Conflicted Innocence

by Netta Newbound

  “What did he say about the house?”

  “He hasn’t had much luck with any contractors, and he thinks he’ll have no choice but to bring her back here. I told him we would give it a once over before then and he’s grateful.”

  I shuddered at the thought of going in Lee’s house, but I knew I was being silly. It was just a house.

  “Okay, what’s the plan?”

  “I’ll be home early and we can go and have a look at what needs doing if you like? Knowing Lee, it won’t be much, he’s pretty tidy.”

  The rest of the day flew by. I called the local nursery and made an appointment for tomorrow morning, then busied myself unpacking some more of my boxes. When James got home, Grace was playing with her toys in her playpen—I was knee deep in photographs and bawling my eyes out.

  “Hey, what’s brought all this on?” James said, sliding to the floor beside me.

  I handed him a photograph of my beautiful mum and dad, taken a couple of years ago at some posh dinner they’d been to. Mum looked stunning in a cream sequined top, and full-length brown silk skirt and Dad wore his tuxedo. They were gazing into each other’s eyes and the photo had captured just how much in love they were.

  “They look so happy,” he said.

  “They were. And now she’s gone—just like that.” I clicked my fingers, as tears poured down my cheeks. “It’s as though she never even existed. A few photos are all we have left.”

  “That isn’t true. She lives on in you—her beautiful, spirited and amazing daughter. Not forgetting her gorgeous little namesake, Grace.”

  “Do you think so?”

  “I know so, you silly thing. You’re just like she was.” He pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed some more.

  Half an hour later, I began putting the photographs back in the box.

  “We’ll just have this and then go and check out next door, shall we?” he said, placing a cup of tea in front of me.

  “Yes. Although it will seem odd going through someone else’s stuff.”

  “You don’t have to, if you don’t want. I’ll do it.”

  “Don’t be silly. I’ll not leave you to do it alone. Did he say if he’s definitely bringing her back here?”

  “No. He said he’d give her the choice. The cottage is far from finished, but he’s been staying there at the weekend with no trouble. But who knows, she may insist on coming back here.”

  We finished our drinks and I got to my feet. “Come on, then. Let’s go.” I walked through to the kitchen to rinse the cups under the tap. When I got back, James had Grace in his arms and was waiting for me by the front door.

  I don’t know why, but I felt jittery, just like I had when I realised mad Thomas was behind me earlier. We walked down our path and out onto the street, just to come all the way back down Lee’s path, not two feet from our front door.

  “We always said we should make a gate in the fence,” James said, “but we never got around to it.”

  “Makes sense if you’re in and out a lot.”

  James pulled out a bunch of keys from his pocket.

  “I feel like a burglar,” I said, glancing around.

  James laughed. “You look as guilty as sin. Come on in. We’re doing nothing wrong.”

  I followed him inside. The layout was the same as next door except the opposite way around. As James had predicted, the house was clean and tidy.

  “I think we need to have him come to our place instead and give it the once over,” I said, amazed.

  “I told you—he’s always doing something to keep himself busy.”

  I followed James up the stairs and paused briefly as we reached the top. I knew the first door we’d come to would be the bathroom, and my nerve endings jangled as he pushed it open.

  “Clean. Nothing to do in here.” He continued up the hallway.

  I stopped outside the bathroom and the breath caught in my throat. The simple white bathroom suite was nothing extraordinary, but just the fact that a little boy had lost his life in the bathtub broke my heart—I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it. A sharp intake of breath coming from James piqued my curiosity, and I hurried to see what had caused Mr Cool to gasp.

  I didn’t need to go far. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  The middle room was fully kitted out with baby things. A cot draped in blue and white fabric was the main focus of the room. A Winnie the Pooh mobile hung above it. A changing station stood against the wall to the left, complete with baby wipes and powder. A matching Winnie the Pooh nappy holder dangled beside it. Next to the cot was a rocking chair, and in my mind’s eye, I could see a faceless woman nursing her baby and singing lullabies in the dead of night.

  Tears streamed down my face as I turned to James. “She can’t come home to this!” I said, with a sob.

  “We can’t just pack it all away, though. I’ll need to call Lee back.”

  “Yeah, but the poor woman’s been through enough without having to see this. It’s just not fair, James.”

  “I know, and I’ll say that to him, but the final say has to be Lee’s.”

  I opened the top drawer of the chest and gasped at the sight of the dinky white vests that would fit Grace, and my heart contracted once more. All the vests were neatly folded.

  In the next drawer down, I found more lovingly folded clothing. Not the actions of a woman at the end of her tether, in my opinion. But who could tell what was going on in someone else’s mind.

  Grace was wriggling, like a child possessed, trying to get out of James’ arms to play with the pile of toys on the carpet.

  “You ready? I won’t be able to hold this one for much longer.” He laughed, lifting Grace up into the air and blowing a raspberry on her stomach.

  She gave a deep belly laugh that made even me, in my newly depressed state, smile.

  “Well, there’s not a lot that needs doing, except maybe a vase of flowers and getting the fridge filled up. But the baby’s room is essential in my opinion,” I said.

  “I’ll call him back when we get home. But how do you feel about cleaning it out? I saw how all that stuff affected you.”

  “It is upsetting—I won’t lie. But I’d do it. I couldn’t allow her to come home to that if I had the choice.”

  Back home, James handed Grace to me and, after finding his phone in his jacket pocket, he rang Lee.

  “Hey, buddy. How’s it going?” he asked.

  I could hear Lee’s voice as though I had my ear to the phone. “Still slogging away. How about you?”

  “We went around to your place. Everything is perfectly clean and tidy. In fact, Geri asked if there’s any chance you can clean our house.” There was another minute or two of light-hearted banter before James brought the conversation back on track. “Geri suggested we get a bunch of flowers and stock up the fridge, but there is one other more delicate subject I want to discuss.”

  “Fire away!”

  “Joseph’s bedroom.”

  “Ah, yes.”

  “We don’t think it’s a good idea to leave the baby things for Lydia to find.”

  “I never thought. I never go in there anymore—just blocked it out, you know?”

  “Of course you did, mate. It’s understandable. But it might be a shock for Lydia to come across it. Would you like us to box it all up for you?”

  “Umm...err...I dunno really. I suppose it would be very upsetting for her, but shouldn’t it be something I did myself?”

  “Only when you’re ready. At least, if we box everything up, you can go through it with Lydia at your leisure and keep whatever you want.”

  “Okay, if you don’t mind. I’ve got too much on at the moment to even think about it.”

  “That’s why we want to help. Is there any room in the loft?”

  “Yes. It’s empty. But maybe you should just box it but leave it in his room for now.”

  “Whatever you feel is right.”

  “Thanks, Jimmy. I owe you one.”

  James ended the
call. “Did you get the gist of that?”

  “Yeah, I heard every word. So we need to box all the baby stuff up, dismantle the cot and changing station.”

  “Yes. He wants it left in the room, though, but that’s better than nothing.”

  “Of course it is. When should we start it?”

  “Do you think Grace’s baby monitor would pick up that far?” he asked.

  “I’m sure it would—it’s only in the next room more or less.”

  “Then maybe once she’s gone to bed?”

  “Good idea. Okay, what do you fancy for dinner?”

  *

  Once Grace was sleeping soundly, James and I took a pile of empty boxes left over from my move and a roll of black plastic bags into Lee’s house.

  Chapter 7

  “Who was that?” Susie asked, when Lee hung up the phone.

  “My neighbour.”

  “Next door, here? What did he want?”

  “No. At my other house. He’s doing a job for me.”

  “What job?”

  “You’re a bit nosy, aren’t you?” he chuckled.

  Susie shrugged, as though a little offended. “You’ve been asking me all sorts of questions since last night.”

  “True. Okay, then, I’ll tell you if you promise to tell me your secrets.”

  “Deal.”

  “Okay. My wife is coming home after being away for a long time, and my friend is checking the house is spic and span.”

  “Is that why you’re here? Because she’s coming home and you have to get out of your house?”

  “No. I wanted to get this place finished before she comes home. I didn’t really want her to go back to our old house.”

  “Why not?” Susie balanced the paintbrush on the paint tin, suddenly all ears.

  “Something bad happened there once. And no, before you ask, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  She picked the brush back up.

  “So, your turn. What were you doing around here?”

  “I went to a party with a friend of mine, but she took off with some bloke and left me there alone.”

  “When?”

  She shrugged. “A few nights ago.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “Slept on a park bench the first night—I begged for a bit of money outside the shopping centre. Thought if I could get some bus fare, then I would try to get back over to my friend’s place. When it started raining, I knew I’d have no chance. Most people don’t even venture out in the rain, and the ones who do are running, not hanging about waiting for someone to bum a few quid off them.”

  “So I’m your knight in shining armour?”

  “I wouldn’t go that far, but I am very grateful, and that’s the truth.”

  Lee laughed. He was beginning to really like this girl.

  “I’m going to get washed up and then I’ll grab us some Chinese for dinner. What do you fancy?”

  “Beef in black bean sauce is my favourite.”

  “Do you want chips?”

  “A few. Can I share yours?”

  He pulled his wallet out of his jeans pocket and handed her a twenty. “Here, that’s for your help today. I’m going for a bath and hope you’ll still be here when I come back, but if not, thanks. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you.”

  “Really? Are you sure? I didn’t do it for money.”

  “I know you didn’t, but I appreciate the help. I truly do.”

  Lee rubbed her shoulder and went up the narrow staircase to wash the grime of the day away.

  When he got back downstairs, she had gone. Her freshly laundered clothes had been replaced by the ones he’d loaned her, folded in a neat pile on the kitchen benchtop.

  He sighed deeply, knowing he should be relieved, but he’d enjoyed her company a lot more than he cared to admit.

  He strolled to Eric’s and ordered his usual. Then, at the last minute ordered beef in black bean sauce. Just in case.

  “You got company?” Eric asked, raising his eyebrows comically.

  “No. Just hungry.”

  “Ah, you working hard?”

  “Harder than usual. I’m on a deadline before my wife comes to see how much I’ve done.”

  Eric held his hand up and smacked it with his other. “Naughty boy!”

  “Exactly.” Lee laughed.

  There was still no sign of Susie by the time he reached the cottage. She’d obviously got enough cash for her bus fare and scarpered to her friend’s. A shame though. He could have given her a trial in the office.

  He dished out his food onto one of the new plates, and then switched on the crappy portable TV in the corner of the room. It only picked up one channel but he didn’t care. He just needed something to break the silence.

  He sat on Susie’s makeshift cardboard bed and a sudden emptiness gripped him. He should be used to being alone after six long years, and even though Lydia would be home in a couple of days, he couldn’t shake the feeling.

  His stomach clenched as he thought about Lydia. After praying for her release all this time, now he wasn’t sure how he felt. He’d been to see her regularly, like the dutiful husband, but she’d changed. The light behind her eyes had dimmed and although she went through the motions of her day to day life, it was as though his wife had died too on that awful day.

  He shouldn’t be wasting time lying around. There were a hundred and one things he could be getting on with. But he didn’t possess the heart or the energy to do another thing tonight. He closed his heavy eyes, just for a minute.

  A series of taps made him wake with a start. He didn’t know where he was or how long he’d been there at first. More tapping at the window had him on his feet and peering out into the dark.

  Susie waved at him and pointed to the door.

  His pulse quickened and he felt his face flush.

  “Oh, hello.” He opened the door and stood aside for her to enter. “I didn’t expect you back.”

  “I walked to the next village to get us this.” She held up a bottle of his favourite red wine. “I can’t believe there isn’t even an off-licence in this place. My feet are killing me.” She kicked off her shoes and shrugged out of her coat. “Did you buy any glasses?”

  “No—only cups. You walked all that way for me?”

  “No biggie.” She shrugged.

  “I think it’s a biggie. In fact, I’m touched, but I gave you that money for yourself, not to waste on me.”

  “You were getting the dinner—did you save me some by the way? I’m starving.”

  “Yes. I got what you ordered, but I very nearly didn’t with you not being here. I thought you’d gone back to your mate’s.” She looked so different dressed in her jeans and purple T-shirt. More feminine. And she had a sweet childlike vibe.

  “What? And miss out on the job you’ve offered me and the promise of my own place?”

  He turned the corners of his mouth down as he contemplated this. “Some people don’t want the pressure of a job and a place to live. Homeless people often have a choice.” He walked into the kitchen and pulled out the plastic tray from the bag.

  “Not me. I’d kill for a normal life where I didn’t have to depend on anybody else.”

  “I’m glad you came back. I must admit I was a little disappointed when I came down and you’d gone. Here, this is probably stone cold by now.” He handed her the plate of food.

  “It looks delish. Don’t forget the cups for the wine.” She grabbed a fork and began tucking in before she got to the makeshift bed.

  He laughed and shook his head. She was a funny young thing, standoffish at times, and very rough around the edges. But she was also extremely thoughtful to walk all that way and back just to buy him his favourite wine. He ran his fingers through his close-cropped hair and grinned to himself.

  Pouring two cups, he handed her one and sat beside her. She ate ravenously without pausing for breath.

  “So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” she asked, clearing the last of
f her plate.

  “Well, I want to call around a few hostels close to the office to start with. Then, after doing a quick clean up around here, I’ll have to drop you off before I head home and get ready for Lydia.”

  “Sweet.” She wiped her mouth before taking a deep swig of her wine. She shuddered.

  “What do you think?” he asked, nodding towards her cup of wine.

  “A bit naff, but okay.”

  “A bit naff!” he barked. “You’ve got no taste, woman.”

  “Why? Because I don’t like the same wine as you?”

  “So what wine do you like, then?”

  “Bubbly.”

  “You mean champagne?”

  “Nah! That’s minging. I like Asti, but I prefer cider more than anything.”

  “Say no more.”

  She shoved him playfully on the shoulder.

  He shoved her back.

  She dipped her finger in her wine and flicked the droplets onto him.

  “Hey! You’re for it now.”

  He reached for her cup, but she pulled it away from him and held it behind her back. He scrambled to his knees and lunged for the cup once again.

  Susie lay backwards, laughing hysterically.

  His face not an inch from hers, he suddenly got the urge to kiss her, and, from the look on her face, she knew it.

  She lifted her chin, staring him straight in the eyes, silently egging him on.

  Coming to his senses, he cleared his throat and pushed himself back up.

  “Sorry,” he said, reaching for his own cup and taking a swig. “I think I might hit the sack. We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

  An awkward few minutes passed as Lee cleaned up the kitchen and rinsed the cups.

  Susie stood at the window, her back to him when he returned. Her shoulders were slumped and it was clear he’d abused her trust.

  “Okay, I’ll see you in the morning,” he said. “Have you got everything you need?”

  She nodded still not turning to face him.

  “Goodnight, then.”

  “Night.”

  He felt terrible. After promising yesterday that he wasn’t like all those other blokes, there he was, behaving almost as bad. He was ashamed of himself and wouldn’t be in the least surprised if she was gone for good by the morning.