"Hey, you okay?"
I shook my head slowly, eyes filling with tears. "What if she was? What if I'm pushing my parents and Jeremy to talk about something as horrific as their daughter, our sister, dying in a fire? They managed to get me and Jeremy out, perhaps they couldn't get to Evelyn."
His eyes widened. "Shh, don't do that. I didn't mean closer than a friend. It's just one possibility that, right now, is completely unfounded. Please don't beat yourself up and feel guilty over something that is probably untrue."
"You're right, but what if she was my sister?"
"I don't know, Scarlett. I really think you should talk to your parents."
I shook my head. "No. No way they would hold that back. I know them and they would never pretend a child they had didn't exist. Also, Jeremy would have asked about her growing up and he didn't."
"Exactly. She couldn't have been their daughter. You need to speak to your parents."
I nodded. "I know." It just wasn't that easy.
Scarlett
"HI, SCARLETT," BETHAN said, pushing a plate of cookies towards me and Noah.
"Hey. Thanks," I replied, taking one with a big cluster of chocolate chips on top and trying not to yawn. Since I started dreaming - always the same ones - I've been tired almost all of the time. Every night I'd wake up in the early hours, sweating over seeing flames and feeling emotionally drained over worrying who Evelyn was and why Mum was never herself.
This morning, I'd jumped awake when flames encased Evelyn, she still looked at me and then followed Jeremy through the fire until I couldn't see either of them anymore. I was terrified and panting and knew there was no way I would get back to sleep whether it was five in the morning or not.
No matter where I was or what I was doing, something brought me back to her. Any little girl with a similar shade of light brown hair and big blue eyes would shoot Evelyn to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day. It was too irrational to feel...close to someone I couldn't remember. I had no idea who Evelyn was but I knew she was important and that I cared about her.
Noah sat on the stool beside me, leaning over so our arms were touching. I loved it when he did that.
I was completely healed and just in time for school to start up again. I was still going crazy over not remembering but Noah said when he thought I was completely better he'd try to help. Right now I was just enjoying spending time with him and seeing my friends again. I wanted to be normal for a while and not let Evelyn consume my thoughts.
"How was school?" Bethan asked.
"It was alright," Noah replied. "What's for dinner?"
"Casserole. Are you staying, Scarlett?"
"If that's okay?"
Bethan smiled, leaning on the counter. "Of course it is. It's strange when you are not here."
Yeah, me and Noah were joined at the hip, but I was pretty sure he was my future husband, so I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.
"You should let her stay over then," Noah said, stroking his hand up and down my back.
Bethan smirked. "Nice try."
I wondered how long before they would let us stay over at each other's. It would be so cool to wake up and at least be in the same house as him. But I doubted that was happening before I was eighteen.
"Anyway, we have to go," Noah said.
"Shopping, right?" Bethan asked.
"Yes," he replied. "We'll try to be back for dinner unless Scarlett can't find the right shade of lipstick, then we'll be late."
I narrowed my eyes at him as he winked. He knew I didn't even wear lipstick. What he didn't know, though, was that we weren't going shopping. I was taking control of my memory problem and trying something that wouldn't hurt my parents. They were a last resort.
After the sleepless nights had rolled on, I knew writing my dreams down wasn't helping. I never saw anything new when I was asleep. I had the same dreams over and over. What I needed was professional help, so I'd made an appointment.
"Alright, that's fine. I'll save you some if you are not back. Whatever happens remember to have Scarlett home by nine, even if you are later."
He nodded. "Always." We wouldn't be back that late, though. Noah was so strict when it came to getting me home on time. He was determined to respect my parents' rules and not lose their trust. It was sweet and a lot easier than Imogen and her ex where her parents hated him.
Noah took my hand as we walked to the bus stop, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. "Are you feeling better?" he asked.
"Yeah, all that hurts is my ribs if I twist suddenly or lift something too heavy. The rest of me is fine."
"That's good. And don't lift anything heavy."
"You sound like my dad. I won't."
Noah looked at the timetable and frowned. "I thought you said the bus was at three forty-five?"
"It is."
"Not one that goes into town."
"Yeah, we're not actually getting that one."
His eyebrow arched. "Which one are we getting?"
"Can you just get on it and not ask until we're there? Trust me."
He bent forwards and kissed me. "Alright."
The fact that Noah trusted so completely and wholeheartedly was one of the things I loved most about him.
"Thank you."
He wrapped me in his arms as we waited. I felt so safe when I was with him. The rest of my life and the people in it were messy and I didn't know what or who to trust. But when it came to him, I was sure.
The bus turned up five minutes later and we got on, sitting near the back. Noah picked my legs up and put them over his, rubbing circles on my knee the way he did with my knuckles.
"You know for someone who's never had a girlfriend before you're pretty pro at it."
He smiled. "You make it easy."
I think my heart actually melted into a puddle. For the rest of the ride, we sat in perfect, comfortable silence.
"So, why are we here?" he asked as we got off the bus on the opposite side to the high streets and shops.
"I have an appointment."
"I'm not a mind reader, babe, I'm going to need more than that." He slung his arm over my shoulder as we walked along the outskirts of town.
It was mid-May and it'd just started to warm up. Fresh green leaves blossomed on the trees and colourful flowers popped out of the ground. I loved spring. But then I found at least five things I loved about every season. Noah still held me as close to him as he did through the end of winter.
"Well, my plan to write down what I see when I'm asleep isn't working."
He gave me a sympathetic smile. "I didn't think so, you've not mentioned it at all."
"It was frustrating. But I think I've found someone, she's a therapist, Dr Pain."
"Come on!" He laughed.
"Would be funnier if she were a doctor and not a therapist."
She was more of a hypnotist, but I thought telling Noah that would make him think I was totally crazy. I wasn't crazy. I was desperate.
"Ah, your therapist. Do I drive you insane?"
"Yes, but that's not why I'm going to see her. I'm trying to get my memory back, as I might've mentioned once or twice before, so I can figure out if those weird dreams are real or not."
"I know, I'm only joking. Do you think she's going to tell you if they're real or not?"
"I don't know. That's what I'm hoping she can help with." At this point I knew the fire and Evelyn were real, I dreamt of them the most. The rest I wasn't sure about.
"Well, it seems like a good idea. I think you should do whatever it takes to remember, if that is what you want, but why the secrecy?"
I stopped walking, forcing Noah to as well. The warm breeze blew his short light brown hair. His eyes looked even bluer in direct sunlight. I was lucky to have him. We'd not been together all that long but I trusted him, relied on him, and he never let me down. I should've told him last week when I made the appointment. I owed him that.
"I'm sorry. My parents and Jeremy don't li
ke talking about it. I can understand that, it's a tough time for them to revisit. I didn't want to tell anyone and have them talk me out of it."
Frowning deeply, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. "You never have to keep anything from me. No matter what you want to do - if it's bathing in baked beans - I'll be right behind you. On the outside of the bath, but I'll be there. I don't want any secrets, Scarlett. I want to know everything about you."
"Every couple has secrets."
He blinked twice before replying, "Not us."
"You have secrets."
"You can ask me anything and I'll tell you," he said.
"Why haven't you tried getting in my pants yet?"
It bothered me. Now I so wasn't ready for that yet but I still wanted him to want me in that way. It was stupid and a bit irrational. He knew I didn't want to yet but here I was questioning why he hadn't tried.
He arched his eyebrow. "This isn't temporary for me so I want to do this right. We're a big deal. Sex means something. It means a lot."
I felt like I was floating. Smirking, I said, "You still haven't answered my question."
His eyes glittered with humour. "You really know how to kill a moment. I haven't tried anything because you're not ready. But please let me know the second you are." He slapped my butt, grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction I was leading us.
I gave Noah the address and we followed the street until we came to 7D.
"Her office is next to KFC," I said. "Perfect."
He turned his nose up, not liking the idea of fast food. "You'll regret eating that rubbish one day."
"I doubt it, Mr Health Kick."
Noah pushed the door open and we walked inside. The building was tiny, wedged between KFC and a Post Office. A gold-coated plaque beside the door saying 'Dr Pain' was all that gave away what was inside.
"Hello, can I help you?" a plump woman behind a small mahogany desk asked.
"Um, yeah. I'm Scarlett Garner. I have an appointment with Dr Pain at four thirty."
She looked at her screen and smiled. "Have a seat, fill this form in, and I'll let her know you're here."
I took the sheet of paper and pen. "Thank you."
Noah led me to the leather seats in the corner of the room. "Do you want me to come in with you or wait out here?" he asked as I filled the paperwork in.
"I don't know," I replied, rapidly ticking boxes and giving a brief description of what was wrong in the tiny space they'd allowed.
Part of me wanted him there. I was nervous and he always made that better, but I also wanted to talk without anyone else around. I didn't want Noah's opinions swaying Dr Pain. Not that I thought a professional would side with a teenage boy and tell me I was just having normal dreams like everyone else, but I wanted her to hear only my side before she made up her mind.
"I'll do whatever you want, Scarlett," he said, squeezing my knee.
"Why do I feel so nervous?"
He shrugged. "Don't be. Should I wait here and if you need me you can come and get me?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Miss Garner," a super-tall lady said from beside the reception desk just as I'd signed the bottom of the form. Me and Noah were the only ones in here. I gave his hand a squeeze before letting go and standing up. "Hello, I'm Dr Pamela Pain, please come through."
"Thank you," I said, giving Noah a fleeting smile over my shoulder.
I sat down on a massive, high-back leather sofa as instructed and Pamela sat on a smaller chair beside me.
"What brings you here today?" she asked.
"Well," I said, shifting in my seat. "When just before I was four I lost my memory and it never came back."
"And you want it back?"
I nodded. "I was recently in a car accident and as I was waking up, I remembered things. I'm not really sure what it all was, just parts, like broken memories. But it could just have been weird dreams. I guess I want your help to try and figure out what it was."
She nodded once, her chin-length bob falling in her face. Tucking her hair behind her ears, only to have it drop out again, she replied, "We can certainly try but first can you tell me a little more about how you lost your memory and what you saw when you were waking."
I told her everything I remembered in detail. She said very little, only stopping me occasionally to ask for additional information.
"Okay, well, we can certainly try to tap into the lost memories but there is no guarantee, Scarlett. I have to make you aware of that. The brain is a very complex thing and occasionally pieces of information are lost forever. There is a possibility that this is one of those instances, especially since it has been so long."
I sat on my hands, too eager despite what she said. "But there's a chance it might work and I'm willing to try. If you are, of course."
"Absolutely," she said, holding her hands out. "Lay back against the seat and we'll get to work."
"Right now?"
"Unless you'd like to do something else for the last fifteen minutes?"
I shook my head and laid back. "This could really only take fifteen minutes?"
"Potentially. Usually, it takes longer but we should get something, a glimmer of hope for future sessions. Are you ready, Scarlett?"
"Yes," I replied with a weak voice.
"Okay, please close your eyes and relax your muscles."
I felt stupid but I did what she said. Her voice was soft and soothing, exactly what you'd expect, and I felt almost instantly sleepy.
"I want you imagine yourself as a three-year-old child, you know nothing of the fire that took your memory."
I did that, picturing myself just a little bit younger than I looked in the photos we had at home.
"You're playing with your brother," she said.
I instantly aged in my head, to around four-years-old and I was playing the Hungry Hippos board game.
"I can't see that far back with him. There's nothing there."
"Okay, shh," she said, placing her hand over mine as I scrunched my eyes and tried to force myself to think further back. "Relax, Scarlett. Leave Jeremy and go back to the start. You're three, almost a full year before the fire. Where are you?"
"I'm nowhere, there's just white around me, like those models in photo frames."
"Alright. Take that girl and put her in the park with Evelyn." I did that. I was in the park with Evelyn but the image was blurry, flickering and unreliable. It didn't happen.
"What're you doing in the park?"
"Nothing, I'm watching her run with Jeremy."
"No, you're seeing your dream, Scarlett. Take Jeremy away. You and Evelyn are on the swings. You're laughing and having fun. Keep that image in your head. Keep playing with her and tell me when there's a change."
There wasn't a change. Not one that happened naturally that would help. The only change was Evelyn getting up and running off with Jeremy. I kept seeing that one image play over and over. It was the only memory that I knew happened; the rest was what she planted but it couldn't fool me into linking it to something real.
Pamela ended our session when my time was up, and I could tell she was as deflated as I was, she clearly didn't like when she couldn't do anything. It wasn't going to work. There was nothing there. Maybe if I remembered more, she might be able to help me piece everything back together, but right now all I had was a three-second snippet of Evelyn running with my brother.
"Why don't you see how things go and if you want to try again give me a call?"
I nodded and faked smiled. "Thank you."
Noah stood up as I walked back into reception. He saw my expression and his face fell. "It didn't go well then?"
Shaking my head, I took his hand and led him outside, thanking the receptionist as we left. "Didn't work, nothing happened. I don't know where to go from here, so can we forget it and walk for a little while before we catch the bus?"
"Of course," he replied, pulling me tight against his side and kissing the top of my head.
I SHOVED A bad thought out of my head before I did the same thing Jonathan and Marissa had done years ago and took Scarlett away. Since she got home from the hospital, Dad had been agonising over a decision to tell Donald and Fiona about the accident or not.
Dad tapped his fingertips on his desk and peered up at me. "Do you know what you are going to do yet?" I asked anxiously.
"I believe so. When Donald calls tonight, I plan to tell them about the car accident. I do wonder if this will make them move faster, though."
I swallowed audibly. "Right."
"She could have been killed and if she had... Well, I'm just saying I think they will want to get her to Ireland as soon as they can, fearing something else could happen at any minute."
I rubbed my jaw and closed my eyes. I needed longer. It couldn't happen soon. She had so much left to do; it was unfair. Even though we'd spent almost all of our free time together, texting or on the phone, I didn't know her enough. I didn't know what it was like to wake up beside her. I didn't expect to be allowed to sleep beside her with the short time we'd have together, but I still wanted it.
"They can't," I said. "Not by too much anyway."
"Noah, they can do what they want if they think it is in our best interest."
"Yes, I know that, but I mean that her parents probably aren't going to let her out of their sight for a while, she's recovering and I don't know if she would willingly come with me yet. I don't think risking taking her without her permission would be a good idea. How would we get her on the ferry? She would cause a scene."
I watched Dad's frown subside as he absorbed what I'd said. Come on, Dad, side with me.
"I agree," he finally said. "When I speak to them, I will let them know our fears but you know as well as I that the decision on this one is theirs. Being her parents grants them a much larger claim over her than the rest of us."
"I'm sure they will see continuing with the original plan is the best idea. They don't want this to go wrong either and it's already so dangerous."
He nodded once. "I'm sure you are right."
Thank you.
"Do you need me any longer?"
"Are you planning on visiting Scarlett?" he asked.
"I am."
He tilted his head towards the door. "Send our wishes."
"Will do," I replied, leaving his office and heading straight out of the door.
Awake Page 6