The first email suggested not so subtly that I had been given a ‘gift’ of an extra month in China while I played Tour Guide Barbie to the Interloper. Are you kidding me? Seriously, dragging my ass around Southeast Asia as the opening act for the Interloper is not exactly a gift. I am working my tail off (when I am not drinking too much wine in Australia) and I am not seeing my kids or Jack. Gone for 9 days, land at 10 p.m. on Sunday night and back in the car at 6:15 a.m. the next morning to head to Thailand for 4 more days. Joy.
My reply was not charming: “I understand that I am just a Global ID Number to the Salt Mine but I am a mother to my children and a wife to my husband and a human being. We are taking a family vacation April 1 to 8 for Easter Break. I will be in the office no later than April 15th. I find it hard to believe that the Salt Mine can’t live without me for a few days.”
The second email came from human resources reminding me that the “terms” of my repatriation required my return by April 1st. Wrong.
My reply was even less charming than the first: “Technically, I am not repatriating until June 30th. My family will remain in China based upon my China work visa. Accordingly, I remain an employee of Salt Mine, China Limited until June 30th. Nothing requires me to return to the States by April 1st. Furthermore, the ‘terms’ of my original contract state that my assignment is for 3 years not 2 years. Again, I will be in the States no later than April 15th.”
The third email suggested that I take the extra days after my family vacation as more vacation. I decided not to respond. I made my point.
The Salt Mine no longer dictates to me or controls my life. It is ridiculous that it ever got to this point. I am responsible for teaching the Salt Mine to treat me this way. I failed to set boundaries, or honor the boundaries that I tried to set. Why? Because I didn’t think I was valuable unless the Salt Mine decided that I was valuable. Unsettling to say the least.
To be honest, I could not believe that I had the courage to push back so hard. But, I guess I have just reached my limit. Well, I reached it some time ago and, now, I just don’t care. I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me any longer. It has taken me 30 years, therapy, medication, and two “break downs” but I am finally beginning to feel like “me” again.
And, my soul is on fire.
Pool Talk
April 2013
Cebu, Philippines
You never know where opportunity will find you or you it. Today, opportunity was talking to our children at the infinity pool under the Cebu sun. Two amazing women just chatting with our son and daughter. Next thing you know, I have met two amazing and incredibly accomplished women who are in the Philippines with the organization Opportunity International. They are here to change lives.
The title of Opportunity International’s fundraising campaign speaks volumes: “Invest in one woman. Empower many.” They “provide microfinance loans, savings, insurance and training to over four million people working their way out of poverty in the developing world.” Now, that is something worth doing. Don’t you think? [Check it out: www.opportunity.org]
What really intrigued me is the notion that by investing in one woman you will empower many. Investing in women means that you are investing in their children and their communities. When you give women a loan, they use it differently than men — a higher percentage of women than men will use the proceeds to benefit their families and communities, making the world better for all.
It was just yesterday that I was writing about the semantics of equality and not letting that stop progress. Debate is great. I love debate. Hell, I’m a lawyer. I live on debate. But, filibuster I don’t love. Opportunity International has a “one woman” philosophy that, frankly, makes the business case for women. What do I mean?
Often when you talk to multi-national corporations about investing in women or empowering women, whether it is within their halls or via funding for outside organizations devoted to developing and empowering woman, you hear that it is “something that is nice to do” but not essential or core to the business. In other words, where is the business case? Women are the business case.
If you require proof, take a look at the research. Large businesses with women on their board of directors outperform business that have all male boards. Outperform. By how much? By 26%. [Source: “Gender Diversity and Corporate Performance,” a report by Credit Suisse Research Institute, August 2012]
Women have different life experiences than men. Women have a wider lens than men. Women care about issues that men don’t care about, or don’t care about in the same passionate way that women care about them. Women share in a different way. Women care about the economy and can debate the nuances of the North Korean rhetoric as well as any man, but they also care about children, human trafficking, and poverty in ways that men do not and this perspective is important for every business.
Businesses that continue to believe that empowering women is “nice to do” but not a “must do” will lose. It may not happen in the next 10 years but it will happen. Why? Because women are becoming more empowered across the globe and they will remember who helped them. Invest in one woman, empower many. Don’t get left behind.
Cebu in the Springtime
April 2013
Cebu, Philippines
Me, the sun and the waves. French music playing (I Love Paris . . .). A slight breeze off the ocean brings the smell of the sand and salt. The sun has just risen and there is no one here but me and you.
The sun brings with it the final day of our springtime holiday in Cebu and the start of the transition back to our reality. Spring is a time of renewal. I am hopeful that it will bring something new. But, hope alone won’t make that happen any more than the turning of the page on the calendar will make the snow stop falling in Minnesota in April. If I want my spring to flourish, I must toil in the dirt, water the planted seeds and pick the weeds that inevitably will seek to strangle this new growth.
In front of me is an endless sea with no shore in view. We are far from family and friends. And, yet we are closer than we have ever been to each other. Looking out over the seemingly limitless ocean, hope swells. A sea of opportunity perhaps? Like my garden, sailing that sea will require focus and dedication. Rough waters, unpredictable winds and a disgruntled crew can easily sink a ship.
Uncertainty.
Few of us like to face the future without a map. We like to know where we are going, our course charted. I am mindful that our children have been living with a level of uncertainty and change for many, many months now. The winter was cold and unkind. We step into spring in a sort of paradise, abundant with sun, water and natural harmony. Enjoying each moment as it comes. Still, the hard work of spring remains ahead.
I will till the soil and watch over my seeds. Will the seeds yield an abundant harvest? Eventually. I must be careful to balance my desire for renewal with our children’s desire for certainty, stability.
I feel in some way that we have come full circle. Our journey began with tremendous uncertainty, trepidation and excitement. We are ending this chapter and beginning the next in the same way. We are all brimming with fear and excitement, disappointment and expectation, sorrow and yearning.
The winter was colder and longer than we expected. It left scars on each of us. Cebu has warmed our bodies and thawed much of the ice in our hearts. Our scars are fading and transforming into lessons. We are ready, if not prepared, for the journey ahead. We will take the next steps together, and now we know what together means. We are undaunted by the journey because we know — we are certain — one of us will carry the other when necessary along the way. From our perch in paradise, the sea appears calm but we know storms lie ahead. Still, we press on.
Perhaps you will press on with us. I hope so.
____________________
EPILOGUE
Tempest: a violent storm with high winds, especially one accompanied by rain, hail, or snow; a violent outburst; tumult. An old poet might say “to agitate violently.” And, of course
, Shakespeare put a human face on the storm.
I believe we all have a rising storm inside of us. Every individual cares passionately for and about some thing, some issue, some cause, some person, some something. My journey over these past 24 months has led me to that something. It has awakened the inner tempest and I can feel the gathering storm swell within me. Sometimes, the tempest will not stir until poked. Poking the tempest can be a dangerous game to play.
Once awoken, the tempest can be unpredictable. I feel the swirling winds inside and around me. The storm that has been brewing within me also seems to be brewing within others. And now, the storm is rising, elevating and preparing to overwhelm those who fail to see her growing strength. Poking the tempest can be a noble cause.
The conversation has started, the debate begun. But where this particular tempest will finally land is yet to be determined. It can be exhilarating to watch the storm roll in over calm, safe and distant waters. It is safer on the shore. There, the storm is nothing but a beautiful confluence of color, light and sound.
Though seemingly safe, the shore can be nothing more than a harbor for complacency, or worse. Those on shore often watch the tempest swirl and fail to catch the wind themselves. Others try to fight the tempest, out-maneuver her, protect against her or capture her and put her in a teapot.
The tempest within me cannot be tamed so easily. The tempest will not settle; she will not calm herself. She wants to rage, to fight. The friction of the storm, while often seen as destructive, can indeed bring new life. I am hopeful that the tempest raging within will reveal a new path, ignite a new light.
The constant battle within soon will cease. The raging tempest is taking flight. She will wander the world as she has these past months gathering her courage, finding her voice. The path cannot be predicted and, even if it could, I would not ask for the map. It would destroy all the fun. A tempest once poked is forever undone.
My journey continues. You can find me, wherever I may be, at www.pinkstreakink.us
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
How do you say thank you when words are too clumsy a tool to convey the depth of your emotion? You pay it forward. For all of those who have helped me along the way, I will pay it forward. The joy found in paying it forward will make me smile, laugh and rejoice in the journey, which each of you played a part in making possible for me.
“Jack, Jane, Henry and Bella” made the journey possible by keeping me whole when I was dropping pieces of myself all over Southeast Asia, and providing so much useful material. Mom and Dad, I don’t want to say beyond Mom and Dad — you help lift me up. Bill and Nancy, you raised a man capable of loving me and I will be forever indebted to you.
Deirdre Joy Smith started a chain reaction of connections that gave me the courage and inspiration to share my story. Thank you, Deirdre. And, thank you to Gail Evans, Selena Rezvani, Gail Romero and John Williams.
Bob Kantor shook me by the shoulders (virtually) and knocked sense back into me when I needed someone not related by blood or marriage to tell me that I was worthy. You helped me find my voice and push out the clutter that kept me from taking the first step. Thank you for your honest and candid feedback and for pushing me beyond my self-imposed limits.
Whitney Foard Small inspired me to write by showing me that it could be done. Everyone needs a buddy. Thanks for being my buddy and guiding me through a difficult transition. You have the potential to be a world-class mixologist (if you desire to follow that path) and you are already a mighty fine human being! I love you.
Janet Hanson gave me a voice by sending my blog to Forbes.com. As I write this, I have not come face-to-face with you, which is a testament to the pay-it-forward concept. You offered a helping hand simply because you could and you chose to help me. Madeleine Albright would be so proud of you, Janet. You are an inspiration and the best example of how women can help empower other women. Grateful is an understatement.
Tim Quinlan. Shared experience. Thank you for taking my call and providing such great advice — legal and otherwise. Paolo Mazzucato. A voice from my past, an inspiration and a friend who can never be replaced. Thank you for telling me I had a voice.
Killeen Mullen — Big girl panties. Barbara Lentz — amazing weekends in Winston Salem filled with wisdom, margaritas and s’mores. Andrea Ferrard — from Belgium to Atlanta — you’ve been there for me. Love you all. And, I love you Ben and Harry too. I didn’t forget you, Mike Smith, thanks for lending me Barb, cooking, making a “camp fire” and letting me hang out!
Sue and Scott Radeker introduced me to the wonders of Bourbon on the rooftop deck and showed me how to navigate IKEA. What more can you ask? Nigel and Joanna Price listened to me complain and drank good wine with Jack and me. Nigel, thanks for all those wonderful meals. Time around the table with food, wine and friends was never as good as with all of you — thank you!
Lisa Wilder, my editor, thank you for your patience and keen eye. Randa Mansour, my illustrator — WOW! Roman Jeil, my ebook expert, I would have been lost without you and Whitney Foard Small. Technology is not my thing.
A special thanks to Dr. Liqun Hu, Yolanda Wang and the women in Nanjing. Thank you Kim Bowden-Adair, Donna Crawley, Sarah Harty, Susie Bradfield, Sophia Chong, Ronna Luo, Yota Baron and Mag Dvonch. JMo, KShaughn & Sullivan, there are no words. You helped me see that I have a passion, that I am worthy, that I am more than what others would have me believe. Thank you for letting me into your lives and sharing yours with me.
Fife — thanks for documenting our journey in China and in life. You are my world.
And, finally, Delta Airlines. While that first trip was difficult, you carried me and our family around the globe countless times. And despite a rough start, you were on-time, your pilots and crew were professional and helpful, and we arrived at every destination safe and sound. We still fly Delta today!
Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me Page 25