by Sana Abid
"Hey." Jay's lips curled up when he saw me. Guilt hit me hard, being in the same room as him yet wanting to run away.
"Hi," I replied, noticing a red box in his hand.
"What are you making?" He perused over the chopped vegetables, went around to see the potatoes boiling over the stove, then stood next to me. I stiffened when his arms looped around my waist as if it was a python.
"Shepherd's pie."
"I haven't had that in a long time," he said as he set the box next to me.
I stopped chopping up the mushrooms. "What's that?"
Jay scratched the back of his neck, smiling. "Chocolates. I thought you'd like some." My heart felt like it got ran over by a monster truck. "You don't like it?" Jay's smile split when he saw me frowning at the box.
"No, no." I shook my head. "I like it." Jay looked petrified. He wasn't buying it. "It's just no one ever got me chocolates before." The gesture was almost too much for me to handle. Why did every damn thing get to me in the worst way possible? Like a fucking box of chocolates.
I clutched the knife in my hand like a stress ball to keep myself from crying. I suddenly remembered how much Eva loved chocolate. She'd eat anything that had chocolate in it, especially white chocolate.
"I don't know how you hate white chocolate." She scoffed as she bit into her Cookies and Cream Hershey bar.
"Because it's sweet as hell." I rolled my eyes enjoying my dark chocolate pudding.
"Sweet like heaven."
"Sweeter. You'll get diabetes," I said.
But Eva seemed too high in ecstasy to care. "Diabetes are worth it." We both laughed at the absurdity of her obsession over white chocolate.
I could hear her chuckles ringing in my ears even now, so loud it was as if she was standing right next to me. But she wasn't here. Only her memories were.
"Are you okay?" Jay's arms tightened around me.
"Yes." I licked my lips. "Just tired."
"You should rest," he told me. I began to protest but he lifted me up in one quick motion and carried me to the living room.
"I have to finish cooking," I said to him, trying to wriggle out of his grip. He was too strong though. And stubborn. He only let go of me after he set me down on the couch.
"Don't worry about it." He brushed my hair back. "I miss you."
"I'm right here." I glared at him.
Jay shook his head. "That's not what I mean."
"I don't know what you mean." He knew I was playing dumb, so he stared at me with a slight frown.
"We don't talk much."
"We're talking right now," I argued. I knew I was killing him from the inside, but I couldn't help it when the world around me felt dead. Jay ran a hand over his face, sighed and got up.
"I'm going to shower." With that, he turned around and left me all alone on the couch. Was that it?
The shepherd's pie came out all right. I didn't really have an appetite, nothing new, especially since I ate alone. Jay never came back down.
Finishing up with the dinner, I began to put things back to where I had found them from. Cleaning took my mind off shit, but even that didn't last long. After a while, I had nothing more to clean. No more excuses to keep me from going upstairs. Sighing, I picked up the red box from the marble countertop and left the kitchen.
Jay was sitting in the middle of his bed when I went inside the room, typing on his laptop. If you asked me he hit the keyboard buttons rather violently. But maybe that was just how he typed.
"Hey," I said. He didn't reply and went on pretending as if I wasn't here. "Are you going to eat?"
"Not hungry," it was all he said.
"Okay…" Licking my lips I thought of something else to say. My mind ran dry like my mouth. What did you say to someone who was angry with you? Maybe Jay was done talking to me. Would I like that? Even though I wanted nothing more than to go back to Will and feel the raw air near the oaks, I still felt crappy for putting Jay in a bad mood when all he did was tried. It wasn't his fault that his efforts weren't enough for me.
"You want some?" I held up the box. The chocolate pieces rattled inside.
"No. They're for you." He didn't even look at me when he talked.
"I can't eat this by myself." I faked a laugh before climbing on top of his bed. Then my fingers picked at the packaging until all of it was off. They trembled lifting the lid open as it revealed assorted chocolates, dark and milk. Thankfully not white. I physically relaxed seeing the white missing in action. Breathing slowly, I picked up a dark truffle that had milk chocolate drizzled on top of it before holding it up to Jay's lips. He didn't flinch.
"Please." I choked. He couldn't be mad at me. I did nothing wrong.
Jay finally tore his eyes away from the screen. They looked at me, expressionless, before he sighed and pushed the laptop off his lap, replacing it with me. A shiver ran down my spine as he ran his warm fingers across the bare skin of my thigh. I let him touch whatever he wanted to. I owed him that. In return, I held on to locks of his hair, feeling guilty for submitting to his touch and loving it. I wasn't supposed to feel this kind of euphoria, not at a time like this. Still, Jay was allowed to, so I let him embrace the pleasure as I kept the screaming voice in my head quiet.
"Open your eyes," he told me, and I did. "I want to talk to you. I want to hold you. I want you." I watched flames burn in the back of his eyes, passion rewriting the expression on his face. Lust guided his hands wherever it wanted it to.
"I want you too," I said in a whisper, hovering the chocolate over his lips. He finally took it. The truffle was between his teeth when he pulled my face closer until my mouth was right over his, the chocolate melting against both of our lips. It tasted divine. It tasted like heaven—his lips. I wanted to run and tell Eva. He tasted better than any white chocolate could.
Jay laid me down gently on the mattress, showered me with kisses that I hardly paid attention to, said things to me that just went over my head. I rolled my eyes up at the ceiling and ignored the slight pain between my legs, imagining Eva shaking her head.
How could anything taste better than white chocolate. You're crazy, Vivian.
Maybe I was going crazy, I thought lying in the dark. Jay's arm drooped over my chest as he slept, those faint breaths loud in my ear. As always, I couldn't sleep. The night dragged on, each minute feeling like an hour whenever I turned around to look at the alarm clock. The numbers glowed in the dark, red, 1:02.
Unable to lie still in bed, I slowly rolled out of Jay's grip, making sure not to wake him up in the process. Dealing with Jay was the last thing I wanted right now. I tip-toed out of the bedroom, shut the door behind me, and grabbed the familiar book off the shelf before making my way to the guest room at the end of the hallway.
For some reason, it was colder here than it was in Jay's room. The room was smaller, too, with just a single full-size bed against the wall, a dresser, and side tables accompanying the bed.
I walked across the icy floor, setting the book on the bed. Then I turned around and switched the lights on to focus on the words better. The sphere glowed and heated under my touch. Restless and anxious, I waited impatiently to get out of here.
Then I did.
CHAPTER 14
"You have any brothers or sisters?" Will asked pushing a twig back. We were taking a hike through the woods to see a waterfall. Will said it was the best thing to see in his town, even prettier than the oaks.
"Nope, only child. Eva has a brother though. He's fourteen. He had a crush on me when she and I became friends." I smiled, half out of breath. "How much longer?"
"Not much," he called out. "I can see why he did. You're gorgeous." His compliment made me blush under the orange sky.
"You're not bad yourself."
"That means a lot." Will turned back and flashed a toothy grin at me. Suddenly I heard the sound of running water. "We're here."
How was it possible that Will was right?
The waterfall met and surpassed my expectations. The
Fall was high, clear blue water flowing down and foaming up in big waves that were collected at the bottom. It was like watching the sky under your feet. Dark green trees enveloped the wander in their natural serenity, covering the two of us from the rest of the world. My eyes watered. How could anything be more perfect?
"Told you it's the best thing in the world," Will said setting his bag down. I lowered myself on the rocky cliff, my eyes still glued to the rushing water.
"I can't take my eyes off of it," I whispered. "If only Eva could see this."
"You're seeing it for her." Will gave me a soft smile. "Coffee?"
We drank in silence, only talking whenever we had something to say about the majestic water, the giant trees, or the calming scent of the fresh air. That's why I loved being with Will. He didn't expect me to talk all the time. He didn't ask how I felt every ticking minute. He didn't try to remind of the old world.
I tore my gaze away from the waterfall and watched Will admire the trees. His eyes were beautiful, crystal blue like the water below us. His pink lips went around the rim of the cup as he drank from it, his gaze locked at the emerald forest until he realized I was staring.
"I'm so glad we met," he said putting his cup down.
"Me too." I smiled.
"Sometimes people come in your life to stay and sometimes they leave after teaching you some sort of lesson. I hope you stay." My heart fluttered because of his words. In that moment I felt like the things around me froze as if someone had taken a snapshot of us and captured a perfect moment. But then it hit me. I couldn't stay. The hour was nearly up. I actually had to leave like now.
"I have to go," I said standing up. The smile on his face broke as he stood up too.
"Do you have to go?" His pleading voice made me want to stay even more.
"I can't." I pressed my lips in a thin line.
"Will you be back?" Hope awakened in his eyes.
"Yes, soon."
The cool air blanketed me when I was back in Jay's guest room. My heart beat loudly in my ears. I barely made it back in time.
Exhaling a sigh of relief, I closed the book on the bed realizing the sudden darkness in the room. Did I turn the lights off before I left?
No.
An unnerving feeling washed over me when my eyes made out a silhouette on the bed.
Jay. How long had he been here waiting for me?
"Jay?" I asked, switching the lights back on. He was there, dark eyes piercing right at me. They were full of emotions that I had never seen in his eyes. His hands were folded together and held his head in front of him as if he was too tired to hold it up himself. He looked exhausted with the rings around his eyes.
"What are you doing here?"
"What were you doing in there?" I flinched at his harsh tone.
"Not… nothing. I just couldn't sleep." I shifted my weight to the other leg.
"Really?"
"Yes." I narrowed my eyes at his solemn face. "What is this about? I'll go to sleep now." I spun on my feet. My hands were just about to reach for the doorknob when I heard Jay let out a sinister laugh. He looked like a madman when I turned around, shaking his head before he glared at me. To me it felt like daggers were shooting out of his eyes.
"You really do think I don't know you." He leaned back. His words and his body language contradicted each other. No one could be this calm and pissed off at the same time.
"What are you talking about?" I raised an eyebrow.
"But you really did fool me." He clenched his jaw. "I thought you actually wanted me."
"Jay…"
"But you faked it, didn't you? You faked everything. It makes sense that you did. You don't want me. It was all to distract me." My lips quivered from how cold he was being. I'd never seen this side of him before. I wasn't sure I could handle it. I licked my lips, finally finding the courage to say something then losing it the next second.
"I… I –"
"Save it." He held a hand up. I shrank under his height when he got off the bed, looming over me like a dark cloud. "You think I don't know you're sneaking off. Once or twice was supposed to be fine, but you, you practically live there now, don't you?"
"Jay—"
"I gave that to help you." His eyes fell on the necklace. "Tate said it was the worst idea in the world, but I told him it'll help you."
"It does help me," I whispered clutching the cold pendant.
"No," he barked snapping his eyes on me. "It's killing you."
"It's helping me, Jay!" I fought back tears. "When… when I go inside books, I feel alive. The air, it's different. The uneasy feeling in my stomach goes away. The guilt is gone! I don't feel the pain as much."
"Tate was right!" Jay shook his head. He didn't believe me.
"No!" I yelled taking a step back from him. "You're wrong!"
"I was stupid to think a getaway vacation could actually fix you." Jay pulled on the roots of his hair.
"But it did!" I cried, reaching for his hands. "You helped me in ways I can't imagine." My voice was barely a whisper.
"Me?" He searched my eyes. "I'm helping you? Or the necklace?" Again, the desperation in his voice left me speechless. "Thought so," he said, swallowing hard. "Fine. You don't want my help? It's fine. But I can't let this be your clutch for the rest of your life." In a blink of an eye he snatched the necklace away from me, the metallic bonds breaking in a snap.
"No!" I yelled, clawing at his arms to give it back. "Please! Jay, please give it back!" My tears meant nothing to him. He let my nails penetrate his skin and make him bleed. He let me pound my fists hard on his chest. He let me curse at him for everything that he was doing to me. But he never gave me back the one thing I wanted.
"Jay!" I fell to the ground, my arms reaching out for the necklace. My chest felt like it was being ripped apart. He was taking my life support away from me, and I would never forgive him for that.
"I'm sorry," he said with sorrow in his eyes.
"I hate you." I spat, glaring at him through a veil of tears. He pressed his lips together with tears in his eyes, too, before he yanked the door open and left.
"I hate you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs one last time before the door shut in my face. I hated Jay. I hated him. He didn't care about me. He said he understood how I felt, but that was obviously a lie. He didn't care about me at all. If he did, he wouldn't have taken the necklace away from me. He just wouldn't have.
I wiped my tears and climbed on top of the bed, hoping my heart would just explode, so I could escape this cruel world once and for all. It didn't need me anyway. The only one who needed me was practically gone herself. So, what was the point?
Eva. I kept her smile in my head as long as I could to keep myself from having another mental breakdown. I was too tired to handle anything right now. Then I thought about Will. He must be waiting for me. Guilt soared through my blood. I wish I could call Will or send him a text, but there was no way I could reach out to him until I got that necklace.
The necklace reminded me of Jay, how much I hated him and that pity look on his face. I hated him for giving me a taste of how good life could be then snatching it right out of my mouth.
"I hate you." I mumbled one last time.
I wish he could hear me, so he'd know how deep he cut me.
I wished to find the necklace. If I did. I was never coming back.
CHAPTER 15
A bright sun-kissed glow woke me up from a dreadful slumber. Eva had been in my nightmare again, her cat eyes staring at me as she pointed at me while Jay went inside me. We were on his bed. Eva mouthed something that I squinted to read, but I couldn't understand. But I was sure, now fully awake, she was blaming me for being the worst friend ever. For seeking pleasure when she couldn't even lift a finger. Then she had disappeared, and Jay got off me. I lifted my head to see him pointing at me too. But instead of accusations, he threw his head back, his bitter laughter ringing in my ears. Then Eva was by his side laughing along with him. And Will and Jim and
Jacqueline and my parents too. Everyone I knew was laughing at me, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I couldn't even lift a finger.
My head pounded as I thought about the nightmare before rolling over to face the door. Surely, the Universe had sent me a sign last night: my existence was pathetic.
My ears perked up at the sound of the doorknob turning. I made sure not a muscle in my body flinched. Maybe he'd leave me alone if he sees me sleeping.
"Viv?" Jay whispered. My stone-cold heart almost cracked hearing the devastation in his voice. Why was he even back? After the stunt he pulled last night, he should know better than to come back. I kept my body still, too still that instead of appearing asleep, I probably looked dead. "I know you're up." Shit.
Fluttering my eyes open in a snail's pace, I tampered with Jay's patience. In return, the scent of his cologne embraced me in the tightest hug until it began to choke me. I hated Jay, but I could never hate the way he smelled.
"What?" I shot him a glare. "Came back to take something else for me? Unfortunately for you, I have nothing else." Jay was taken aback by my attitude. A sigh escaped his mouth as he ran a hand over his face. He looked more tired than ever. I almost felt bad. But then I remembered what he had done to me last night.
"I made breakfast." His eyes were hollow, waiting for me to fill them up with hope again. I wanted to.
"I'm not hungry," I croaked.
"Please." He pushed a strand of hair behind my ears and presented a sad smile. "You look so lovely in the morning. I never told you that before."
I wanted to yell at him for making me want to cry. "No, you didn't."
"I always wanted to. I was always nervous." He swallowed hard. "But now I want to tell you everything on my mind. I just wish you wanted to." My head spun from his words, my nightmare, and last night's incident. I had no idea what to feel anymore, how to feel anymore. So, I just kept my mouth shut, choosing to focus on the geometric designs of the blanket.
Jay sighed again, deeper this time before getting off the bed. "Come down if you want to." He wasn't being a prick about it. "I'd be out in half an hour." I watched him frown at me one last time from my periphery, before he left, leaving the door ajar.