“Did you guys do anything?” Alyssa is sitting cross legged on the couch, and facing me with her spoon hanging out of her mouth. “You must have done something!”
“It’s not like that, Alyssa.” I tell her while keeping my focus on the widescreen. “He does meaningless sex; I don’t. I kiss; he doesn’t. How the hell are we supposed to have any kind of relationship if we don’t have any intimacy?” She cuts me off half way through, and I know that I should have been expecting it. She always does this.
“What? So you guys aren’t going to even try and see where it goes?” She’s furrowing her eyebrows at me and looking confused. “Alex, I’ve never seen you so pent up over a guy before. Why are you even still sitting here? If you don’t act on this, could you really stand back and watch him with other women?”
Welcome back the feeling of nausea. She’s right, no, I couldn’t. “He told me he hasn’t been with another girl since we met,” I tell her and I notice the smugness stretching over her lips.
“But, if you and Brandon don’t work this out and try to reach a compromise, he will. Especially if sex doesn’t mean anything to him in the first place,” she lets out a sigh while reaching for the remote. “I’m sorry to be blunt, but this whole scenario kinda reminds me of you and Matt.”
“You did not just compare him to Matt? Alyssa!” I snap at her for being a bitch. There’s no way Brandon is anything like Matt, no freaking way. “He’s nothing like him!” Wow, my blood is practically boiling at the words she has just spoken.
I hear her laughing pretty hard and when I turn to face her, she’s pointing her spoon at me. “I knew it! You’re falling for him already! Alex is in love, Alex is in love…”
“In love with who?” Fuck. I close my eyes and grimace when I hear Neil ask that very question. “You’re not drooling over that guy from White Collar again, are you?” He lets out a light laugh.
“Yes!” I jump out of my seat and turn around. “That is …” Double fuck. Well, that couldn’t have been more perfectly timed if they’d tried. My palms are getting sweaty and my mouth has dropped wide open. I direct my narrowing eyes over on Alyssa, but she doesn’t take any notice. Her wide smile slowly turns into a smirk as she turns back to watch the TV.
Neil throws his keys onto the side table and drops a kiss on my cheek as he walks by to join Alyssa on the couch. “Aren’t you staying, bro?” He focuses his question on Brandon, who’s still standing by the doorway, with his eyes aimed directly on me, although they’re completely unreadable.
“I think I might head out.” Steering his eyes away from mine, he waves at both Alyssa and Neil, nods once over at me without any eye contact, and then leaves.
Turning back to Neil and Alyssa, I see Neil trying to wrestle the tub of ice cream out of her hands and think that our girl to girl chat has ended prematurely. I’m pissed she compared Brandon to Matt. Although, I’m more pissed that she could be right in the sense that whatever is between us, means more to me than it does to him.
“Alex, your cell just buzzed,” Neil says while passing it over the back of the couch, with ice cream now dripping down his shirt and arm. I shake my head at Neil and Alyssa’s laughter as I open the inbox.
I think we should try beautiful. X
I think my heart just leapt out from my chest and my breathing rate just doubled. “Guys, I’m going to take a shower,” I tell them, but they don’t hear me over Alyssa’s screams. They remind me of how Brandon and I were when I went over to his place to watch the movie. I want that again. I want to be in his company when he’s so laidback and carefree. Shaking my head at them both, I make my way over to the bathroom, and decide to think through what Alyssa just said before messaging him back.
11.
I’m Sorry.
Should I really be knocking on his door at just past midnight, especially since I haven’t even responded to his earlier message yet? I guess it’s a little late to be second guessing my actions, considering I’ve just knocked on the damn freaking thing.
I’m feeling really nervous, and take some deep breaths while I wait for someone to answer. I thought about what Alyssa said, and although she’s had a lot more experience with the opposite sex than I have, Brandon knows what the sex thing means to me. If he were only interested in that side of things, then he wouldn’t be intent on seeing how things could go between the two of us.
He most certainly doesn’t seem like the type to mess around either. I mean, fine, he sleeps, no, he slept around, but he wouldn’t be unfaithful. Based on everything that’s happened to him, I trust him completely and know how loyal a person he is.
After knocking a couple more times, there’s still no answer, so I turn back around and decide to get a hold of him tomorrow. The chances are he’s already asleep, like I should be. I tried to sleep after I had my shower, but it was no use and I wanted to speak with him face to face, rather than over text messages. I find them to be a little impersonal sometimes.
Just as I’m about to round the corner, I hear a door open behind me and glance over my shoulder. Maybe that’s him now.
Nope. It’s not him.
It’s Lisa. It’s Lisa coming out of his dorm and looking really fucking pleased with herself, while swinging her hips as she walks slowly towards me. I feel instantly sick, but I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation as to why she’s walking out of his dorm, with a ridiculously large smirk over her face. Yeah, there must be a reason as to why she’s buttoning up her dismantled shirt too.
“Oh, well he tastes just as good as the last one,” she laughs harshly in my face as she walks by, and I almost heave from the smell of alcohol on her breath. “If not better!”
Wow.
Do I want to cry? Perhaps. Do I want to just go home and forget any of this, any of him, ever happened? Well, yeah, I do. But I won’t. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m feeling hurt. I’m most definitely feeling like the biggest loser right now. I believed him. Stupid, stupid girl, Alex.
Heading straight back over to his dorm, I bang on the door at least ten times before I hear movement from the other side. From the force of my hand beating on the wood, the door looks like it’s about to fall off of its hinges. “Brandon, I know you’re in there!” I shout out. “So, you couldn’t give me just a couple of hours?”
I should’ve messaged or called, but if I had then I would’ve been making the same mistake I made a few months ago with Matt. Alyssa’s right. Dammit, she’s fucking right!
The door swings open with an extremely tired looking James standing on the other side. “Shit, Alex…” He stifles a yawn and waves his arm for me to go in. “What the hell’s going—?”
“I need to speak with Brandon,” I practically barge past him and head straight to Brandon’s room, without so much as another word. James appeared to be somewhat shocked by my petulance. I’ll make sure I apologize to him tomorrow.
Do I knock and give him warning? Or do I just … it’s too late. I’m already making my way through the door.
“Alexis!” Brandon leaps off of his bed and heads right over to me, with both shock and surprise written all over his face. “I didn’t, I mean … I wasn’t expecting you to—”
“Obviously,” the tone of my voice is flat and what I’d really wanted to do was slap him hard in the face, but now something in my chest feels tight. I don’t like this feeling anymore. It hurts like hell and I’m almost struggling to breathe.
His eyes are searching my face and there’s a look of confusion over his own. “What’s wrong?”
Roving my eyes over his body, I find that instead of feeling hot, I’m feeling extremely nauseous. He hasn’t even had time to get himself dressed. No shirt, no socks, his waistband is low and his zipper is undone.
“You couldn’t just give me a couple of hours?” There’s hurt in my voice no matter how hard I try to mask it. “I needed a couple of hours, Brandon, that’s all!” Okay good, my voice is gaining strength now.
He looks worried as he draw
s his hands up to my face, but I immediately push him away and do what he does when he’s upset. I run my hands through my hair and turn my back on him. “Alexis, I wanted to call but …”
The frustration of all of this is too much and I feel tears beginning to stream down my cheeks. “You didn’t call because you were too busy shoving your dick down Lisa’s fucking throat!”
“Lisa? Alexis, what the fuck are you talking about?” He sounds angry as he turns me around to face him, while grabbing me at my waist. “You think that I ...?” He looks hurt. Right, well I guess he knows how I’m feeling.
“I just saw her in the fucking hall!” I scream in his face, while pressing my hands flat on his chest as I try to push him away from me. “I thought that you and I could … I wanted to make sure that … I wanted time to make sure I was going to be what you needed, what you wanted.” Leaning against the wall by the door, I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“Listen, I really have no idea what you’re talking about, I was …” His voice is quiet as he takes a step closer to me.
“You know, that’s exactly what Matt said to me.” I reach for the handle and push by him as I open the door. “I’m done, Brandon. Go and find someone else to mess around with!” Shrugging my shoulders at him, I see pain in his eyes before I turn to walk out.
He grabs hold of my arm, and I realize that this is probably going to be the last time that he touches me. “You’re so wrong, Alexis.” He’s shaking his head and looks completely crushed. “You’re so fucking wrong.” Loosening his hand until it falls down to his side, he steps back and turns around. I still for a moment and watch him, before closing the door behind me.
***
“You find out if you made the call-backs today don’t you?” Neil asks as he joins me by the breakfast bar. I’ve been staring at the bowl of cereal in front of me for the past twenty minutes, but I really don’t think I could stomach eating anything.
I nod while stirring the spoon around in the bowl, still wishing that I’d called him the moment I’d gotten his message. But, even if I had of, this would’ve been bound to happen somewhere down the line anyway.
Neil is watching me with concern, but I just smile before heading back to the coffee pot. I’m on my third cup already this morning and it’s only just turned eight o’clock.
Even though I knew Brandon wasn’t going to try calling or messaging me once I’d left last night, I kept my cell phone by me all night. I hardly slept, if at all. My stomach has been in knots ever since I saw Lisa in the hallway.
“Fuck!” Snapping my head up at the sound, I see Ryan hopping out of the bathroom. He has his toothbrush hanging out the side of his mouth and he’s trying to balance on one foot, while pulling up his sock on the other.
“In a hurry?” I laugh, and feel the frown leave my face for the first time so far today. This guy always seems to be able to cheer me up. He’s such a dork sometimes.
Taking the toothbrush from his mouth, he walks over to where Neil and I are sitting, and straight away I notice the dark bags under his eyes. “I had a late one last night and promised I’d meet my mom in the city for breakfast …” He shakes his head and grimaces. “I wouldn’t care, Alex, but she wants to take me shopping!”
“Shopping?” To my left, Alyssa is sticking her head around her bedroom door. “Did someone say shopping?” We all laugh at the way her eyes are twinkling at that one word.
“Don’t you have class today?” I aim my question at both Neil and Ryan, as Alyssa makes her way over to the bathroom, earning narrowed eyes from Ryan in the process. I’m guessing he wasn’t done in there yet.
He shakes his head while grabbing the newspaper from the countertop beside him. “We have to prepare for a music show we’re doing in a few weeks, so we were told we could form ourselves into groups and work on it outside of the classroom.”
I’m pleased by the fact they all have their own show to look forward to, “Wow that sounds exciting! Who’s in your group?”
“Well there’s obviously me, then Neil, Alyssa, and Brandon,” of course. Dumbass, Alex. Even at the mention of his name my whole body tenses. “That’s why I was back so late last night. I was over with Brandon and writing some new material because we want to be as original as we can be.” He shrugs his shoulders before turning to walk back to the bathroom, as Alyssa makes her way back out.
“You were at Brandon’s place?” Well that got my attention.
He turns back around and I see a glint of something in his eyes, although I have no idea what it is. “Yeah, I didn’t get back until after three. We got a couple of songs down early on, but then he got all distracted, so we called it a night.”
“What time did you get there?” I didn’t see him there.
“Maybe just a little after ten, why? Do you miss him already?” He winks at me over his shoulder and notices my discomfort straight away. “Alex, why are you looking at me like that?”
Clearing my throat, I stand up and walk over to grab my cell phone. Checking my messages, Brandon messaged me right after he left here. That was at nine. I went to his place at midnight. How did I not see Ryan?
“Oh shit!” He turns back around to face me with a wide grin now plastered over his face. “That James dude you worked with in class, I had no fucking idea!”
“What are you talking about?” I crease my brow and wonder how James has anything to do with our current topic of conversation.
He laughs hard before he begins to explain, “We ran out of beer, so I went down to the nearest store to grab more. On my way out, I saw that Lisa chick giving him a …” Instead of saying the words, he whistles before continuing, “… In the hallway. Like, isn’t she supposed to be with that fucking asshat, Matt?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Matt finished with her after she went crazy at him for still being into Alex,” Alyssa calls over from the couch.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I mutter before standing and clearing my breakfast dishes away. “I need to head to class.”
After throwing on my sweater, I sit down on my bed and feel like absolute crap. Since when did I become so …? Ugh!
I should have known. Dammit! I accused him of something that he didn’t do, of something that he wouldn’t do. I need to go see him. I need to apologize, but right now, I need to get my ass to class before Professor Hardy kicks my butt for being late.
***
As I make my way into class, I see a small group of students gathering around the front of the room, over by the noticeboard. I should be feeling more nervous than I am. At this moment, I don’t think I really care whether I get called back or not, which is really rather worrying considering this is my one and only ambition in life, or at least it was.
“Have you been up there yet?” James asks from over my right shoulder. I’m not going to judge him for having no taste in women whatsoever. It’s not my place to say anything, but I’m shocked by what Ryan told me this morning. Although, at the same time, I feel completely relieved that it wasn’t Brandon who caught her attention, not that it makes any difference. I screwed up.
“No, not yet.” I don’t look at him but sense him walking beside me as I head over to the group of people. Some have beaming smiles plastered over their faces, some have scowls, some have pure disappointment, and the rest don’t seem to be affected either way.
Hugging my file tightly to my chest as we near the rest of the students, I turn to face him, so I can apologize for being rude last night. “James, listen I’m sorry for—”
“No, no need.” He interrupts me as I was about to apologize. He gives me a slight smile as we step closer to the noticeboard. Without checking as to whether I made the callbacks or not, I grab my cell from my pocket and open up the messages.
I was so wrong. I’m sorry. Can we talk?
Please reply to me. Please. I keep repeating in my head, while clasping my cell tightly in my hand. Most of the students have cleared away now and the call back list is right
in front of me. I close my eyes and hope to see my name up there when I reopen them.
Scanning through the names I see James’s, and then mine right beneath it. I feel instant relief wash over me. Perhaps I was wrong when I thought I wasn’t so excited and that I didn’t even care. Of course I care. A smile stretches wide over my lips as James places his arm around my shoulder. “We did it, babe!” His voice is bright and I turn and give him a tight squeeze.
My cell phone vibrates in my hand and I immediately step out of James’s embrace to check it.
You really were. I’m sorry, too. I’m so fucking sorry.
Okay, he replied but I was hoping he would tell me that I could meet with him. He’s sorry too? He has nothing to be sorry about. I reply again, hoping this time he will ask to see me.
Why are you sorry? I got called back. I couldn’t have done it without you. X
James and I wander over to our seats and I see a slight redness tinge his cheeks when he walks past Lisa. Her eyes land on James and she actually looks quite taken with him, but her face soon turns into a scowl when he eyes land on me. Whatever, bitch.
She had me believe she was with Brandon. I hope karma comes around and bites her in the ass. I shouldn’t have fallen for it though. I know what she’s like. I should have trusted him. Glancing back at my cell phone, there’s still nothing back from Brandon.
Professor Hardy enters the room around ten minutes after we’ve taken our seats and begins the class. He informs all of the students who were invited to audition again tomorrow, that we’ll be performing individually this time, so each and every one of us should spend the rest of the day working through the manuscripts that he’ll hand out after class.
The last couple of hours have dragged like no other before. As I make my way out of the room after being handed my manuscript, I grab my cell phone to check it again.
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