I was hoping I wouldn’t end up like Lillie Mae.
chapter 2
It was Sunday after church and Mama was standing at my bedroom door with these two girls from the other sixth-grade class. I was shocked that Denise and Gail seemed to be here to see me. It wasn’t like I had older brothers to get next to or anything. Mama looked surprised too. Denise and Gail were fast girls who wore their hair in French rolls and liked to crack their gum. Gail already had two big bumps sticking through her shell top, and they both had hips holding up their cutoffs. I knew Mama looked down on people who wore shorts before Memorial Day, even though it was warm and humid outside.
“Jean, didn’t you hear me calling you?”
I shook my head. I’d been playing with my yo-yo.
I nodded at Denise and Gail and they nodded back. I tried not to seem too surprised by their visit.
Gail was no bigger than a minute but she had a shape. She had delicate features like a Siamese cat, and her skin was the color of an old penny. Denise had some meat on her bones, large eyes, a wide nose, full lips, and was light-skinned. Mama would call Denise “yellow-wasted.” That’s what she called light-skinned people with hair nappy enough to be straightened and/or African features.
Mama leaned against the wall with one hand in her apron pocket. I motioned for Denise and Gail to come into my room.
“Well, girls, we just got in from church not too long ago.” Mama frowned at my Sunday dress and petticoat bunched up in the chair. “Twenty minutes earlier and you wouldn’t have caught us.”
“Gail, you can sit on this chair,” I grabbed my dress and petticoat. “Denise, you can sit on the bed here,” I scooped up the stack of Archie comic books, and looked around my small, junky room for a place to stuff them. Denise and Gail eyed the matching white bedroom furniture that Mama and Daddy had bought at a house sale in the suburbs.
“When did your churches let out?” Mama asked as the girls sat down.
“I ain’t went to church this morning. I ain’t got up in time.” Denise answered.
“I ain’t got up in time either.”
Mama closed her eyes, and made a face like she’d just eaten something that tasted bad. “You ain’t got up in time?”
“No, my mama and them was playing cards last night, kept us all up late,” Denise explained.
I turned away from the closet and gave Mama a look that begged her to shut up. But there was no stopping her.
“Girls, listen to yourselves, you’re butchering the English language!”
Denise and Gail looked at Mama like she had just landed here from Mars.
I sat down on my bed and stared into the quilt Grandma had made me. I was sick of Mama. It was bad enough she had made Daddy paint my room pink. She knew blue was my favorite color.
“Girls, you should have said, ‘I didn’t go to church this morning because I didn’t get up in time.’ And you shouldn’t be kept up all night because of your mother’s card playing. I hate to think some people would put card playing ahead of church services. And by the way, have you girls ever heard Dr. King speak?”
Gail and Denise hunched their shoulders. I couldn’t tell if they were saying no or that they didn’t care. I remembered how Mama and Daddy had called me and David in from playing to watch Dr. King give his “I Have a Dream” speech on TV, two summers ago. When Dr. King said the part about having a dream that one day he would live in a country where his four little children would be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character, I looked over at Mama and she had tears running down her face. It was the only time I’d ever seen her cry except at her father’s funeral when I was five. David had asked Mama why she was crying. Mama had answered, “Because he makes me proud to be a negro.” Next thing we knew Daddy’s eyes were wet, and by the time Dr. King ended with “Free at last, Free at last, thank God Almighty, we’re free at last,” shivers were running down my spine.
“If you ever get a chance to hear Dr. King speak, pay close attention to his command of the English language,” Mama continued.
I cleared my throat as I sat on the bed, hoping Mama could take a hint. It was obvious that Denise and Gail didn’t want to be bothered.
“Well, I’ve got a chicken to cut up. You girls have fun this afternoon and, Jean, as soon as your company leaves, clean this place up. You should be ashamed for anyone to see your room looking like this.”
Denise and Gail rolled their eyes when Mama hit the door.
“Dog, is she always like that?” Denise wanted to know.
“No,” I lied. I felt embarrassed to even be connected to Mama.
“Well, that’s good, is she a English teacher or something?” Gail wrinkled her forehead.
“No, she’s a bank teller.”
I forgot about Mama and went back to wondering why Denise and Gail had come over in the first place.
“Do you all want to play Monopoly?”
“No, not today.” Gail smiled.
“Jacks?”
Denise shook her head. “Some other time.”
“Barbie dolls?” I asked, willing to forget I’d ever been a tomboy.
“Stevie, did you know that me and Michael are cousins?”
I looked at Gail’s face to see if they favored each other. They did, sort of.
“No, Gail, I never really knew that.”
“Well, we are. Anyway, dig up, I hear you been talking to Michael.”
“Well, he just passed me a note, we didn’t actually talk yet.”
“We knows all about the note. Do you call yourself digging Michael or not?” Denise jumped in.
I wondered if Denise was his cousin too. I couldn’t tell from their faces if I was supposed to dig Michael or not. I felt like I was on Perry Mason.
“Well, I think he’s cute, and I think he’s really cool. I’m not sure if I know him enough to dig him or not. We’ve never really had a conversation. The note was a big surprise. I didn’t even know he was paying me any attention.”
“When he sent you that note asking you if you was a virgin, you put down ‘Not exactly,’” Denise reminded me.
I stared down at my quilt and ran my fingers along the different patches.
“I didn’t think I met the definition of the word totally,” I said, glancing up at Gail and Denise. They both looked interested. “I’m not completely pure and innocent. I’ve done a few things,” I admitted, remembering the time I picked some cherries off some people’s tree without asking, and other stuff along those lines.
“So who’s the boy you messed around with?” Gail asked.
“Huh?”
“Okay, you ain’t gotta give his name, but what did y’all do, just play with each other’s thangs?” she asked.
I remembered the time me and my brother David had played doctor when we were four and six. “Yeah,” I nodded, trying to seem cool.
“Did he stick his dick inside you?” Denise wanted to know.
I raised my eyebrows. He was only four years old, I thought to myself.
“Just rubbed it against you?” Denise continued.
“I’m too embarrassed to talk about it,” I said, swallowing.
“I understand, we ain’t mean to get all up in your business,” Gail cut in. “But ain’t no sense in me lying, I was surprised when Michael told me about you. All this time I had you figured for a L7,” Gail drew a square in the air.
I shook my head and tried to look surprised. Me an L7? No way.
“Well, we just wanted to check you out, see what your story was.” Denise said.
“Hey, any girl my cousin talk to, I make it my business to check out. ’Cause don’t nobody get next to Michael without coming through me,” Gail pointed to her chest.
“We’ll be in touch,” Denise said, getting up.
Gail stood up too.
“Well, thanks for stopping by, it’s been really boss. I mean, feel free to drop by the crib anytime.” I tried to sound hip.
Monda
y was cool, damp, and gray, but I was walking home with guess who? Gail and Denise. I had been surprised to see them waiting for me when our class let out. Me and Michael hadn’t crossed paths all day long. I still didn’t know what he thought. But I wasn’t about to say anything to him, so I’d just have to wait. Michael must be interested or Gail and Denise wouldn’t be giving me the time of day, I figured.
I usually walked home with Linda and Melody. They were nice but square. So, when I saw Denise and Gail waving to me, I told Linda and Melody to go ahead on.
Denise and Gail were all the way cool, and if I was walking home with them, people would figure I had to at least be halfway cool. I hoped that my ponytail and pleated skirt fit in okay with their French rolls and tight, straight skirts. At least all three of us were wearing pullover sweaters.
The three of us walked through our neighborhood, past the rows of two-flat brick buildings and occasional bungalows, cracking our gum as loud as we could.
“Niece, you got any more of that red-orange fingernail polish, girl?”
Denise shook her head and cracked her gum.
“Where’d you get it from anyways?” Gail asked.
“I copped it from Walgreen’s that time, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right.”
I almost swallowed my gum. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, “You mean you stole it?” Gail didn’t bat an eye.
I decided to try and change the subject. We weren’t that far from Walgreen’s now; I didn’t want them to get any ideas.
“Mrs. Butler asked me if I was gonna write a poem for the school paper again this year.”
Gail and Denise just went on cracking their gum.
“Have either of you ever thought about writing anything for the paper?”
“Humph, that’s the last thing I would wanta do, write something,” Denise groaned.
“Yeah,” Gail agreed. “Why you bringing up school stuff? It’s bad enough we got to sit up and look at the teacher all day long, now we gotta listen to your ass.”
I stared down at the new blades of grass and the tulips about to bloom in front of a house.
“Mrs. Butler mentioned it to me on the way out, so it was kind of fresh on my mind, that’s all. But I think I’ll let it go this year. It ain’t no biggie.”
“Sho ain’t,” Gail agreed.
“Not unlessen you a square.” Denise laughed.
“Thank you,” Gail stretched her hand out and Denise gave her five.
I cracked my gum and shook my head to let them know that I was at least halfway cool.
“Oooh!” I shouted, feeling a hand grabbing my behind, through my skirt. I slapped the hand away and turned around and saw Michael standing there grinning. This other boy, Calvin, was feeling on Gail.
“Leave me alone!” I shouted, backing away from Michael. “Don’t touch me like that again!”
For some reason, Michael started dancing around, doing the Mashed Potato.
“Oh, you know y’all like it.” Calvin smiled as he ran his fingers through his greasy, processed hair. He was just too cool, with a do rag tied around his head and wearing a black leather jacket, gold knit top, burnt-orange pants, and cockroach-killing shoes.
“No, I don’t,” I answered. I could still feel Michael’s hand on my butt, and it was a creepy feeling.
Calvin draped his tall, skinny body around Gail, resting his head on her shoulder and holding her waist. “Girl, you know you crazy ’bout me.”
“You a lie,” Gail said, smiling.
“You another lie.”
“No, I ain’t. Get away from around me, nigger, you overdrawn at the funk bank.” Gail pushed Calvin’s arm off her and broke away.
Denise laughed real loud, maybe ’cause nobody was paying much attention to her. Michael was kicking a rusty can. I had to admit that he looked cute in his White Sox baseball jacket, his khaki pants, and his high-top Converse All-Stars.
“Niece, what you laughing at?” Calvin wanted to know.
“You black nigger, you!”
“Who you calling black, little girl?”
I didn’t like Denise throwing Calvin’s color up in his face. A person couldn’t help being dark. Calvin’s smooth skin reminded me of the eggplant that Alice, the Chinese girl, had brought for Show and Tell in first grade. I knew that Calvin was hurt; I could see the pain in his narrowed eyes.
“Look in the mirror and you’ll see,” Denise answered Calvin. Calvin scrunched his face up until his top lip almost touched his bunny-shaped nose.
“Shut up talking to me, little girl. I bet you still pee in yo bed.”
“Nigger, you pee in yo bed so much the rats and roaches gotta wear raincoats.” Denise laughed.
“Doon, baby, doon!” Gail shouted and held her hand out and Denise gave her five.
“That’s okay, Calvin, man, cause you know Niece and them so po, man, I was at they crib, and I stepped on a roach, man, and Niece mama yelled ‘Save me the white meat!’” Michael said, laughing.
Calvin gave Michael five.
“Forget y’all forgot y’all never thought about y’all,” Denise sang.
“Shut up, bitch, just shut yo ass up,” Calvin shouted as he and Michael ran away laughing.
“Yo mama!” Denise yelled as the boys turned the corner.
“If they touch us like that again we should report them to somebody,” I said.
Denise and Gail stood looking at me with their mouths hanging open.
“Are we supposed to like it?” I asked, confused.
“Course, fool, you just s’posed to act like you don’t dig it,” Denise said, rolling her eyes like she couldn’t believe how dumb I was.
I didn’t really appreciate her calling me a fool.
“Nobody felt on you, Denise,” I reminded her, wondering if she knew how icky it felt.
“You ain’t got to rub it in. Michael’s felt on Niece’s booty plenty of times before, right, Niece?”
“Damn straight!” Denise put her hand on her hip and stuck her behind out. “Michael’s felt on my booty plenty of times!”
I didn’t know what to say so I just cracked my gum.
Another Saturday had come already. I was in the backyard hanging up clothes. The sun was shining but the wind was blowing through my T-shirt and jeans. They didn’t call Chicago the Windy City for nothing, I thought, chasing a dish towel that had blown out of the clothes basket.
Me and Gail and Denise had walked home together for a whole week now. Michael still hadn’t said anything to me about the note, although yesterday he and Calvin had run up to us again. Michael had walked between me and Denise and put his arm around both of us. It had been exciting walking down the street all cool with somebody fine having his arm draped over you—as long as I didn’t run into Mama or Daddy or one of my tattle-tale brothers.
I pushed a clothespin down on Daddy’s big, white undershirt. I liked the smell of the clean clothes.
“Stevie!”
“Girl!”
“Stevie!”
I turned away from the line and watched as Gail and Denise kicked open the metal gate and burst into our yard. Their eyes were all stretched out like something big had happened.
“Girl, we got something to tell you!” Gail said, all out of breath.
“What?”
“Don’t tell me she ain’t heard!” Denise said, huffing and puffing and raising her eyebrows.
“What, heard what?”
“Gail, I thought sho she’d heard by now!”
“I haven’t heard nothing. Tell me.”
“Girl, Carla Perkins saying she gon kick yo ass! Counta you been talking to Michael,” Denise explained, pointing her finger at me.
I swallowed hard. My head was swimming. Carla Perkins was going to kick my ass for talking to Michael? I hadn’t even ever been alone with the boy; we’d never had a whole conversation. He’d felt my behind once and put his arm around me, but that had been it.
“I didn’t
even know Carla liked Michael.”
“Girl, we know,” Denise continued. “Everybody knows you and Michael been talking for a whole week now. I don’t know where that bitch Carla is coming from.”
“Shoot, Michael’s probably fixing to ask you to go with him any day now. What yo answer gon be?” Gail put her hands on her hips.
I picked up a pair of Kevin’s jeans and started hanging them on the line. “Gail, I don’t know now. I just don’t want to get in any mess. I don’t even know Carla, ’cept to speak to her. I had no idea she even liked Michael.”
Gail reached in the clothes basket and pulled out Mama’s slip and started hanging it up. “You can’t let her take yo man away from you, girl, without putting up no fight though.”
I kept on hanging up clothes, trying to block out what they were saying.
Denise picked up my paddle bail off the ground and started pounding the little red ball in the air. Like I wasn’t already starting to get a headache.
“Stevie, I hear you, girl: don’t start no bull, won’t be no shit. Excuse my French, honey, but the shit done already started,” Denise said between bats.
“The girl done started talking about yo mama!”
“Don’t tell her that,” Gail interrupted.
“No, Gail, she may’s to well hear the truth.” Denise pointed with the paddle. “I would want somebody to come tell me if somebody was out there talking about my mama, now, wouldn’t you? Otherwise how could they call theyselves your friend?”
“I s’pose.” Gail nodded and picked up a pair of Mama’s panties and put them on the line. I wasn’t sure Gail knew me well enough to be handling my family’s underclothes.
I tried to sound casual. “So, what did Carla say about my mama?”
Denise threw the paddle ball down on our old barbecue grill.
“Girl, she say yo mama … she say yo mama so black that when she sweat she sweat chocolate!”
I cleared my throat, “My mama’s so black that when she sweats she sweats chocolate!” I folded my arms.
Denise nodded and pulled on the plastic clothesline.
“Look, I ain’t said it, Carla the one said it.”
“Look, Stevie, she just telling you what the heifer said. It ain’t like she and her people’s ’zactly light-skinned theyselves.”
Coffee Will Make You Black Page 2