No Love Lost (Masters and Mercenaries: The Forgotten Book 5)

by Lexi Blake

  Though it didn’t look like work. It looked like holding babies and playing games with kids.

  Roman had immediately found Jeremy and the young Taggarts and had barely waved good-bye.

  Then had come the nearly silent walk to the club where Beck had dropped her at the ladies’ locker room door and told her he would see her in twenty minutes. She’d walked in and been faced with some kind of party complete with champagne, bouncy music, and someone had brought cupcakes.

  What the hell was she doing here? She wasn’t in a party mood.

  Charlotte Taggart was sitting in what appeared to be the lounge portion of the large locker room. There were several comfy-looking sofas and a large ottoman covered in a gold tray that held the aforementioned champagne and cupcakes. Charlotte was wearing a silky robe, her hair up in a loose bun and a gorgeous diamond collar around her throat. She flashed a brilliant smile as Kim walked in. “Solo, it’s so good to see you. Welcome to Sanctum. Come in and meet the girls.”

  “Thanks.” She kind of wanted to run. The “girls” were all gorgeous women, every one of them happily married for long periods of time. They were all friends who had barbecues and supported each other. They were a family.

  She didn’t belong here.

  Charlotte quickly introduced her to Avery O’Donnell, Serena Dean-Miles, Grace Taggart, and Erin Taggart. She already knew Eve, who sat to Charlotte’s left. There were other women moving around the locker room chatting, but these six women seemed to be their own club. “Thanks for having me. Do you know where my locker is? Beck told me there would be one for me.”

  He’d also told her he’d arranged for her clothes for the evening. She was supposed to wear what he wanted her to wear, do what he wanted her to do, be who he wanted her to be.

  Did she want to do that?

  Charlotte stopped and Kim could practically see the wheels in her head turning. “Why don’t you sit for a minute and have a glass of champagne with us? Just one though. Club rules and everything. Ariel and River aren’t here yet. We can keep you company. Was Roman okay with the babysitting arrangements? Sorry you had to leave him in another building, but I promise it’s secure. We used to have on site care.”

  Erin wrinkled her nose. She was a lovely redhead. “Then a couple of twins got way too nosey for anyone’s good.”

  “Hey, TJ helped them get into the air vents,” Charlotte pointed out.

  Serena set her glass down. “It was only a matter of time. When the kids got older they were bound to get curious.”

  “The boys can be distracted with video games.” Avery O’Donnell wore an emerald green corset that peeked out of her robe. “But the girls are terrible. Daisy is the worst. She looks so sweet but she’s sneaky. The twins call her their secret weapon because Daisy turns on those doe eyes of hers and suddenly her dad lets her get away with anything. She’s going to be a menace, my girl.”

  “Carys wants to start dating,” Grace announced. “She’s fifteen. I don’t think she should date until she can drive herself out of a bad date. Sean’s heart seizes every time she mentions it. I’m genuinely worried about him. And anyone Carys tries to date.”

  “Start dating?” Serena said, her eyes wide. “Grace, you do know Tris has been paying for her movie tickets for years.”

  “And Aidan pays for her snacks. All those times we dropped them off at the theater or the mall? They’re basically dates,” Avery affirmed.

  Grace went a little pale. “Dear god, don’t tell Sean.”

  “Sorry.” Charlotte turned her way and patted the seat beside her. “Our teens have a whole lot of drama. Tasha’s the only one who doesn’t seem to create tidal waves of angst. It actually worries me.”

  Eve shifted to form a conversation group away from the main one. The others were talking about how hard it was to have teens. Eve glanced Charlotte’s way. “You know I think she’s well adjusted.”

  “I’m worried she still thinks she’s going to be kicked out if she misbehaves,” Charlotte admitted. “I worry I praise her so much for being helpful that she’s decided it’s the only way to keep her place. But that’s trouble for another day. Solo, I need to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to react.”

  She could guess what had happened and why they were drinking champagne. The thought made her lips curl up despite her weird mood. She’d spent most of the day studying the information they’d gotten from the woman named Reva. Kim admired her. Reva had managed to avoid Levi Green for years, and she’d held on to the one card guaranteed to take him down. Hutch had talked her into giving it to them. “Did they arrest him?”

  Arrest wasn’t the right word. There wouldn’t be a fair trial for Levi Green. There would be pain and interrogation, and he might be allowed to live in a prison cell, but it was far more likely the Agency would put him down like a rabid dog.

  She liked dogs way more than she liked Levi. Even rabid ones.

  She’d sat on the back porch before dinner and thought about Roman playing with a dog. But it hadn’t been Beck’s backyard she’d seen in that happy vision. However, it had been Beck sitting beside her, watching their son play.

  It was one more reason she shouldn’t be here. She was getting in way too deep.

  Charlotte nodded. “We got word that he was taken into custody about an hour ago. And you got a bunch of flowers after you left work. I put them on your desk. But I brought the card.”

  She reached into her pocket and handed her a note.

  Glad you picked up the trail, Solo. Hope your second act is happier than your first.

  “It isn’t signed.” She stared down at it. It was a typed note. “Do we have any idea where it came from?”

  “Turns out the woman Levi was going to marry has a cousin named Drake,” Eve explained. “According to him, she’s one of the only people he can stand in his family.”

  “He was in Germany at those meetings with Levi.” Charlotte set her champagne down. “Apparently he’s been looking for a way to take him down without doing it himself. He’d found the Reva connection, but couldn’t locate her. He managed to get a message out, but she refused to take his bait. He was hoping you would have more luck. I think he was also hoping sending you that note would let you know you had a problem on the way.”

  Kim frowned. “He could have picked up the freaking phone and called Beck. He could have said hey, heads up, a psycho’s about to take out your ex.”

  “I don’t think that’s how spies work,” Eve said. “Also, we can’t know he was certain Levi was coming after you. I wonder if the Agency found you. Alex was on the conference call with Drake. He says he has no idea how Levi found you.”

  “I’m worried he’s got eyes on us,” Charlotte admitted. “Ian had the boys do another search, but we couldn’t find anything. Not here. Not at home. I’m going to be nervous until we figure out how he knew where you were.”

  “And to look for Ezra. I’m with Beck. There’s no way he simply got pulled over by a cop who has ties to DC. That wasn’t a coincidence.” There were still things to figure out, but if Levi had been taken into custody, she could breathe easier. She also had decisions to make. That office at McKay-Taggart was sitting there waiting for her. She didn’t have to live with Beck after their agreement was up. It was only smart to do it for a while, to let Roman get to know his dad. At some point she would explain that it was time to find their own way.

  Would she go back to Malta? Stay here in Dallas? Or start all over again somewhere else? She had the money to do it now that she could get back into her accounts.

  The vastness of her options was overwhelming. She had to shove it all down or she would lose it. Quite frankly, it had been easier when she’d had one choice—to stay with Beck and stay alive.

  “Are you okay?” Eve asked quietly. “I know you were close to him once. Even if he hurt you later on, he was your friend at one point.”

  Did they all think she cared about him? “He was never my friend. I know that now. H
e was always trying to use me in one way or another. Seven years ago he was willing to take all of my memories to serve his own purpose. He’s a sociopath who doesn’t understand love. He’s only capable of obsession. I hope his corpse is already rotting. What I was feeling earlier was about how hard the job was. I was remembering how it felt to be all alone because I’d gotten burned. I was thinking about how that job that seemed so important to me had almost taken my soul.”

  “Which is why it’s awesome you don’t have to go back,” Charlotte said brightly. “You can stay here. No one gets burned here.”

  “Charlotte,” Eve said, and they exchanged a look.

  Charlotte put a hand up, obviously conceding the lead to her friend. “I should go and finish getting ready. Again, Solo, it’s awesome to have you here. I hope you enjoy yourself. If you’ve got any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

  Charlotte stood and started for her locker.

  “Thanks.” Despite her wariness, she was excited to see Sanctum.

  She was also excited to forget about everything for a little while and sink into the role of the submissive. She could enjoy Beck in those moments because they weren’t Beck and Kim. They were other sides of themselves, sides that existed only in this time and in the spaces they chose.

  She would “play” with him until it was time for her to go. She would have to think about how to handle it if she decided to stay in Dallas.

  If she stayed in Dallas, how long would it be before she was right back where she was in the beginning? Working cases, getting dragged into subterfuge. Falling madly in love with Beck again, and this time when he left her he would be leaving Roman, too.

  “Do you have any questions?” Eve asked.

  “How did you forgive him?” The question was out of her mouth before she could think better than to ask it. That hadn’t been the knowledge Eve had offered to share. Eve had been following up on Charlotte. She’d been asking her if she had questions about BDSM and the club.

  But Eve McKay and her husband, Alex, had divorced at one point and then figured their shit out, and they seemed solid this time around.

  Kim held a hand out. “Forget I asked that. It was rude. I’m sorry. I think I’ll…”

  Eve reached for her hand. “It was hard. I didn’t want to for a long time. I was punishing him in a way, but the worst part was all the years I punished myself.”

  Kim hesitated. This might not be a road she wanted to go down. It might be better to let it lie and move on. Wasn’t that what she’d been trying to do all along? She’d chased after Beck for years. She didn’t need to do it anymore. They could be over.

  Eve leaned in. “I’m glad you’re talking about it. It’s healthy to talk about it, Kim.”

  “You’re the only one who calls me Kim. Everyone else calls me Solo.”

  “You’re only Solo if you choose to be,” Eve said softly. “I think you hide behind that nickname more than you want to. I think it feels like a shield here.”

  Eve was good at her job. Which was precisely why Kim should stop talking, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.

  “It was always armor. It was a stupid nickname I got in training, but it came to mean something to me. I needed it when I worked with the Agency.” She shook her head because she wasn’t being honest, and there was zero reason to lie. Being open felt…better. “I think I’ve always had some kind of armor. Whether it was a nickname or a blustery attitude, I’ve always hid behind something. I learned early on how much other people could hurt me. I learned that from my parents, from the kids of people who hated my parents. The world I grew up in sucked.”

  Eve cocked a brow. “Did you ever wonder why you didn’t get out when you could?”

  “I did get out. That’s why I joined the Agency when I did.”

  “But the Agency is full of intrigue and backstabbing,” Eve pointed out. “Don’t get me wrong. There are great people at the Agency, but when you work as an operative, you’re always lying to someone. Beck was in that world, too, but I don’t think he was as ready for it as you were.”

  “He was excellent at his job.” For some reason she always felt like she needed to defend him.

  “No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t able to follow orders in the end,” Eve argued. “There were several cases of his where he went against what he was asked to do.”

  “An operative isn’t a soldier. Beck made the best decisions he could.”

  “Would you have made the same?”

  “No, and I probably would have been wrong.” She sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened between us if we’d met in a regular office. If he’d been an accountant and I’d been the chick who made copies.”

  “See, that’s interesting. You put yourself in an inferior position.”

  “I’m not here for a session, Eve.”

  Eve shrugged. “But you kind of are. It’s what D/s is for a lot of us. It doesn’t have to be some therapy where you process your emotions. Think of it as a session where you attempt to get what you need, whether that be a particular type of stress relief or being able to communicate more intimately with your partner. This kind of play often reveals parts of ourselves we don’t give much consideration to. I find it interesting that you put yourself in a position where Beck is over you even in your fantasies. Is that because you think he needs it?”

  The whole conversation was making her uncomfortable. But didn’t she need to figure out why she did this to herself time and time again? Was it comfortable behind her walls? What would she teach her son if she kept this up? She didn’t want Roman to learn to live the way she did. “Maybe it’s because he was teaching a class when I met him.”

  “I don’t think so. Did you ever work together?” Eve asked.

  She shook her head. “No. He mostly worked alone, and so did I.”

  “So once you completed your training, you were equals.”

  “Yes.”

  “Were you submissive in your marriage?”

  She snorted at the thought.

  A knowing smile crossed Eve’s face. “I didn’t think so.” She sobered. “So why do you think you imagine yourself as his subordinate?”

  When she really looked deep, she knew the answer. “I lied to him. I did it for reasons I thought were good, but I lied. I suppose I feel like I need to make it up to him.”

  Eve nodded as though she’d come to the same conclusion. “He’s forgiven you. I don’t believe he wants to punish you in any way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t punish yourself. I’ve found humans are excellent at finding ways to hurt themselves.”

  “I can accept that.” She had been in such a bad place. “But I wasn’t punishing myself when I walked away from him in Paris.”

  “Weren’t you?”

  “Eve, you don’t know the things he said to me. He ripped me apart.”

  “And there was a man waiting in shadows to do worse,” Eve argued. “You could have called Ian. You could have told him you wouldn’t spend another minute with Beck.”

  She hadn’t even considered making a call. “Ian wasn’t my friend. He was Beck’s.”

  “Yes, but Ian understands how people can tear each other apart. He would have sent someone else to be with you. You left for two reasons. You left because you didn’t trust anyone else in the world to help you once Beck had lashed out.”

  That was true. “And the other reason?”

  Eve reached out and put a hand on hers. “Because everyone who should have loved and protected you in your life betrayed your trust. Your parents. The man you thought was your friend. The man you loved. Because life taught you that you were not worth saving. You walked out because deep down you didn’t care if Levi caught you.”

  Kim went quiet. The need to cry was there inside her, but there was a wall between her and that emotional well. A wall she’d erected so many years before. A wall she wasn’t sure she could live without. “Maybe. But I don’t feel that way now. My life changed the minute I
found out I was pregnant. I love my son. I can’t live the same way. But I don’t know how to handle having Beck back in my life.”

  Eve shifted, sitting back and giving her some space. “The question is can you forgive him. You lied but he walked away. You have to acknowledge that his was the greater infraction. He caused the greater harm. It’s not a contest, but you get to be angry with him.”

  “Beck has high standards.”

  “I think you’ll find Beck has relaxed a bit over the years. He’s done a lot of work on his anger issues.”

  There was far more to the problem. “I guess I don’t understand what he was so angry about. I know his bio dad was a piece of shit, but he spent the majority of his childhood with Ezra’s dad. He was a good guy. His parents loved him. He had a brother who looked up to him like he was some kind of a superhero.”

  “Some men don’t need a reason to be angry,” Eve replied. “They’re born with it. It fuels them in a way. But it can eat them up if they don’t figure out how to control it. My husband took something that happened to me and made it about him.”

  Kim nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s safe to say Beck did that, too. What he doesn’t want to acknowledge is that Levi would have done this to anyone I fell for. He was incidental.”

  “Harsh, but potentially true,” Eve agreed. “Some men struggle to understand anything they can’t control. It was easier for Beck to understand someone coming after him. The same way it was easier for Alex to think about revenge instead of taking care of me. I was the one who’d been assaulted, but Alex focused on punishing my attacker instead of helping me piece myself back together. It took years for me to forgive him, but I did because I love him and I’m happier with him than I ever was without him. Our marriage is far stronger today than it was then.”

  “What if it happened again?” It was why she really couldn’t wrap her head around reconciling with him fully.