes will take me to my house and away from my home but eventually we will come back together.
With some luck, I’ll also be able to answer the question: “Now what?”
Choice and Power
March 2013
Melbourne, Australia
I was among my Australia team or, I should say, my former team. My purpose was to introduce the new leader and step off the stage. By late afternoon, the path to my door was worn, and I was overwhelmed. I never expected anyone to take the time to find out where I was sitting in the maze that is the Melbourne office complex, but they did. It required effort. You could not have stumbled upon me.
Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me Page 21