Misjudged
Page 13
He nods and his smile is tight. Is that it? He’s not going to tell me anything else? I have so many questions, so many things I want to know. “I’m gonna go and catch some sleep. You look like you could use some yourself,” he says, while stifling a yawn.
“I’m sorry for ruining your first official gig last night,” I say sadly, as he takes off his jacket. “I’m sorry ...” I don’t usually get tearful, but under these circumstances it’s impossible to avoid.
“Hey, come on,” he walks over with concern evident in his eyes, as he puts his arms around me and pulls me in for hug. “We’re just glad you’re okay,” he whispers with a sigh as he rubs my back gently before releasing his hold.
He throws his keys on top of the coffee table, before heading over to his room.
After leaving the dorm I walk for a while, and before I know it, I’ve reached Beck Hill. It’s starting to rain and I’m really wishing I’d worn a jacket, although I’m actually finding it quite refreshing and the temperature is pretty mild today.
My mom’s headstone is in the cemetery just around the corner from here. I haven’t been to visit her since before Christmas break, so I decide to pick up some flowers from the florist that’s just on the corner of the street.
We used to live not so far from here before she died. My dad found it too difficult to stay in Seattle once she’d passed, hence the move to Salem a couple of months after her funeral. I need somewhere to gather my thoughts, and there isn’t a more peaceful place than being beside my mom.
Calla lilies were her favorite and my face lit up when I saw a nice bouquet of them over by the counter. The little old lady who owns the small store is very sweet and reminds me a lot of my grandma, on my dad’s side of the family.
I don’t keep in touch with any family members on my mom’s side. In fact, I’ve never met any of them. When my mom told them she was expecting a baby, her mother and father demanded that she wasn’t to go through with the pregnancy. They even went as far as to book her into a private clinic because they thought they could sway her decision.
Not only did my mom give up her dream of acting so that she could stay at home and raise me, she also gave up the rest of her family that day. My mom was one remarkable woman and I feel so honored to have been her daughter.
Sitting down beside her gravestone, I remove the flowers I’d placed there before I went to my fathers for the holidays, and replace them with the blooming bouquet I now have in my hands.
A few sobs escape from me when I think back to how stupid I was last night. What the hell was I thinking, accepting a drink from a stranger? I should have known better, my mom was a cop for crying out loud! I’d put myself at risk. Shit, I put Brandon and his freedom in jeopardy from my foolishness.
I hadn’t even realized I’d been talking out loud and find myself repeatedly saying sorry to her for screwing up so bad. I tell her about my father gifting me the theatre tickets and how much I wish she were still here so we could go together. It doesn’t feel right going without her, and so I’ve decided not to use them. After a little while, I tell her about Brandon.
Up until this point, I didn’t realize just how much I care about him. I knew I was attracted to him, but after seeing the way he was last night and… My thoughts are interrupted by the rain that’s beginning to fall heavier, and I notice the sky is turning the blackest I’ve ever seen it before. I’ve been sitting on the grass by my mom for the last hour. I guess it’s time to head back before the storm sets in.
Hurrying down the pathway and towards the exit gates, I halt when I catch a glimpse of Brandon to my right. He’s approximately ten feet away from me and sitting on the grass, leaning his head against a bright white headstone with his eyes closed. He’s still wearing the clothes he wore last night. Has he been here all night?
It suddenly occurs to me why he’s here and who he’s visiting, which makes my stomach roll and my heart bleed for him. I’m not sure whether I should check to see if he’s okay or leave him in peace. He’s bound to be upset with me, and I wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.
As if being wrongly accused of the possession and dealing of illegal drugs, and then being put in jail wasn’t bad enough, they tried to blame him for his girlfriend’s death on top of all that. My throat constricts and I heave a deep sigh, before deciding that it’s probably best to leave.
Upon approaching the gates, I turn back one last time and am startled to find he’s now standing and staring right at me. I just want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay, but I realize it won’t help him in any way. I know what it feels like, to lose someone you care about, but he’s been through so much more than I can ever possibly imagine.
He doesn’t seem affected by the current weather conditions as he walks slowly in my direction, with his head hanging down low. I look to the ground and try to get my breathing under control before he reaches me. His eyes are red and bloodshot, and it’s obvious from the bags under them that he hasn’t slept at all.
“Brandon I …” I try to tell him how sorry I am, about everything, but he lifts his hand up as if to tell me he doesn’t want to hear it. The rain is dripping from his hair and he looks completely exhausted.
He doesn’t speak, not even a word, as he comes to stand beside me. Placing his arm around my waist, he turns me around gently and we begin walking back towards the campus together in complete silence. I want to speak to him. I need to speak to him, but he doesn’t seem as though he has the energy for either talking or listening right now. He doesn’t move his arm from my waist once on the way back, and when we reach campus, he keeps it there until we arrive at the steps of his building.
“Alexis …” His voice is groggy, and his stance somewhat defeated as he turns to face me. “I can’t do this right now.” He can’t do this. I nod as my lips begin to tremble from his words. I feel like I want to cry again, but I understand.
I’m being selfish. I’m thinking of myself when I should be thinking of him and everything he has been, and still is, going through.
“I understand,” I let out a small sob and turn to walk away. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for, well, everything.” I keep my eyes away from his and head towards my building without turning back.
***
I was drenched from head to toe when I got back, so much so, that my clothes were sticking to my skin. A nice, long, hot soak in the tub has made me feel a whole lot better, and all I really want to do now is climb into my bed.
Neil and Ryan look a lot better than they did this morning, and seem to have made plans to reside in front of the widescreen for the remainder of the afternoon.
Alyssa called and practically screamed through the phone at me, after having heard about what happened when she’d left last night. After a little while, she apologized for yelling, but there wasn’t any need. She was worried and upset, just like they all were and I’m just glad I have a great group of friends that care about me as much as I care about them.
Walking from the kitchen with a steaming mug of hot cocoa, I see Neil disappearing into his room, with his cell phone pressed to his ear, and Ryan eyeing me warily from the couch.
“You really like him, don’t you?” he asks, while turning the volume down on the widescreen remote. “I can tell.”
“It doesn’t matter even if I do, Ryan,” I shrug my shoulders as I sit beside him. “But, yeah, I like him.”
He sits a little straighter in his seat, with a look of concentration in his eyes. He turns and studies me, before a bleakness washes over his face. “He likes you, too, you know.” He gives me a small smile before turning back to watch the rest of a sports show.
Hearing those words should make me feel elated, but they don’t. He’s here to clear his name and then he’ll be leaving. He lost someone special to him and it doesn’t seem like he’s had enough time to grieve.
“I’m going to lay down,” I tap Ryan’s shoulder lightly a couple of times and walk over to my room.
Neil told me. I’m here. Alex. X
He looked exhausted when I saw him earlier, so I don’t expect to get a reply right away, if at all, but it’s up to him now. The balls in his court for when he decides what he wants from me, if anything at all.
I must have drifted off to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I wake to the feel of something lightly brushing over my face. I immediately open my heavy eyes and find the room cloaked in complete darkness. I make out the outline of a figure sitting on the side of my bed next to me, which makes my pulse quicken and my body automatically bolt upright. Hastily, I switch my table lamp on and that’s when I see Brandon sitting there and watching me.
“Hey,” he whispers as he turns himself around to fully face me. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” His offers a small smile and moves himself closer towards me.
“Wake me, or scare me?” I rub my eyes as I ask. “I didn’t think you would … I mean, earlier, you said you couldn’t …” I sit myself up against my pillows. “I wasn’t expecting to wake up and see you here. How did you get in?” My voice is a little hoarse from just waking and I’m still half-asleep, so I can’t quite manage to get my words out yet.
He lets out a small chuckle so I guess my confusion amuses him. “When I said I couldn’t do this, it was because I didn’t know ...” He runs his hands over his face a couple of times and lets out a breath. “Dammit, Alexis! I didn’t know whether I wanted to thank you, scream at you, or fucking grab hold of you and squeeze you so fucking tight out of relief that you’re safe!” He sounds infuriated as he throws his arms in the air.
Thank me? Scream at me? Squeeze me? That’s quite a list of things he wanted to do to me. I feel my mouth hanging open slightly because I certainly have no idea why he would want to thank me.
“But when I went home, I kept thinking about everything and figured that it didn’t matter anyway, because the main thing is you’re here and you’re okay,” his voice is soft as his focus drops away from me and down to the floor.
“I think I’m missing something here because the last thing you should be doing is thanking me,” I sit forward and move my covers away from me as I kneel on the bed beside him. “After the way you risked being put back in a cell from my stupidity, it should be me thanking you.” My voice is finally sounding normal now.
He turns and situates himself so he’s fully sitting on my bed, and we’re facing each other again. “You told Neil about what you saw the other day. You got it all wrong, but I don’t blame you for jumping to your own conclusions, almost everybody else has. If you hadn’t told him, then I wouldn’t have him and Ryan helping me right now.”
“They’re helping you? How?” Upon realizing what he means, worry instantly floods through me. “Oh.” Neil told me it could be dangerous.
“They left around an hour ago. I called Neil a little earlier today and asked if he could go and pick something up for me. I came by to drop off the details and Ryan told me I should speak with you, so here I am.” His voice is quieter now as he lets out a sigh.
I can’t believe I haven’t said this sooner, “Neil told me about your girlfriend. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know and …” His face blanches even at the mention of her.
He shakes his head and closes his eyes before placing his hands behind the back of his neck and letting out a deep sigh. “I wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the details, Alexis.”
He reopens his eyes and brings his right arm closer to me, before brushing his fingers lightly over my knee.
“Did her drink get spiked too? Like mine? Is that why you reacted the way you did at the bar?” He closes his eyes again in response, while running his fingers through his already disheveled hair. I want to know everything that happened, so asking this question is the best place to start.
“Alexis, it was entirely my fault.” He sits himself up and inches closer to me. His eyes are glassy again from the different memories that are obviously running through his mind. “If I’d just stayed with her …” His voice is laced with anguish as he clenches his eyes shut.
I put my hand on top of his and feel him tense at the contact. “A friend of mine had a band. They were playing at a local event and needed a last minute replacement for the lead singer, so they asked me to fill in,” he begins to explain.
“You sing?” I’m surprised this hasn’t come up in conversation before since Neil and Ryan’s band are on the lookout for another vocalist. I assumed Brandon only played the guitar.
He shakes his head as he lets out a sigh. “I sang. Past tense. I don’t sing anymore. I haven’t since the night it happened.” He swallows audibly, and his gaze darts around the room before it lands back on mine.
“What did happen?” I search his face and notice the color in his skin beginning to fade away. “What was her name?” Don’t push him, Alex. Let him speak when he’s ready.
“Holly. Her name is … was … Holly.” He moves off of my bed and begins pacing the full length of my room briskly, back and forth, and repeatedly. “I looked for her when our set finished but I couldn’t see her anywhere. It was too noisy in the club, so I went outside to call her. When I was outside, I heard her cell phone ringing from a side alley and when I looked … Shit, Alexis, she looked so fucking scared and I didn’t know what was wrong!” His voice is shaky as he answers.
He stops walking, and instead, starts grabbing fistfuls of his hair again. “She was all alone and I ran straight over to her … she was so pale. That’s when I saw the needle hanging out of her arm … It was then that I realized she was overdosing. She kept saying my name, over and over and over again!” His voice is filled with distress and I just want to hold him, he looks so broken.
I jump up off the bed when I see how distraught he’s become, and notice a single tear falling from his left eye. “Was she a user?” His eyes widen in what I can only assume to be anger at my question, and I’m worried I just totally pushed way past the line, but I merely want to understand everything he's endured.
“No! She never touched any of that shit!” He’s growling now but I know he doesn’t mean to be like this. He’s hurting. He needs to get this out and off his chest. “I ripped the needle out of her arm and dialed 911. She was trying to speak … she looked so afraid, but then she started convulsing and … I kept calling out for someone to come and help her, for someone to come and help us! Dammit, Alexis, I couldn’t help her!”
His shoulders sag and he places his head in his hands as he begins to wipe his tears away. “I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the sidewalk. I could see the ambulance’s lights flashing as they headed towards us, but it was too late … It was too fucking late because the next thing I saw was the light in her eyes dwindling and her lips darkening … I kept calling for her to come back to me! I tried … I fucking tried to get her to come back to me!” He drops to his knees and his whole body starts shaking.
Tears are dripping down my cheeks as he relives every memory, retells every detail, of what he went through. “And then she took her last breath, she took her final breath in my fucking arms!” I fall down to the floor and wrap my arms around him, pulling him closer so I can try to bring him some sort of comfort.
I feel his entire body trembling while he moans and cries in grief. I don’t know what I can say to make it better, so I just keep holding him until his sobs finally stop.
I never imagined, when Neil had told me some of what had happened, that Brandon was the one who found her. I’m … I don’t actually know how to describe what I’m feeling right now.
He’s still clinging on to me, with his head tucked under my chin. I’m running my hands through his hair softly, hoping this may help to soothe him. His breaths that I feel over my chest are starting to become more
even and his hands, that have been gripping onto me so tightly, are beginning to loosen.
“I’m sorry, Alexis.” He pulls away and when I see the pain in his eyes, I feel tears brimming in mine again. “I didn’t mean to …” I place my index finger lightly on his lips to stop him from speaking anymore. He’s apologizing to me?
He stands himself up and wipes his hands across his eyes to remove the fresh tears. Placing his hands on his hips, he lets out a deep breath. I sink back and rest on my heels as I look up at him.
“You look tired. I shouldn’t have disturbed you. I’m sorry.” He grabs his keys from his pants’ pocket and heads towards the door. “Go back to sleep.”
“Stay with me?” Even I can detect the hint of nervousness in my own voice. His whole body freezes and when he turns around, I see him swallow hard, and his eyes widen at what I’m asking him to do. “It’s just I don’t want you to go just yet, please?” I don’t want him to leave. I know that if he walks out the door now, he may not come back after breaking down in front of me the way he just did.
Every time he appears to lower the high walls he seems to have barricaded around himself, everything makes sense and I feel connected to him, but then he pulls away and builds them right back up again. I want him to stay so I can hold him, and have him hold me. I want to feel close to him.
He looks conflicted as his eyes land first on me, and then over on the bed. Warily walking over to where I’m still kneeling on the floor, he offers his hand out to me. Taking mine in his, he pulls me on to my feet and gently cups his hand under my jaw, while stroking his thumb lightly over my cheek. “I really don’t know if that’s a good idea, beautiful,” he answers softly, with sadness lacing his voice and tears still present in his eyes.
Searching his face, I bring my hands up to wipe his tears away lightly with my thumbs. He leans and places his forehead against mine while letting out a small grumble. Closing his eyes, he wraps his arms around my lower back.